Problem with parent of son's friend...

[stjohnjulie]

So last school year, my oldest son got into some trouble with his friend and classmate at school. I received a call from the school and they told me that DS1 'punched X in the face on the playground'. I got the school about 20 minutes after it happened and spoke to both the kids and the principal. My son was pretty upset when I got there. He was crying and was having a hard time talking. What we got out of him as far as why he did it is, 'I just lost it." I asked X if he had any idea why my son would have done that and he said that he kind of 'rushed at him' like he was going to push him, but didn't push him. X was completely fine. He didn't have even the slightest welt or red spot where my son hit him. He didn't even seem hurt or upset. He seemed like he felt bad for my son.

So my guy got suspended for a couple of days. He went back to school and the two boys were back to friends. I should also mention that these two have been friends for a long time and my son kind of idolizes this other boy. He is popular, athletic, and considered 'cool'. X is what I call a Eddie Haskell type. To grown ups, he is super nice and polite. When he doesn't think a grown up is around, different story. I overheard him bullying the hell out of my guy when he thought I was out of the house. I was pretty surprised at what I heard from his mouth.

This is where my big mistake comes in. I didn't call X's parents. I was leaving the next morning for a short trip and my son stayed with his father that night and the next several days. I assumed that his dad would talk to X's parents. Well, he didn't. And when I picked my guy up from school on Monday X's mom met me in the parking lot. We started to talk about what happened. Very quickly she took a super aggressive stance (legs apart, arms crossed) and started to tell me a bunch of really not nice things, including, but not limited to; my son can take your son, we told X to hit back, your kid has problems, the other kids make fun of X for being friends with your son. She kind of just went on and I didn't say anything. I had my younger son in my arms (he was 4 months old at the time) and we were at school, and I just wasn't going to get into it there with all the kids and parents around.

I went home, called the school to let them know that X's parents gave permission, and encouraged X to kick my son's butt and if they could keep an eye on them at school I sure would appreciate it. They said they would, also mentioned that after a week, the boys were totally over the incident and it would be best to let things go. X's parents wanted to talk to my son about what happened. So with me and his dad present, we all met after school so they could say their peace. The mom of X didn't say anything. The dad did, and he handled things a lot better. But he was still unwilling to put any of the blame on his son.

Ok, sorry!!! this is getting really long! So, I decided that I wasn't going to let my son go to X's house because I no longer felt X's mom would keep my guy safe. A couple years before this, my son was at his house for a sleep over and one of the other kids punched my son in the stomach. My son spent the rest of the night in bed while the others played. I didn't find out about any of this until he came home the next day. I asked him if he told X's mom, and he said he did, and she said suck it up and stop being a baby. So.... along with what she had just told me about my son, I figured enough is enough and he just can't go there any more.

Sooo.... to wrap it up, my son wants to have this boy over this weekend. This is one of his only friends, and I don't know what I am supposed to do now. I really don't want this kid over. Mostly because I do not want to deal with his mom on any level. When this all happened, I thought that I could just deal with X's dad. He seemed to be much more level headed about all of this. Not long after this happened, his dad died tragically in a car accident. Ok people, what should I do? I don't trust his mom.

 

[mom2many]

I'm bumping so when I am on the computer and not my phone I can give a better answer.

 

[Dadu2004]

Ugh.

I know that you want to support your boy having friends, but ultimately it comes down to you having safety and security in your family and your home. If you don't feel that X's home provides good safety for your son, then there's no way that he should be there. If you feel that you can't provide a (emotionally or physically) safe environment for X, then he shouldn't be around. Sounds to me that the boy shouldn't be over...the two can be friends outside of your respective homes.

That being said, this is subject to change if X's mom decides to grow up.

 

[mom2many]

I think slightly different then Dadu. He would stay the night at my house, what better way to watch how their interactions go? He would not be staying at X's house though, if they are going to maintain the friendship outside of the homes it is better to see what is going on then to assume things are working themselves out. I hope that makes sense, my brain is tired LOL

 

[Dadu2004]

my brain is tired LOL

Ugh, me too. Can't wake up this mornin'. Need more coffee....

 

[mom2many]

Ugh, me too. Can't wake up this mornin'. Need more coffee....

Coffee is not helping, I think might need and intravenous line!

 

[IADad]

After I read this, I sat, bumping my head with my paw (all pooh'esque) trying to think of a solution. Your gripe is not (so much) with the kid.. X, even though he may be a budding bully, is probably hurting with the loss of his dad, so as popular as he may be, he needs friends as much as your guy does. I think I'd invite him over, maybe see if you can organize some actitities so the boys are less likely to slip into fighting over anything, whatever it might be of their own ccord. If you try to stay positive with X and things go well, then imagine how good it will feel when you can report to Mrs Xmom, how great it was to have her son as a guest. Seems like you need to find a way to turn over a new leaf with Mrs Xmom. Do you know what makes her tick? Maybe there are reasons why she's so surly?

 

[stjohnjulie]

I guess maybe I was kind of vague about X.... I don't have a problem with the two boys being friends. I know he antagonizes my son, hence the reason he 'lost it' and hit him. My guy has been hit plenty as well. I don't really think the two of them have any major problems, mostly just kid stuff and them both trying to figure out where they fit in in the pecking order.

I'm pretty sure I have mom's number... and I don't like it one bit. I am not going to change that tiger's stripes. Until this all happened, we maintained a good level of decency with one another. But I always could feel the knife digging in my back while looking at her smiling face if you know what I mean. Maybe she doesn't like me or my son because I don't play the social game that so many other people here tend to play. I don't just go around treating everyone like my BFF. I've always been pleasant, made small talk, but have respectfully declined attempts to make it any more than that. I don't have a whole lot of respect for people who think they are better than others for no good reason (their color, what kind of job they have, etc).

Luca's dad says that X is welcome at his house, he'll deal with mom. That might work in the short term. But that doesn't really solve the problem for me. There is NO DOUBT, my guy will NOT be allowed to X's house without his dad, myself, or my husband present the entire time. So I guess what that really means is that he wont be going over there

Oh, she isn't really 'surly', she more like a 'mean girl' that never grew up.

 

[MomoJA]

I'm with M2M and IADad on this. I would be tempted to never let X in my house, and that might even be the best thing in the end. But I'd also be afraid I was making that decision for me and not for my son.

The thing is, though, chances are that ultimately you will have to ban X from your house if he becomes more of a bully and if he manipulates your son. And with a mom like his, well . . .

So I guess I don't really know. But until you are sure you want to end the friendship, I would let X spend the night.

 

[singledad]

I'm with M2M and IADad on this. I would be tempted to never let X in my house, and that might even be the best thing in the end. But I'd also be afraid I was making that decision for me and not for my son.

The thing is, though, chances are that ultimately you will have to ban X from your house if he becomes more of a bully and if he manipulates your son. And with a mom like his, well . . .

So I guess I don't really know. But until you are sure you want to end the friendship, I would let X spend the night.

^^^ That ^^^.

Good luck Julie, no one needs this kind of unpleasantness in their lives

 

[stjohnjulie]

Ok, I guess if I am really honest with myself about X... I have to say.... I thought he was a pretty good kid until the one time he was over and overheard how he was talking to Luca when he thought I was outside. When I popped up in the doorway, he looked a little shocked and changed his tune real quick. He wasn't sure if I heard anything, but I gave him 'the look' and he went back to being the kid I thought he was. That bothered me a lot. I wish Luca didn't like him so much. That is making it hard. X is one of four boys in my son's class. X and Y are good friends, Luca likes them both a whole lot. Y hasn't ever invited Luca to do anything. He wants to be part of the clique. I don't think they will ever really be 'in' with them, but they do let him hang around. I don't want X around, and I don't even want to look at Mom X after the things she said about my son. But the part I am having a hard time with is how can I encourage him to have a friendship with someone his age?

Anyhow, now I just have to figure out a way to tell Luca that X isn't coming over. His dad said he would let X at his house because 'someone has to be adult here'. Ideas on that?

And the other thing I have to try to do is make sure that Luca is confident enough in himself to not listen to the ridicule from X and Y and anyone else that wants to sling crap his way. He's getting to that age where fitting in becomes very very important. So important that you make decisions you know are wrong.

Thanks everybody! I appreciate the feedback.

 

[mom2many]

See I am with dad on this one...X is probably still a good kid, but just like Luca he is trying to find his way. I will say be thankful it is boys, girls are a hundred times worse and a thousand times meaner. Boys will duke it out and move on, problem solved. Girls will drag it on forever and take it to a whole new ball game.

If you believe that over all X is a good kid (meaning he is still a kid), then his mom shouldn't play a role in how your son feels about him. It's not his fault his mom is a nut. I mean I hope no one ever judges my kids based off of me, KWIM?

Luca has to find his own place in society/school hierarchy it's one of the sucky parts about parenting. We can suggest but after that the more me push our feelings and agenda on them the more they will fight to stay in that friendship. I've learned that if over time we allow it to runs it's course, they will come to their sense's. Junior and High school are good places that this usually starts. There is just something that happens the summer between elementary and junior high, a maturity that just kinda takes it own shape. I have seen it in everyone of my kids, kinda weird really.

Remember momma, those choices they make to fit in are all part of their growing up experience (remember the ones you made?). Instead of teaching about bad choices make sure he understands that the only person responsible in any situation is him. So if him and X make a bad choice, the one who pays the consequence is him and nobody else.

The fun is just getting started...........LOTS OF LUCK! LOL

 

[IADad]

yeah, i gotta say, m2m's been through this stuff, these ages, and I think she said it well. The best thing you can do is be there to parent but don't get into their relationship. You can equip him with talks about what does and doesn't go on in healthy friendships, but he has to make his way through it in the end. Consider took, that you coul dbe a moderating healthy influence on X just by welcoming him into your home and showing a positive family environment.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Ok, now you guys are confusing me I am not going to tell Luca to not be friends with X. I wasn't thinking of doing that at all. And I will just make sure he knows he is going to be responsible for his own actions no matter what happens. He was in some pretty serious trouble with me after what happened at school. I am in the 'no hitting' camp. I've always told him he is not to hit, even if he is hit first. I just don't think he is mature enough to know when to 'defend' himself. I don't think he really thinks there is much of a difference if someone is totally kicking his butt vs. someone who is giving him a lashing with words. To him, I think it hurts just the same.

I did tell him that the reason I am reluctant to have X over is because I have some trouble with what his mom said to me. Let him know that I didn't feel confident that she would keep him safe and that is my number one priority.

I too think that you cannot visit the sins/quirks of the parents on the kids. I guess my biggest problem with this part of it is knowing that the mom has encouraged X to fight. Kids this age tend to listen to their parents We see X all of the time outside of school. This is a very very small community and we all run into each other everywhere. Things have been going fine with the two of them.

For now, I asked him if he wanted to have Z over (the other boy in his class). He seems to like the boy, but he hasn't known him as long. He seemed excited about that, so that is what we are going to do. Situation diverted.... for a little while anyhow!

And m2m, I know what you mean about girls... that is at the heart of all of this anyhow. Me vs X's Mom Kids are way over all of this. I just cannot find a way to get over the terrible things she said about my son. Grudge? Maybe, but mostly I think it's motherly protective instinct.

 

[mom2many]

Haha Julie, maybe we are confused LOL

I got that you weren't gonna tell Luca to not be his friend but what I was reading was that you weren't going to really support it either by not allowing X to spend the night. At least you found a compromise that doesn't make you look like a bad guy.

As for mom of X, I would be beyond PISSED, without even knowing what she said cause a momma doesn't take kindly to her bear cub being called names. All I can say on that front is to mom of X separate from X himself and to remember that his mom isn't the only person who can have an influence on his life and his behavior...KWIM?

 

[NancyM]

I think it's a good idea to continue to let them be friends, let x spend the night , and like you already said you wouldn't let Luca spend the night at x's house which I agree with b/c you just can't trust that mother. As a matter of fact, it appears X has learned his aggressive behavior from her.

As far as the bullying goes, I don't like that in any form. I would do it this way and see what happens. When x does come over sit both boys down and lay down some ground rules, like "ok guys these are some new rules b/c you guys are getting older now...blah blah blah, and somewhere in there mention there is no more childish behavior like talking disrespectful to one another or any hurtful name calling" something like that.

Luca won't like it, but thats alright, and you aren't accusing X of anything his mother can misconstrued, your just laying ground rules for sleep overs, And that's fair. know what I mean.?

Afterward you can keep an eye on them and listen for any negative noises. lol See if that helps, otherwise I wouldn't let my son hang around with him if he continues to bully Luca. JMO

 

[stjohnjulie]

Thanks for all of your input guys. I appreciate it! Sometimes living in such a small community has it's own special challenges. As much as I wish Luca just didn't like X...I do realize that either way, he still has to deal with him since he is one of the 4 boys in his class. We are going to have one of the other boys over this weekend. Maybe we can try and get a more healthy friendship going. Thanks again!