Questioning My Relationship with a Single Mother...

[Mr. Nanny]

I'm struggling with the idea of whether or not I should leave the relationship I'm in with a single mother. Almost four years ago, in a depressed place in life, I got involved with a coworker 19 years my senior. After just under a year, I moved in with her and her two sons, since my brother was selling his house that we both lived in at the time. She soon started pressuring me with risky ideas like buying a bare acreage to build a house on. Things I've learned about her and what I would consider her poor moral judgement (giving marijuana to her unemployed drug-addict nephew, which she defended, and wanting to move her children back to a poor "ghetto" community, which she admitted is a bad environment) have also made me apprehensive about the relationship.

Despite this, I know my partner has a good heart. She and her kids have become intertwined with my family who have become another set of grandparents to her kids. Although they sometimes irritate me, I have bonded with her kids. Her younger son essentially has no father, since (I later learned) she was impregnated by a secretly still-married man, so I've largely assumed that father role. The boy obviously has confusion over his real dad, who he sparingly sees.

About two months ago we had an intense talk/fight and when she asked why I'm with her, I cited my empathy for her son as part of my reason. We mended things, but she came to see that our relationship probably won't last forever. However, I was recently laid off and feel like I can't just up and move out under the circumstances. At the moment, things are floating along fine.

I can't help the notion that I should move out, live on my own for the first time, and develop a new group of friends, rather than spending the rest of my life feeling guilted into staying in this. But I'm afraid of the fallout of leaving this family - How it would hurt her youngest son; tap into her history of depression, self-diagnosed PTSD, and history of bad partners (including drug addicts, womanizers and the like); and how it would affect going to visit my parents and trying to have a relationship with a new woman. It may almost be like I'm divorced with kids. Maybe there's a way to separate but maintain a positive relationship and still spend time together. I do feel somewhat of an obligation to be there for her son as he grows up.

I know this forum is made up largely of mature adults and parents, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[artmom]

You should just move out. You haven't really been together for that long, relatively and you're not responsible for any repercussions she bestows upon herself and her kids. It sounds like she doesn't know where she's going in life and can't make good decisions. She may be leaching onto you to make her life better and that is unfair when she isn't trying to better her life.
Like quickly peeling off a Band-Aid, nip it in the bud and leave. You can sort everything out after and things will fall into place, soon, hopefully. But staying in a toxic relationship, even for a kid, doesn't help anyone.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Move out. Doesn't sound like you love your partner. Staying with someone out of pity is no good for anyone, especially the children.

 

[Vdad]

I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to tell, you what to do here, especially with something so complicate, and so important.

What I will point out, though, is that no where in your description or discussion did you actually say you love her. Dependent, yes. And there's a difference. And maybe that's what you're responding to.

I will leave it up to you to determine if that is worth continuing the relationship.

 

[Mr. Nanny]

Thank you for the responses.

She may be leaching onto you to make her life better and that is unfair when she isn't trying to better her life.

Yes, however, we can likely all agree that many if not most partners in a marriage rely on each other to purchase a home and gain other stability in life. So in her position, yes, of course she wants my help in achieving greater stability. Nevertheless, jumping to different ideas, like building a house on an empty lot only a block away from her current home, come off as nonsensical and show a lack of good judgment.

What I will point out, though, is that no where in your description or discussion did you actually say you love her.

Fair point. Honestly, I don't prefer to use the word "love" because it has so many definitions to different people. I believe that I do love her to a degree, but I disagree with her parenting style and other characteristics, some of which can't be helped.

We hit a rocky spot in recent days while I was away over the weekend, where she called my mom, cried, and suggested having me live at my parents' and take a break from the relationship. My mom talked with me about it and I made the choice to ultimately end the relationship and move out. I was relieved that she agreed on the questionable parenting and that I need to be concerned with myself instead of my partner and her child.

I expected to have this discussion with my partner when I got home, but after I talked just a few minutes with her over the phone and then went home, it was bedtime and my partner was cooled off and behaving relatively happy. It's a very sticky situation right now because I was recently laid off. Her son is sick today, so I'm staying home with him. I do intend on talking about it in the next day or so and laying out my idea of potentially living with my brother (he approved) while looking for a new job. To lessen the blow for her son, I don't want to suddenly move all my stuff out of her house at once, but more gradually.

I genuinely want to maintain a friendship where we might still spend time together, which I think she would take to, especially given all that I've done for her and her child. But the lay-off issue makes it much more complex.

 

[Vdad]

Thanks for both the update..and the confirmation. Even when it is directly pointed out to you that you haven't mentioned love, you equivocate/waffle.

Again, I'm not so pretentious as to actually tell someone what to do with their lives, especially with such complex matters, so I'll leave it to you to figure it out. In that process, I'd encourage you to find the difference btwn "Dependence" and "Love".

Also...and this IS something I can recommend with a bit more certainty..if you decide to move out, have a discussion with the child, and then move out. Don't do it slowly, it just confusing that way. Likewise, recall that good bye means good bye...the idea that your relationship morphs into something is confusing.

Lastly, while I'm wearing my "But I can make these recommendations to you" hat, recall that you can always change your mind and go back.

 

[Mr. Nanny]

Even when it is directly pointed out to you that you haven't mentioned love, you equivocate/waffle.

Interestingly, the only times we ever used the term "love" for one another was during serious talk about strains in the relationship, never during happy times. Take that for what it's worth.

I've officially been moved out for nearly two months. The transition became awkward and painful, and the time since has been rough for both of us. She contacted me to work with her in self-employment a month ago. It went well for a few days until she got into a talk about our relationship which went downhill when I got defensive. I then called her so she could vent. She sobbed and said things were sinking in and she needed more time away from me. Communication has been sparse.

Our relationship had a lot of great qualities, including my time with her fatherless son, and I often deeply miss that. Making matters worse is that I'm laid off and struggling. She's staying in touch with my mom and intends on bringing her sons to visit my parents soon. I'm not sure if I should pursue visiting her son or not. He was really hoping I would go sledding with him this winter at his grandparents, whom I want to be able to visit. When I mentioned visiting him on the phone, she basically said it was my responsibility as the adult to do so (I find it more complex than that). She also noted his acting out, in response to our transition. I recently asked how he's doing she said said "he's fine - up to his usual tricks."

I'd like to think she and I could eventually maintain friendship, visit, and offer emotional support. Is this at all common with divorced couples/parents? Should I just leave it to her to approach me and not take initiative to heal our situation or attempt to visit with her/her son anytime soon?

 

[Vdad]

This can't be too serious an issue if it takes you over 2 months to reply.

You and she need to set some expectations based on your relationship with each other..or maybe more precisely where you both decide it should go. Right now, it sounds in limbo, and although you discuss missing the boy..actually more than you seem to miss her...they are a package, you're not asking his mom for permission to maintain a relationship with him exclusive to anything with the mom. Similarly, I think it's weird that she has limited contact with you, yet retains a relationship with your mom.

The boundaries here need to be clarified. Everyone wants the milk without actually having to buy the cow.

 

[Mr. Nanny]

This can't be too serious an issue if it takes you over 2 months to reply.

No, it's actually been a pretty tough time for me. Now that things are somewhat settling, I thought I should see what perspective people have on here. I do appreciate your feedback, Vdad.

Right now, it sounds in limbo, and although you discuss missing the boy..actually more than you seem to miss her. Similarly, I think it's weird that she has limited contact with you, yet retains a relationship with your mom.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you sound slightly cynical. No, I actually miss her more than her son, but I also feel it was right to end the romantic relationship because, honestly, most of the time I can't stand her older son, who is very spoiled by his dad's family and very immature. And she babies her kids too much (my parents agree). They would regularly disrespect her and she and I did all of the chores, and I didn't see that changing. I bonded with her younger, fatherless son and take seriously the role I've played in his confusing life.

I don't find it that strange for her to have a dialogue with my mom. My mom's grandmotherly to her kids. As far as limbo, the romantic relationship is over; so now it's a matter of my figuring out the length of this quiet "healing" period and the aftermath of that (whether or not we'll be friends and whether or not she wants me to spend time with her son). That's the point I'm having trouble understanding now.

Basically, it's hard to gauge how to communicate. If I say nothing, she might think it proves that I don't care about the boy; but if I do reach out, she might coldly reject any attempt to lend a hand and I'll feel frustrated and embarrassed for reaching out to her.