"Just lay off him, will ya?" VENTING...

[TammyZed]

Today is the first day in a little over a week that we've had a full house. My hubby (Dai) and daughter just got back from a daddy/daughter week in Ottawa, and Morgan is back from LA, so everyone's home. You'd have thought the time apart would make Dai and Morgan at least civil for a while, but nope.

Dai is hypercritical of Morgan, and doesn't know when to drop it. He'll just keep pushing buttons until Morgan reacts, and then come complaining to me when he doesn't like what he gets! Today he started laying into Morgan as soon as the poor kid walked in the door and didn't let up. It was everything: dishes in the sink, unfolded laundry, too long on the phone. Morgan answered the door in his pajamas (running shorts, tee shirt) and Dai yelled at him for "showing too much skin"!

Morgan finally got fed up and snapped at Dai. He basically said "f*** you", to which Dai (6'2", 200lbs) responded by puffing up and getting in Morgan's (6'1", 130lbs) face. I pushed them apart and told Morgan to take a walk to calm down, and told Dai to just lay off him. They both backed down, but Dai made a verrrry cutting, below-the-belt kind of remark and called him the f word (rhymes with bag), and Morgan stormed out. He called me from his best friend's house to say he's going to spend the night there because he doesn't want to come home tonight.

This kind of crap has been going on way too long. Morgan moved out for almost a year when he was 16 because of this sort of thing, and ended up in some very bad circumstances and being taken advantage of. I'm so relieved and glad that he's back home (he's been living with us again since August), and this is where I want him to stay. I know he's at least safe here, and I don't want him to be driven out of here again. Not only that, it's no good for Emma to see her dad treating her brother like that. Dai isn't Morgan's father, but "not my kid, not my problem" just doesn't fly when you've been with his mum for thirteen years!

I love Dai. Really, I do. He's wonderful to Emma and me, but I just don't know how much longer I can handle being forced to pick sides between him and my son.

 

[jrrsmom]

My whole thing is kids first. You might need a kind of intervention.

Hope things get better!

 

[Kim]

Has there been a major event that changed husband's attitude toward son? It sounds like he has some hostility there - it reminds me of how I act when I am SUPER MAD at my husband. But that is only once in a great while, and it sounds like this is ongoing between your husband and son. Have you explored the root cause of this behavior, as opposed to analyzing the actual behavior after the fact? I might try couseling. Good luck!

 

[Skyburning]

I know this isn't what you want to hear and it's not the most constructive answer but IMO any man that will treat your son like that is not a man that is "wonderful" to you or your daughter.

 

[1dayatatime]

Is Morgan gay? Not that it really matters but if Dai is homophobic or just has issue with it that could be the beggining of the problem. I know a fist fight will NOT solve a thing. I'm sorry you have to refferre. Morgans almost a legal adult Dai really has no influence on his choices. My thoughts and opinions only.

 

[TammyZed]

Yeah, Morgan's gay. It's definitely part of it, but I don't know.

Before Morgan moved out there was a lot of conflict between the two of them, but it seemed like normal adolescent stuff. Morgan has never considered Dai his father, and so he resents it when Dai acts like it. I admit, this drives me nuts too. Dai isn't a recent addition. He's been around since before Morgan started school, but Morgan has never given Dai a chance, and it seems much less likely that he will now.

Morgan moved out after an explosive fight with me and Dai. I don't even remember what started it, but we got to the point where I shouted, "If you don't like the rules of this house, you know where the door is!" And Morgan, being the stubborn kid he is, packed up and walked out the door. He didn't call me for almost a week, and then finally called to tell me that he was going to move in with a family friend of ours. I consented, because at the time it seemed the easiest and most peaceful thing to do. I reeeally wish I hadn't now. Dai, Emma and me settled into things at home, and Morgan stopped by every now and then, but I barely saw my own son for almost a year.

That family friend turned out to be a bit of a nightmare who took advantage of Morgan and introduced him to a lot of things no sixteen year old should have to deal with. Morgan hit the end of his rope and ended up in a hospital near the end of his semester, had to miss his exams and a large chunk of his summer holidays. I took him home after that, because NOBODY is messing with my baby like that again.

That was this summer, and Dai has been downright awful to Morgan ever since. I'd promised Morgan that he'd have a safe, healthy environment... but he's just being cut down before he's even had a chance to build himself back up. On top of that, if anyone remembers my thread about it, I just cut Morgan off from his boyfriend because he was turning up with bruises and marks from that damn boy hitting him. Morgan's devastated about that, but I'm being firm.

What Dai is doing definitely isn't helping Morgan at all. Morgan can't stay at his friend's every night, and I am not having him move out again. I don't want this to be something I have to break my family up for.

Morgan already sees a counselor individually, and I'm trying to convince Dai to go for family counseling, but so far he's having none of it. This whole thing just makes me want to scream!

:arghh:

 

[Teresa]

I know this isn't what you want to hear and it's not the most constructive answer but IMO any man that will treat your son like that is not a man that is "wonderful" to you or your daughter.

I have to agree with this, from my own experience. When I was with my second husband, he had issues with my oldest daughter, and she with him, that I tried to smooth over for years. Finally, there was no more smoothing that could be done, and I had to accept that our "family" really wasn't....hearing my YOUNGEST, his bio daughter say "This is a house, but it's sure not a home" was the catalyst that got me moving out the door.

 

[FooserX]

I'm with Skyburning and Teresa...why the heck are you married to a guy who would treat your son like this?

He sounds awful to me.

 

[fallon]

you need to let him know that treating your son that way it NOT acceptable in any way. I personally would have a hard time staying with a man who would talk to my child that way but I also understand it's a lot easier to say that then to actually live it. I think it's time for a chat your hubby and you need to lay down some ground rules as far as his dealings with your son

 

[HappyMomma]

Just my opinion and I'm going only by the content of your post, but it seems that Dai's behavior is bordering on emotional and verbal abuse.

It's already pushed your son out to a dangerous living situation and also seems to be shown in his choice of his last partner. I'm not saying this is the only factor, but it very well could have contributed to your son's choices.

 

[1dayatatime]

I totally agree with Fallon.

 

[Amber]

I agree with the above posters. If my husband were to degrade my children like that, he'd be gone. I believe in children first, at least while you're married.

 

[AnKsMommy]

Just wanted to agree with what everyone else said. You're son sounds like he's had a hard past couple of years and what your husband is doing to him isn't making it easier. He's still a kid, he needs to be loved and supported. Your husband doesn't need to agree with his lifestyle, but he at least needs to give him some respect, and that goes for how your son should treat him too. But yea, kids always come first!

 

[Mindy]

Morgan finally got fed up and snapped at Dai. He basically said "f*** you", to which Dai (6'2", 200lbs) responded by puffing up and getting in Morgan's (6'1", 130lbs) face. I pushed them apart and told Morgan to take a walk to calm down, and told Dai to just lay off him. They both backed down, but Dai made a verrrry cutting, below-the-belt kind of remark and called him the f word (rhymes with bag), and Morgan stormed out. He called me from his best friend's house to say he's going to spend the night there because he doesn't want to come home tonight.

I agree with everyone else... Doesn't seem like Morgan is the one who needs the behavior counseling, sounds like your hubby does.

I cannot BELIEVE he called him that... Absolutely deal breaking for me... Morgan will never ever forget or forgive him for that as long as he lives. Any relationship he could have hoped to have with his step dad will never be.

Your husband crossed the line. You don't even call kids stupid let alone fag. That is the most childish thing.... I can't imagine a grown man stooping to that level. Please, you need to make it abundantly clear to Morgan that what his step dad said IS NOT OK with you. And you will not tolerate stuff like that. Your son needs to know he has someone in his corner that won't attack him on such a personal level...

 

[Ari2]

I love Dai. Really, I do. He's wonderful to Emma and me, but I just don't know how much longer I can handle being forced to pick sides between him and my son.

It seems you repeatedly have picked sides and ended up supporting your husband, which resulted in your 16 yo son moving into an unsafe situation, dealing with inappropriate things, and having to be hospitalized.

Your husband may be wonderful to you and your daughter, but it sounds like he is doing significant, lasting damage to your son. How much more are you willing to have happen to your son before you make major changes? This isn't a rhetorical question; I'm wondering what you are waiting to happen.

You wrote that you allowed your son to move out because it seemed like an easier and more peaceful solution. Unfortunately, your son paid a terrible price. Your husband needs to get help and change his attitude and behavior toward your son or you need to get him out of your son's life, regardless of how difficult and disruptive this may be.

 

[kristakmj]

my husband came from a blended family and his step mom was horrible abusive to him and his dad never stood up for him for fear of rocking the boat, he has let the past go , but it was with alot of help from me . he had major issues with women since his BIO mom left when he was 3 and his step mom was abusive. this has carried over to the grandkids, our kids dont have a real relationship with his dad and step mom and his step brother and step sisters kids are the B all and end all in thier world.

my point is this i know you love this man and while he may be wonderful to you and your daughter he cant "truly" love you until he loves every part of you and that includes your son . your son sounds very confused and hurt and prolly feeling like you turned your back on him . im not saying that just because your son doesnt accept him you should leave but your husband should show your son resepect calling him insulting names is very immature, your son is still young and is learning this stuff is okay . your daughter is seeing this is as well and it wouldnt surprise me if your son begins to turn his feelings on your daughter as well .

tell your husband either he acts like a MAN and FATHER or you cant stay with him , i would never tolerate anyone talking to my kids that way period

 

[TammyZed]

Your husband may be wonderful to you and your daughter, but it sounds like he is doing significant, lasting damage to your son. How much more are you willing to have happen to your son before you make major changes? This isn't a rhetorical question; I'm wondering what you are waiting to happen.

I honestly don't know.

I've let Morgan down in so many ways, and it kills me that he's being hurt still. It was so easy to antagonize a family friend over what happened because there was distance. I wasn't there witnessing it, and when it all came to light there was such a mama bear instinct that I could have torn out that man's throat for what he did to Morgan. In this case, it's so many things. That instinct is drowned out because Dai is the father of my little girl, and I love him. Morgan is almost eighteen and will be moving out... but I'm so terrified of him leaving my care because I don't want him to get sucked into another bad situation. In trying to keep Morgan out of a bad situation, I've put him in one.

I really do feel like the worst mother when it comes to Morgan. He's been through every mother's nightmare and back. Now he seems so... haunted. I hate that he has to be like that. It kills me everyday that he still laughs and goes out with friends, because he's been in <I>dark</I> places.

Dai doesn't understand that. He looks at Morgan and sees a boy who has brought everything upon himself, not a boy who was a victim of circumstance. I've tried to explain the gravity of what happened, but he just doesn't grasp it. Morgan came back to us a completely different person.

I feel guilty in so many ways. Morgan never knew his father (hell, <I>I</I> never knew his father), and I wanted so badly for Dai to be that figure in his life. He isn't, and never was. It's easy for me to see now that the family friend became a twisted sort of father figure to Morgan. It makes sense, even though it baffled me at the time why Morgan would mourn that loss.

I'm not sure why I side with Dai, and why I even allow Dai to treat Morgan like this. I don't know what I'm waiting for. There's a part of me that wants them to get along. I thought that things would be different when we brought Morgan back because of everything that went on. While Morgan was in the hospital, Dai was my pillar of strength. He kept me going when I was at my worst. I thought that the genuine concern and care he had for me would carry over to my son. If anything, it was worse once Morgan got back.

I think we're past the point of there being a possibility to get along. It's apparently obvious what I have to do, but doing it is another story...

 

[Mindy]

(((TammyZed))) Please don't feel like you failed Morgan, just don't give up, and for goodness sakes stand up for your baby boy! You can do it, I know you can.

 

[AnKsMommy]

You haven't failed him yet, you're willing to work on everything, right? You've only failed whenever you've given up on him.

Take a good step back at your marriage and the relationship that you have with your children. See what kind of changes you can make.

 

[FooserX]

I think you fail Morgan by allowing anyone to treat him this way. Everytime one of these incidents happen...you have to power to do the right thing. Everytime you shrink away and let it happen - you fail him.

Seems like when it comes down to it, you'd rather be married and sweep the problems under the rug than risk dealing with any serious conflict with your husband. Women in domestic violence situations also find ways to justify staying and defending their husbands.

You keep posting about some "dark and haunted" past, but I guess I missed that post. I hesitate to give any opinions not knowing all the facts...but I don't think letting someone treat your kid is healthy.