same-sex relationships and sleepovers / and stinky friends...

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artmom

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My daughter is back in a relationship with a girl. This isn't the issue. The issue is that she is sleeping over at her house, tonight. I'm sure she is in good hands. She wanted to have the sleep over here tonight, but I have to work tomorrow morning and, quite frankly, her girlfriend stinks of b.o., BAD. It's to the point that it lingers on everything. I have to pay to do one load of laundry and it's not cheap in my building, so I don't like her to come over. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I just don't want her to come over unless she has showered, puts on deodorant and everything she is wearing is washed. My daughter asked if she could have the sleep over tomorrow night.

I told her no because she is in a relationship with this girl and I have to make the same rules as I would if she were in relationship with a boy. (Although it wouldn't matter. No sleep overs with boys at all.) But when she asked to sleep over at this girls place I allowed her to. Now I'm thinking, I just contradicted myself. But, really, the whole issue is that the girl stinks and I didn't want her over. The reason that gave to my daughter was a cover-up. But now I'm thinking if this is even a good idea at all that they sleep over at all.

Question to you is, how can I go about letting this girl over and making sure she doesn't stink without being offensive? Talking to her mom is out of the question. She doesn't seem very nice and I don't talk to her much. And, is it right to refuse sleepovers when your child's friend is in a same-sex relationship with them?
 
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artmom

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lol. no, not joking. Of course this is more puppy love, of course. Nothing heavy. My daughter is more into holding hands and peck kisses.
She was with this girl last year. I thought they were just friends because she hadn't come out to me yet. So, they've been on and off and on again. This girl has been over before a few times and the stench was unbearable. It's nasty pit B/O is what that is.
 
TabascoNatalie

TabascoNatalie

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Seriously. With all due respects, i don't think either of them actually grasp the concept of "relationship" yet. 13yos still play minecraft and do scrapbooks of their favorite bands.
Same-sex relationship... ffs
 
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page16

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I wouldn't allow the sleepover unless if I knew that the mother of the girl is responsible and keeps an eye on things.

Are you sure that it's a 'relationship'? They could just be best friends.
A friend of mine her daughter was hanging out with a girl when she was about 16. My friend was convinced that her daughter was gay, turns out she was not and it caused a rift between mother and daughter.

The smell.. you should be able to tell a 13 year old to shower and put fresh clothes on. If the smell is that bad, don't the teachers in school talk to her about it?
 
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artmom

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page16 said:
I wouldn't allow the sleepover unless if I knew that the mother of the girl is responsible and keeps an eye on things.

Are you sure that it's a 'relationship'? They could just be best friends.
A friend of mine her daughter was hanging out with a girl when she was about 16. My friend was convinced that her daughter was gay, turns out she was not and it caused a rift between mother and daughter.

The smell.. you should be able to tell a 13 year old to shower and put fresh clothes on. If the smell is that bad, don't the teachers in school talk to her about it?
Click to expand...
My daughter is 13. She's been at that house before and knows to call me if she is ever feeling uncomfortable.
For an update, she said the sleep over went fine. She was back at home just before I got off work that evening.

My daughter came out and told me that she is bi just this fall. When they were first hanging out last summer I thought they were just friends. She stopped hanging out with this girl abruptly after a fight. This fall she got the courage to come out to me and told me, herself and that she was in a relationship with this girl girlfriend/girlfriend. I had no idea. She just broke up with a boy and made up with her old girlfriend and now she says they are back together. My daughter has other really good friends and one particular best friend she had since grade 4, but doesn't associate them as anything more than friends. Like I said, this relationship she's in now is not really serious, just puppy love.
I know teens are still figuring out themselves and who knows who she'll turn out to be in the future. But I don't think adults give teens enough credit in knowing anything about who they are or knowing about anything. I don't know where that logic of thinking comes from. I remember what it was like when I was a teenager and I found it (I still find it) aggravating when people dismiss what I say and treat me like I'm not smart enough or old enough to know anything. (This isn't pertaining to you, necessarily. I'm just saying.) All I know is that it is damaging to teens when they come out to their parents only to have their parents attack, berate, laugh or completely disbelieve them. I just told her that as long as she is focusing on her school work and the relationship isn't distracting her from school and the relationship is not too serious, it's fine.

I have no problem telling my own to take a shower and put fresh clothes on. But other kids, that's another story. I don't want to embarrass her or have it get back to her mom who may get offended.
 
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akmom

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I had a friend in high school or middle school that would wear the same gym clothes every day, and it really started to smell bad. So when we were in the locker room, I said, "It smells so bad in here, like people are not taking their gym clothes home and washing them." I didn't accuse her of being the one who smelled... I waited until we were in the locker room where the blame could be spread among all the gym students generally. But it got the point across that unwashed gym clothes smell, because she took them home that day and brought clean clothes from then on.

Maybe you can find a similar way to put it out there without directly telling her she smells.
 
Wickett

Wickett

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What I can't believe is that parents can't seem to remember just a few years back when they were teenagers, otherwise they would know that at 13 years old they have no flipping clue what dating is or should be. Putting aside whether or not you think same-sex dating relationships are okay, no 13 year-old girl knows enough about herself or relationships to even make such a call. The fact that you went right along with it is way more scary to me than a little body odor, which by the way, is the most trivial thing in this thread. "Hey miss, I don't mean to sound rude but I think the weather and activity is getting to you a bit. Maybe you should get yourself a quick shower, you can use ours if you like." Problem solved.

As for sleeping over. If you actually consider these two to be in a dating type relationship (which in itself is absurd in my opinion on so many different levels) then no, absolutely not.
 
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artmom

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I do remember what it was like when I was 13 and I wasn't a complete moron. I had my first boyfriend fling for a month. I ended it as I knew he was starting to mistreat me (pushing, controlling, demanding inappropriate things like showing my boobs, in which I did not and threw him out of my house.) So that was that.
I never said my daughters relationships are serious. But she does know she is attracted to girls. I would absolutely NEVER alienate her about her sexuality. It took a lot of courage for her to come out. I don't know about the United States, but here in Canada, we learn in school to accept and respect everyone, despite how different we are. Some people may still hold conservative views, but hatred is not tolerated in the general society, when it comes to homosexuality.

But, anyways, I mentioned in my first post that the type of relationship she is in is not the issue with me. I put that out intentionally to get the point across that I'm open to accepting my daughter the way she is and to get on to the matter I was having an issue with at hand. Not to open a debate about same sex relationships.
 
TabascoNatalie

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I do agree that kids' feelings should be acknowledged properly, and not laughed at or dismissed as nonsense, because its counterproductive and kids simply stop trusting you.

As for sexuality, i don't know. In UK its a sort of taboo to say anything negative, but personally i have a slightly different opinion. At age of 13 they are only starting to discover things. Attraction, opposite sex, etc. Many kids would feel quite awkward around opposite sex at that age, also girls tend to mature faster. This "its ok to be gay" thing... because boys of your age are not interesting? I think its a wrong message. I don't think its right to encourage kids to experiment with such things.
I'd say leave this topic of sexuality sleep for a few more years.
 
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artmom

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TabascoNatalie said:
This "its ok to be gay" thing... because boys of your age are not interesting? I think its a wrong message. I don't think its right to encourage kids to experiment with such things.
I'd say leave this topic of sexuality sleep for a few more years.
Click to expand...

My daughter says she is bi. She did have a boyfriend for a few weeks recently, broke up and got back with this girl. She has only gone on one official date, so far.
I think you are misunderstanding what I was saying.
I'm not suggesting or even allowing anything more than holding hands and little peck kisses. But nothing heavy, of course. We have discussions all the time about her relationships and what is appropriate and inappropriate for her age. I do have values that I expect her to adhere to. She is not to have a serious relationship until she is finished with school, but I since it is normal for teens to date casually, then that is allowed.
When she came out to me, I have to admit, I was a little freaked out in my mind. But I had to keep myself together and realize that my daughter was very nervous about it. She watched a video where a mother attacked her son when he came out to his family. My kid thought I was going to react the same way. She said she has been feeling this way for a long time. She does crush on boys, but she doesn't like how jealous they get. She is starting to get to know what she wants out of a relationship and we talk about that often. I listen and help with her put things into perspective.
I realize she may change over time. I don't call this "experimenting", unless you lump dating, in general, experimenting. For now, I support my daughter. She is quite mature for her age, as other adults who have met
her told me. She is happy and confident with herself. I think it is very commendable and mature to be open about these things with me. And I would rather that than her sneaking around and dealing with issues on her own, like other teens do.

So back to my issue that I was originally asking about. I've read all the comments and I have observed what little productive advice was mentioned around judgments. This girl doesn't come around much and I've taken some time to really think. I've come to the conclusion that a sleep-over may not be appropriate with them being in a that sort of relationship. And, if that girl does come over, I'll make sure to leave a spare towel for her.

If you want to continue the debate of homosexuality feel free to make your own thread in the debate section. I won't be participating in any more of these arguments. No hard feelings. We just simply have different views on this subject that we are all entitled to. But I wasn't expecting this thread to go on like this and I've had enough!
 
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