Scared of toxic ex


New member
Jun 3, 2021
This is my first time in a forum but I am so at a loss what to do I thought this might be a good place to start..

I became a single mum at 20 years old, I raised my daughter by myself until she was 4 and then I met someone. We had almost 5 years of a very toxic relationship. Sometimes it would be great but he was very angry and my daughter and I were exposed to a lot of emotional abuse. I left him multiple times because I was scared and knew it wasn’t a safe or healthy place for my daughter and I to be. But every time he would claim he would quit drinking and get help but not long after we would come home he would go right back to how he was. In September 2019 he went so crazy that I grabbed my daughter and ran out of the house and never ever went back. It took us a long time to heal and still work through it sometimes. Just over a year ago a very close friend of mine and I started dating, he is the most gentle, kind person in the world and my daughter just loves him. It is the exact life I had always pictured. However now my ex husband suddenly has reappeared in our lives trying to spend time with my daughter. He says he has changed and truly acts like he has but my gut feeling is that he hasn’t just because of the past. My daughter hadn’t seen him since we left but two days ago he was “coincidentally” biking by our house as I was driving her to school and we were cornered in the driveway so she talked to him. Now she wants to have him around but I am struggling because we have such a peaceful life now that it scares me to reopen a door that could be potentially very toxic. What should I do? Can people change? Has anyone else gone through something similar?


Nov 9, 2020
I've never gone through that but my sister has. I'm feeling just from this that you and your daughter should avoid this man, you should let your current partner know about the approach and attempt at contact (if you haven't already), and perhaps consider a restraining order.

I do think people can change but I believe the older a person is the longer it takes to change. I'm going to assume he's approximately your age which puts him in his 30s. I don't think someone in their 30s can change in two years. ESPECIALLY considering he didn't change in the five years you were together.

Your daughter is in her preteens now? I think it would be a good time to talk about relationships if you haven't already. Even so, I think she's old enough to understand if you explain to her why you don't want him back in your lives. Although he had a hand in raising her he is not her father and is dangerous to both of you. I'd be curious to see if she protests.

I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.