Should I tell my teenager their Father passed away?

[Kokobear23]

Hello, I just joined this forum because I keep going back and forth on this decision. Quick context: when my daughter was 4 weeks old, I found out her Father did serious drugs regularly and cheated on me the entire time I was pregnant. Basically, just not the guy I thought he was. I moved out (2 miles away) thinking he would get his act together and contact us within weeks, maybe months. Who wouldn't want to see their baby? Years went by. No contact whatsoever.
My family advised me not to file for child support because with that, would come visitation. If he was still using drugs, obviously not the person/lifestyle for a child to be around. So I never filed. 15 1/2 years went by. No phone call, no birthday cards, no contact of any kind. Every year I thought of him. 'how is it possible someone doesn't want to see/contact their own child' 'how is it possible to absolutely not care'.

For whatever reason, after 15 1/2 years in 2020, I tracked him down and contacted him. Not to point fingers or even ask why. I wanted to give him an 'invitation' to be a part of her life if he was no longer using drugs and if he wanted to. I just needed to know if moving forward, if he wanted to meet our daughter and be a part of her life. We spoke twice over the next few weeks and texted a few times. He said he did not do drugs. Obviously, I didn't know if that was true or not. Over the next 4 months, I kept asking if he wanted to meet her, to get involved.His answer was always the same . 'Yes absolutely' yet over the next 4 months, he never even asked anything about her except 'is she gorgeous'. He took no action, no plans were made, he didn't talk about making plans. The old adage ' actions, not words'.

I also contacted his mother around the same time to get her two cents and see if that would help push him to get involved. I had met her once when my daughter was born. Very kind person, wanting to be involved in my daughters life. I was very surprised after 15 years, she was in denial about her son not wanting anything to do with my daughter and even blamed me for him not seeing her. I reminded her that even if I didnt want him involved, legally I could not do that. Complete denial even 15 years later.

I have spoken with my daughter now 17, about him 2 or 3 times keeping everything vague. I did not tell her about the drug using, I simply told her we had both decided it would be best for me to raise her with help from her Grandparents (my Parents). They have both been very involved throughout her life, my Father stepping in so to speak, being the 'male/father figure' in her life. She has never brought the 'Father' up, never asked about him, which I find odd. I feel like I have not discussed the topic with her enough. She has to think about him. All these years, wondering why he's out there and has never made contact with her. She has probably thought about it her entire life, but has kept it all in. There is no way, this has not caused her pain. I should have taken action sooner. A long time ago. For one thing, I should have found a step Dad for her instead of being selfish, not ready to settle down, not trying to meet anyone.

Last year, after being in contact with him for 4 months, I got a call. He passed away. They did not know why. My guess is drugs. Heavy usage over the years would do it for a 40 year old. But that's just a guess.

Sorry, this is longer than I thought. Anyway, to any Parents with some insight/wisdom, I would really appreciate some advice. My questions are:

• I feel like I need to discuss him with her. What do I say? I don't even know where to start.
• Do I tell her the truth about drugs?
• What do I say when she asks 'why has he never made contact with me'?
• Do I tell her he died or wait on that part?
• If I tell her he died, should I say it was a long time ago so she will know thats the reason he never contacted her vs he never wanted anything to do with you and just recently died? B/C that is how she will make sense of it, as anyone would.
• The other Grandmother, that wants to be involved, my daughter has not met. Should I initiate a relationship between them? Tell my daughter about her? If so, how would that make her feel meeting her Grandmother for the first time at age 17, when she never had a relationship with her own Father and he just recently passed away?

Thank you for reading my 'essay' and any advise is appreciated.

 

[LizBit_79]

Hello!

Seems like a lot on your plate to try to figure out how best to let your child know about their father. I am not sure at this juncture if you have decided to have that conversation with your child, but with her father's mother (her grandmother) wanting to be involved in her life it seems like this is a conversation that you will need to have with your child. Understanding that her father used drugs extensively and that was his main focus in life, is something that she should be aware of. He may have loved her, but the drugs were his main focus and he may not have felt confident being a part of her life due to this. He might not have made contact due to being embarrassed about his addiction and not wanting to have that around her, but that would only be guessing at this point. She is almost an adult, and knowing that her father has passed due to probably long-term drug use is something fair to tell her. It does not seem as if you were being selfish not trying to find her a step-dad to fulfill the father figure role in your child's life and it does sound as if your father fulfilled that role while you focused on you and your child's life. You could also gauge what she wants to know about her father by asking her some probing questions and letting that direct your conversation. Honesty about him could be beneficial, and if she is not interested in knowing about him, then that's okay. She may not want to know at this point in her life and may choose to want to know later in life. It does sound like this conversation may come up sooner than later since her grandmother wants to be involved, and she may have some hurt feelings about why her grandmother wants to be a part of her life now as compared to earlier. That may be a conversation she has with her grandmother as to the why compared to you. It is possible that her grandmother is feeling disconnected and also her own mortality. You also would be a good person to screen her grandmother to ensure this would be a healthy relationship to nurture with her granddaughter (your child) or not. It could be that your child decides that this is too little too late, and that is okay for her to decide. I'm not sure if this helps with your decision, but just some food for thought and some suggestions.

Best of luck to you!

 

[GordonDean]

Not to point fingers or even ask why.