Hello, I just joined this forum because I keep going back and forth on this decision. Quick context: when my daughter was 4 weeks old, I found out her Father did serious drugs regularly and cheated on me the entire time I was pregnant. Basically, just not the guy I thought he was. I moved out (2 miles away) thinking he would get his act together and contact us within weeks, maybe months. Who wouldn't want to see their baby? Years went by. No contact whatsoever.
My family advised me not to file for child support because with that, would come visitation. If he was still using drugs, obviously not the person/lifestyle for a child to be around. So I never filed. 15 1/2 years went by. No phone call, no birthday cards, no contact of any kind. Every year I thought of him. 'how is it possible someone doesn't want to see/contact their own child' 'how is it possible to absolutely not care'.
For whatever reason, after 15 1/2 years in 2020, I tracked him down and contacted him. Not to point fingers or even ask why. I wanted to give him an 'invitation' to be a part of her life if he was no longer using drugs and if he wanted to. I just needed to know if moving forward, if he wanted to meet our daughter and be a part of her life. We spoke twice over the next few weeks and texted a few times. He said he did not do drugs. Obviously, I didn't know if that was true or not. Over the next 4 months, I kept asking if he wanted to meet her, to get involved.His answer was always the same . 'Yes absolutely' yet over the next 4 months, he never even asked anything about her except 'is she gorgeous'. He took no action, no plans were made, he didn't talk about making plans. The old adage ' actions, not words'.
I also contacted his mother around the same time to get her two cents and see if that would help push him to get involved. I had met her once when my daughter was born. Very kind person, wanting to be involved in my daughters life. I was very surprised after 15 years, she was in denial about her son not wanting anything to do with my daughter and even blamed me for him not seeing her. I reminded her that even if I didnt want him involved, legally I could not do that. Complete denial even 15 years later.
I have spoken with my daughter now 17, about him 2 or 3 times keeping everything vague. I did not tell her about the drug using, I simply told her we had both decided it would be best for me to raise her with help from her Grandparents (my Parents). They have both been very involved throughout her life, my Father stepping in so to speak, being the 'male/father figure' in her life. She has never brought the 'Father' up, never asked about him, which I find odd. I feel like I have not discussed the topic with her enough. She has to think about him. All these years, wondering why he's out there and has never made contact with her. She has probably thought about it her entire life, but has kept it all in. There is no way, this has not caused her pain. I should have taken action sooner. A long time ago. For one thing, I should have found a step Dad for her instead of being selfish, not ready to settle down, not trying to meet anyone.
Last year, after being in contact with him for 4 months, I got a call. He passed away. They did not know why. My guess is drugs. Heavy usage over the years would do it for a 40 year old. But that's just a guess.
Sorry, this is longer than I thought. Anyway, to any Parents with some insight/wisdom, I would really appreciate some advice. My questions are:
Thank you for reading my 'essay' and any advise is appreciated.
My family advised me not to file for child support because with that, would come visitation. If he was still using drugs, obviously not the person/lifestyle for a child to be around. So I never filed. 15 1/2 years went by. No phone call, no birthday cards, no contact of any kind. Every year I thought of him. 'how is it possible someone doesn't want to see/contact their own child' 'how is it possible to absolutely not care'.
For whatever reason, after 15 1/2 years in 2020, I tracked him down and contacted him. Not to point fingers or even ask why. I wanted to give him an 'invitation' to be a part of her life if he was no longer using drugs and if he wanted to. I just needed to know if moving forward, if he wanted to meet our daughter and be a part of her life. We spoke twice over the next few weeks and texted a few times. He said he did not do drugs. Obviously, I didn't know if that was true or not. Over the next 4 months, I kept asking if he wanted to meet her, to get involved.His answer was always the same . 'Yes absolutely' yet over the next 4 months, he never even asked anything about her except 'is she gorgeous'. He took no action, no plans were made, he didn't talk about making plans. The old adage ' actions, not words'.
I also contacted his mother around the same time to get her two cents and see if that would help push him to get involved. I had met her once when my daughter was born. Very kind person, wanting to be involved in my daughters life. I was very surprised after 15 years, she was in denial about her son not wanting anything to do with my daughter and even blamed me for him not seeing her. I reminded her that even if I didnt want him involved, legally I could not do that. Complete denial even 15 years later.
I have spoken with my daughter now 17, about him 2 or 3 times keeping everything vague. I did not tell her about the drug using, I simply told her we had both decided it would be best for me to raise her with help from her Grandparents (my Parents). They have both been very involved throughout her life, my Father stepping in so to speak, being the 'male/father figure' in her life. She has never brought the 'Father' up, never asked about him, which I find odd. I feel like I have not discussed the topic with her enough. She has to think about him. All these years, wondering why he's out there and has never made contact with her. She has probably thought about it her entire life, but has kept it all in. There is no way, this has not caused her pain. I should have taken action sooner. A long time ago. For one thing, I should have found a step Dad for her instead of being selfish, not ready to settle down, not trying to meet anyone.
Last year, after being in contact with him for 4 months, I got a call. He passed away. They did not know why. My guess is drugs. Heavy usage over the years would do it for a 40 year old. But that's just a guess.
Sorry, this is longer than I thought. Anyway, to any Parents with some insight/wisdom, I would really appreciate some advice. My questions are:
- I feel like I need to discuss him with her. What do I say? I don't even know where to start.
- Do I tell her the truth about drugs?
- What do I say when she asks 'why has he never made contact with me'?
- Do I tell her he died or wait on that part?
- If I tell her he died, should I say it was a long time ago so she will know thats the reason he never contacted her vs he never wanted anything to do with you and just recently died? B/C that is how she will make sense of it, as anyone would.
- The other Grandmother, that wants to be involved, my daughter has not met. Should I initiate a relationship between them? Tell my daughter about her? If so, how would that make her feel meeting her Grandmother for the first time at age 17, when she never had a relationship with her own Father and he just recently passed away?
Thank you for reading my 'essay' and any advise is appreciated.