So what DOES count as cheating?...

FooserX

FooserX

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I'm not disagreeing with you Amber.

I just think certain people can handle certain things, and others can't. I'm with Lissa - cybersex is like pornography. It's fun and an escape, and no one gets hurt.

If you can control it, cyberflings are fun to play with...if you get all serious, then it can be pretty damaging to everyone.
 
Trina

Trina

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Cheating is cheating. Love making is something special DH and I do together. I value our marriage so much that I would never do anything to jeopardize it. I simply couldn't handle the guilt or betrayal. I don't mind if DH occasionally looks at porn, but I'm not comfortable with him interacting sexually with other people in any way, shape or form. He feels the same.

All that said, your wife needs to understand that when a woman repeatedly rejects her husband sexually, it translates to him as, "I don't love you." Even if she's not in the mood for sex for whatever reason it's not right to totally shut things off. A marriage involves TWO people, and that's terribly selfish and one sided. No, she doesn't have to put out every time, but should some of the time for your sake. At the very least, to meet you half way and help you along, if you KWIM. In our 20 yrs. of marriage there have been many times when one of us wasn't in the mood. You don't have to have intercourse each time, one can satisfy the other in different ways. ;) It's a compromise that keeps both parties happy.
 
FooserX

FooserX

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I agree 100% that cheating is awful and will destroy any relationship.

I don't know...I guess there's just a part of me that likes living in the moment. When I look back on some instances I've been in...I only regret the times I showed restraint.
 
M

Mindy

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Feb 20, 2008
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evilbrent said:
So I've got this business trip to China coming up. It's very exciting - I haven't had a passport since I was 7. I'm going to basically oversee the tooling trials for a product that I've designed.

Some of the guys were joking today that when you're there they take you to the baths for a massage, and there's two choices: "massage" or "massage with happy ending".

I jokingly asked the question "So, when you're overseas it doesn't count as cheating right?" and I honestly couldn't tell if they agreed with me. One woman said she was at a sales meeting in Bali and of the 13 men at the meeting 11 of them cheated on their partner. They even took her for drinks one night AT the brothel.

(Before I go further, let me just be clear - I do NOT intend to have sex or even 'happy ending's. I'm not like that. I AM just joshing around here. I'll be wearing my wedding ring.)

Ok, so I'm going through a 'dry patch' right now. (Ie, my depressed wife doesn't want me going near her this year, but otherwise we're ok.)
I started a little joke with her - "Should I get a massage with a happy ending?" and she basically refused to answer. I mean how hard is that? The answer is NO! right? Well. That's what I thought. I grilled her, and it turns out that she doesn't want me to, but she doesn't feel like she's got a right to say something like that because she's not 'holding up her end of the bargain'. Her words.

Anyway, I thought it was an interesting topic: what counts as cheating?

(I did not have sexual relations with that woman).

What happens on the road stays on the road right? ;)
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Anything you wouldn't do in front of your wife, or be fine with her knowing about, is cheating. Doesnt' have be be physical. You can cheat emotionally too.
 
Skyburning

Skyburning

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Especially after some of the things I've heard you say about relationships, Foos. Cyber sex seems like something you would be against based on previous statements.
 
FooserX

FooserX

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Skyburning said:
Especially after some of the things I've heard you say about relationships, Foos. Cyber sex seems like something you would be against based on previous statements.
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Well I said I'm torn.

Cybersex is easy - to me it's harmless and fun.

Physically cheating with someone isn't okay, but I'm not going to lie - there's a part of me that sees it as exciting and dangerous and hot as hell. Life is meant to be lived sometimes. Sue me. Would I hate it if my wife cheated? Hell yes. Would I be proud of cheating? Heck no...it's horrible.

I don't know how to explain it - hopefully I just stay out of that situation all together so I never have to make a choice.
 
ivybendorf

ivybendorf

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I think the definition of cheating depends on the relationship. My last relationship was very uptight, very "Don't even joke about it!". Now I am half of a couple that is much more open. We joke, fantasize, and actually fix each other up. What constitutes cheating, for us, is hiding it. If you receive oral sex from someone, and your partner is not aware and you have no intention of saying anything, you just cheated. On the other hand, hubby going to the strip club and brining a dancer home for me to ok is totally acceptable. But, we are strange, LOL!

It seems to me that your wife is feeling guilty for her lack of sex drive, but that is not an invitation to find relief elsewhere. I think that would hurt her more than you think, not that you are going to act on anything.
 
evilbrent

evilbrent

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ivybendorf said:
It seems to me that your wife is feeling guilty for her lack of sex drive, but that is not an invitation to find relief elsewhere. I think that would hurt her more than you think, not that you are going to act on anything.
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she actually encourages me to look at porn because she thinks that detracts attention away from her.
 
evilbrent

evilbrent

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Trina said:
No, she doesn't have to put out every time, but should some of the time for your sake. At the very least, to meet you half way and help you along, if you KWIM.
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she basically let me rape her the other day. Well, it was about 4 weeks ago now...

so - here's me trying to 'make love' to her, and I thought, "She's being even more unresponsive than I thought possible."... turns out, the whole time, she was lying there in the dark with her eyes closed trying not to cry - waiting for me to finish.

I didn't COERCE her into this: all _I_ did was say "I'm going to go brush my teeth then wait for you in the bed." Then I brushed my teeth, went to bed and started reading my book - HOPING she'd follow but not getting my hopes up in you know what I mean. Then she followed. Turned out the lights. Took off her pants. Got into the bed. Said "ok, come on then". I climbed on top, did my thing, and then that was that. I didn't find out until it was finished that she'd only done it because she thought "I deserve sex".

I felt dirty - unclean.

I don't like my wife's way of meeting me halfway.

she wrote me a letter that includes "I hate being touched let alone having sex with you. I'm so disgusting that it feels like you only come to me because you need a hole. You deserve sex but I don't feel that I can give it to you."

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Amber - as far as cybersex goes: do you allow your husband to hug his female friends? Don't you draw a line between mere gratification and actual intercourse?

I think that the word 'cheat' means different things to different people because every relationship is a different game with different rules. I actually don't want outsiders pointing their nose into my business - telling me what is and is not ok for my relationship: that reeks of Moral Majority.

But it is interesting finding out where different people draw the line.

I know that it's the case that in Saudi Arabia the actual AUTHORITIES think that it's immoral enough to stone a woman if she's 'caught' alone, say in a parked car, with a man who is not related to her. That sounds like madness to me, but there really are [otherwise] perfectly 'moral' people who believe that just being in the COMPANY of a man is a sin - the "ultimate betrayal".

Personally I think that the _ultimate_ betrayal is probably more like murder, incest, child abuse, rape... that sort of thing... just having sex with a person who isn't the person you bought a house with... meh. that's bad, but it's far from _ultimate_.
 
.:Kalli Rae:.

.:Kalli Rae:.

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My husband split up a month ago because of cyber sex. He was having cyber sex with a couple different women for the last 3-4 months and I found out. I made him leave that day.
 
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