I write this reluctantly, and mostly out of desperation (and perhaps depression). My situation is as follows:
My wife and I have a three-year-old son, who I absolutely adore. He's a handful, but what kid his age isn't? It is a joy watching him learn and grow.
Before we decided to conceive, we had what I would consider a very active sex life. We had spent several years together, slowly exploring each other (principles, philosophies, bodies), falling in love, moving in together, falling deeper in love, getting married, and building a life together.
My libido has always been on the high end of things. Hers was similar throughout our relationship, but it hadn't always been that way. We are in our late 30s/early 40s, so I acknowledge that her drive may have been elevated by biological factors commonly associated with our age.
When my wife was pregnant, the frequency of our sexual interactions (not just intercourse) tapered off to near zero by the time my son was born. That being said, we both still very much enjoyed spending time with each other, and we were both quite excited about having a child. I didn't really give much thought to the decreased sexual activity, because I didn't feel like intimacy or closeness was waning (if that makes sense).
The birth was difficult. Our son was colicky. We were both exhausted nearly all the time. The first few months were a lot tougher than I imagined. Thankfully, my wife is very patient. She and I remained communicative, and with teamwork we got through it. If I was really being honest, I could not claim we were equal partners in caring for our son, but I tried very hard to fill in where I could. If I had to account for things (which I don't like to do), my guess is that I probably did about 35-40% of the work, and she did about 60-65% of it. (I might be overestimating my contribution though.)
During breastfeeding, my wife's libido remained very low. Having read up on how hormone levels can change before and after birth of a child, as well as during breastfeeding, this was disappointing, but expected. However, it came with a certain physical distance that was difficult for me. (She was not as responsive, and sometimes outright annoyed by my touching or hugging her.) I think she felt a little guilty about that, but it was easy for me to understand that after having a kid hanging onto you all day, the last thing you want is an adult doing the same thing. I totally understand the need for personal space, so I tried to give her a lot of that (at least compared to what I was used to). The topic would come up periodically (but I don't think frequently), and she would sometimes tear up, telling me she was sad that it wasn't like it was before.
We decided to breastfeed probably longer than most (about two years), during which her libido stayed very low. Again, I wasn't surprised by this. I would occasionally experiment with snuggling, nuzzling, kissing, and massaging. Mostly I would leave her alone when those occasional efforts were accepted lovingly, but not really reciprocated. This was very different than before conceiving. It used to be that she would seek me out as much as I did her. She would spontaneously hug me, or snuggle up to me quite frequently, without any kind of prompting on my part.
We (the three of us) went on a family vacation just before our son turned two, which was (probably predictably) not the romantic getaway I had hoped for. While we were away, I am ashamed that I spied on a very brief text message exchange between her and an ex lover. Like many of us, she remains in seldom, cordial contact with some of her former-partners-turned-friends, and she has never given me any reason to suspect that she is or has ever been unfaithful. Still, she lamented privately to him that our family trip was not like one she'd shared with him to a similar locale. I did not get the impression they were trying to revive anything, and it seemed to me more like old friends reminiscing than anything. Still, her expressing disappointment with something she missed, but seemed to remember fondly with someone else absolutely broke my heart. I still tear up when I think about it.
Toward the tail end of breastfeeding (when my son was about two), her menstrual cycle returned, and became more regular. She stopped producing (much) milk, and (much to the disappointment of my son) she decided to wean him from what remained mostly a comfort-seeking activity.
I had hoped that I would start to see that twinkle in her eye again, that she would once again scooch over to my side of the bed and cuddle up to me at night, or come up behind me and wrap her arms around my middle while I was cooking dinner, but it was not to be. It's been months, and she still has little apparent desire for physical closeness. Before conceiving, we had sex several times a week. Now we have it maybe once every 2-3 months.
We've talked about it a couple times, and I believe she's honestly sad about the difference. She's seen a doctor. We've tried topical testosterone and some other things, but she says it hasn't made much of a difference.
I am still trying to provide her space. That being said, I've never been shy about reminding her how absolutely beautiful she is, how much I admire her, and how much I remain totally head-over-heels in love with her. Every so often when I cuddle her, kiss her, and massage her, she won't prevent things from going further, but she lacks anything close to her prior enthusiasm. When we do make love, I am sometimes able to bring her to climax, although it's much more difficult than it was before. I should note that vaginal dryness was an issue early on, but that seemed to address itself about the same time that her menstrual cycle returned.
I don't miss the sex so much. It was never really about that. What I miss most is feeling desired. Turning her on was the biggest turn on for me. (Pity sex is a huge turnoff. I hate feeling "tolerated".) In my prior relationships, sex felt like somewhat of a struggle. With her, for perhaps the first time in my life, I felt accepted, <I>seen</I>, and truly <I>wanted</I>. It was the best high I've ever had, and I miss it terribly. The fact that she is the most respected and admired person in my life makes it all the more bittersweet. I don't want to pressure her, but I feel so unwanted. Based on my limited understanding, I've run out of "clinical" reasons for why it "should" be this way. I know that's probably a harmful way to think about things.
I feel like my wife and I communicate well, but she is a relatively private person when it comes to emotions. I want to continue our dialog, but the last thing I want her to feel is pressure from me. (I think she puts too much of that on herself already.)
Most of what I've read on other forums and websites doesn't seem very helpful. They mostly talk about hormonal changes from breastfeeding, exhaustion for caring for our child, or they ambiguously allude to some psychological x-factor without providing concrete examples or advice. Exhaustion may still be somewhat of a factor, so I don't want to rule it out, but things are vastly improved over when my son was born.
Have other mothers out there experienced similar, extremely prolonged degradation of libido? Did it return? If so, what worked for you? What changed, if anything? How was it different than before childbirth? What helps you remain intimate and close with the father of your child? What do you do, what does he do, what do you do together that you find helpful?
Any guidance is very much appreciated.
My wife and I have a three-year-old son, who I absolutely adore. He's a handful, but what kid his age isn't? It is a joy watching him learn and grow.
Before we decided to conceive, we had what I would consider a very active sex life. We had spent several years together, slowly exploring each other (principles, philosophies, bodies), falling in love, moving in together, falling deeper in love, getting married, and building a life together.
My libido has always been on the high end of things. Hers was similar throughout our relationship, but it hadn't always been that way. We are in our late 30s/early 40s, so I acknowledge that her drive may have been elevated by biological factors commonly associated with our age.
When my wife was pregnant, the frequency of our sexual interactions (not just intercourse) tapered off to near zero by the time my son was born. That being said, we both still very much enjoyed spending time with each other, and we were both quite excited about having a child. I didn't really give much thought to the decreased sexual activity, because I didn't feel like intimacy or closeness was waning (if that makes sense).
The birth was difficult. Our son was colicky. We were both exhausted nearly all the time. The first few months were a lot tougher than I imagined. Thankfully, my wife is very patient. She and I remained communicative, and with teamwork we got through it. If I was really being honest, I could not claim we were equal partners in caring for our son, but I tried very hard to fill in where I could. If I had to account for things (which I don't like to do), my guess is that I probably did about 35-40% of the work, and she did about 60-65% of it. (I might be overestimating my contribution though.)
During breastfeeding, my wife's libido remained very low. Having read up on how hormone levels can change before and after birth of a child, as well as during breastfeeding, this was disappointing, but expected. However, it came with a certain physical distance that was difficult for me. (She was not as responsive, and sometimes outright annoyed by my touching or hugging her.) I think she felt a little guilty about that, but it was easy for me to understand that after having a kid hanging onto you all day, the last thing you want is an adult doing the same thing. I totally understand the need for personal space, so I tried to give her a lot of that (at least compared to what I was used to). The topic would come up periodically (but I don't think frequently), and she would sometimes tear up, telling me she was sad that it wasn't like it was before.
We decided to breastfeed probably longer than most (about two years), during which her libido stayed very low. Again, I wasn't surprised by this. I would occasionally experiment with snuggling, nuzzling, kissing, and massaging. Mostly I would leave her alone when those occasional efforts were accepted lovingly, but not really reciprocated. This was very different than before conceiving. It used to be that she would seek me out as much as I did her. She would spontaneously hug me, or snuggle up to me quite frequently, without any kind of prompting on my part.
We (the three of us) went on a family vacation just before our son turned two, which was (probably predictably) not the romantic getaway I had hoped for. While we were away, I am ashamed that I spied on a very brief text message exchange between her and an ex lover. Like many of us, she remains in seldom, cordial contact with some of her former-partners-turned-friends, and she has never given me any reason to suspect that she is or has ever been unfaithful. Still, she lamented privately to him that our family trip was not like one she'd shared with him to a similar locale. I did not get the impression they were trying to revive anything, and it seemed to me more like old friends reminiscing than anything. Still, her expressing disappointment with something she missed, but seemed to remember fondly with someone else absolutely broke my heart. I still tear up when I think about it.
Toward the tail end of breastfeeding (when my son was about two), her menstrual cycle returned, and became more regular. She stopped producing (much) milk, and (much to the disappointment of my son) she decided to wean him from what remained mostly a comfort-seeking activity.
I had hoped that I would start to see that twinkle in her eye again, that she would once again scooch over to my side of the bed and cuddle up to me at night, or come up behind me and wrap her arms around my middle while I was cooking dinner, but it was not to be. It's been months, and she still has little apparent desire for physical closeness. Before conceiving, we had sex several times a week. Now we have it maybe once every 2-3 months.
We've talked about it a couple times, and I believe she's honestly sad about the difference. She's seen a doctor. We've tried topical testosterone and some other things, but she says it hasn't made much of a difference.
I am still trying to provide her space. That being said, I've never been shy about reminding her how absolutely beautiful she is, how much I admire her, and how much I remain totally head-over-heels in love with her. Every so often when I cuddle her, kiss her, and massage her, she won't prevent things from going further, but she lacks anything close to her prior enthusiasm. When we do make love, I am sometimes able to bring her to climax, although it's much more difficult than it was before. I should note that vaginal dryness was an issue early on, but that seemed to address itself about the same time that her menstrual cycle returned.
I don't miss the sex so much. It was never really about that. What I miss most is feeling desired. Turning her on was the biggest turn on for me. (Pity sex is a huge turnoff. I hate feeling "tolerated".) In my prior relationships, sex felt like somewhat of a struggle. With her, for perhaps the first time in my life, I felt accepted, <I>seen</I>, and truly <I>wanted</I>. It was the best high I've ever had, and I miss it terribly. The fact that she is the most respected and admired person in my life makes it all the more bittersweet. I don't want to pressure her, but I feel so unwanted. Based on my limited understanding, I've run out of "clinical" reasons for why it "should" be this way. I know that's probably a harmful way to think about things.
I feel like my wife and I communicate well, but she is a relatively private person when it comes to emotions. I want to continue our dialog, but the last thing I want her to feel is pressure from me. (I think she puts too much of that on herself already.)
Most of what I've read on other forums and websites doesn't seem very helpful. They mostly talk about hormonal changes from breastfeeding, exhaustion for caring for our child, or they ambiguously allude to some psychological x-factor without providing concrete examples or advice. Exhaustion may still be somewhat of a factor, so I don't want to rule it out, but things are vastly improved over when my son was born.
Have other mothers out there experienced similar, extremely prolonged degradation of libido? Did it return? If so, what worked for you? What changed, if anything? How was it different than before childbirth? What helps you remain intimate and close with the father of your child? What do you do, what does he do, what do you do together that you find helpful?
Any guidance is very much appreciated.
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