Speaking to other parents about their behaviour...

[cybele]

Something that was being discussed on the radio this morning that I found very interesting.



Do you think it is your place to speak to a parent they witness doing something you deem inappropriate, and where do you draw the line?

Has someone ever made a comment to you and been completely off the mark?

Are you okay with speaking to a stranger's child if they are acting inappropriately?





I found the stories people were ringing in with very interesting.

I have to admit, if I saw an instance of abuse, be it physical or verbal, I don't know how I would react, because I haven't witnessed that out in public before, but I feel like I would be torn, part of me would want to do something for the sake of the child, but the other part of me would want to not say anything, in fear of making things worse for the child behind closed doors, especially if the adult in the situation is clearly acting out of anger, but that achieves nothing, so I just don't know.

Telling off other kids, I have to admit, I have done it at work, sometimes I get dirty looks or snappy comments from the parents, other time I get an apology or a thank you. Usually the circumstance is that parent/s are looking at things (florist) and the kids wander around and start grabbing at things, dropping things, basically ruining the very delicate things we are supposed to be selling, so we end up losing money, so I feel that I am justified in commenting to them directly. One of my co-workers always goes and tells the parents, but usually by the time that is done, and the parent shuffles over to the child to tell them to stop, the child has already pulled the heads off several arrangements that now need to be disposed of. I have never told off kids at the park or whatever, I usually instruct my kids to just avoid them if they are acting inappropriately.

 

[cybele]

I just realised I had forgotten to answer one of the questions, oops.


In regards to "Has someone ever made a comment to you and been completely off the mark?" I found this really interesting and noticed that most people calling in with stories had these kinds of stories, where the parent wasn't actually doing anything harmful, but someone misinterpreted the situation and ended up making it worse.

I have a story along those lines too.

A few years back during the summer holidays we all went down to the beach for a week. The day we drove home it was stinking hot (in the early 40's, which, I believe is around the 105+ mark in fahrenheit) the kids were narky, they didn't want to go home, they wanted to play in the water, they wanted to go to the pizza place on the beach again, they wanted to go to the cool mini golf place again, and so on. Everyone was a little off.

When we stopped to get fuel I took the kids into the servo to get some ice cream, Lux is allergic to peanuts. Not anaphylactic, she doesn't stop breathing, however she does get hives up her arms legs and on her belly, her lips swell and she vomits. She was 4 at the time, so didn't have the best grasp of nut free foods, and for some reason, on this particular day, instead of picking one of the many ice creams she can have and are aimed at children with the bright cartoon packaging that you would think would appeal to a 4yr old, she picked a drumstick. Don't know if you guys have them, but they are basically a pre-wrapped cone, ice cream, chocolate sauce, covered in chopped peanuts. So obviously I said "Sorry sweetie, those have peanuts in them, remember what peanuts do? Gotta pick something else, look they have bla bla bla bla bla"

Didn't work, tears, stomping, crying, the works, I have to admit, I was also hot and bothered, so didn't deal with it in the best manner, not to mention that I had three other kids who were hovering around with ice creams waiting and getting impatient, and I pulled the whole "Well, we're going to get these, pick something else now or you get nothing" and a woman, who I doubt heard my little mention of the peanuts decided to walk up to me and say, "Take it as someone with older kids, this is not the right battle to pick, just let her have it, it's not going to harm her" and Lux was over the moon because this nice lady was siding with her, so I snapped "She's allergic, it WILL harm her" which gave her the point, but it made the situation 10x worse because now Lux was screaming "THE LADY SAID I CAN HAVE IT!"

And then I gave up and went to pay for the other ones and Lux freaked out that she wasn't going to get anything and grabbed something else and ran up to the counter, so problem solved, however I heard the whole way home about how the lady said she could have the one she wanted.



Based off that experience, I don't think I could ever interfere or offer unwarranted "advice" no matter how helpful I think it may be, because I don't know the situation, just as this woman clearly didn't.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Confrontation is not one of my strong suits! I pretty much avoid it at all costs. I am reluctant to say anything to anyone unless they are on my turf so to speak. I own a high end jewelry store and have had times where I have had to say something to children and/or their parents, and sometimes just grown people acting poorly. Usually when I say something to the kids it's for their own safety. We have a lot of glass showcases in the store. They will break if they are beat on. Heavy vases, sensitive electronics, etc. Usually the parents take it in stride, sometimes they don't. I've also had to ask adults to leave the store for being drunk, extremely rude, etc. I am usually able to make people leave with 'the look', but if I am concerned something is going to be broken, I speak up.

There was one time when a woman was outside my store whaling on her toddler for running off. I opened my door and gave her the look of death and let the door close. Stood there. And she opened the door up and yelled at me. I saw the whole thing. She was not paying attention to her toddler and the went into the shop next door and left him running around. He took off (like any 2 year old would do) and ran through the complex before she caught him. She needed to be brought back to reality. She was by my look. She put the kid in the stroller and left. I knew that by the time she pushed him somewhere 'private' that she was going to have cooled out and that kid was not going to be in any more trouble from my actions. My blood was BOILING from watching all of that! I couldn't even open my mouth to her for fear of what would come out of it. That kid is going to have a tough time of it. His mom was struggling with him and his twin sister for a good half an hour before this all happened. She didn't seem to have any patience.

 

[akmom]

I don't really encounter those kinds of situations. I am used to parents being pretty vigilant about their children's behavior, so to say anything would be redundant. Sometimes I give a smile of encouragement if they're dealing with a screaming baby, but that's usually the only "input" I have.

Occasionally there is a "hitter" at the playground, who is just bent on hurting people. I just guide my children away from the hitter. If he's persistent, I physically block him from my child. No one is going to be offended that I'm shielding my own kid.

I can only remember one time that I scolded another child. I was breastfeeding a newborn on a park bench while my children played. A little boy kept throwing sand in the air. His mother kept telling him to stop, but he didn't. She must have stood there chanting "Don't" twenty times, but he just ignored her. I got tired of getting sand in my eyes, and not wanting to haul a feeding baby and two kids to the other side of the playground, I just said, "Knock it off." He did.

The mother got upset and told me that *she* could deal with her own son, to which I said, "Well he doesn't listen to you, and I'm tired of getting sand in my eyes, so I just did it for you." She stormed off to the other side of the playground with him, which was fine by me. I'd never just stand there while my child was throwing sand at someone - let alone a baby. Ridiculous, IMO.

 

[bssage]

I would have to be pretty convinced that the parent was out of line to speak up. But if I was convinced then I would say or do something.

That said I happen to be on the receiving end of this from time to time. When Chloe flops down at the entry of Walmart and melts which happens more and more infrequently. The scene: I understand looks bad from a parenting perspective. She will go limp/rigid/limp/rigid ect screaming. And well: its a struggle to get control. She is getting to be a big girl and is difficult to maneuver in these situations. I can see how a person who walked into this scene may misinterpret what is going on. And think we are being rough or manhandling her. When I get the looks or am spoken to my first instinct is to lash back with a smart @ss remark. But over the years I have become accustomed to it. And understand most are really: well meaning: just misinformed about the situation.

We will also get the "looks" when she does goofy non-age appropriated things ect. Really if they could get outside of their head for a second. They could tell from looking she is special needs. Its pretty obvious even to a casual observer. And that does tend to torque me a bit. I tire of explaining the "why's".

In general I am pretty open minded. And tend to give easily the benefit of the doubt. I have considerable empathy for the lone caregiver trying to wrangle multiple kids in public. Or even the frazzled parent trying to get through the line. And if I see an opportunity to help without being offensive I typically jump at the chance.

 

[singledad]

I think anyone on the board knows by now that this is one of my pet-issues. I believe that every adult has the obligation to look out for every child he/she comes into contact with. That includes stepping in when you see a child being abused.

However, when you say

I feel like I would be torn, part of me would want to do something for the sake of the child, but the other part of me would want to not say anything, in fear of making things worse for the child behind closed doors, especially if the adult in the situation is clearly acting out of anger, but that achieves nothing, so I just don't know.

You make a good point. If it is a stranger in a store, how much could saying something really achieve? Not much. In fact, even if you know someone personally and you are 100% sure that he/she is abusing their child, speaking to them won't help the child. It's not as if an abusive parent, when confronted, will suddenly so, "oh ok, sorry, I'll quit abusing my child".

I did once get into a sort of confrontation with a parent. The parent was screaming at a small child in a VERY verbally abusive manner. I couldn't help myself. I stopped and started at her in shock. She noticed me looking, and turned her anger on me, asking me in a very agressive manner what I was looking at and what my problem was. I simply told her that I was shocked that anyone could speak to any human being like that, let alone a small child. She just turned her back on me and walked away with her child, but she didn't resume the screaming. Perhaps I did accomplish something? I don't know. It would be nice to think that she never verbally abused her child again, but realistically I know she probably did it again the next day

I don't think I would never comment on something like the food a parent buys her kids, or what she chooses to be strict about or not, unless, of course, it is grossly inappropriate/illegal like buying a 10-year old an alcoholic drink. Haven't seen a situation like that, though, and I doubt I ever will.

I try not to tell of off other people's kids. I would be more likely to approach the parent. One thing that pisses me off is people who bring their kid to work, and then allow them to run up and down the corridors, kicking up a racket. I don't mind kinds in the office (I am sometimes forced to take my DD), but it's a place where people have to concentrate. It's not the appropriate place for a noisy game of indoor cricket . I wouldn't approach the kids, though. They are simply having fun, and wouldn't understand that it is wrong if their parent allows it. I would approach the parent(s), and tell them to please get theid kids to shut up, or send them outside, since I'm trying to work. I will only tell the kids off if the parent doesn't seem inclined to help me, and then only if what the kid is doing is directly affecting me. I have no right to force my values onto anyone else.

 

[Mom2all]

If there is abuse.. yes you should step in. BY abuse, I mean blatant abuse. Not just speaking to the parent, but in calling the police. They have to initiate a report to DSS and then maybe something will be done. In my experience, if its just an overwhelmed parent, try helping them to fix the situation. Like, in the ice cream story, if I had of felt like trying to help you in you obviously stressed out situation, I might would have started looking at the ice creams my self and said out loud which ones I thought were wonderful and better than all others ice creams.. (the one Mom was holding) or told your daughter in a friendly old lady way how lucky she was you were getting her an ice cream. A lot of times, children react differently when someone else is watching them. Sometimes, intervening is just a matter of distracting a situation you see headed out of control and thats enough.

In my personal life, only a few times has anyone other than family offered opinions. One I told to piss off. The other was my son's principal. Whom I offered the opportunity to take my "disobedient child" under her wing to correct. 2 weeks later she apologized and returned him to his classroom saying he was the most well mannered child, but had a hard time sitting still. Turns out her guess of bad parenting was wrong. Wonder why I didn't ask for that in writing?

 

[ikon99]

I would speak up in any situation in which a child was in danger, I think any person would. But to speak up when a parent is trying to reason with their child is something I do not do. Let them be the parent.
Now... If that parent is yelling and screaming like a child, then I would say something. In public, we have a reasonable expectation of piece and quiet. A berserk parent is a nusance and If I say somethig, then maybe that adult will curb the yelling. JMHO

 

[TabascoNatalie]

About shouting and "verbal abuse"... It is easy to judge when you are a stranger. But some people just naturally are loud. And there are people who have pretty bad manners (swearing). However, that does not necessarily mean abuse. I have a friend like that... She uses a lot of F words in her language, and she is very loud. It may seem odd and quite unpleasant if you're not used to this kind of manners, but she is a really nice person and a very good mother.

 

[cybele]

About shouting and "verbal abuse"... It is easy to judge when you are a stranger. But some people just naturally are loud. And there are people who have pretty bad manners (swearing). However, that does not necessarily mean abuse. I have a friend like that... She uses a lot of F words in her language, and she is very loud. It may seem odd and quite unpleasant if you're not used to this kind of manners, but she is a really nice person and a very good mother.

I agree with this too.

Some families are insanely loud, but some are very quiet, and it would be easy to identify something you are not familiar with, with something wrong, when in reality there is absolutely nothing wrong.




Anyway, I bumped up to share what happened today. Was so confused at the time, but had a laugh afterwards.

Was at the playground with Sash, he was running around, doing his thing, made a friend, they were running around, I told Sash multiple times to stay on the playground and not run where the big kids were kicking the football. (Meanwhile, the boy Sasha was playing with's mother was hovering over them) What happened? Sash ran in the middle of the footy game AGAIN and got a ball to the head.

The mother rushed over to me with Sash telling me what happened and how awful those older boys kicking the ball were, and so on. From my view, Sash did that to himself, he wasn't hurt, just stunned, so all I really had to say to him was "Well, that's what happens when you stand in the middle of a footy game. You only have yourself to blame for that one" Sash went off on his merry way because she was FINE, but the mother who brought him over did scold me for not "checking him for concussion" and went on about "I could never speak to my son like that".

 

[singledad]

About shouting and "verbal abuse"... It is easy to judge when you are a stranger. But some people just naturally are loud. And there are people who have pretty bad manners (swearing). However, that does not necessarily mean abuse. I have a friend like that... She uses a lot of F words in her language, and she is very loud. It may seem odd and quite unpleasant if you're not used to this kind of manners, but she is a really nice person and a very good mother.

There is a difference between loud/swearing and abuse. Being loud and swearing a lot is obnoxious, but not necessarily harmful. Calling someone names, breaking them down (you're so stupid!/I should have known you'd screw up, you always do!) etc, etc, is never ok. I don't care if that's "the way your family are". That's a bad excuse for being mean.