Hello everyone! I have a minor issue, and I'd like to ask for unbiased feedback. Thank you in advance : )
My husband and I are newlyweds, and we've both been married once before.
I have one daughter (16) from my former marriage, and my husband has one daughter (7) and one son (8) from his former marriage. My daughter lives with us, and his children live 2 hours and 20 minutes away with their mother.
We stagger weekends with our children, ie, on weekends my daughter is with her father, my husband and I drive 2 hours and 20 minutes (one way) to visit his children. We do this almost every other weekend, and sometimes more when the kids are out of school for the summer. It's a 4 hour and 40 minute round trip, and my husband loves when I join him. (Occasionally we get a hotel room in their town, and the children stay with us there overnight making it a whole weekend visit, but that is pretty rare.)
We go straight to the children's home where they live with their mother and her fiance, and we go into their home. When the weather is nice, we take the children to Burger King, the park, the movies, the lake, etc, and most of our day is spent doing activities together around town. (They live in their mother's hometown surrounded by family, but the town is very small, and when the weather is bad, it can be difficult (not to mention expensive) finding ways to spend the whole day doing things, especially in the time of covid.
Sometimes, we spend part or most of the day at the children's home with their mother there. We have spent up to 8 hours there before, with my husband getting food for the children, their mother and me, and us all sitting down to eat together. A couple of weeks ago, I sat at the table helping my stepdaughter build a Lego set while my husband, his ex-wife, and their son played a board game together for almost an hour. We never have any plan to do this, but when we run out of things to do, or the children get cranky, we take them back to their house and hang out there with their mother. It's so uncomfortable for me, not because I'm jealous or because I think there's anything remaining between my husband and his ex, but just because it feels weird and icky and I feel like an awkward outsider just sitting there.
If we all end up back at the house, the mother's fiance usually leaves the house. I suspect but don't know for sure that he feels uncomfortable, too, so he leaves the house to kill time doing something else.
I've told my husband several times that I feel uncomfortable being in this position, but he says he doesn't understand why since I've nothing to be jealous about.
He says that it's for the children to have some sense of normalcy, and I told him I understand that and I'm all for it. I've suggested we stay for a limited period of time, or even invite his ex-wife and her fiance to meet us at a restaurant for a meal together, but it doesn't happen that way. If I felt we stayed too long, I usually bring it up lovingly on the ride home. He listens but doesn't have much of a response. Sometimes, he stops talking altogether when I bring it up, and we ride back in silence for two hours. I believe he just totally disagrees with me and is holding his tongue so that he doesn't say something terribly rude. I suppose silence is preferable.
Am I in the wrong here? What can I do differently? It feels like my husband at his his ex-wife's and children's home and doesn't want to leave! We stay past dark knowing full well we have over a two hour drive home! My husband walks into the room where his ex-wife is and starts talking to her about things unrelated to the children. When this happens, I'll walk into the room where they're talking and place myself beside him. Last time we were there, I walked into the kitchen, and he was bagging up trash to take out for her while they chatted happily about a house they used to live in, etc. The children were outside playing and had been for awhile! I felt like a creep listening to them and trying to play referee, but I was furious! This has happened before at soccer games where we'll all 3 be standing there, and he'll turn his back to me and face her and start talking about something. Feeling disrespected, I've physically imposed myself into the space before so as not to be left out. I just feel like he forgets I'm there sometimes!
I've tried to set boundaries about this. My husband has commented before that it seems like I'm okay with being at their house up to an arbitrary length of time which I make up in my mind, after which time I get pissed. My response was that no woman wants to spend her entire day at her husband's ex-wife's house like that. I'm not jealous, really. If they want to catch up, they can do it over the phone or by text. He says he really wants me there and doesn't want to visit the children alone, but he refuses (or more likely conveniently 'forgets') to honor my wishes about limiting time at the home the next time we're in that situation.
I've even suggested that if he wants to hang out with his children at their home, I'll take our truck and go to the bookstore or gym (my gym has a branch in their city) or go somewhere and watch sports, etc. until he's ready to leave. I pointed out that the fiance leaves because he doesn't want to be around for that, and neither do I, but I'm not on my home turf, so I'll have to find alternate places to go.
The children rarely come to our home, but last weekend, we picked them up on Saturday and dropped them off on Sunday. Each party drove halfway, which was nice for a change. When we were almost there, my husband's ex-wife called to let us know they were at a Mexican restaurant eating. I walked inside the restaurant because I had to use the bathroom, and when I came out, my husband was sitting down at the table with them talking. There wasn't enough room at the table for 4 adults and 2 children, and they were halfway through their meal, but the children said they wanted to eat. The mother's fiance went up to the counter to order food for the children, and I sat down by myself at a nearby booth.
My husband talked to his ex-wife for a few minutes, then came over to me and asked what I wanted to eat. I replied that I didn't know we were eating with them, and pointed out that there wasn't enough room at the booth for all of us. He said his children really wanted him to stay and eat and that I could sit at the booth next to where they were eating. I said I wasn't hungry and that I would go over to the mall next door and shop around while they ate. His response was "don't start this bullshit again." I was absolutely floored! No, I don't want to eat by myself at a booth while they spend time together as a family! No, I don't want to hang out all day and waste my Saturday at her house! Yes, I absolutely adore my husband and his children and our time together. NO, I do not want to share my family time with his ex-wife!
I know he wants to spend as much time with his children and give them normalcy, especially since they are in a different town (I suspect a lot of this is out of guilt) but I feel like I'm being disrespected in the process even though that is not his intention.
How do I get through about this? Or do I just stop going with him? Any thoughts are welcome! I drew my line in the sand by insisting we leave the restaurant without eating, and I could tell he was sad about it and so were the children. I felt awful, but if I hadn't already spent more time with my husband's ex-wife in the past year than I had my own parents, I probably would have gone along with it...or if he'd just let me go ahead and go shopping while we ate instead of making it a big deal. He could've just said I wasn't hungry and wanted to look at the store next door!
My husband and I are newlyweds, and we've both been married once before.
I have one daughter (16) from my former marriage, and my husband has one daughter (7) and one son (8) from his former marriage. My daughter lives with us, and his children live 2 hours and 20 minutes away with their mother.
We stagger weekends with our children, ie, on weekends my daughter is with her father, my husband and I drive 2 hours and 20 minutes (one way) to visit his children. We do this almost every other weekend, and sometimes more when the kids are out of school for the summer. It's a 4 hour and 40 minute round trip, and my husband loves when I join him. (Occasionally we get a hotel room in their town, and the children stay with us there overnight making it a whole weekend visit, but that is pretty rare.)
We go straight to the children's home where they live with their mother and her fiance, and we go into their home. When the weather is nice, we take the children to Burger King, the park, the movies, the lake, etc, and most of our day is spent doing activities together around town. (They live in their mother's hometown surrounded by family, but the town is very small, and when the weather is bad, it can be difficult (not to mention expensive) finding ways to spend the whole day doing things, especially in the time of covid.
Sometimes, we spend part or most of the day at the children's home with their mother there. We have spent up to 8 hours there before, with my husband getting food for the children, their mother and me, and us all sitting down to eat together. A couple of weeks ago, I sat at the table helping my stepdaughter build a Lego set while my husband, his ex-wife, and their son played a board game together for almost an hour. We never have any plan to do this, but when we run out of things to do, or the children get cranky, we take them back to their house and hang out there with their mother. It's so uncomfortable for me, not because I'm jealous or because I think there's anything remaining between my husband and his ex, but just because it feels weird and icky and I feel like an awkward outsider just sitting there.
If we all end up back at the house, the mother's fiance usually leaves the house. I suspect but don't know for sure that he feels uncomfortable, too, so he leaves the house to kill time doing something else.
I've told my husband several times that I feel uncomfortable being in this position, but he says he doesn't understand why since I've nothing to be jealous about.
He says that it's for the children to have some sense of normalcy, and I told him I understand that and I'm all for it. I've suggested we stay for a limited period of time, or even invite his ex-wife and her fiance to meet us at a restaurant for a meal together, but it doesn't happen that way. If I felt we stayed too long, I usually bring it up lovingly on the ride home. He listens but doesn't have much of a response. Sometimes, he stops talking altogether when I bring it up, and we ride back in silence for two hours. I believe he just totally disagrees with me and is holding his tongue so that he doesn't say something terribly rude. I suppose silence is preferable.
Am I in the wrong here? What can I do differently? It feels like my husband at his his ex-wife's and children's home and doesn't want to leave! We stay past dark knowing full well we have over a two hour drive home! My husband walks into the room where his ex-wife is and starts talking to her about things unrelated to the children. When this happens, I'll walk into the room where they're talking and place myself beside him. Last time we were there, I walked into the kitchen, and he was bagging up trash to take out for her while they chatted happily about a house they used to live in, etc. The children were outside playing and had been for awhile! I felt like a creep listening to them and trying to play referee, but I was furious! This has happened before at soccer games where we'll all 3 be standing there, and he'll turn his back to me and face her and start talking about something. Feeling disrespected, I've physically imposed myself into the space before so as not to be left out. I just feel like he forgets I'm there sometimes!
I've tried to set boundaries about this. My husband has commented before that it seems like I'm okay with being at their house up to an arbitrary length of time which I make up in my mind, after which time I get pissed. My response was that no woman wants to spend her entire day at her husband's ex-wife's house like that. I'm not jealous, really. If they want to catch up, they can do it over the phone or by text. He says he really wants me there and doesn't want to visit the children alone, but he refuses (or more likely conveniently 'forgets') to honor my wishes about limiting time at the home the next time we're in that situation.
I've even suggested that if he wants to hang out with his children at their home, I'll take our truck and go to the bookstore or gym (my gym has a branch in their city) or go somewhere and watch sports, etc. until he's ready to leave. I pointed out that the fiance leaves because he doesn't want to be around for that, and neither do I, but I'm not on my home turf, so I'll have to find alternate places to go.
The children rarely come to our home, but last weekend, we picked them up on Saturday and dropped them off on Sunday. Each party drove halfway, which was nice for a change. When we were almost there, my husband's ex-wife called to let us know they were at a Mexican restaurant eating. I walked inside the restaurant because I had to use the bathroom, and when I came out, my husband was sitting down at the table with them talking. There wasn't enough room at the table for 4 adults and 2 children, and they were halfway through their meal, but the children said they wanted to eat. The mother's fiance went up to the counter to order food for the children, and I sat down by myself at a nearby booth.
My husband talked to his ex-wife for a few minutes, then came over to me and asked what I wanted to eat. I replied that I didn't know we were eating with them, and pointed out that there wasn't enough room at the booth for all of us. He said his children really wanted him to stay and eat and that I could sit at the booth next to where they were eating. I said I wasn't hungry and that I would go over to the mall next door and shop around while they ate. His response was "don't start this bullshit again." I was absolutely floored! No, I don't want to eat by myself at a booth while they spend time together as a family! No, I don't want to hang out all day and waste my Saturday at her house! Yes, I absolutely adore my husband and his children and our time together. NO, I do not want to share my family time with his ex-wife!
I know he wants to spend as much time with his children and give them normalcy, especially since they are in a different town (I suspect a lot of this is out of guilt) but I feel like I'm being disrespected in the process even though that is not his intention.
How do I get through about this? Or do I just stop going with him? Any thoughts are welcome! I drew my line in the sand by insisting we leave the restaurant without eating, and I could tell he was sad about it and so were the children. I felt awful, but if I hadn't already spent more time with my husband's ex-wife in the past year than I had my own parents, I probably would have gone along with it...or if he'd just let me go ahead and go shopping while we ate instead of making it a big deal. He could've just said I wasn't hungry and wanted to look at the store next door!