I am the stepfather to two boys, 12 and 10. The 10 year old has ADHD and is bouncing around 24/7. The custody is split (by weeks) and the boys seem to live different lives at each. At their dads, they are independent. At mom's it's a maid service. The 10 year old is especially needy, and is now becoming extremely rude. When he treats his mom like dirt, I can't help but yelling or sending him to his room. But it seems to be the case more and more often now. I have asked him if he cares how he is making his mom feel, cry, etc but it doesn't matter. He can't control his emotions, temper, etc. It's causing me to feel too strict and causing problems between my wife and I. I just want him to respect her and learn to respect women/adults. She is a great mom that tries to do everything possible for them. She coddles them too much, but that's not this problem (or maybe it is). Does anyone have advice? Thanks
Stepfather advice...
- Thread starter joe
- Start date
Maybe it's because of age and he's going to be alright with the time passage or it because of something that's making him grumpy, But both can be Okay with the time passage and there's only one thing that you can do is, only treat him as much as you can with your love.
I have previous Law Enforcement experience and have dealt with hundreds of kids in all sorts of households. I have a 12 year old step son under my roof at this very moment and let me tell you the common denominator in mostly all the households... boys at around 10 yrs of age begin to test the adults around them. Its a transition from a child to a young boy. Then it will be from a young boy to a young adult.
My 12 yr old is smaller than most. In our household, he always has to look up when communicating to people. He has to let the adults finish talking before he is able to talk. He dare not interrupt. He can only eat what his mother prepares (my rule), and he cannot speak until he finishes his first serving. After that, he can speak all he wants. He had been dressed by his mother up to this year. Point is, the worse thing you can possibly do to a child making a transition towards adolecence or adulthood is deny them thier individuality. Especially with boys. Boys are more prone to challenge thier parents because the size they acquire these days. One of our societies biggest mistakes has been to think that we as humans, that we are immune to the laws of nature and evolution. We teach our kids to be nice, considerate, and respectful. We have forgotten that natural selection, millions of years of human evolution, still plays a HUGE role in how are children instinctively behave. We have to override some of those instincts as parents.
Beginning around the age of 10, I have learned that boys start to test the enviroments they are in. If they have different enviroments, they learn to how to adapt and how to prosper depending on where they are placed. It sounds like your stepson is doing very well in having learned his limits are smaller in his other enviroment compared to when he is around his mother. He has learned that his mother is still deep in her nurturing stage and he will feed on that as much as he is allowed. Strong survival instincts on his part. As parents, you and your wife need to tighten up a bit. You both are being tested and parents need to send a clear message to thier children. If you do not, I promise you that you will continue to be tested and as he gets older (and bigger) he will start to test other authority figures in his life such as his extended family, his teachers, other adults, and quite possibly uniformed services. If you dont control him at 10 years of age, you both will have certainly lost the opportunity once he becomes a teenager.
We only have one chance at the childs life, and in the world we live in now... we dont have room to spare or time to waste. Make sure you both sit down and make that 10 year old understand completely that he is the child and you are the parent. This is also teaching the child parenting skills as he will need to teach his kids the same way when he has children of his own.
Sent from above...
My 12 yr old is smaller than most. In our household, he always has to look up when communicating to people. He has to let the adults finish talking before he is able to talk. He dare not interrupt. He can only eat what his mother prepares (my rule), and he cannot speak until he finishes his first serving. After that, he can speak all he wants. He had been dressed by his mother up to this year. Point is, the worse thing you can possibly do to a child making a transition towards adolecence or adulthood is deny them thier individuality. Especially with boys. Boys are more prone to challenge thier parents because the size they acquire these days. One of our societies biggest mistakes has been to think that we as humans, that we are immune to the laws of nature and evolution. We teach our kids to be nice, considerate, and respectful. We have forgotten that natural selection, millions of years of human evolution, still plays a HUGE role in how are children instinctively behave. We have to override some of those instincts as parents.
Beginning around the age of 10, I have learned that boys start to test the enviroments they are in. If they have different enviroments, they learn to how to adapt and how to prosper depending on where they are placed. It sounds like your stepson is doing very well in having learned his limits are smaller in his other enviroment compared to when he is around his mother. He has learned that his mother is still deep in her nurturing stage and he will feed on that as much as he is allowed. Strong survival instincts on his part. As parents, you and your wife need to tighten up a bit. You both are being tested and parents need to send a clear message to thier children. If you do not, I promise you that you will continue to be tested and as he gets older (and bigger) he will start to test other authority figures in his life such as his extended family, his teachers, other adults, and quite possibly uniformed services. If you dont control him at 10 years of age, you both will have certainly lost the opportunity once he becomes a teenager.
We only have one chance at the childs life, and in the world we live in now... we dont have room to spare or time to waste. Make sure you both sit down and make that 10 year old understand completely that he is the child and you are the parent. This is also teaching the child parenting skills as he will need to teach his kids the same way when he has children of his own.
Sent from above...
I have no idea what you mean by: "independent" or "maid service" but, IMO, when kids are rude there is a serious fault in how they are or were being socialized - in other words, the kid is a victim faulty parenting! Maybe some mysterious "disorder" is at work there but I'd still call it inadequate parenting.joe said:
Have you sat with him and asked him, as a caring, friendly, TRUSTED step-parent, why he is rude and getting worse? This is a very special and delicate process which most parents are not qualified to conduct but, if you can gain his trust and RESPECT, he may EVENTUALLY tell you why he is angry and rude (abusive). You may not like what he tells you or accept it, especially if he says he hates you, his mom or the way things are in your home but at least you will have something to work with if you decide to HELP him rather than simply punish him for your own satisfaction. His behavior is SCREAMING = PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!
I'd say that is part of the problem and might be the tip of the <I>"INADEQUATE PARENTING"</I> iceberg.
I'd start by examining how he was and still is being parented/raised and then, once you understand what is driving his unhappy behavior, you can figure out how to HELP him behave better.