Completely 100% agree.
A MAN doesn't do what he's doing. He's not going to get respect from her if he doesn't give respect.
A MAN doesn't do what he's doing. He's not going to get respect from her if he doesn't give respect.
Stepfather Physically Disciplines my 16 Yr. Old Daughter...
- Thread starter cgmom
- Start date
<r><QUOTE author="cgmom;108432"><s>
That is utterly rediculous, and I'm glad you told him where to get off. Sounds like the person who needs to be respected more is you!<br/>
<QUOTE author="cgmom;108432"><s>
Don't let the slow-going get you down... you can't expect to build trust in a day, or a week. The fact that you are seeing signs of progress shows that you are on the right track. Be patient, keep at it. <br/>
<QUOTE author="cgmom;108435"><s>
But you never said that private school was the "cause" of her rebellion, did you? Merely that the way she is treated there will only make it worse... She is not a todler who needs to be taught about consequences anymore. She is an unhappy young woman who isn't yet mature enough to properly express or handle what is bothering her, and needs help. <br/>
<QUOTE author="cgmom;108435"><s>
What kind of sexist bullsh!t is that? Boy will be boys and that's perfectly ok, but you daughter isn't allowed to be a typical teenager girl, even in her own home? I'm sorry, but a step-bother who either hits on, or allows his friends to hit on his young step-sister is out of line, and needs to be taught a hard lesson on how to treat women with respect. And that includes you - listening to you to avoid confrontation and then ignoring you is not respect - that is patronising you. (Oh, here she goes again, now I'll have to pretend to listen again... yawn). Obviously he has learnt from his dad that women are supposed to listed to and do what men say, not the other way round...<br/>
<QUOTE author="cgmom;108435"><s>
So he is not prepared to listed to you at all? Has he forgotten that she is YOUR daughter, not HIS? I have to repeat myself... I think the person who deserves more respect is you, not him. <br/>
<br/>
So here's the situation from where I stand...<br/>
<br/>
Your daughter has to share a house with an immature step brother who shows her no respect, a step-father who thinks its ago to hit a woman as long as there is it is someone he can claim authority over, and who treats both her and her mother like little children. She is forced to abide by rediculous rules while her brother gets to do whatever he wants while home all day, at an age where he really should be in college or have a job. And when she tries to assert herself in the only way she can figure out, she gets punished for it, instead of being validated and shown a better way to do it.<br/>
<br/>
Unfortunately I think we are all preaching to the choir here... you are not the one we need to convince - your husband is. But here I am with Amy and Fo7 - He needs to pull his head out of his backside, realise its the 21st century, and start treating both of you with more respect - you deserve it. You are a good mother, who is trying her best to help her daughter, and if he can't respect and support you the way a husband should, he should keep his nose out of your and your daughter's lives. <br/>
<br/>
You need to learn to stand up for yourself, or you will never be able to stand up for your daughter, and right now it sounds like she really needs you to do exactly that.</r>
</e></QUOTE>cgmom said:
That is utterly rediculous, and I'm glad you told him where to get off. Sounds like the person who needs to be respected more is you!<br/>
<QUOTE author="cgmom;108432"><s>
</e></QUOTE>cgmom said:
Don't let the slow-going get you down... you can't expect to build trust in a day, or a week. The fact that you are seeing signs of progress shows that you are on the right track. Be patient, keep at it. <br/>
<QUOTE author="cgmom;108435"><s>
</e></QUOTE>cgmom said:
But you never said that private school was the "cause" of her rebellion, did you? Merely that the way she is treated there will only make it worse... She is not a todler who needs to be taught about consequences anymore. She is an unhappy young woman who isn't yet mature enough to properly express or handle what is bothering her, and needs help. <br/>
<QUOTE author="cgmom;108435"><s>
</e></QUOTE>cgmom said:
What kind of sexist bullsh!t is that? Boy will be boys and that's perfectly ok, but you daughter isn't allowed to be a typical teenager girl, even in her own home? I'm sorry, but a step-bother who either hits on, or allows his friends to hit on his young step-sister is out of line, and needs to be taught a hard lesson on how to treat women with respect. And that includes you - listening to you to avoid confrontation and then ignoring you is not respect - that is patronising you. (Oh, here she goes again, now I'll have to pretend to listen again... yawn). Obviously he has learnt from his dad that women are supposed to listed to and do what men say, not the other way round...<br/>
<QUOTE author="cgmom;108435"><s>
</e></QUOTE>cgmom said:
So he is not prepared to listed to you at all? Has he forgotten that she is YOUR daughter, not HIS? I have to repeat myself... I think the person who deserves more respect is you, not him. <br/>
<br/>
So here's the situation from where I stand...<br/>
<br/>
Your daughter has to share a house with an immature step brother who shows her no respect, a step-father who thinks its ago to hit a woman as long as there is it is someone he can claim authority over, and who treats both her and her mother like little children. She is forced to abide by rediculous rules while her brother gets to do whatever he wants while home all day, at an age where he really should be in college or have a job. And when she tries to assert herself in the only way she can figure out, she gets punished for it, instead of being validated and shown a better way to do it.<br/>
<br/>
Unfortunately I think we are all preaching to the choir here... you are not the one we need to convince - your husband is. But here I am with Amy and Fo7 - He needs to pull his head out of his backside, realise its the 21st century, and start treating both of you with more respect - you deserve it. You are a good mother, who is trying her best to help her daughter, and if he can't respect and support you the way a husband should, he should keep his nose out of your and your daughter's lives. <br/>
<br/>
You need to learn to stand up for yourself, or you will never be able to stand up for your daughter, and right now it sounds like she really needs you to do exactly that.</r>
I just have to ask . . .
apart from the conflict over your daughter, what is your relationship with your husband like? Because I think many of us are getting a sense that there is something of an unhealthy balance of power there. Forget your daughter for a minute. Are YOU happy??
apart from the conflict over your daughter, what is your relationship with your husband like? Because I think many of us are getting a sense that there is something of an unhealthy balance of power there. Forget your daughter for a minute. Are YOU happy??
<t>Sbattisti - aside from this situation with my daughter, I was happy with the other aspects of my marriage. I know it’s going be difficult for some people to understand, but I “generally” am more comfortable with my spouse taking the lead within our household. Things were generally good most of the time because we agreed on how to handle things. This situation is different, and it’s my fault that I let my relationship with him become so lopsided over the years. He’s always been sort of like a father-figure to me, and I became very used to that. But like I was telling someone privately, it’s gotten to the point where in some ways he treats me more like an older sister to my daughter, as opposed to her mother. <br/>
<br/>
And Singledad is right about my household being male-dominated. My husband lets his son do whatever he wants, yet he is the exact opposite with my daughter – and me to some extent. Even when the kids are home alone, my stepson is the one in charge, and my daughter is expected to listen to him. And he is expected to make sure she stays out of trouble – which to me is ridiculous because she’d be less likely to get in any trouble if she were left alone and my stepson and his friends were not in the house. <br/>
<br/>
I hear what everyone is saying and I need to find my voice, as well as some backbone.</t>
<br/>
And Singledad is right about my household being male-dominated. My husband lets his son do whatever he wants, yet he is the exact opposite with my daughter – and me to some extent. Even when the kids are home alone, my stepson is the one in charge, and my daughter is expected to listen to him. And he is expected to make sure she stays out of trouble – which to me is ridiculous because she’d be less likely to get in any trouble if she were left alone and my stepson and his friends were not in the house. <br/>
<br/>
I hear what everyone is saying and I need to find my voice, as well as some backbone.</t>
<r><QUOTE author="cgmom;108464"><s>
Hi there,<br/>
<br/>
Just wanted to add my meager two cents to this conversation. Obviously you know that your daughter is a young woman on the verge of adulthood, and as others have stated, when she's 18, she can make her own choices. Hopefully, she'll want to have a trusting and nurturing relationship with you and her stepfather, the only male role model she seems to have in her life. <br/>
<br/>
What your husband seems to fail to understand is that your daughter is learning from living in your household how a man is supposed to treat his wife and children. What happens during this time will have a tremendous impact on what kind of man she marries one day in the future. <br/>
<br/>
Unfortunately, your stepson is still watching and learning too, and when he finally moves on and starts a family, he'll probably mimic what he learned at home. <br/>
<br/>
This is why it's so important for you to be the example. If your daughter sees you take an assertive role in running the household, she'll probably be so much better off in the long run. Let her know that flirting with her stepbrother's friends is unacceptable, but at the same time, put your foot down on the other side of the fence. Those guys should know better than to be flirting with a 16 year old girl in her house with her parents present. Your husband should have run all of them off, then he should have put a proverbial foot in your stepson's butt for not stopping the inappropriate behavior. <br/>
<br/>
As for her behavior at school, you should be the one to come down on her. Let her know that as an intelligent young lady, you expect more from her. She couldn't contain herself in public school where her friends were, so now she's not there anymore. However, you should also find a more reasonable environment for her than a religious based, bible school where her individuality seems to be grounds for discipline. <br/>
<br/>
I wish you luck and a lot of prayers with this situation. Teenagers can be stubborn, but the family dynamic doesn't seem to be helping matters, either. <br/>
<br/>
Do take care</r>
</e></QUOTE>cgmom said:
Hi there,<br/>
<br/>
Just wanted to add my meager two cents to this conversation. Obviously you know that your daughter is a young woman on the verge of adulthood, and as others have stated, when she's 18, she can make her own choices. Hopefully, she'll want to have a trusting and nurturing relationship with you and her stepfather, the only male role model she seems to have in her life. <br/>
<br/>
What your husband seems to fail to understand is that your daughter is learning from living in your household how a man is supposed to treat his wife and children. What happens during this time will have a tremendous impact on what kind of man she marries one day in the future. <br/>
<br/>
Unfortunately, your stepson is still watching and learning too, and when he finally moves on and starts a family, he'll probably mimic what he learned at home. <br/>
<br/>
This is why it's so important for you to be the example. If your daughter sees you take an assertive role in running the household, she'll probably be so much better off in the long run. Let her know that flirting with her stepbrother's friends is unacceptable, but at the same time, put your foot down on the other side of the fence. Those guys should know better than to be flirting with a 16 year old girl in her house with her parents present. Your husband should have run all of them off, then he should have put a proverbial foot in your stepson's butt for not stopping the inappropriate behavior. <br/>
<br/>
As for her behavior at school, you should be the one to come down on her. Let her know that as an intelligent young lady, you expect more from her. She couldn't contain herself in public school where her friends were, so now she's not there anymore. However, you should also find a more reasonable environment for her than a religious based, bible school where her individuality seems to be grounds for discipline. <br/>
<br/>
I wish you luck and a lot of prayers with this situation. Teenagers can be stubborn, but the family dynamic doesn't seem to be helping matters, either. <br/>
<br/>
Do take care</r>
You know Cgmom,
I think your coming to a point where you are not liking whats going on anymore and it's like your beginning to step up a little,and inadvertently your upsetting the whole apple cart.
It seems like your husband is working harder to maintain control, and I'm sure he doesn't like that one bit. It must have been nice for him,when your daughter was younger and you just went along with all his decisions, now that she is older you have to answer to her as well.
Your husband wants to keep things the way they were. And that's not possible. It isn't your fault or your daughters fault children grow and change. He simply can not beat her into submission, it won't make her go back to the way things were.
Just keep working on it. You do have the 'POWER'.
I think your coming to a point where you are not liking whats going on anymore and it's like your beginning to step up a little,and inadvertently your upsetting the whole apple cart.
It seems like your husband is working harder to maintain control, and I'm sure he doesn't like that one bit. It must have been nice for him,when your daughter was younger and you just went along with all his decisions, now that she is older you have to answer to her as well.
Your husband wants to keep things the way they were. And that's not possible. It isn't your fault or your daughters fault children grow and change. He simply can not beat her into submission, it won't make her go back to the way things were.
Just keep working on it. You do have the 'POWER'.
I'm a step father with a 16 year old daughter too. My step daughter is also very disrespectful, and has become a bad kid, much to my dismay. I think the school was probably just trying to embarrass her, since spanking her probably wasn't done to hurt her, hoping that the embarrassment would change her ways. Corporal punishment works, but needs to be done sooner than 16. I wouldn't spank my 16 year old, because I'm sure it wouldn't do any good. Whatever form of punishment you chose to use, be sure that you and your husband are on the same page, and back each other up. My wife never supports me when I try to deal with the kid, and now the kid knows she can get away with just about anything. If you don't support your husband when he disciplines her, your marriage will suffer. While spanking may not have been the best way to go, at lease your husband understands that the kid needs discipline to get her life straightened out. It's important that you support him, or, as I have with my wife, he'll lose respect for you.
cgmom, I have been a member of this forum for awhile, but haven't been back in over a year. I read your whole story today, and just wanted to offer you some hugs. Despite the terrible situation you are in, you sound like a loving, wonderful mother 
I have to agree with every word that single dad said. Not going to turn this into a spanking debate, however I'm in Canada, and it's just not really acceptable to spank even your own children, so really it's quite crazy to me to hear that authority figures, and step fathers can spank, let alone, spank a 16 year old! I know you've heard it a million times already, and I'm sorry for that, I'm just kind of wowed.
As for the therapy thing, while I think you ALL could benefit from it, I guess honestly if I was your daughter, the way I would see it is: I get paddled at school by a man, then SPANKED by my step father in front of my step brother and his friends, and they want ME to go to therapy. I know that sounds harsh, but surely that's the way she sees it.
Maybe someone else has mentioned (though I haven't noticed) that your daughter (by your own admission) has never been spanked before and neither were you as a child. While it would be humilitating for a child who is used to cp, imagine how shocking and humiliating it was for your never before hit daughter?
I'm interested that you say you yourself were never corporally punished. I get the feeling you don't agree with spanking at all. Please please, I know it's hard, but be your daughter's advocate... You never hit her, because you know in your heart it's WRONG. (for you) Go with your gut, you know it's not right, I know you do. Best of luck, I know you are an awesome mother, I've read every word you wrote today.... I can feel the love you have for her.
ETA: In this life your daughter will learn that it is NOT ok to hit a woman. It's not even ok to hit another human being, lest you be charged with assault. It's a crime to put your hand on another human being!
How will that translate in her head? She will surely feel like she doesn't matter since people hit her...
I have to agree with every word that single dad said. Not going to turn this into a spanking debate, however I'm in Canada, and it's just not really acceptable to spank even your own children, so really it's quite crazy to me to hear that authority figures, and step fathers can spank, let alone, spank a 16 year old! I know you've heard it a million times already, and I'm sorry for that, I'm just kind of wowed.
As for the therapy thing, while I think you ALL could benefit from it, I guess honestly if I was your daughter, the way I would see it is: I get paddled at school by a man, then SPANKED by my step father in front of my step brother and his friends, and they want ME to go to therapy. I know that sounds harsh, but surely that's the way she sees it.
Maybe someone else has mentioned (though I haven't noticed) that your daughter (by your own admission) has never been spanked before and neither were you as a child. While it would be humilitating for a child who is used to cp, imagine how shocking and humiliating it was for your never before hit daughter?
I'm interested that you say you yourself were never corporally punished. I get the feeling you don't agree with spanking at all. Please please, I know it's hard, but be your daughter's advocate... You never hit her, because you know in your heart it's WRONG. (for you) Go with your gut, you know it's not right, I know you do. Best of luck, I know you are an awesome mother, I've read every word you wrote today.... I can feel the love you have for her.
ETA: In this life your daughter will learn that it is NOT ok to hit a woman. It's not even ok to hit another human being, lest you be charged with assault. It's a crime to put your hand on another human being!
How will that translate in her head? She will surely feel like she doesn't matter since people hit her...
Any school who thinks embarassing a child, or hitting one is a form of discipline is one you need to run screaming away from. I'm sorry but that's my opinion, harsh as it may be.Ultraman said:
I might be wrong, but it sounds like you are subtly telling this mom to mind her husband, or else her relationship will suffer. You say it's important she support him, but he doesn't support her in the least! What's up with that? I also notice you say spanking works, but you say she's a "bad kid" ? Weird.