Hi . Need help , support and advice ....my 19 year old son does not respect me financially . I'm worried about him . He spends his monthly wage within a week then asks me for money ...I'm single and support myself . I provide him with a home and food and lend him money when I can . He has no respect for money and gets very demanding to me if I cannot lend him money .....I feel as if I have to say no to him so he can learn but I struggle with the guilt . He earns his own money but just doesn't make it last . He gives me the guilt trip when I say no and says his life is sh*t...it depresses me ....I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not . Any advice from anyone ?
Struggling with 19 year old son...
- Thread starter Shoesandbags
- Start date
He's 19, he isn't dependent on you. You are basically giving him a fish every time he's hungry instead of telling him to go fishing for himself. You shouldn't feel guilty about that. You're helping him to learn a life long lesson. Anything else is doing him a disservice.
He's 19. No one is living it up at 19. Anyone who thinks they should have money to blow at age 19 is ridiculous, and never will. The only thing you can do when you're 19 is work your butt off, save whatever income you don't absolutely need to survive, and invest it toward an education in something that pays. Unfortunately, the only options a 19-year-old has is whether to work their butt off on a four-year degree, an associate's degree, or a tech school. If that sounds sh**ty to him, then the rest of his life will be too. Because if you skip that step, you get to spend the rest of your life being 19, except you'll get progressively older.
Were you rich and partying at 19? If not, then why waste your money pretending that he can be? You're enabling him to have a s*** life, and that's the worst thing you could ever do to him.
Just tell him no. It's absurd to feel guilty about doing the right thing. This should have happened like 3 years ago.
Were you rich and partying at 19? If not, then why waste your money pretending that he can be? You're enabling him to have a s*** life, and that's the worst thing you could ever do to him.
Just tell him no. It's absurd to feel guilty about doing the right thing. This should have happened like 3 years ago.
As said above, no one has money 19. It would be nice to have money at 19, but you don't, because you don't have the means to make large sums of money.
He needs to learn money management, you giving him money isn't going to teach him that. If he doesn't, then his paycheques will get bigger and his spendings will get bigger along with it.
He needs to learn money management, you giving him money isn't going to teach him that. If he doesn't, then his paycheques will get bigger and his spendings will get bigger along with it.
The biggest problem is not your son's behavior. People that age (he is not a child but an adult after all) often do what works with little thought to whether or not it is the right thing to do. If it works for them, it is the right thing to do (according to their way of thinking). So it is your guilt and your reaction to his behavior that is the problem here.
Sit down and write him a letter right after he gets paid and still has money. Tell him that you will no longer support him financially. Do not give him a reason why not. Your reasons are yours and should not be shared because he will only use this information to get you to change your mind. Tell him you understand each time he complains. Tell him you too have been 19 and know what it is like. You understand that he is struggling but believe in his ability to solve the problem on his own.
The sooner you stop feeding your guilt by giving him money, the sooner you will give him the opportunity to grow up and adjust. If you continue giving him money you will only make his habits worse and it will be even more difficult for him to change. It is now up to you. Be strong, and show your son that you can be trusted or continue giving him money and by doing so you will keep him dependent on you. Do not clip his wings. Teach him to fly and become independent. Be prepared for things to get worse for a while. He is not used to you standing your ground and will test your ability to parent. So he will act up. This just means that you really need to stand strong for his sake and yours. Good luck.
Sit down and write him a letter right after he gets paid and still has money. Tell him that you will no longer support him financially. Do not give him a reason why not. Your reasons are yours and should not be shared because he will only use this information to get you to change your mind. Tell him you understand each time he complains. Tell him you too have been 19 and know what it is like. You understand that he is struggling but believe in his ability to solve the problem on his own.
The sooner you stop feeding your guilt by giving him money, the sooner you will give him the opportunity to grow up and adjust. If you continue giving him money you will only make his habits worse and it will be even more difficult for him to change. It is now up to you. Be strong, and show your son that you can be trusted or continue giving him money and by doing so you will keep him dependent on you. Do not clip his wings. Teach him to fly and become independent. Be prepared for things to get worse for a while. He is not used to you standing your ground and will test your ability to parent. So he will act up. This just means that you really need to stand strong for his sake and yours. Good luck.
Dear Shoesandbags,
It feels like I've been here before, sounds very familiar. Believe it or not, it's all about us as mothers/parents. The way we re-act to every and any silly tantrum, is the way the outcome will be.
If anything, our kids have a way to sniff us out because they always "need" to find our weaknesses out, and trust me, if they find it, that's the weapon they will always use against us.
However, as we all know all that our kids/teens/young adults don't come with a manual, especially your first one, we sometimes need to resort to someone else. Someone professional. At the time, I was at my wit's end, my blood pressure was sky high, I was literally afraid of my son's voice, I was trapped in my own home, under my roof, my life was not my own anymore. When he screamed, I would scream louder because I was afraid.
Until,,,,and I mean until I came across help. The tides turned, the sun started rising from the east as I quietly worked on myself. I gradually became stronger, decisive, I was not intimidated anymore and everyone in my house, I mean everyone was taken by surprise. My rules in MY house, under MY roof became alive and I and we were happy ever after. Here's my email: Evette.Singleton@yahoo.com. This might be the help you need.
It feels like I've been here before, sounds very familiar. Believe it or not, it's all about us as mothers/parents. The way we re-act to every and any silly tantrum, is the way the outcome will be.
If anything, our kids have a way to sniff us out because they always "need" to find our weaknesses out, and trust me, if they find it, that's the weapon they will always use against us.
However, as we all know all that our kids/teens/young adults don't come with a manual, especially your first one, we sometimes need to resort to someone else. Someone professional. At the time, I was at my wit's end, my blood pressure was sky high, I was literally afraid of my son's voice, I was trapped in my own home, under my roof, my life was not my own anymore. When he screamed, I would scream louder because I was afraid.
Until,,,,and I mean until I came across help. The tides turned, the sun started rising from the east as I quietly worked on myself. I gradually became stronger, decisive, I was not intimidated anymore and everyone in my house, I mean everyone was taken by surprise. My rules in MY house, under MY roof became alive and I and we were happy ever after. Here's my email: Evette.Singleton@yahoo.com. This might be the help you need.