Totally stumped...

[gnatnz]

HELP, I am 38 and I have never joined an online forum. But I am so stumped with this that I have made the plunge...

I am in a blended family, and my partner and I have very different parenting styles. We both believe in boundaries but we have different ideas of where they lie and what consequences should follow. We are constantly arguing about my children, as he believes that I am too lax with them and should take more control. I think he is too authoritarian, and his expectations are way OTT.

Please tell me what you think of this prime example:
This morning, my four year-old poured herself a glass of milk. It was too full, so she began pouring some down the sink. My partner came in and saw this, and told her off. He insisted that she knew this was wasteful, and that she had done it on purpose. I agree that she shouldn't be allowed to waste milk, and proceeded to explain to her that she should not pour her milk down the sink, and why. However, my partner firmly believes that there should be a consequence to make sure she understands.

He insists that I should have told her she's not allowed to have any milk for the next three days, and that will teach her not to be wasteful. I, however, think that is completely OTT and that explaining why her actions are not acceptable, then following it up with reminders if she forgets, is enough.

After all, she's only four.

Please tell me what you think

 

[bssage]

He insists that I should have told her she's not allowed to have any milk for the next three days,

After all, she's only four.

Thats INSANE. Good thing she didnt waste food or toilet paper.

 

[gnatnz]

Hey thanks for your comment - I really need to get a perspective on this, as there are soo many of these disagreements.

We clash on these things so often that I am left wondering if maybe he's right... Until we got together, I actually used to think I was a really good parent. Now I have been questioned so often that I am constantly left questioning myself.

He doesn't want to be their dad, but he believes that as he has to live with them, he should be entitled to have a say in how they behave in our shared space. It really puts a lot of pressure on our relationship...

 

[Antoinette]

children NEED milk... it is good for them and is a great source of calcium so i think telling her she can't have milk for 3 days is completely unfair.. instead i think you should just explain to her why it's wrong to pour the milk down the sink and instead she should pour less in the cup to start with... maybe you could illustrate this by drawing a line on the outside of the cup to where she should pour the milk to and then show her how to pour it just to that line.... just an idea, its the strategy we use at daycare so they don't fill there cups up too much

 

[gnatnz]

Hey that's great, thanks - This was a good idea to try
I think actually the milk bottle was a bit heavy for her, and it got out of control - but I like the idea of putting a line on the glass...

 

[gnatnz]

Actually, if you're at daycare maybe you know - what can you expect from a four year-old? She is a pretty messy eater, and it drives my partner crazy. He makes her hold her hands above the table so that she doesn't wipe them everywhere, and the only compromise we've found is to tell her to wash her hands every time she puts them in her food. She's learning, but I think she just forgets...

 

[Antoinette]

thats totally normal, at 4 you can't be expected to eat with the same table manners as someone older, just you and your partner discuss the rules for the dinner table and then be unified and go in together and when she eats with her fingers or does something against the things you have decided just remind her so if she eats with her fingers say "NAME, we eat with our spoon at the dinner table" or rocking on her chair "NAME. remember to keep all the chair legs on the floor" just gentle reminders like that so she remembers them without being told off for getting them wrong because at 4 she is still only learning

 

[Antoinette]

as for the milk.. if the bottle is to heavy for her do you have any of those plastic pouring jugs?? you could keep one of them in the fridge half full and say thats her special milk bottle so it can't get to heavy but she still gets the independence of doing it herself...

 

[gnatnz]

Yeah, he's always on about having a unified approach and I admit sometimes I slip. It makes it hard when we disagree so totally - and when he insists on telling me whenever he thinks I am doing things "wrong". That's the hardest thing about a "blended" family - it's tough enough for parents to agree but when one party is not a parent, it's damn near impossible!

 

[Antoinette]

whether you are truly unified or not it is important to at least appear unified to her so don't have your disagreements in front of her because she needs to think you are on the same page..

 

[gnatnz]

Thanks for the advice on the milk... I guess I'm more concerned about the difficulties I have in finding a compromise about acceptable behaviour, and how much he has the right to override my parenting style... Also, whether it's reasonable to always insist on a "consequence" for these minor misdemeanors, when perhaps a gentle reminder would suffice...

I agree that it's really important to appear unified.

 

[Antoinette]

yeah.. i know what you mean... just stick by what you believe in, you are her mother but since you have chosen to be with this man it is important not to make him think he has no say in discipline at all because its hard enough to love and care a child who is not yours and knows they are not yours.. i don't know how long you have been with him or anything but he is stepping up and trying so just take that into account

 

[bssage]

My DW mentioned this last night. I dont think you are supposed to use any food (Milk) as a reward or punishment. She had heard it may cause eating disorders.

 

[IADad]

do you and your partner disagree in front of her? It seems like you really need to make some decisions (and you get the trump card since she's your daughter) but ove all things present a untied front in front of her.

Sure, there need to be consequences, but let the penalty fit the crime. It's reasonable to not let her pour her own milk for a time, it's reasonable for her to have to finish her milk once poured for her, a 3 day milk prohibition? I don't know what she learns from that?

 

[singledad]

I haven't read all the replies, so I hope I'm not repeating something.

I have one question - did she know that she's not supposed to waste the milk? If she has been taught not to waste before, then yes, punishment may be appropriate, depending on how well she already understands why what she did is wrong. If this is something new, then simply correcting and explaining why it isn't ok, is the way to go IMO. How was she supposed to know that its wrong if she has never been taught that it is? She's only four, after all!

Oh, and lastlly - you say he doesn't want to be their dad... well, frankly, I'd tell him that the only people who get to determine how a child is disciplined, is their parents, not some dude who happens to live in the same house. So if he doesn't want to be their dad, he should stay out of their upbringing. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but it really ticks me off when people think that that can be a parent is some ways, and not in other. You either are, or you aren't. Ask him, if you rented a room to your distant cousin, would he be happy to have said cousin have a say about how his child is raised?

 

[Mom2all]

Has he never heard the term "don't cry over spilled milk" ?

Really.. to me he sounds like a prison warden. Accidents and mistakes happen. Punishment should be reserved for things that children clearly know they are doing wrong. NOT for a mistake made while trying to learn to pour her own milk.

And I agree with SingleDad.. if the warden doesn't want to be her Dad.. then he should have no say so at all. More importantly.. perhaps you should think about if you'd want him to help raise your child anyway. I think that if there are that many issues over such small things.. big things later on.. would be impossible to overcome.

 

[Choppy]

It sounds to me like the greater issue here is that your partner's parenting role needs to be specifically defined. If you're not sure about it, your child is certainly going to be confused by it, and sooner or later you'll be dealing with the "I don't have to listen to YOU" retort.

Some ideas that might help with this conversation (or series of conversations):
- Try to have an outline in mind of what you expect from your partner. What responsibilities do you expect him to take on? What authority should he have? At what point should he defer a parenting decision to you?
- Approach the issue sooner rather than later, and ideally at a time when there is no immediate discipline issue at hand (you don't want to be focussed on something specific like this milk incident).
- You may want to set up some ground rules for discussing parenting issues. One example might be that neither of you can say the other is "wrong."
- Give your partner time to respond to you, and listen to his point of view when he presents it.
- Remember that you're not casting anything in stone here, too. As time goes on, assuming your relationship advances as well, he will likely move into a stronger parenting role over the years.

 

[Choppy]

Also, this whole milk thing reminds me of something that happened to me back in high school.

I was doing a co-op placement where for school credit I worked in a pharmacy for a few hours every other day. The job involved filling prescriptions and counting out pills. Well, at one point I accidentally spilled a few pills onto the floor, and thinking they weren't good anymore I tossed them in the garbage.

The pharmacist yelled at me and proceeded to pick the pills out of the garbage (this wasn't just for bad pills this was a real garbage can with snotty Kleenex and chewed gum and such), and proceeded to fill the prescription with them!

I ended up quitting that job, because I wasn't sure that was the kind of thing I wanted to be learning.

Anyway, my long-winded point here is that it seems to me like your daughter actually thought she was doing the right thing. She recognized she had too much milk and attempted to correct the problem in the way the made the most sense to her. Next time she over-fills a glass, she might try to pour it back into the milk jug, which is likely not a habit you want to encourage in a four year old.