Uh oh! Grandpa is angry over her vegetarianism...

[artmom]

This spring, my daughter has gone vegetarian. I support and respect her decision, as well as everyone else. Except grandpa (her dad's side).
I understand that grandpa lived on a farm a long time ago and that was how they made a living.
I am not expecting everyone else should stop eating meat, and my daughter knows that she needs to respect everyone's dietary choices and needs, and that's what she does.

I've talked about this with my daughter's dad since it's HIS dad that is being a bone head about it. But he doesn't seem he wants to get involved. I don't feel it would be a good idea if I confronted any of the grandparents, myself. Last time I talked to them about something more serious, they barely listened to much of what I said and interrupted me, which has been usual. I've known his parents for well over a decade and they are not the easiest people to confront.

To make matters more dicey is the grandparents are devote Christians and her grandparent's friend has said something religious. You just can't argue when it comes to religion without offending the person who brought it up.

My daughter feels that she is being harassed, pressured and bullied, plus, feeling like religion is being shoved in her face. It's overwhelming and she is scared to speak up about it. Grandma has been more understanding and can, sometimes, put Grandpa in his place. She is just very scared. I'm not sure if this is something I should confront them about, since I'm only getting one side. I asked my daughter if Grandpa is saying all this jokingly. She doesn't think so.

I've been talking to my daughter and listening to her concerns and her thoughts on the issue. I've been telling her to just keep doing what she thinks is right. One day, hopefully, Grandpa realizes it's not a phase and will stop bugging her.

What should I do without creating WW3?

 

[cybele]

I can sympathise with your daughter, I've been a vegetarian for 24 years and people still love to be assholes. The most tedious one is waving meat in my face and making animal noises (you would be surprised how many people do this and think that they don't look like complete idiots while doing so).

How often does she see Grandpa? If it's very often and he's hounding her about it then maybe they need a bit of space from each other, you can't change the actions of other people, you can only control how you react. If he's going to lecture her constantly then she probably just needs to remove herself from the situation until he can learn to behave himself.
If it's not often at all then it could be one of those "Just be amused by his antics" situations.

 

[artmom]

Twice a week she is over there due to me and her dad's work schedule.
She has left the table rather upset, she tells me.
I suggested to her that she should try laughing it off as a way to lighten the tone and ease the tension. It's hard for her to do that because she gets so depressed. She feels like Grandpa doesn't like her, anymore.

I've been encouraging her to talk to Grandma about it, first, since she is more supportive and understanding. I think Grandma has called out Grandpa for his outbursts and lectures. It still keeps happening.

Luckily, she is slowly getting ready to be left at home for one night so she won't have to go over there as much. She does enjoy herself with Grandpa and Grandma the rest of the time and they enjoy having her there.
Maybe this is just one of those things that will sort itself out.

 

[Vdad]

I'll answer this and see what happens. There's a difference btwn not accepting some one's choice, and being downright abusive in the need to change it. Sounds like grandpa has crossed that line. And not surprisingly, he doesn't see either his transgression, or it's emotional effect. Abuser's don't. So, presented that way..your child is in the presence of an abuser, what do you do? Exactly.

Since grandpa won't listen to words, maybe he'll respond to action: Maybe your daughter shouldn't be going over there as much, AND you should tell them why.

 

[artmom]

Oh,Vdad, we don't always agree but I see where your coming from. Interesting view point. But I think it's a bit extreme to call abuse allegations and reduce the amount of time she visits the Grandparents over this issue.
I acknowledge that lines have been crossed.
Like I've said, they enjoy having her over there and she enjoys the rest of the time. It's not every meal time where it's lecture town.
Refusing to allow her to go over to her Grandparents and giving them the ultimatum will just cause a huge, unnecessary feud, and I really don't want to go back to that. They have just started speaking to me, like actually having a conversation with me, in the last year or 2. They have been great at allowing her to be over there all these years so I can work and her dad can work. (It's not like my own parents have been so willingly to be a strong presence in her life.)
Grandpa means well and is just trying to give my daughter a different perspective of the meat industry and farming so she is better informed. I think my daughter is taking this as attacking her decision to not eat meat.
I've been working with my daughter to come up with strategies on how to deal with people who might challenge her diet.
I hate to say it, but she can be too sensitive for her own good. Getting upset over someone's opposing views isn't going to help her in life.

 

[Vdad]

Ok, well, I tried. You have this tendency of seeking lots of advice, and then shooting it down. You can do that, but I have to wonder what it is you're after. What would you like in response to the situation you've presented here?

Based on your description, the situation seems pretty dire. Then you say it's really not that bad. So, it's hard to respond to.

Either you accept grandpa's behavior, or you don't. If you don't, you'd need to communicate in some way to him that his behavior is unacceptable/unwelcome/unhelpful and expect it to stop (and I'm being more direct here than you would be with him) and then be prepared to follow thru with some response, like not having her spend time in his company. By doing so, you're presenting him (and his wife) with the motivation to exert self control. Again, based on your description, talking with him alone isn't productive, so you'd need to add an incentive.

Or, you can listen to your daughter, ask her what she'd like you to do, and see what she says, maybe offer this as a possible plan. But, beware the trap of kids complaining for attention and raising your alarm level and then choosing no option to cease the offending behavior.

 

[artmom]

WOW. I would like to know what your intentions are. I feel like you are purposely taking everything I say way, way out of context. If you read the whole post, not just skim through it, you would know what it is I'm asking.
I'm not shooting any advice down, but I'm not one to go to extremities first. I know these people and have known them for over a decade. You never met them. I'm not asking for your perception of the type of people they are. I'm asking how a sensitive topic should be handled with an ex-in-law without creating a bigger problem and losing respect with them.
I feel like you throw in "abuse" claims just to see what I would say. I don't HAVE to agree with you and I shouldn't have to be bullied into doing so.

 

[cybele]

Unfortunately I have to agree, you made it sound really bad at the beginning, using words like "harassed" and "bullied" then said it isn't. It's really hard to give advice when it's unclear what the situation actually is.

 

[Vdad]

Unfortunately I have to agree, you made it sound really bad at the beginning, using words like "harassed" and "bullied" then said it isn't. It's really hard to give advice when it's unclear what the situation actually is.

Thank you..although I'm not sure why agreeing with me is "Unfortunate".

Artmom, aside form the lack of either clarity or accuracy of your claims, I take a proudly masculine/paternal approach to fathering..and believe kids need and thrive on a balance btwn indulgence and self sufficiency...you don't mention much about your daughter's father, btw....and therein might lie your problem here: Maybe what's lacking is that balance. When a child complains, we all have a knee jerk reaction to tend to the complaint and soothe. But, I've found you often have to dig a bit deeper into the specifics of the complaint before knowing exactly how best to respond. You seem to panic and indulge, and not surprisingly, your child often seems to lack the resources to adapt and cope and modulate her emotion as best she can.

I think what might work is to be a bit less emotionally based in your response...maybe even practice here in your posts... and a bit more logical..it's role modelling important skills she seems to need...maybe by asking her exactly what it is she wants you to do. Sometimes, it's a truly "911" experience she's having that requires all hands on deck. But a lot of times, it's just a need for attention or support or basic acknowledgment that grandpa can be a jerk and she needs to accept and ignore it. Sometimes, we can pay too much attention to our kids, you know.

Try asking her what it is she needs before reacting and see how she responds.

 

[artmom]

Well, it looks like I wasn't clearly informed about what exactly was going on and that's probably why my interpretation was wonky.
My daughter straightened it as the whole blow up with her grandpa was just the one time when she first announced her vegetarianism at the grandparents this spring.
After grandma had a chat with grandpa things cooled down and he hasn't bugged her about it since.
Well then, I don't know why she was making a fuss out of it recently.
When she was camping with the grandparents this summer they had their Christian friends with them and they were the ones adding religious guilt to her dietary preference.
After a chat with her, everything's been cleared up and no further advice is needed on this topic.

 

[stepdad703]

Artmom, I know you said it's cleared up, still I gotta say something. I was raised Christian. When I converted to Judaism I found the following to be useful in diffusing religious disagreements of all manner, not just the Kosher-vs-Pork issue which did come up HEATEDLY more than once. "Unity in essentials, liberty in non-essentials, and charity in all things."