Update on son and his "boyfriend"?...

[Hazel Carolina]

okay so you all know that a couple of weeks ago i talked to jordan and explained to him that i did in fact see him kissing a boy in front of my house but i wanted him to be happy and still loved him etc shortly after that he stopped talking to me and confided himself to his room.

well that lasted a few weeks and then this yesterday he was talking to me again like nothing had happened so we were all fine so i was just going to drop it and accept that we were back on speaking terms but then this morning he brought it up and said "mum, would you love me if i was gay?" and i of course said i would love him no matter what and all i want for him is happiness so if he is happy then so am i. and he said "i am in love with Oliver and he loves me" and i just hugged him and again told him i will always love him and i wouldn't mention it to his father or sisters, i would let him do it himself in his own time etc.

 

[Xero]

Aw I am all teary eyed right now!!! I'm SO happy for you that he came to you!! I bet you couldn't even imagine the weight that is lifted off his shoulders, to have his mom to confide in, and to feel like he doesn't have to hide it from you, from SOMEONE. You definitely did the right thing, and I am super happy for you both. There's no better feeling than to know that your children can trust you and come to you no matter what. I'm sure your acceptance really means a lot to him.

I'm definitely happy for you that this finally got resolved, although I'm sure its a lot for you to take in (it sure would be for me).

 

[Hazel Carolina]

it is, but i have been processing it internally since i saw it so i am coming to terms with it enough to know i support him.

i don't know how i would feel if he asked to have Oliver stay over though LOL

 

[singledad]

I'm really happy for you that you got this out in the open. I still think you did the right thing by telling him that you saw them - you planted the seed that help give him the courage to come out to you.

I believe that he will be going through a difficult time right now - coming to terms with his sexuality, finding the courage to be open about it etc, but having his mom there to support him through it should make it a bit easier on him.

As for asking Oliver to stay over, it would react in exactly the same way I would if he asked a girl to stay over. Would you allow a girl to share his room if he wasn't gay? If no, I wouldn't allow Oliver either. I don't see that just because his chosen partner is another boy, the rules should change at all. Apart from pregnancy (obviously), the risks are the same, and therefor the rules should be the same.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I am so proud of you!!!! I think you handled the situation really really well. I was pretty sure that your son would come around to you in time, and I'm really glad that it didn't take too long. I would imagine that he must feel such a HUGE sense of relief right now. He had to have some time to come to terms with it all since you found out before he was really ready to tell you.

Thanks for the update....I've been thinking about you all and hoping that things would work out. Good mom! Give yourself a pat on the back for me!

 

[Hazel Carolina]

I've been trying to be the best mum that i can and handle this in the best way i can but i have come to the realization that if he is gay then he will be whether i accept it graciously or try to fight him so it is better for both of us that i show him unconditional love at this time in his life.

as for the staying over thing. he hasn't asked yet nor do i know if he will but..... he has stayed at Olivers house many times (before i knew about them) so that is why i am comfused as to what i should do

 

[IADad]

wow, that's great that it's resolved. It's slightly funny that he asked you if you'd still love him...isn't that exactly what you told him when you approached him about it to begin with? Well, he must have heard it because no doubt that's what he's been dwelling on the last couple of weeks.

I'm so glad you got exactly said what needed to be said, and were patient and silent waiting for him these last weeks, that must have been ttorture, thinking you wanted to "fix" whatever was wrong.

What singledad said about sleepover. More and more you're going to have to approach things as whether their permissable for a child or young adult perspective rather than a gender one.

Glad it's working out.

 

[Hazel Carolina]

its hard though as much as i want to enforce the same rules i would if he was dating a 20 year old girl i feel that it is different because he is dating a 20 year old man. for the first point. it would be legal for him to have sex with a 20 year old girl it is however illegal for him to have sex with a 20 year old man..

i am not a homophobe and i am dealing in the best way i can but i guess there is just still a little to get my head around

 

[IADad]

just be frank in your discussions with him. That's a very valid concern. I assume that all changes when he turns 18... how lon til then?

 

[Mindy]

You just rock

 

[DruidMom]

I'm very glad to hear that you showed your son so much understanding. I think he might have just been embarrassed that you saw him kissing another man in front of your house. However, IMO you shouldn't rush him to open up to you right away. He will in due time if you just show him how much you support his decisions in life and how much you love him for who he is. I don't think a lot of parents know this, but being gay is not a choice. And I'm just glad you weren't like that mother I spoke to a few weeks ago who had her 14 year old daughter sent to some Christian ward where they basically tell her she is filthy and sinful for being a lesbian and teach her to hate herself.
There are a lot of bad parents out there and I'm just glad you chose the high road.
As for "the talk", just give it to him in a similar way you would if you were talking to a daughter about dating an older man. In retrospect, its not all that different. Granted, the genders are different because he is your son but mentally a lot of gay men have slightly similar thoughts to a woman. I have five gay men friends ranging from the givers to the takers. The takers have more of a feminine mindset than the givers so I guess it all depends which one your son might consider himself (not to sound perverted or anything, we are all adults here). So I guess before your set into "the talk" you should ask him if he is comfortable about talking with you about it. And then go from there. I just hope this opinion will give you some good tips.

 

[sbattisti]

Awesome job!

I can't recall how old Jordan is, but I do think that, when appropriate, you should consider revising how his relationship is handled with Oliver and sleepovers and stuff. Point out that if Oliver had been a woman (and you had presumed he was straight), that he wouldn't have been allowed to have sleepovers. This new fact changes the nature of his relationship with Oliver in your eyes.

You just have to be careful to present it in a way that isn't like "OK, now you get punished for being gay."

Although you don't have to worry about pregnancy now, you should still take the opportunity to mention the importance of safe sex...

Also, I would suggest that it's OK to mention to Jordan that you struggle at times to deal with it. Not in a big, negative way, but just . . . he has probably struggled with his identity for a long time, and I think it will help your bond if you let him know that it's a big change for you, and that while you may not always handle everything perfectly, you will always, always love him and be open to talking about it.

 

[Hazel Carolina]

I don't think i am going to be giving him a "Talk" until he approaches me, it is too soon in his coming out process for me to be pressuring him to talk about it. i don't think he is comfortable enough with it himself yet.

 

[singledad]

I think you are very wise not to put pressure on him right now. After your last discussion, he knows he can come to you. IMO all that is left for you to do, is to be available and listen when he wants to talk, and to make sure there is no change in the way you treat him.

Hang in there - I think you're handling it very well.

 

[Xero]

Honestly I agree with Singledad. At this point, I'm sure they've already done whatever they want to do and if you try to step up and control their relationship it might make your son regret telling you the truth and he might be more wary of being honest with you. I know it sounds very un-parenting like of me to suggest that you let your son do what he wants in fear of losing his trust or "friendship" but if he were a different age it might matter more for you to do that. He's already 17, going to be 18 someday before you know it, and you might as well let him make most of his own decisions at this point.

I would just be hesitant to jump on that whole "well now I know you're gay, so I'm going to make up new rules and regulations!" it seems like a punishment for trusting you, when he will be thinking that he could have just kept it from you and things would have been easier for him and Oliver. I personally, and only because he is at that age, would just be happy with him telling me and I would leave things otherwise as they are for the most part. Again, I know this sounds weak from a parenting point of view, but his situation IMO is a lot more fragile than your average dating situation. He's old enough, I would just let him be as long as he's not running wild (I mean, imagine what they've already definitely gotten away with before you knew that they were a couple, it would almost be silly to try and change things now). But that's just me.

 

[DruidMom]

Well, thats assuming he actually HAS done anything with Oliver. There are a lot of kids out there who are actually very thoughtful about being careful with those kinds of things, I mean just because he is a teenager and has raging hormones doesn't mean he doesn't know self-control and honestly if it worries you that much just tell him that as his mother you just want him to be careful the next time he goes out with Oliver. All that really does is show your concern for him and his wellbeing. I know that, granted, some teens might roll their eyes and think "whatever" but knowing you care can be a reassurance.

 

[NancyM]

This might sound extremely liberal, but I let my son's girlfriend sleep here and he at her home because I'd simply rather they be in a safe place than out in the night looking for a place to 'make out' .

That was my husband and I, and we ended up in some pretty unsafe places.

My son just turned 19, and his girlfriend is 21, but he's been with her when he was younger too.

It's completely up to you, I think it would be hard for me just finding out my son was gay to consider they sleep over, but eventually I know I'd come around.

Just keep in mind they will be together where ever they can be, and since they are gay men, I'd be even more concerned that someone might try to hurt them out there.

Just a thought.

 

[dkwultimate]

I think you should be proud of him for he came to you and told you the truth.. I guess people can choose what they want to be and how they want to do it.. We all just guide them through the right direction.. we can't force them.. We can just love them they way they are...