Wanting to be the best mom possible...

[sweettartsarah]

I have been involved in my step daughter's life since she was a baby, and had a big role in her potty training, learning to ride a bike, and everything in between. Her dad and I got divorced almost 6 years ago now, but I stayed close to both my step kids. She was 7 and my step son was 11 when their dad and I divorced. The kids lived with their maternal grandma because my ex has never been stable enough to take them and their bio mom is a drug addict. Then last summer my step daughter, Randi, started saying she wanted to live with me. I believe her main motivation for this was to get away from her brother, who is a bully and has been physicallt abusive to her. Their grandma is a good person but she could never really control the kids. Another reason Randi wanted to live with me is to spend more time with her sister, who is a year younger. The girls have always been close.

Last November Randi said that she had made up her mind and she wanted to live with me. Grandma agreed becasue she has had a lot of health problems and taking care of the kids has been extremely stressful for her, especially my step son. He has gotten involved in drugs and alcohol and consistently fails in school. So Randi came to live with me right before Thanksgiving, at the age of 12. I got her into a charter school and her and her sister decided they wanted to share a room. It was an extremely hard transition. I live with my sister and her son, as well as my son and daughter, and it was a big adjustment for all of us.

Randi has made a lot of progress in the last 9 months. At first their were a lot of behaviors, like stealing food, lying, and not doing her school work. Things are better, but there are still occasions of lying and sneaking food. She was in counseling for a while but her counselor just thought she was a sweet kid and didn't know how to help her. She has a Big Sister through Big Brothers Big Sisters, and recently joined a year-round competitive swim team. These things have increased her self esteem, which I think is her main issue.

My main question is how to best help her. Her low self esteem causes her to not care about her hygiene. She still does not do well in school. I worry what will happen in a few years when she starts interacting with boys. She craves love and acceptance, and feels deeply the abandonment by both of her bio parents. I love her very much and she knows it, but I know that deep down she wishes she had her real parents. I would love feedback from parents who have had to deal with similair issues, or went through something like this themselves. I want to be the best mom possible to her, but I'm not always sure how to do it or that I am doing a good enough job.

 

[parentastic]

Abandonment issues are so difficult! It seems to me that you are handling it really well. Quick thought: is there any way you can legally adopt her? It would be good for her self-esteem and her needs for security...

 

[mom2many]

You are doing everything you can cause she is at the age where it is really hard for girls in general. Stick with her, keep a positive attitude and remind remind remind her to take showers. Get her stuff for the bathroom that is just her's, make it special. Can she wear a little make-up? Maybe a little mascara and lip gloss, small things but things that do make us feel good about ourselves. Otherwise you have a good handle on it.

 

[sweettartsarah]

Thanks for the advice! I'm not sure that adopting her would be a good idea as she still loves her bio mom and somewhere deep inside hopes that she will one day get to live with her. Her bio mom moved to Oregon, but they do talk on the phone sporadically and she visited her over the summer with her grandma.

Mom2Many I see you have a teenage daughter. Although Randi is allowed to wear make up, she only does occasionally. Is this normal? A lot of time she would go around with her hair unwashed and unbrushed and wearing ugly, stained clothes. I buy her ProActive but have to constantly remind her to use it. I am not sure how much of this is normal for just turned 13 and how much is Randi's lack of self esteem.

 

[mom2many]

It really sounds like until now, no one really cared how she looked so she has learned to not care. Its gonna just take some time to get her where she should be...a spa day, a trip to a manicurist. Little things but things that could help spark an interest in her taking care of herself.

Some of it is pretty normal though, it seems to go from not caring to never leaving the house until everything is in place and not a strand is out of place...that can be just as annoying LOL

 

[parentastic]

I think you can just wait until she starts getting an interest for boys, which should not be too long. Then suddenly, she is going to want to look good...

 

[junelyna]

Just continue parenting her and advice to be a real woman and do well for herself.

 

[RegalSin]

especially my step son. He has gotten involved in drugs and alcohol and consistently fails in school.

Damaged goods. Just get him into military or some sorta job program. Even an anti-drug program. I know it is a negative thing, but most people who do drugs just ends in a spiral of failure, while some get smart ( like the father ) and gets work to feed their desease. That is my ideas on the son.

So Randi came to live with me right before Thanksgiving, at the age of 12. I got her into a charter school and her and her sister decided they wanted to share a room. It was an extremely hard transition. I live with my sister and her son, as well as my son and daughter, and it was a big adjustment for all of us.

That is a big household.

Randi has made a lot of progress in the last 9 months. At first their were a lot of behaviors, like stealing food, lying, and not doing her school work. Things are better, but there are still occasions of lying and sneaking food.

Ask her why does she keep lying? Do her school work with her, this way their is no excuse.

She was in counseling for a while but her counselor just thought she was a sweet kid and didn't know how to help her.

The councler see the problem but knows she wont listen. I am guessing the councler is banking her being normal and getting pregnant early.

She has a Big Sister through Big Brothers Big Sisters, and recently joined a year-round competitive swim team. These things have increased her self esteem, which I think is her main issue.

Maybe she feels a sense of accomplishment. Maybe you can go swimming with her at the ocean, more often. I allways hated school, and felt great only at my drawing desk. Maybe this her way of being alive.

her hygiene.

That depends on what you mean. While women hygiene is differnt, are you talking about her becoming a toyboy, or something else in that area.

I worry what will happen in a few years when she starts interacting with boys.

She will be normal, like any other women out their. Just remember she like swimming. Working with her homework is also another priority.

I want to be the best mom possible to her, but I'm not always sure how to do it or that I am doing a good enough job.

If you want feedback, then first talk with the grandmother and try to contact the mother, and father. I know you hate those paths but hey.

 

[mommybree]

OK, being new to this forum, I have no idea how to multi-quote so please bear with my rendition of quoting... Unless what I do actually works, then I say yay!
"Damaged goods. Just get him into military or some sorta job program. Even an anti-drug program. I know it is a negative thing, but most people who do drugs just ends in a spiral of failure, while some get smart ( like the father ) and gets work to feed their desease. That is my ideas on the son."

Did this fool seriously just say that military/job programs/anti-drug programs are a negative thing? I think you've got it backwards, the drugs are negative.

"The councler see the problem but knows she wont listen. I am guessing the councler is banking her being normal and getting pregnant early."

Really? A counselor is supposed to care about what happens in the lives' of our youth! To the original poster, if the counselor isn't doing his or her job, find another! This child is obviously dealing with issues deeper than you can do a whole lot about! As a child, and many would say I'm still a child myself at 24, I went through many psychiatrists and psychologists and not a single one helped me. One guy was more interested in putting moves on my grandmother... Let me tell you that was disturbing to see at 8 years old... But, I digress, you must find a counselor who truly cares for the child's well being, not what goes into their pocket at the end of the week. The child wanted to come live with you, so she obviously trusts you. Spend as much time with her as you can, constantly tell her that she is loved, and show her too. Maybe try a slumber party or something with her where you sit up and watch movies and do makeovers and be girly. If by poor hygiene you mean that she is not showering or brushing her teeth regularly remind her that poor hygiene habits lead to poor health. Bad tooth brushing habits are the worst. I was just informed the other day at my own child's dentist appointment that tooth decay is actually a bacterial infection that is transmissible from person to person. If you must, go as far as telling her that if she has these poor hygiene habits that they can begin to affect other people's health. Honestly though, with the life she's had so far, it sounds to me like you're doing the best you can. I hope that I was able to be of some help. If not, please feel free to tell me to keep my trap shut.

 

[Xero]

mommybree - Regalsin was a "troll" and he was banned. He was just trying to stir things up and all that. Don't worry, we already got rid of him! This is also a pretty old thread so you might not still be able to get to the OP. We try to keep from posting in any thread that has a last post date any older than thirty days, it just kinda helps keep things that are newer at the top. No big deal though. Enjoy posting!

 

[mommybree]

I've gotta be honest, I'm going nuts on posting at the moment because I need 5 posts to post my own problem...

 

[Xero]

Haha, sorry about that.

 

[parentastic]

I've gotta be honest, I'm going nuts on posting at the moment because I need 5 posts to post my own problem...

Looking forward to read your post and see if I can be of any help!