We both found out about husbands 18-year-old daughter from 1 night stand...

[Emily2016]

Hi,

I would appreciate advice on how to cope with my situation. 2 weeks ago my husband and I both found out that he has an 18-year-old daughter from a one night stand in his 20's. He is now 43 years old and we've been together 6 1/2 years and married for 1. (So all this was years before me... But I'm having problems with thoughts of how it will affect us now and going forward). One week before we found out I had a miscarriage (early one of 6 weeks). He did not lie or hide it, and it was a complete shock to both of us. My problem is how to cope with having a new person, his adult daughter, in our lives when it has only been us 2. He wants to have a relationship with her and she does as well. I'm trying but everything is going so fast that I feel like falling apart. I cry everyday and think about this all the time. I specifically decided to not date men with children because I did not want to deal with these feelings. I understand I need to pull my big girl panties up and come up to bat, but I'm having a lot of difficulty accepting her. I want to do the right thing and accept her and be supportive of my husband, but I feel myself resisting and wishing that there was more boundaries and structure... HELP please!

 

[Vdad]

Hi Emily,

I do not think this is a situation where you need to pick up your big girl panties ( or any article of clothing, ftm)...that suggests a deficit in maturity...what you're dealing with is pretty major.

To address your justifiable emotional concern, I'd start with a glass of red wine (which I suspect you've already had) as well as logic. The antidote to panic is reason.

I'd first like to know about the circumstances of the disclosure...how did you both find out, who was the woman, the timing....basics, not the gory details. And, does your husband believe the child is his and why, can he corroborate this, has he spoken to the mother?

The second thing I'd clarify with him are his expectations....emotionally as well as legally/financially in meeting her and "Having a relationship". His intentions sound vague, it's helpful to flesh out the details maybe even contact an attorney to get the legal aspects of all this, too. I'd also share what your concerns are, this might be his child, but what he does now affects you (and your relationship with him).

Then, before they meet, it might be a good idea to find out from her what her expectations and intentions are. Curiosity? A deeper (and perhaps more problematic) need? Has she had some stable father figure in her life? Has she been lost? Meeting is easy, what comes next is harder. There should be some basis of agreement before proceeding to avoid what could be a very bad emotional crash.

The best outcomes in situations here come from having as much information and clarity as possible. Then, discuss expectations and see if all of you can live with this. Him finding out he has an adult child doesn't necessarily mean he must have a relationship with her unless it is at best positive, and at worst neutral.

 

[artmom]

I'm not going to lie. I do not understand your feelings towards your husband and the newfound daughter. I think you are over thinking the circumstances.
Good news for you is that his daughter is 18 and not a chid. You won't have to worry about having to raise her or deal with all the intimate interruptions between you and your husband. Just helping you with a little perspective.
But the point of the matter is that his daughter is likely seeking to meet her dad and find out who he is and what kind of life he's been living. If they both want to have a dad/daughter relationship you should probably just let them. It's a sensitive situation and adding anything that can be interpreted as negative will create a lot of hurt in the end and I highly doubt your relationship with your husband will go back to normal.
It sounds as though you don't want to have a relationship where you have to share your spouses time and attention with someone else. Maybe not intentionally, but deep down I think that's what your feeling.

You should talk about your feelings to your husband, if he's the understanding, rational type.
You can even try talking it over with close friends or family.