What to do about lying...

cybele

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Feb 27, 2012
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I'm with akmom and mom2all on this, whilst ideally, my kids would learn things with natural consequences, sometimes the consequence happens too late for them to make the link, or the consequence is far too dangerous for me to allow.

"Don't touch the snake" is a very real one here. If I repeatedly say "Don't touch the snake" and repeatedly explain why, somehow I have to get it to sink in, because the natural consequence there absolutely should not be an option. And yes, I have caught Sasha poking at a snake, while saying "I didn't touch it" while his finger is in contact with the snake.
 

tadamsmar

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Jun 21, 2012
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parentastic said:
You seem to have a genuine interest for child care. You should really consider reading some of the references I provided. You might be surprised and really appreciate it.
I am learning from you. I just read <I>Mindset</I>. I don't think you directly referenced that, but I know I found it by researching some of your references related to intrinsic vs extrinsic motivators. <I>Mindset</I> is a great book.

I plan to read more, perhaps all, of the references you provided. <I>How to talk so kids will listen...,w</I>hich I think you referenced without looking back at the posting history, is a book we used when raising my daughter.
 
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parentastic

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Jul 22, 2011
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tadamsmar said:
I am learning from you. I just read <I>Mindset</I>. I don't think you directly referenced that, but I know I found it by researching some of your references related to intrinsic vs extrinsic motivators. <I>Mindset</I> is a great book.

I plan to read more, perhaps all, of the references you provided. <I>How to talk so kids will listen...,w</I>hich I think you referenced without looking back at the posting history, is a book we used when raising my daughter.
I haven't read mindset, but it looks interesting from what I quickly read on amazon. It seems related to resilience, which is a topic of great interest for me since it is part of my current studies.

How to talk... is a great reference. You may want to read Haims Ginott's "Between parent and child" book, it's the original research and original book behind Faber and Mazlish's "how to talk...", they were students with him when they decided to build the "how to talk" methodology, based on Ginott's teaching. The book is quite old, but still excellent.
But my first recommendation is to read Dr Dan Siegel's "Parenting from the inside out", it's the one with the most up to date research and a lot of really fascinating information of the new finding in neurobiology and neuroscience.
 

tadamsmar

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Jun 21, 2012
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parentastic said:
I haven't read mindset, but it looks interesting from what I quickly read on amazon. It seems related to resilience, which is a topic of great interest for me since it is part of my current studies.
Resilience is one aspect of it, overcoming obstacles to learning. Here is a good summary of the ideas as they relate to student motivation to learn:

http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?ItemNumber=150509[/URL]
 

parentastic

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Jul 22, 2011
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tadamsmar said:
Resilience is one aspect of it, overcoming obstacles to learning. Here is a good summary of the ideas as they relate to student motivation to learn:

http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?ItemNumber=150509[/URL]
Yes, this is a very interesting article. I am familiar with many of the findings outlined there. It's part of this new bunch of science regarding root cause and <I>motivation</I> - the difference between <I>intrinsic and extrinsic</I> motivation.

Did you notice the part about praise? Praises are one of the main tool in the behaviorist' tool box; yet it has a lot of negative long term consequences when it develops extrinsic motivation. This article only covers the difference between a praise that is about the child, as opposed to a praise about the child's <I>effort</I>. But similar findings remains true when only the <I>desired</I> <I>behaviors</I> (outside of the intent or root cause) are rewarded through praise by a parent, as opposed to let the child build his own self-evaluation of his/her own efforts. Let me know when you find more interesting articles, it was a good read.
 

chandagohrani

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Feb 22, 2013
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Lying is very often an escape mechanism to avoid judgment. In general, people, children included, do not like to be judged, positively or negatively.
 

jimrich

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Sep 13, 2014
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Hello:
My parents unwittingly promoted my lying! In the beginning, I was painfully honest and totally trusted my parents but, after about 4, I began to notice a strange phenomena where the older kids, who LIED a lot, were punished way less than those who told the truth, like me, AND they often got rewards! I tried it out a few times and, sure enough, my parents went for my Lies and I was not hit, spanked, threatened, humiliated or punished! I soon became as good a liar as all the other "smart" kids and found myself in the wonderland of getting away with bad behavior while also rarely being painfully punished like it used to be. The more I lied, the less respect and trust I had for my parents. LOL, now that I am old enough to see it, I realize that my own parents conditioned me to become a successful LIAR because they actually wanted me to be one! I now see that they preferred lies to embarrassing truths because it was easier on them! If I was honest about breaking something or misbehaving, they had to devise a punishment and carry it out (in secret) while suffering the shame of their own parental inadequacies BUT if I lied, they could happily accept it and just go about their business with little or no shame over their own parental failures. MY lying was a win-win for my parents and me so I became quite expert at it which unfortunately caused me a lot of trouble later in life.
It's interesting for me to see how few parents will never admit that they set their own kids up to be: liars, thieves, rebellious, corrupt, sneaky and naughty in many ways with inadequate or dishonest parenting that passes as OK and normal. My parents would never have admitted that their parental FAILURES influenced us boys to become very, very corrupt behind their backs while looking real noble to their faces.
If I discovered that my kid was becoming a chronic liar, I'd first of all try to figure out why the kid is doing that and then I'd find some way to help CORRECT my own parenting mistakes before it gets any worse and before I'd begin punishing my kid for doing something that I have unwittingly promoted.
jim :)