What would be an appropriate way to handle this......

[artmom]

.... and get a resolution once and for all?

Some of you may know by now that my kid has been going through a tough time. She's getting better and decent help is finally happening after getting the run around last year.
But this latest issue has my daughter upset every night and she dreads going to school. She still gets there, but she isn't enjoying it. Since her birthday, she has lost her long time, best friend for unknown reasons that this ex-friend has never disclosed. Even her mom, who loves my daughter, is baffled.

Another issue, that I'm more irritated with, is this manipulative, controlling, meddling girl, *Bonnie, in her class. She just won't leave my daughter alone and tries to lead all the projects and group work. Bonnie keeps looking over my daughter's shoulder when she's trying to do work. My daughter tried to be friends with Bonnie when they first met. They even had a sleepover that we hosted, once. But soon after, my daughter would come home complaining about Bonnie constantly asking questions about private issues that my daughter is still going through, and won't stop the prying questions when my daughter would tell Bonnie that it's things that she doesn't want to bring Bonnie into. It turned into a game of manipulation where Bonnie, long story short, is now demanding my daughter to forgive her and apologize for not wanting to be her friend.
I've tried to reason the situation with my daughter and tried to give alternate, positive perspectives on what may be going on. I'm not going to force my daughter to be friends with someone she can't get along with, and I'm not going to encourage my daughter to be mean just to get a point across. So, I told her to ignore Bonnie and eventually she will move on. My daughter isn't the only one in the class that is finding this girl annoying, manipulative and nosy. But it's my daughter that Bonnie seems to hover around. I've noticed early on that Bonnie has trouble with boundaries and I've tried having a little, light chat about it when I saw her in the halls at school one day, after she asked me if my daughter was okay and what was wrong, when I had just finished talking to the guidance counsellor. Then she went to her mom upset, saying I was yelling at her. pfft. It was right outside the office. I'm sure if I was yelling someone would have approached me about scolding another student.
Anyways, we have gotten the guidance counsellor involved, the teachers are aware of the situation and nothing is improving.
My daughter is going through anxiety and cried every night about it because she just doesn't feel like she can handle much more of it. Thankfully there's less that 2 month left of school. This issue is affecting my daughter's schoolwork and I'm getting fed up with hearing about Bonnie every evening and weekend. It's to the point I want to go down to the school and just scream at the teachers and the rest of the staff to control the students and take more action when there are students that are disruptive and acting like bullies.
My daughter is being bullied as well, and the teachers and principal have talked to the class about not touching someone and acting like the person has a skin eating disease. These lectures are not helping much.
I'm trying to keep it together and remain level-headed and try to give thought out advice and just try to listen to my daughter and make sure she knows I'm supportive and care about her problems.
However, when it's a school issue there is little I can do. I know my daughter needs to learn to solve her social problems, and she does, usually. It gets too much for her when everything she is doing doesn't work and the problem peer is consistently and everlastingly being a pest. I don't know what else to do other than keep reminding my daughter to ignore Bonnie.
Btw, the guidance counsellor agreed that my daughter should just ignore Bonnie unless the topic is strictly about schoolwork.
I feel sort of bad for Bonnie, at the same time. I don't think she has many friends at all and I know exactly how it feels.
I just want to know what is the next step if nothing else is working.
Homeschooling is not an option. My daughter will be going to the big high school in the fall. It seems like there's no point, or the school will think there is no point, in going forward in any further action. I know the guidance counsellor has talked to Bonnie and nothing is working.
I can't have my daughter crying every night. It's hampering on her mental health and erasing the progress she's made.
Something's gotta give.

 

[mom2many]

Does your daughter have a diagnosed issue?

Honestly at 14, she should be able to handle most of these situations.

I do get the friend thing though, my DD's long time, very best friend, invited my DD over to hang out and told my DD that they could no longer be friends, she wasn't cool enough. It broke my DD's heart and took away my DD's other friends cause the followers couldn't stand up to the best friend. After about a week of crying she did something about it, she lost weight (a lot of weight), and made new friends. Once my DD lost weight the ex-best friend wanted back in. My dd shut that down. That age and friendships, especially for girls can be a really difficult time, but from experience the best thing to do is let them solve it and to stay out of it (within reason of course).

 

[TabascoNatalie]

What about finding friends OUTSIDE of school and immediate peer group? Sports, hobbies, youth groups, church, even online (even though that might be risky). Because if you let school (or later work) define your life, of course you will be unhappy

 

[artmom]

Does your daughter have a diagnosed issue?

Honestly at 14, she should be able to handle most of these situations.

We are currently working with people who can help her with some issues. She does usually try and deal with most of her social issues, but sometimes a situation, like this one, comes up and no matter how hard she tries it doesn't work. This puts her in state of feeling hopeless and powerless. It over-stresses her and she gets anxiety attacks where she just doesn't know what to do with herself.

Update: We sat with the guidance counsellor, again, but nothing productive came out of the meeting. I've been telling my daughter that if she has to interact with the problem girl she should keep it strictly work-related. It's good practice for her to learn to deal with difficult people when she starts working.


"What about finding friends OUTSIDE of school and immediate peer group? Sports, hobbies, youth groups, church, even online (even though that might be risky). Because if you let school (or later work) define your life, of course you will be unhappy"
She has, or had, contact with friends from her old school. She let's little things get to her so easily that she had a falling out with another girl over a criticism over her artwork. (Typical artist reaction.) Other friends she knows have just lost contact over time. She used to go swimming at the local pool on Friday's and met a girl there. But my daughter hasn't gone swimming lately due to her cutting problem, which has subsided, now.
She's not into sports.
She was in Sketch club once a week during lunch and recently pulled out of it. She wasn't feeling comfortable there, anymore. We are not very religious and don't go to church.
We had a terrible situation when she met a girl online through a friend. My daughter no longer has a facebook page and has abandoned Google chat. And there were other problems with her socializing online.
It's not like she has no friends or is "anti-social". She has just been very choosy of who she let's into her life. She wasn't always like this. I do know why she has gotten wary. Heck, I used to be like that. I still am.
I just don't want to overstep any boundaries or overreact. Everyday I'm giving her advice or just listening to the day's problem. It's getting tiring for me because I would like her to be able to go through school enjoying friends and class projects and just feeling included and accepted.
She definitely marches to her own tune and is comfortable being herself and not caring what other's think of her appearance. I told her that it's good for her that she's not trying to be sheep and follow the herd, like the rest of the popular clones in her class. I think that, despite how self-conscious and shy she thinks she is, she is more confident and self-assured that most of the kids in her class because she doesn't try to act like someone else just to have friends. That takes some guts.

But like I said, there are deeper issues that we are getting her help for and I'm just trying to get the school to work with me to ensure that she is comfortable enough at school to do her work and not crying to sleep every night.
There have been times recently where I've seen her bullies and I just want to go up to them and give them a lesson they'll never forget.

 

[Vdad]

This is a tough one b/c your feelings seem just as intense as your daughters. Am I onto something here?

I get the part of wanting to help her with what she describes as a difficult situation. But, kids learn not only by our interventions and recommendations, but also on how we comport ourselves. So, if you're demonstrating your concern (and ensuing emotion) with her as you are here, she's hearing all the good stuff you're suggesting, yet her emotional radar might be be picking up all your emotion. In effect, you might think you're dousing the fire when in actuality, you're feeding it. Maybe take a cool headed approach that might seem paradoxical, but role models coping and tolerance....Bonnie is surely not the most ideal peer, but she's not actually a menace or threat...so the amount of time you spend on this with your daughter should be both less and less intense.

If she's in therapy, you might join a session with her therapist after a particular difficult bout with Bonnie (or you in the discussion afterwards), so s/he can help both of you put those into perspective.

The true paradox here is that sometimes it's better to NOT to respond to your child's emotional reaction to something with a similar reaction of your own, we often think that's empathy, when in fact it's indulgence. Which might feel good in the moment, but doesn't teach the kind of emotional management skills required to actually feel good on one's own.

 

[artmom]

This is a tough one b/c your feelings seem just as intense as your daughters. Am I onto something here?

I get the part of wanting to help her with what she describes as a difficult situation. But, kids learn not only by our interventions and recommendations, but also on how we comport ourselves. So, if you're demonstrating your concern (and ensuing emotion) with her as you are here, she's hearing all the good stuff you're suggesting, yet her emotional radar might be be picking up all your emotion. In effect, you might think you're dousing the fire when in actuality, you're feeding it. Maybe take a cool headed approach that might seem paradoxical, but role models coping and tolerance....Bonnie is surely not the most ideal peer, but she's not actually a menace or threat...so the amount of time you spend on this with your daughter should be both less and less intense.

If she's in therapy, you might join a session with her therapist after a particular difficult bout with Bonnie (or you in the discussion afterwards), so s/he can help both of you put those into perspective.

The true paradox here is that sometimes it's better to NOT to respond to your child's emotional reaction to something with a similar reaction of your own, we often think that's empathy, when in fact it's indulgence. Which might feel good in the moment, but doesn't teach the kind of emotional management skills required to actually feel good on one's own.

I can see where I might come off as very reactive and emotional about the situation in my post, but I don't or try not to give too much reaction about it. My daughter sometimes thinks I'm getting annoyed with her when she starts talking about Bonnie. I admit that it is, but I think it's just frustration that my daughter is stressing herself over everything Bonnie does and says to her. All of my daughter's friends are irritated with Bonnie. I don't think this girl has many friends and is sort of socially awkward. I feel bad for this girl and I don't think she's doing anything malicious on purpose.
There is a backstory to my daughter's stress level over this mundane situation. Last spring, she was being manipulated and harassed by another girl really bad whom she met online through a friend. This was the girl that sent my daughter's emotional health over the edge and she started cutting and sent her into therapy. So, when Bonnie started doing similar guilt trips my daughter recognized as what she faced with the other girl, she just started feeling like she's in the same type of unhealthy situation as last year and she's feeling rather hopeless.

Right now, I'm just lending an ear and not being too reactive. There really isn't much I can do. I wrote a letter to the science teacher. My daughter ended up handing it to the secretary, so who knows where it's going to end up. There's only a month left of school and then my daughter's going to the big high school in the fall. So, I've just been encouraging my daughter to keep ignoring Bonnie and to keep strong for another month.

 

[Vdad]

Internet advice is always tricky, obviously I don't know any of the participants here, so I don't profess accuracy. You'd do well to talk with her therapist privately to come up with a plan on how to address your daughter's concerns when she bring them up to you. If she gets "Annoyed", whatever it is you're doing (or attempting to do) isn't working for her.

As I said sometimes the best thing to do is minimize the time talking and therefore feeling or re experiencing the issue..that's the paradox, we want to listen and be attentive when in fact, maybe a more dismissive approach is better. There seems to be a lot of drama there, which results from too much attention, or perhaps more accurately, the inability to modulate the drama....and the best way of teaching that isn't by delving into it, but helping her just shut it down internally.