when is it time to date...

[kevin0905]

I am a father of 3 teenagers 19 18 and 15. the older 2 are my sons and the younger one is my stepdaughter. the older is with a 16 which I don't approve the 18 goes from girl to girl which I don't approve. and finally my daughter wants to date a 17 year old from another highschool on the other side of town. of course I don't approve of this either. the problem is that their mother has no problem with this what so ever.
we are constantly fighting about this. the 19 has been sleeping with his girlfriend for about a year. the 18 has had sex before with several different girls. the 17 that is dating my daughter ( they got together on march 16) they knew each other in the 8th grade. they met again on the 15th of march so they hadn't seen each other for about 2 years. she is now a freshmore and he is a junior. I am very computer savy so I check everything I can. ( my wife disagrees with this)
I was able to get on his facebook to see his post. now remember they got together on the 16th. they are already saying "I Love you" in texting and on the phone. some of his post are saying " I cant wait till she wakes up in my arms." pictures of him smoking (not cigerates) I confronted him about this on the phone. and a post on the 15 (before he met her again) was "OMG she was amazing spent the whole night with her and it was sad when I had to leave her house in the morning. During this time my daughter was at a friend house both my sons said that the girls parents would not have let him stay. and she has burglar bars on her window then the next post was that he was going to spend the night again. I confronted him about these post and he played it off. and believe me I was not nice and I told him what I thought of him. he then call my daughter up and told her what I said. I got read the riot act from my wife and daughter that I was being over protective with her I asked my wife to read the post and she wouldn't. I had already showed the post to both of her brothers. they were infuriated as well. he has since deleted all the post and they are still talking on the phone about 1 and a half to 2 hours a day after school.
I am at a loss why doesn't her mother see what kind of a guy this is. am I wrong for poking around their face books. nothing was hidden. although I am capable of doing much more investigating as I said I am very good at computer and have worked at a college in the cyber division.
please help me understand how to deal with this, I am going nut and it is affecting me personally at home and at work. Sometimes I can not even look at my daughter because I am so angry.

this guy is very smooth on what he says and I even told him that they shouldn't be saying I love you so soon.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

You are not wrong wanting to protect your daughter, however, what i see here seems very double-standard. Just my opinion.
Do you apply the same degree of control over your sons' behaviour?

 

[kevin0905]

no double standard. I dont like any of the dating situations with my kids. i live across from a middle school that every year has young teens that are pregnant. I just dont understand why so many people are ok with this. just go into another argument with the wife about daughter. She asked me if i wanted her to be an old maid at 18 for not dating. Go figure.

I want to quit caring

 

[cybele]

Well, two of your kids are legally adults, not children.

In the end, it's developmentally appropriate for teenagers to want to date, what goes on in your home is adult rules HOWEVER you and your wife need to come to an agreement on what you will and will not allow.

I believe that education always trumps sheltering, with no exceptions. Talking about sex and contraception is far more successful in avoiding teen pregnancy than forbidding dating because teenagers are smarter than that, they will go and have sex somewhere else.

Like it or not, you have two adults and a teenager, not three children.

 

[akmom]

So what is going on with the daughter's boyfriend? Is he sneaking over unnoticed, or is he making up stuff to brag to his friends? I wouldn't want a boyfriend who used a public medium like Facebook to soil my reputation. Have you asked your daughter how she feels about that? I mean, does anyone really want to be known as promiscuous (whether it's true or not)?

I agree with Cybele that sheltering is not much of a solution. Maybe your wife realizes that and her laissez-faire approach is really about not having a good alternative - rather than true complacency.

I'd be inclined, as a parent, to have an open dialogue with the daughter about her goals and expectations for a relationship, and her concerns. What does she like about this guy, and what does she not like? All of these questions have answers. She may not want to divulge them, but there are certainly things she doesn't like about him and everyone has relationship concerns. Perhaps she even has concerns about his Facebook posts. Teenage pregnancy and soiled reputation might be concerns you have... who knows, maybe they're hers too... and worth bringing up.

Adolescents are pretty much adults without the responsibilities and freedoms. Kind of a social invention, making parenting tricky. Naturally they value their autonomy more than good decision-making, so getting that dialogue going is probably going to be better at getting her to think about and address potential problems than trying to "force" her. If you've already put her on the defensive, then maybe Mom is in a unique position to initiate the dialogue. Talk to her about it and see if you can encourage her to start that dialogue.

I don't think you're wrong. I think you're just being a good dad. I also wouldn't assume your wife disagrees as much as it seems. She is probably just trying to preserve the relationship.

 

[Shaun Austin]

Kevin I would probably be exactly the same if Maddie (my daughter) was that age. Unfortunately however she isn't and I don't have another daughter. I agree with Cybele however there isn't anything wrong with you wanting to protect your daughter but sometimes the best way to do this is educate on safe sex. I have two teenage boys aged 17 and 16 my 16 year old is in a relationship he is not aloud to have sex in our house (as he is now old enough here in the UK) the reason being not so much because I want to protect him but because I don't want him making the same mistakes i did. (I lost it before I got married and nearly had a child at 17 the girl had a miscarriage). Maybe a rule like that would help and explain why - they will thank you one day.

 

[cybele]

Kevin... did you vote on your own poll that your wife and daughter are more wrong? :laugh: