12 y.o. daughter text messages - discipline question...

[powermixx]

My daughter has a cell phone and text (only) message allowed. I've told her that (as her parent) at any time, I can request to see her phone. And I can review her text messages if I decide to. She has a limit of 750 messages monthly.

In the past, she has been caught sneeking on MySpace (an account her mother and I didn't know about). That was quickly disabled. She now has site restrictions on her browser - on the computer. And we caught her writing inappropriate messages on her phone in the past.

So I have history here that concerns me.

I just looked at her phone for a picture (bluetooth) related issue. I decided to look at her text message history and it's wiped out. She did that in the past - and she says she always does it. Well she always does it now because I caught her speaking to boys in a sexual manner. I told her to write messages with the understanding that I or her mother can view them at any time.

And (a few months ago) I told her if she clears them out, I would punish her for doing that. Well, I just found a history of zero - and she has sent over 700 this month.

So I'm asking for advice on how I should discipline her for once again hiding her tracks again. She has been spending the night lately at several friends houses, and I'm concerned that she is beginning to head down a rough path.

Any advice on how I should punish her for deleting messages - when I told her not to? My idea - she zero'd her messages, so no text messages allowed for next month. Easy. Right? Thoughts?

 

[AmyBelle]

Theres no reason for a 12yr old to have a phone in the first place. And 750 messages is an insane amount.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I would revoke her texting privileges as well. I don't know who your provider is, but I would also make a trip to their retail location and ask them about parental controls and get instruction on how to use them.

If you give her the privilege of texting again, check her phone against the bill. If ANYTHING is deleted, then revoke the privilege again. If it still happens after that, take away the phone. If you need her to have a phone so she can get in touch with you or vice versa, downgrade her to a Firefly or similar phone that is very very basic (she will be horrified to have to carry it around).

As far as spending the night at friends houses, that is also under your control. Do you know these people and their parents? Are you sure she is staying where she says she is? Sounds like she is pretty sneaky for a 12 year old. I would be worried too. Get a hold on this NOW before she gets older and things really get out of control.

She has to <I>earn</I> your trust. It isn't a given right that she has and she is proving herself to be untrustworthy and there should be consequences associated.

I don't think you have to worry about being 'mean' to her. She is very young and she simply is not mature enough to make all the decisions on her own. She is headed down the wrong path and it is your job to be her guardian not her friend. Of course, it would be great if you could be both, but I suspect that she will be very unhappy with you if you take away her privileges. But your #1 job is to make sure she is safe and learns how to make good decisions on her own.

 

[IADad]

Theres no reason for a 12yr old to have a phone in the first place.

Really? My 8 yo has had one for two years. He handles it very responsibly and I think having started using it early he MAY be a little more responsible with it come the pre-tee.teen years. Having a way for him to contact us in an emergency, having a way for him to contacct someone if he gets scared walking from the bus, just the deterrent factor of him walking with his phone out, is worth something. How many stories do we hear about abducted kids being able to use their phones to get help.

I'm not saying every kid should have one, I just think there are perfetly valid reasons for kids to have them and we have to teach them to use them resonsibly.

 

[IADad]

now as to the OP...

I think revoking text priviledges for a month seems fair.. You made the rule pretty clear, it's clear she broke it. I agree with StJJ's comment that her message count in the future has to match the bill. You have the right and a certain amount of responsibility for her actions. This is an excellent learning opportunity about rights and responsibilities. I don't think I'd block texting. Put the repsonibility on her to not text for the prescribed amount of time. You get the bill, you can see what she's done when.

Now, as for texting to boys with sexual content messages...I wonder about this. I mean how many of us may not have had coversations that contained sexual comment with our peers in person. Sure it was inappropriate too, but we got away with it because there's no paper trail. So, I really struggle wiht where to draw that line. Just forbidding her to text in any sexual manner at all isn't teaching her responsibility, it's just forcing her to sneak her conversations elsewhere. But again, I don't know how you say,"Honey, this conversation's okay but this one isn't..." sorry, i really don't know what I'd do with that one.

 

[Father_0f_7]

I pretty much agree with everyone else. Revoke the text messaging for a while. Maybe downgrade from 750.

I don't know if the time she texts or talks is an issue as well but just thought I would throw this out there. Depending on what carrier you have, you can call the carrier and put a block on her calls and text to a certain time. For example if you don't want her to be calling or texting anyone after 8:00 then you can make it so she will only be able to call/text the people you say (or no one) after that time.

With my 9 year olds we have that. They have 200 text messages/month. They can't call or text anyone except me or my wife after 7:00 on weekdays and on weekends they can't call or text anyone except me, my wife, or my two oldest sons after 9:00.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Theres no reason for a 12yr old to have a phone in the first place. And 750 messages is an insane amount.

Totally agree.

 

[powermixx]

To all that replied,

Thank you so much. We do have blocked times (AT&amp;T Smart Limits) when she can/can't MAKE calls/text. But AT&amp;T can't prevent incoming calls/text. Her phone is <U>disabled</U> during school and between 9pm and 5am. It's less restrictive on weekends.

Our whole phone plan may change too - as I am paying too much for 3 mobile phones per month. I'm evaluating carriers/phones/plans now. And I am considering NO PHONE for her.

Thank you again for the kind input. I really appreciate the comments.

 

[sbattisti]

My son is 15, and we've run into some similar issues, although mainly in the sense that he is "sneaking around the rules." I've struggled too with how to address this. In my case it's been things like using the computer or texting after he's supposed to be asleep.

This is such a tough area. You simply cannot "control" a teenager, particularly when it comes to "data". You can catch her sneaking onto MySpace, and restrict her home computer. She'll just use it when she's out with friends or at their houses. More and more of her friends will have internet-capable phones, too. You can monitor her texts, and she'll just e-mail them instead and delete the e-mails. In other words, it's sort of like the car thief thing. You can make it difficult for her, but you CAN'T stop her from doing those things.

The more important thing, then, is how to bridge this gap between what she feels is appropriate and what YOU feel is acceptable. Clearly, you're not on the same page, or you wouldn't be having this problem. Ultimately, I there being three things you can do, and you probably want to do all of them:

1. Focus your efforts on trying to make her understand WHY MySpace/sexting/whatever is a bad idea. Like about the sexting (and god forbid, pictures?) - walk through scenarios with her. How would she feel if she lost her phone, and someone found the naughty messages? What if they posted it publicly for other people to see? What if she mistakenly sent a sexy text to the WRONG person?? Try to get her to understand what the impact of that sort of thing could be. The more you can get her to think about these things on her own, the more she may internalize it, rather than just deliberately do it because mom and dad say she shouldn't.

2. Understand that ultimately she will need to make her own choices and deal with the consequences. Your job is to do your best to enable her to make good decisions. But you cannot prevent things from happening.

3. If you want to continue to monitor, I think that's fine, but I do think that the more draconian your monitoring/punishment becomes, the more that's going to push her away from you and make her want to rebel. I distinctly think that it will NOT make her think about changing her behavior. I'm not saying you shouldn't punish. I think the case you've described deserves punishment. I'm not just convinced that watching over her like a hawk is likely to produce the best results.

Personally, with my son, I go with the threat of monitoring, but I don't often actually monitor and punish him. I like to periodically mention it to him, like "I'm going to check out your messages this weekend." I deliberately don't follow through on some of those. The point isn't to catch him in the act. It's to get him to continue to think about what's the right thing to be doing.

The thing is - I have no idea how successful this is! He's a good kid, and says all of the right things, but you can't prove a negative. I've never caught him sexting, or drinking, or smoking, or cutting school. That doesn't mean he hasn't. It just mean I haven't caught him yet!

I'd be very interested to see how this goes. Please let us know!

~S

 

[Xero]

I think I remember somebody saying that there is a setting on some phones where you have to put in a pass code in order to delete messages. That would be a good place to start. I also think she should have her phone/texting taken away for awhile until she can prove she is mature enough to handle it. If she continues with the sexual texts and the shady behavior I would take the texting off all together though, but that's just me. I would definitely at least make it so that she can't delete them without a pass code.

That having been said, my son will have a cell phone as soon as he is old enough to figure it out.

 

[IADad]

1. Focus your efforts on trying to make her understand WHY MySpace/sexting/whatever is a bad idea. Like about the sexting (and god forbid, pictures?) - walk through scenarios with her. How would she feel if she lost her phone, and someone found the naughty messages? What if they posted it publicly for other people to see? What if she mistakenly sent a sexy text to the WRONG person?? Try to get her to understand what the impact of that sort of thing could be. The more you can get her to think about these things on her own, the more she may internalize it, rather than just deliberately do it because mom and dad say she shouldn't.


~S

I agree with a lot of your post - the threatened monitoring without following through I wrestle with a bit. It seems like setting an example of not following through. I undertand the motive behind it and maybe if I were going to do it, I'd say on occassion, "remember I can check you texts anytime", or "there isn't anything on your phone/browser history etc. you don't want me to see is there?"

I pulled out the one point above because I fully agree with the action, but I wonder about the effectiveness. Doesn't the inherent "Teen indestructability" come into play, the same thing that makes kids who know smoking is bad start becasue "they'll never get the habit." or drive too fast, because unlike the other teenage idots who die, "they're a good driver..." so how do you combat the "That'll never happen to me attitude? I'm thinking presenting plausible situations rather than big scary things, so not that some child molester is going to stalk you but more that "what happens when you send that naughty picture to grandma by mistake...?"

If you think about it, teenage years are all about sneaking, the trick is not to push the boundaries too far to get caught or get hurt/into trouble. I don't know whether my parents were that good at what they didi, or I was inherently good/smart enough, I just don't know.

 

[sbattisti]

maybe if I were going to do it, I'd say on occassion, "remember I can check you texts anytime", or "there isn't anything on your phone/browser history etc. you don't want me to see is there?"

This is really what I meant. I have checked up on him on occasion - enough to let him know that I really might do it (follow through). But, I don't demand it in the sense of "OK, it's Friday, turn over your cell phone for scrutiny!!" so that he feels he's living in a police state.

 

[chikygrl13]

I believe there is a way that you can block/restrict all incoming and outgoing numbers. My boyfriend and I are looking into blocking his daughter's phone (she's also 13) so that she can ONLY send text messages to me or her dad. I don't know if we can restrict her phone so that she can't recieve messages from anyone but us either.

 

[mindyabbruzzi]

Perhaps redirect your efforts entirely. Rather than fostering a relationship of "catching" her, what if she felt comfortable telling you what was going on in her life? "I like this boy, I was texting him because I want him to like me too, and I want to hang out with him." She can either do it secretively, or, she can feel comfortable enough inviting him to your house where you can keep your eye on them.

Maybe you share a phone with her, and she has to ask you permission to take it, for example when going to a school basketball game or going to a friends house or something?

 

[JessicaMadison]

I basically agree with everyone else. I don't know where I stand with kids and cell phones. I think they are a good idea in a case of emergency. But I also think they are too young to have them before the age of 14. My daughter Alexis knows lots of kids who have cell phones. I guess it's pretty normal these days. But I will not allow her to have one until she's 14 years old. I do have calling cards for her for payphones in case of an emergency. Anyways!

Honestly, I think you should take the phone away from her. If you're paying way too much and she's causing problems with it. If she's not following the rules then just save your money and take it away. Really follow through with it or else she'll never learn. Get a new phone for her when she shows enough maturity. Maybe do pay as you go too so you won't spend a crazy amount when she goes over her text limit. You should also make her do household jobs to earn some money for her phone bill. Especially when she goes overboard! That will be good for her in the future she will learn responsibility from that! My kids got cell phones when they were 14 and they did have limits but my husband and I payed for them. But when they turned 16, I started making them pay half of the bill each month to teach them responsibility. They could chip out of their allowance or just get jobs. And now my son who is on his own with a daughter of his own is very responsible with his bills. Good luck! Hope I helped a bit!

 

[Daddie]

I can't relate to people who say "I don't know what I would do" when talking about their own child or even someone else's. That's probably because I was raised by a man who never had that thought, or at least never exhibited that behaviour. He was always ahead of us. By that, I mean he either instinctively knew, or had already planned for the possibility of such action by us. When I look back, it's really not that difficult to duplicate his patterns (that worked very effectively, I might add) For this, I picture him revoking phone for at least one year. And he would have made that decision in one second. Then, the chores would start. (or rather increase) She would not have a free minute for at least 2 months. She would do all the laundry, all the dishes, no sleepovers, period, clean the bathrooms....it would be non stop. He would also have a conversation with the boy and their parents, separately, and together. He played no games when it came to matters as important as you laid out. He loved his kids too much. And he showed it every day, and communicated it every day of his life. I should point out, also, I've never known someone who was funnier, or who had a better sense of humor. Too many stories to count. A great man. His example made my parenting of my daughter (now 18) soo much easier.

He also would start showing her a lot more attention and affection. He believed that most children do these types of things just to get their parents' attention. They want to know they are loved by their parents. Kids want security from their parents Kids want structure from their parents. She got your attention. Around 12-13 dads tend to pull away from their daughters to "give them space". I believe it's an often fatal mistake. They need you more than they ever did. Even though they'll never tell you.

 

[family1113]

12 years old is an early age to have texting but it seems like all kids that age have it now. You are a thoughtful parent. But if she is displaying stubborn behavior like that, it may be a good idea to revoke her texting.

 

[IADad]

Really Daddie? Can't relate to people who are being honest that they may not have the perfect solution for every situation immediately at hand? Can't relate to people who come here looking for perspective? But maybe I can't relate to you, because you've told us nothing about yourself or your perspective or even shared what you'd do. We know what your dad would have done. Why don't you drop by the introduction thread and tell us a little bit about yourself?

Now, on your post, I agree with you comments in general about security and structure but virtually completely reject most of what your father would have done. It sounds much more like breaking a horse than preparing a child to be responsible.

 

[Xero]

It sounds much more like breaking a horse than preparing a child to be responsible.

Yeah.

 

[Jordy]

and times have changed... my grandmother took my father outside and tied him to a dog chain once for being rude. it sure worked. he was never rude to her again.. would i do it??? <U>NO I WOULD NOT</U>