So a little background first. I do not have children of my own but I come from a large family. My husbands 15 year old daughter just moved in with us full time in June. She has a 16 year old boyfriend who she started seeing before she moved in. Anyway they've been together for 6 months now. She requested getting on the pill and as much as her dad didn't want to do it it's better to be safe than sorry so he took her to the doctor and got her on the pill. So anyway yesterday her boyfriend was over and my husband had to work and I also had my niece's birthday to go to so he told her that she and her boyfriend would have to babysit her younger brothers for a few hours. The rule in our house is that they are not permitted to go to her bedroom and were told to stay in the living room and keep an eye on the 10 and 7 year old brothers. Prior to me leaving I told them to stay on the couch and that either her dad or I would be popping in on them to checkup. Well I did pop in an hour after leaving and the backdoor was locked. I knew immediately what was up. When I came in I asked the 7 year old where they were as they were not in the living room and he said they went downstairs to cuddle. I was furious. I yelled downstairs for them to get upstairs right flippin now and they did not respond. I asked the 7 year old how long they had been down there and ge said it had only been a minute. I went downstairs and her bedroom door was shut. I banged on the door and yelled that they get the *bleep* upstairs right now to which she responded ok and they sat in the living room to which I proceeded to ask if they were really that stupid to do this while babysitting to which she replied "yeah". I called her dad and made him come home to deal with it as I try not to overstep my bounds as a stepmom. I then went back into the living to sit and wait. Neither of them would even raise their heads to look at me. This is the first time I ever yelled at her. The boyfriend got taken home and I went to my niece's party. Upon returning the teenager was in lockdown in her room. When dad went down to tell her dinner was ready she told him that she didn't want to face me. I told him that I felt badly for losing a grip and he had told her that I wasn't mad at her but that I was disappointed and that I wanted to apologize and she was shocked at that and said why would she apologize and he told her because I used an explicit word when I told them to get upstairs. I did and I felt horrible about that. She finally came up and the awkwardness was gone instantly as we do have a very good relationship. He does think that I over reacted a bit I yelling as I did but it all happened so quickly and I don't yet have the skills of a parent to react in any other way than I did. How could I have better handled that situation? I want her to respect me as a mother and to abide by the rules and not walk all over me because I am too nice at times and being a stepmom I don't have the same authority as dad. As I see it she is my daughter and she needs a good female role model to teach her what has been neglected to be taught. I told her yesterday morning prior to this boyfriend mishap that we would go shopping to look at homecoming dresses and I was going to cancel that but it may be the perfect opportunity to have a talk with her.
15 year old daughter and sex...
- Thread starter Stepmum
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Also I should add that I was more upset to the fact that we trusted her to be good and watch the boys for the short time that we were away. What if one of the boys went in her room in the middle of something? This was very irresponsible in my opinion and it broke the trust that we placed in her. It just showed me that I should have followed my instinct and not trusted her to be responsible enough to not do something so stupid. That brings about another issue of if she isn't responsible enough to know that this was not a good time to have sex then is she responsible enough to have safe sex? I don't like this at all and I am not comfortable with her having sex �� in our house but then again I don't want to worry about them fooling around somewhere icky either. Life was so much more simple before I became a mother figure!!!
I would be focusing more on not watching her brothers honestly, do you know if she was actually having sex? If the 7yr old was somewhat correct on his timing chances are it didn't get that far anyway, if it was going to go that far, they may have just gone downstairs to make out.
For the question of "is she responsible enough to have safe sex" wasn't she the one who requested to go on the pill in the first place? Is there a chance that she is a bit more aware than you are giving her credit for?
For the question of "is she responsible enough to have safe sex" wasn't she the one who requested to go on the pill in the first place? Is there a chance that she is a bit more aware than you are giving her credit for?
One of the most humiliating things that could possible happen is that you get '<I>caught</I>' by one of the parents! She must have been mortified, and him as well. The next time you 'catch' them (and you probably will) make it a point NOT to over react. That's the only way you can show them that you're trying to change and adapt to the situation.
Of course in the future, if you don't want hanky panky going on, you should set limits as to when the boy can come over, and maybe babysitting the other kids isn't the right time. I'm not surprised they were fooling around.
The other thing you should try <I>not</I> to do is pit the brother against her, When he tells on her, she will get mad at him for that, and he will feel like a trader. It's just not right to put him in the middle. I would have asked him to go to his room for a , than I probably would have just waited until she came back upstairs, asked the boy to leave and had a serious talk to her about responsibility.
I would have been more upset by the fact that she wasn't watching the little ones, other than she was having sex. Don't forget she now has permission by dad to do it because he allowed her to get birth control pills, so the sex part is out in the open as far as she's concerned.
Again, rules and limits need to be set and explained to her with love, not resentment.
I guess you'll have to prepare ahead of time how you will react in the future. Good luck
Of course in the future, if you don't want hanky panky going on, you should set limits as to when the boy can come over, and maybe babysitting the other kids isn't the right time. I'm not surprised they were fooling around.
The other thing you should try <I>not</I> to do is pit the brother against her, When he tells on her, she will get mad at him for that, and he will feel like a trader. It's just not right to put him in the middle. I would have asked him to go to his room for a , than I probably would have just waited until she came back upstairs, asked the boy to leave and had a serious talk to her about responsibility.
I would have been more upset by the fact that she wasn't watching the little ones, other than she was having sex. Don't forget she now has permission by dad to do it because he allowed her to get birth control pills, so the sex part is out in the open as far as she's concerned.
Again, rules and limits need to be set and explained to her with love, not resentment.
I guess you'll have to prepare ahead of time how you will react in the future. Good luck
Nancy has wise advice. This girl has NO business doing this at all, at 15 years old, much less doing it at your house while <I>on the job</I>, watching the kids! This would infuriate me.
Exactly, to both points.
I read that kids' brains are not "done" until about age 23, and having teens myself as well as being friends with other parents of teens, goodness...they are right about this! It doesn't matter how highly intelligent the child, he/she will do stupid things. So we have to explain things to them that are so blatantly obvious to us that we can't believe it.
I would have been mad about both things honestly. One, out of respect my children know not to have sex in my house. Now as adults in committed relationships things may change. Two, I leave my older kids in charge to babysit, they better be on the job the whole time.
Now I do agree that I wouldn't focus on the act, so much as what my expectations are. She was 'punished' when she was caught (anyone's worst nightmare lol).
Now I do agree that I wouldn't focus on the act, so much as what my expectations are. She was 'punished' when she was caught (anyone's worst nightmare lol).
Mom2many this is exactly what bothers me! Everything about it was wrong. My instinct was that she can't handle the responsibility of watching the boys and keeping her hormones in check at the same time. I feel her dad is naive to allow the boy to come over. I mean you're asking for trouble. He did "give her a license" to have sex but he doesn't want her to use it. I bet she is confused about the whole thing but she should have known better than to do what she did. I need to remember that she doesn't use the same judgement as I would. She has gotten mixed signals and I need to interject when dad allows a situation that he doesn't want to happen. I knew this was all bad....that's why I popped in to make sure all was hunky dory. Next time I am going to listen to my instinct and let him know when he is asking for trouble in a situation! As I said I am new to this parenting thing and I have a lot to learn and I thank you all for giving me your thoughts as I have taken a little something from each response.
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She hasn't even reached the age of consent. It doesn't sound like she is ready to be left alone with her boyfriend.
We have had the same issues with Sam. We have already told Sam and now Callum that sex is not permitted in our house. We have a rule for other stuff as well 'if you don't want mum and dad to see what you're doing its probably not wise to do it in the house.' They usually follow however we had an issue with Sam over at his girlfriends house that was quite similar to yours without the brothers. Talking of which I'm glad to say both of our older boys are quite good when left to look after Cam and Maddie however we have a rule of no girlfriends in the house when we're out unless we can trust both of them
Stepmum, you did exactly the right thing. You scaired the hell out of her, I feel a healthy dose of fear can go a long way. You went easy on her and the boy friend. I would have made the boyfriend pee his pants. You see, I hold the males more responsible. I was a teen boy and recall going through every effort to convince a girl to let me do what hormonal boys do. Most girls say no, but give in.
i don't wan't my kids to grow up 
seriously though i think everyone has said everything that can be said, i my eldest is nearly 4 so i have no real experience in this but what i can tell you is that i was already a mum when i was 17 and that only happened because i was given the opportunities but not the education.. i wish i could help more
seriously though i think everyone has said everything that can be said, i my eldest is nearly 4 so i have no real experience in this but what i can tell you is that i was already a mum when i was 17 and that only happened because i was given the opportunities but not the education.. i wish i could help more
As far as I know, the only thing fear is going to do is convince teenagers to work harder at covering their tracks and not getting caught.ikon99 said:
Not exactly the right objective, IMO...
Here is my train of thought. I don't speed because I am afraid of getting a ticket. And my five year old is afraid of heights, so she will not go near a second floor railing. I don't have teens yet. But I don't feel they will try and cover their tracks d/t fear. They will cover their tracks anyways.parentastic said: