We adopted our now 17yr old son when he was 4 months old and he was always a strong willed child who just wants his way and is very demanding. We are not permissive parents but we did give him a lot of attention and now not sure if this was right or wrong. Since my husband had a stable job I quit my job to be with him the first few years. Although he was intense he had a close relationship with us and can be loving when he wants - there are certain lines he will not cross. The past 2 years his level of disrespect has gone up - he used to argue and fight when we placed any restriction on him but when he turned 16 it all went a notch up and now he is extremely mean, putting us down especially me (mother), telling us that he wished we didn't adopt him, hopes that we are dead, hates our culture, and that we are too overprotective. Once he was so angry he broke things in his room and we had to call the police. He only behaves this way with us - he is fine in school and socially well adjusted. When he was in middle school and we told the psychiatrist that he may have ADHD and/oppositional defiance (since he was also hyperactive and had trouble focusing), they said he behaved well in school and hence cannot give him that diagnosis. I still think he does have the oppositional defiance but knows how to keep it in check with others. We just found that he stole money from us and bought the most recent IPod (he had an older one) blamed it on his brother. The only thing that has changed in the past year is his need to get attention from girls and spends a lot of time texting, and in social media with them. From what I have overheard it looks like he is trying to score with many girls as possible. We are concerned with his lack of respect to us and his attitude towards girls and at a loss as to where this may be coming from.... any advice? One of my friends mentioned that her son started being disrespectful to her when he found girls. Please advice on this issue?
17 yr old son disrespectful...
- Thread starter hnissa
- Start date
I don't have teen children yet, but I'm going to reply since no one else has.
I remember being that age, and although I didn't feel I was disrespectful to my parents, they did. I think it's just that a 17-year-old is all but grown up and naturally desires independence. I didn't want to offend them or disappoint them, but at the same time, was tired of being home, tired of their rules, tired of following their routines - which were often arbitrary and inconvenient, and lacking insight - and just wanted my own space and responsibilities. I moved out the fall after graduation and it went well. Our relationship improved as a long-distance one.
You put a lot of emphasis on what you did when he was younger (giving him attention). That is what he needed when he was younger, but... it's not the same as what a 17-year-old needs. Attention is very low on the list. Because you're struggling with defiance now, it's easy to remember that one trait culminating over the years. But I suspect it was not as serious as you now remember it to have been.
It's hard to piece together the whole picture from one paragraph, obviously. But the things he is saying - "hates your culture," "hates your overprotectiveness" - might lend insights. There are so many aspects of guidance that we give our kids, but some of them become irrelevant as we get older. I guess at age 17, there is not too much you can teach him about your culture, so if it bugs him, maybe lay off? Overprotective is also suspicious. Is your way of being "overprotective" age appropriate? Are you making him wear a coat when it's chilly, or just forcing him to go to school? Because he's probably old enough to decide how to dress, but it's important that you push him to graduate... for example.
To a large degree, he is who he is going to be at this age. General concepts like "respect for women" are taught younger, and nagging about vague concepts like that to a 17-year-old (especially when they are mere gut reactions to rumor) probably can't provoke any positive change. So in the scope of choosing your battles, maybe drop that one, or approach it more simply. Such as... this is our philosophy about how men should treat women, and here's why. Then drop it. You can't force it at this age, and nagging him about it won't inspire him to think about what you said. Bringing up examples or rumors about him won't either. I think you're better of to say what you're afraid of and let him make of it what he will.
Let him know that he is responsible for his decisions and you don't intend to bail him out or finance his choices, but otherwise understand he is all but an adult and respect his choices as his own. ...Just my opinion as a former teen. Good luck!
I remember being that age, and although I didn't feel I was disrespectful to my parents, they did. I think it's just that a 17-year-old is all but grown up and naturally desires independence. I didn't want to offend them or disappoint them, but at the same time, was tired of being home, tired of their rules, tired of following their routines - which were often arbitrary and inconvenient, and lacking insight - and just wanted my own space and responsibilities. I moved out the fall after graduation and it went well. Our relationship improved as a long-distance one.
You put a lot of emphasis on what you did when he was younger (giving him attention). That is what he needed when he was younger, but... it's not the same as what a 17-year-old needs. Attention is very low on the list. Because you're struggling with defiance now, it's easy to remember that one trait culminating over the years. But I suspect it was not as serious as you now remember it to have been.
It's hard to piece together the whole picture from one paragraph, obviously. But the things he is saying - "hates your culture," "hates your overprotectiveness" - might lend insights. There are so many aspects of guidance that we give our kids, but some of them become irrelevant as we get older. I guess at age 17, there is not too much you can teach him about your culture, so if it bugs him, maybe lay off? Overprotective is also suspicious. Is your way of being "overprotective" age appropriate? Are you making him wear a coat when it's chilly, or just forcing him to go to school? Because he's probably old enough to decide how to dress, but it's important that you push him to graduate... for example.
To a large degree, he is who he is going to be at this age. General concepts like "respect for women" are taught younger, and nagging about vague concepts like that to a 17-year-old (especially when they are mere gut reactions to rumor) probably can't provoke any positive change. So in the scope of choosing your battles, maybe drop that one, or approach it more simply. Such as... this is our philosophy about how men should treat women, and here's why. Then drop it. You can't force it at this age, and nagging him about it won't inspire him to think about what you said. Bringing up examples or rumors about him won't either. I think you're better of to say what you're afraid of and let him make of it what he will.
Let him know that he is responsible for his decisions and you don't intend to bail him out or finance his choices, but otherwise understand he is all but an adult and respect his choices as his own. ...Just my opinion as a former teen. Good luck!
Wanting to get attention from girls is a very normal want for a 17yr old boy.
Damaging things and stealing, that's simply not on, regardless of how you feel about your adoptive parents, that's basic respect, but think about the things he is saying, do you feel you are too overprotective? What does he mean by the references to your culture?
Damaging things and stealing, that's simply not on, regardless of how you feel about your adoptive parents, that's basic respect, but think about the things he is saying, do you feel you are too overprotective? What does he mean by the references to your culture?
Your son's need to get attention from girls seems normal. His need to become independent is normal as well. He has an added tool to use however. He can use the fact that he was adopted and really hurt you. Part of this is a way for him to try to find himself. He might also know that he is being difficult and is using the adoption as a way to ask for reassurance that he deserves your love and attention.
If this was my son, I would find a really good male family therapist specializing in adoption issues. Six sessions with a great therapist could make a great difference for all of you. I say this because you say that your son behaves well with others, and has a problem with respecting you and your rules. A good therapist would help you set appropriate boundaries and would give your son a chance to speak to an outsider who will not judge him.
At the same time I would create an environment at home that is warm, attentive but basic. This means that your expectations are firm and simple. Your messages clear without using too many words. Kids this age cannot take long sermons from mom and dad. Their brains are going through major changes and their lives are stressful. Stealing is not OK. Whatever money he stole has to be paid back with chores or savings with interest. Stealing is common among kids but should never be tolerated.
Also, some adoptive parents sometimes act as though they are applying for the parenting position. They work so hard at proving to themselves (and their child) that they deserve the child they adopted that they try too hard to fulfill the needs of the child and by doing so they place a burden on themselves and their child. I am not saying this is the case here but I hope you know that you have the right to live in a home where you set the rules and where you are the leader.
Also, this is a time when dads become very important in a boy's life. Is it possible for the father to take on more of the parenting?
This will probably pass. Boys usually calm down by the time they reach 25. This is when the part of the brain that deals with high functioning reasoning and delayed gratification develops. While you wait for this to take place, do your best to prepare him for adulthood by making sure you stay strong, calm and take care of yourself. By taking care of yourself, you will find the strength to best care for him.
If this was my son, I would find a really good male family therapist specializing in adoption issues. Six sessions with a great therapist could make a great difference for all of you. I say this because you say that your son behaves well with others, and has a problem with respecting you and your rules. A good therapist would help you set appropriate boundaries and would give your son a chance to speak to an outsider who will not judge him.
At the same time I would create an environment at home that is warm, attentive but basic. This means that your expectations are firm and simple. Your messages clear without using too many words. Kids this age cannot take long sermons from mom and dad. Their brains are going through major changes and their lives are stressful. Stealing is not OK. Whatever money he stole has to be paid back with chores or savings with interest. Stealing is common among kids but should never be tolerated.
Also, some adoptive parents sometimes act as though they are applying for the parenting position. They work so hard at proving to themselves (and their child) that they deserve the child they adopted that they try too hard to fulfill the needs of the child and by doing so they place a burden on themselves and their child. I am not saying this is the case here but I hope you know that you have the right to live in a home where you set the rules and where you are the leader.
Also, this is a time when dads become very important in a boy's life. Is it possible for the father to take on more of the parenting?
This will probably pass. Boys usually calm down by the time they reach 25. This is when the part of the brain that deals with high functioning reasoning and delayed gratification develops. While you wait for this to take place, do your best to prepare him for adulthood by making sure you stay strong, calm and take care of yourself. By taking care of yourself, you will find the strength to best care for him.
Thanks you so much for all your feedback. It really helps to get another perspective. Maybe in some ways we are over protective and need to back off but then sometimes we let him go off the hook when he should be made responsible for his actions. However he is very manipulative and we have to find ways not to give in to his tactics. Thank You