18yr old "boy" growing up & college...

[CinderCat]

My stepson is 18, turning 19 in August. We have a decent relationship that's been in existence for 11+ years. His dad is Navy and is on deployment for at least a year, so my stepson lives with just me. We pay for most everything, including college. He has a car to use, which is in my name. All we require of him is good grades in college and get a part time job and we'll continue paying for college/food/shelter/etc.

He started college Fall '09 and failed miserably the first semester (less than a 1.0). He had gotten involved with a fraternity there and supposedly they promote study skills and need a GPA of 2.6 at least to remain in the frat. Unfortunately, all he seemed to take away from the experience was the partying and socializing. We told him one more semester to turn it around and then he has to figure out for himself what he wants to do because we'll pull the plug on the free ride. The frat has him "on hold" or some such nonsense due to the GPA. He still doesn't have a job...seems to be looking a little harder now that I refuse to pay for anything except the essentials. If he wants to go out, he can. If he wants to stay out I ask that he let me know before 11pm so he's not waking my ass up. He doesn't do that one very well. I ask him to clean up some parts of the house since he's still living there off our dime. It's usually a fight to get him to do that each week.
Basically, he's lazy in doing anything that isn't going to immediately gratify him directly. I'm not surprised by it, but I am annoyed and frustrated by the lack of respect and the self-centered behavior. I know he drinks, and I've caught him smoking pot in my house. I confiscated everything on that one, got rid of it and read him the riot act. He seems to be taking things a little more seriously this semester, but I'm having a hard time convincing myself that he's putting in enough effort to actually turn it around. This is thousands of dollars on the line and he doesn't seem to appreciate any of what we are doing. Is this where I have to cross my fingers and hope for the best? Or, is there something glaringly wrong that his father and I are doing or not doing? Do we have to let him fall on his face and learn the hard way?...because that seems to be the direction he's heading. Are we making it too easy for him?

 

[bssage]

It sounds like your playing poker, matching the pot, and hoping the last card is a ace.

IMO I think you should pull the plug now. Today. I dont think this can be turned around with a 20 minute conversation. IMHO

After that is done maybe you can revisit college next year. Make a statement that makes clear how serious this is.

 

[AmyBelle]

Just my own opinion here, but one thing that I think will always be a surefire fail is when someone goes 'we will pay for everything, provide you with everything and all you have to do is get good grades"

I think thats just a huge cop out.

As long as you keep treating him like a kid he's going to act like one, if he wants a car, he should go and get his own car, if he wants to go to college, then its up to him to find some money and study on his own accord. If he wants to not clean, then he can go and not clean his own place.

 

[Choppy]

This sounds like a classic case of the kid who's riding on a free scholarship from the Bank of Mumandad. I've known a few of those. Essentially, because they have the freedom to party without consequence - they do. And unfortunately it's rare (although possible) for these people to turn it around.

I understand your desire to invest in your stepson, but at this point, your money could be put to better use. Continuing to support him could potentially do more harm than good.

I would have to suggest that you explain to him that to this point he hasn't demonstrated that he's serious about college and until he does, he's cut off. Further, specifically define serious as (for example) a full course load for a full year finishing with an average of at least 3.0 with NO fraternity life and NO drugs.

And yes, that means a year of paying for it himself - even if he has to take out a student loan and get a job to do it.

 

[Aunt]

amybelle the college money thing is a tricky thing here as most families have to find the money. There is no hecs or whatever you guys call it. So this is a common tension for families with students.
I think the best way to deal with this is not give him any more money. Not even for necssities. He has food and shelter at home so if he wants fun he needs to pay for it. Wait and see about the grades you agreed to the semester afterall but make lazyness less comfortable.

 

[IADad]

Okay, this is just my opinion:

First, have you qunatified what doing better this semester means and what exactly pulling the plug means? I think you need to be clear. We expect you to get a job by "xx" date. We expect your semester GPA to be a minimum of X.X. If either of thes two things don't happen you will be needing to find a place to live by June 1 and if you plan to go to school in the fall, you'll need to figure it out with financial aid (and I would not take out a PLUS loan for him under those circumstance either..)

Two pretty simple things he needs to do to stay in your good graces for the fall.

 

[CinderCat]

<FONT font="Comic Sans MS"> Thanks for the replies. I've been thinking on this quite a bit. Yes, we've set down specific rules. He will definitely need a job by the time summer comes as well as having grades at or above a 3.0, not an average of 3.0, but all grades need to be a 3.0 or above. He's capable of doing it, I just don't know if he's able to at this time in his life (maturity level). We've told him if he doesn't have a job by the end of this month he will then lose the car and will be using public transportation (bus/trolley). It is cheaper than paying for fueling up the car he uses. He's already lost texting ability on his cell. I don't want to have to take his cell phone, but that is also an option that he is aware of. Booting him out will be difficult, of course, but if he doesn't step up now, he's going to have to figure it out on his own time/dime.

I understand the idea of making it uncomfortable for him by withdrawing the what he considers his due, but are in actuality not necessities. For example, I don't cook for him, I don't do his laundry, but I do provide food and quarters. The only money he gets is for fueling up the car. I don't really want to have to put restrictions down to the point of making him hate his living arrangements and in the process his father and me, but I don't know how uncomfortable I have to get the living arrangements to be in order for him to actually be motivated to step out on his own without us having to kick him out. It's going to require some imagination as summer gets closer. The whole college thing is a definite part of that. We are definitely not taking out loans of any type for his education. We have savings set aside, but aren't going to just throw it away (well...throw anymore away) if he isn't motivated to do well at this time in his life.
It's not like he behaves like an utter jack@ss (can I say that?) all the time and does nothing except loaf around and eat my food. He does help with his split of the household stuff most of the time without complaining. It's just those times when he's not doing it in my time expectations that I can get irritated. And, there are times that he just plain bugs me by breathing my air, but I think that's normal. Our place isn't that big.

Again, thanks to everyone for your thoughts, I appreciate getting all points of view. Wow...babbled a bit more than I thought I would.

<FONT font="Comic Sans MS">&gt;^..^&lt;
CinderCat

 

[magnet901]

Cindercat and all the rest poster, i must say i have the problem with my son, i thought i could give an advice or two then as i read on i realised my methods have been wrong but i am really down with all your ideas. Thanks very much.

 

[dad57]

i have a son the same age,in the same situation and there must be something about the Nvy thing because im old Navy from the 70's. We Just went through a Real Eyeopener as far as letting them think they have no responsibility to anyone but themselves. He met a roomie from his college orientation weekend and went and told us a concocted?sp, fabricated lt\ie that included some of his old hs freinds that we had past good relationships with. Anyway, my EagleSCout,Scholarship earning, working as security gaurd part time son went to this guys home in chrleston,SC which is about 4 hour drive from our home. He told us he was going "canoing" with his other "freinds" and would be staying the night and going straight to work after the trip. So, alls well until we could not get a return call from him after 30 hours and leaving 3-40 voicemessages on his cell phone. FINALLY after he called us--5-7 other of his freinds went looking for hin throught there phones, contacts,etc. with no luck either, so his story comes out to be that he went to this persons family home, misplaced his cellphone for 20hours, etcetcetc, he said it was just a stupid thing he did and he at least got emotional enough after hearing both me and his mother cry telling him how bad it feels thinking your child is really hurt or dead. But as far as thinking your situation is bad--DONT. You cannot control a childs thinking in a mans body--unless he goes off to bootcamp---??? Good Luck to US ALL

 

[The Coach]

I grew up in a lower middle class family. By the time I reached freshman year of high school I realized there was no 'college fund'. I got my first real job at 16. I unloaded trucks at a grocery store at night and on weekends. I made minimum wage. Why was this all a good thing? 1. I was too busy working to get in trouble. 2. My earnings allowed me to save enough cash to pay for 2 years of community college following high school. 3. I worked my rear end off at Community College because I knew how many heavy/dirty boxes I had to move to pay for one class. 4. I didn't want to go back to making minimum wage ever again and I knew the best way to avoid that scenario was to kick into high gear at school. After 3 semesters at CC I applied to Cornell and was accepted. Now I live the good life. I attribute much of my success to the fact that my parents didn't pay my way. You appreciate it a lot more when you earn it.

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