1st loves and break ups.....

[grieving]

My 20 yr old son has been in his first real relationship for the past year.

Apparently he found out she was texting her ex.

And now they are split up. I'm so worried for him because I remember what it's like to be heartbroken. He left the house suddenly last night. I texted him to see where he was and if he was okay. He said he was at a friends house in our area and that he was okay. I told him I was here if he needed to talk.

Now I find out he never made it to work. I'm so worried..

Any advice for me on this?

 

[IADad]

My 20 yr old son has been in his first real relationship for the past year.

Apparently he found out she was texting her ex.

And now they are split up. I'm so worried for him because I remember what it's like to be heartbroken. He left the house suddenly last night. I texted him to see where he was and if he was okay. He said he was at a friends house in our area and that he was okay. I told him I was here if he needed to talk.

Now I find out he never made it to work. I'm so worried..

Any advice for me on this?

My advice is to take a deep breathe, try to keep thinking positive thoughts, about how you raised him,that he's a smart resourceful person and just stay available.

Now, I don't know him, but I'd guess you don't want to suffocate him. I know you hurt for him, but you can't solve this for him.

How odd is it for him not to go to work (does he have a good work record or is it kind of hit and miss?) Maybe he "tied on on" last night and isn't feeling well, maybe they just stayed up all night talking, no reason to assume anything bad. Can you confirm with the friend that he's olay (physically) ?

I don't know the nature of the texts, but this isn't necessarily the end, possibly it's something they can work through.

Hope you find out he's okay and maybe that he seeks you out to share his feelings.

 

[parentastic]

The next time you see him, you could tell him about how it was the first time you had a breakup and how you felt. Name the emotions you recall: "I remember how difficult it was.. it was like the world had stop loving me." and so on. Don't dwell on it too long (it's about him after all) but it might help him realize that you actually know what he is going through. And it will provide him with words to name his emotions, and opens the door for him to tell you more.

If he does tell you more - don't ask questions. Questions are intrusive and might block the communication. Instead, try to reflect back the emotions by telling him what you think his underlying emotions might be.

If he says "I want to punch her!" you reflect back: "You are so angry..."
you see what I mean? This is called <I>active listening</I> and it's the best way to help people who are going through a rough time.

Nicolas, Family Life Educator

 

[grieving]

My advice is to take a deep breathe, try to keep thinking positive thoughts, about how you raised him,that he's a smart resourceful person and just stay available.

Now, I don't know him, but I'd guess you don't want to suffocate him. I know you hurt for him, but you can't solve this for him.

How odd is it for him not to go to work (does he have a good work record or is it kind of hit and miss?) Maybe he "tied on on" last night and isn't feeling well, maybe they just stayed up all night talking, no reason to assume anything bad. Can you confirm with the friend that he's olay (physically) ?

I don't know the nature of the texts, but this isn't necessarily the end, possibly it's something they can work through.

Hope you find out he's okay and maybe that he seeks you out to share his feelings.

Thank you so much. I really do need to do that deep breathing because I'm so anxious and worried. I worry that he did go 'tie one on', and from experience, I know that it makes you feel worse in the morning! I haven't heard from him or his friend yet. And of course I worry because there are so many 'accidents' when drunk.. deadly accidents.

Well, when he told me about the texts, I told him that that was a hard one, but if she was sincere in her apology and he told her how he felt about her texting her ex, then it may take some time for the trust to build, but it could happen if they wanted it to.

Does parenting ever get any easier!!??

 

[grieving]

The next time you see him, you could tell him about how it was the first time you had a breakup and how you felt. Name the emotions you recall: "I remember how difficult it was.. it was like the world had stop loving me." and so on. Don't dwell on it too long (it's about him after all) but it might help him realize that you actually know what he is going through. And it will provide him with words to name his emotions, and opens the door for him to tell you more.

If he does tell you more - don't ask questions. Questions are intrusive and might block the communication. Instead, try to reflect back the emotions by telling him what you think his underlying emotions might be.

If he says "I want to punch her!" you reflect back: "You are so angry..."
you see what I mean? This is called <I>active listening</I> and it's the best way to help people who are going through a rough time.

Nicolas, Family Life Educator

Thanks to you too! I will definitely do that, but truth be told, I never did handle my heartaches very well. But then again, does anyone really? I do have to work on that active listening.. it's so hard when you see your loved one upset though.

 

[parentastic]

Thanks to you too! I will definitely do that, but truth be told, I never did handle my heartaches very well. But then again, does anyone really?

But even that is a good thing to tell your son.
He may wonder, how come it's so damn hard? Shouldn't I be able to handle this easily? So by simply telling him how hard it was for you, and how you didn't handle it very well, he may learn that it's okay to be at a loss.
It gives him the right not to be perfect, the right to suffer and not know how to handle it.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Thats a bit harsh splitting up with someone because who they are texting, a bit immature as well really, surely there is more to it that he isn't telling you.

My son got with his partner when he was 14, they split up for almost six months when they were 17, they're back together and married now though.

 

[grieving]

Thats a bit harsh splitting up with someone because who they are texting, a bit immature as well really, surely there is more to it that he isn't telling you.

My son got with his partner when he was 14, they split up for almost six months when they were 17, they're back together and married now though.

Well.. I guess he is abit immature, it is his first relationship afterall. But at the same time, it's a learning experience.

Update, finally just heard from him! It sounds like he ended up going to her place after going to his buddy's. Sure hope things work out for them.

And thanks again Nicholas..

 

[IADad]

Thank you so much. I really do need to do that deep breathing because I'm so anxious and worried. I worry that he did go 'tie one on', and from experience, I know that it makes you feel worse in the morning! I haven't heard from him or his friend yet. And of course I worry because there are so many 'accidents' when drunk.. deadly accidents.

Well, when he told me about the texts, I told him that that was a hard one, but if she was sincere in her apology and he told her how he felt about her texting her ex, then it may take some time for the trust to build, but it could happen if they wanted it to.

Does parenting ever get any easier!!??

I understand your concern about his safety. A hangover is just a lesson in how not to handle such things, let's hope that's all that's wrong.

People make it through much worse transgressions in relationships, if they want to and can work on it. Not saying they will get past this, but just writing off someone you care about isn't always the best thing either.

I dunno if parenting gets easier, mine are only 9 and 4...so something more for me to look forward to...

 

[jessicams]

I can honestly say that if, even when we were just dating, if my husband had been texting his ex, I would have ended it too. That just seems like a bad situation to get yourself into.

I also know that after my first break-up (I was 17), the last people I wanted to talk to about how I was feeling were my parents. My mom even tried to give me advice and I actually did the opposite just to tick her off (granted I was a little b**** as a teen).

Relationships just aren't something children want to discuss with family typically.

I am glad you heard from him-that would make me worry too.

 

[grieving]

I understand your concern about his safety. A hangover is just a lesson in how not to handle such things, let's hope that's all that's wrong.

People make it through much worse transgressions in relationships, if they want to and can work on it. Not saying they will get past this, but just writing off someone you care about isn't always the best thing either.

I dunno if parenting gets easier, mine are only 9 and 4...so something more for me to look forward to...

Good luck! Actually, in the past year, my mom got sick then my dad needed hip surgery. Just as I thought I was semi-done in worrying about my kids, then I had to help out with my parents.

And.. regarding relationships, well, now that's a whole other topic in itself, eh!?

 

[grieving]

I can honestly say that if, even when we were just dating, if my husband had been texting his ex, I would have ended it too. That just seems like a bad situation to get yourself into.

I also know that after my first break-up (I was 17), the last people I wanted to talk to about how I was feeling were my parents. My mom even tried to give me advice and I actually did the opposite just to tick her off (granted I was a little b**** as a teen).

Relationships just aren't something children want to discuss with family typically.

I am glad you heard from him-that would make me worry too.

Thanks, and omg.. yes, what a relief! I'm not a crier, but I actually cried when he finally called.. haha! I know.. what a sap..

I remember my heartaches.. I cried on my mom's shoulder.. (oops, there it is again, crying! ) haha, honest, I am not usually a crier.. And it sure felt good to have that shoulder, meanwhile, all my mom could do was pat my back and offered some words of consolation.

And, regarding the texting.. wow, that's another notch of experience I have in my belt!

 

[Squishy]

I have a different spin on this.

First, I wonder about your nick? What are you telling us (and yourself, maybe him?). Is there something else going on here that could account for both of your strong reactions to a basically normal life event, like the break up of a first relationship?

Second, can you identify why you're so distraught for him? Sure, we all hate it when our kids suffer ("When they cut themselves, we bleed"). However, at twenty, he should have the awareness that pool of love can be deep, and the coping skills to pull himself out and manage the inevitable disappointment. And, as his dad, you should have that perspective, too.

Kids react to us, we react to them. But, it's always best when that reaction is based on current events, not either our own unique perceptions or experiences of them b/c of out own circumstance, or some other issues we might be projecting onto them.

 

[grieving]

I have a different spin on this.

First, I wonder about your nick? What are you telling us (and yourself, maybe him?). Is there something else going on here that could account for both of your strong reactions to a basically normal life event, like the break up of a first relationship?

Second, can you identify why you're so distraught for him? Sure, we all hate it when our kids suffer ("When they cut themselves, we bleed"). However, at twenty, he should have the awareness that pool of love can be deep, and the coping skills to pull himself out and manage the inevitable disappointment. And, as his dad, you should have that perspective, too.

Kids react to us, we react to them. But, it's always best when that reaction is based on current events, not either our own unique perceptions or experiences of them b/c of out own circumstance, or some other issues we might be projecting onto them.

Umm, like I said, I worry too much and I'm his mama. I am painfully aware of how many young men react to breakups, which is why I worry I guess. And it is based on current events.

My nickname on here is based on how I was feeling when I came upon this site. I am grieving the loss of a relationship with my nephew and brother, which I will post about soon. And they are not gone from this world, just mine. Well, and I guess my immediate family as well.

But thanks for your post..

 

[dave]

It all depends on the texts so all this is all situational. I think this is the best advice for sure.

My advice is to take a deep breathe, try to keep thinking positive thoughts, about how you raised him,that he's a smart resourceful person and just stay available.

Take care of yourself (the anxiety,the nervousness) and try to relax it sounds like your son did the mature thing and shared his feelings and they worked through it. you should be proud that he did not pop off , go coo coo cachoo, and dump his first serious girlfriend over what was most likely just indiscretion. Now she knows hes serious and women tend to like that.

 

[JennyV]

I really wouldn't worry too much. He's 20, if he is responsible and sensible in other areas of his life you have nothing to worry about. It's a crappy thing to have to deal with for sure, but odds are he has dealt with it before and will have to deal with again before he finds the love of his life. He has his reasons for ending it with chicky, it's probably not only the txting. At 20, honestly, he should have the life skills to deal with it. By the sounds of it he is talking to you about it, not bottling it up. The transition you are making with him now is into an adult relationship, you are doing just fine.

 

[Momof2sons]

I made the mistake of getting attached to son's girlfriend. Now it appears they are breaking up and not only do I feel sad for him, but i'm mourning the loss of the girlfriend. Stupid, I know. I hope I learn from this!

 

[parentastic]

I don't think it is EVER stupid to attach to people.
It is a natural process, something that comes from the good of our heart, and the alternative is to stifle our care and gentleness and openness.

It's just that when you attach, you can get hurt. Its Life. An it's okay.

 

[Momof2sons]

You are so right. It's like not wanting to get a pet because they die too soon. I just need to practice

 

[BU Project]

I think this is completely natural. Just take some time to introspectively think.