3 year old refuses to talk in school...

[jayks]

My 3 year old daughter has always been shy. She never talks to new people and takes a while to make friends. I understand that about her and don't force her into a new environment.

I thought she will grow out of it eventually if she meets the same ppl everyday and so put her in playschool/daycare for 3 hours everyday. Its been 6 months but she still wont talk to anyone in school. I can tell she enjoys school, because she comes back home and talks to me about her friends and teachers. She even names her dolls with her friends names and play make believe at home. But at school she hasn't spoken out.

Now her teacher has told me that she seems distracted in class and doesn't respond to her. She is not interested in crayons/ writing or group activiteis. Instead she only watches the other kids do it.

I have been talking to her everyday about how she should wish goodmorning in class and we even pratice what she should say when she wants water or needs to go to the restroom. She has stubbornly answered me that she will not talk to her teacher. What do I do? How do I help her open up.

Our mother tongue is not English but we speak both languages at home and I can tell she understands English. Its not because she doesn't understand the teacher.

She's just 3 and I dont understand her already . What do I do?

 

[IADad]

there was a boy in my son's daycare, who rarley said a word. English was not his native tongue and they didn't speak much english at home. The daycare mom tried very hard to get him to talk more and only after about 2 years was he doing a slight bit better. He went on to kindgarten this year, I have no idea how well he's doing.

 

[Jeremy+3]

It's quite common, especially in an environmental where the child doesn't have control out what happens next. Olivia is the kind of child who spends a lot of her time in her own little world, unless she really wants something she generally doesn't talk to people she doesn't know, awkward I guess.

 

[Aussie Barb]

Hi Jayks
It can be a real worry when the teacher sees something you dont see at home. Certainly 3 hours each day for 6 months would seem plenty of time to settle in. Some children just take more time to feel comfortable and therefore to talk in certain settings. Perhaps ask a friend from school over to play, so that your daughter can develop some friendships outside of school. That way she may begin to feel comfortable talking there and perhaps the teacher might become a bit more relaxed once she sees her interacting and talking to other chidren. All the best :jiggy:

 

[andrewdive]

I really understand your concern - my wife and I have spent the last 8 years worried and concerned about every 'sign' that doesn't seem right to us...any interestingly enough, the people who see lots of different kids every day i.e. the teachers, have held us to stay calm and get some perspective. If there was something to worry about then the teachers would be waving a big flag....if they are not, and if this recent teacher comment was an 'in passing' comment rather than a flag, try not to worry too much if she is happy and talkative with people she is comfortable with and In you shoes I would keep a watching brief...just in case.

Hope that helps - best of luck!

 

[Launa]

One thing to look for is a "cluster" of behaviors that worry you. There is such a thing a social anxiety in children these age. However, if she were to be evaluated by a professional, they would look for several different behaviors. You might want to Google for "social anxiety preschool" and see what turns up.

The other possible thing to consider is that she may not be feeling "safe" at school. You might want to spend some time observing in the classroom. Just a few minutes here and there.

If you feel this is anxiety on your little one's part, you might try some things to help her self-soothe. Does she have a special stuffie she can take to school? Can she hang a picture of you and her together near her coat that she can look at when she needs to? Create a goodbye ritual when you drop her off at school. Maybe this can incorporate some version of saying hello to the teacher.

Just a few thoughts. I hope this helps

--Launa

 

[NinJaBob]

My son is kind of shy but not like what you described here. I don't know if professional help is needed or not hwever in the mean time I would try to do my best to socialize her with other children in big groups as much as possible and also try to observe her without interfering and maybe you can identify something that a teacher can't because you know her so much better than they do.

 

[Maria]

Your daughter reminds me of myself growing up. I was also extremely introverted to the extent that my teachers in elementary and middle school were convinced I was autistic (I'm not autistic, several different doctors said so). I would not join in the usual group activities but instead watched other kids do them. I would not even color or finger paint with the other kids, or even talk to them for that matter. At recess, I would wander the yard by myself and I preferred sitting in the corner playing by myself making up stories in my head for my characters to act out. I would not talk to the teacher unless directly called on. I did not start volunteering answers in class until junior high, and I made my very first friend in seventh grade. My mother was ecstatic!

I am hoping what I am about to tell you will help relieve some anxiety about your daughter. I am a normal functioning happy member of society who graduated from college. I do get anxious when interacting with people I don't know, but I am capable of this though it is an awkward thing. It is just because I am painfully introverted. I only have two friends... but they are good friends. I still enjoy making up stories in my head, but these get put onto paper. I cannot tell you why I did not bother playing with the other kids when I was young. It was just difficult talking to them. I knew what I wanted to tell them in my head, but when I was sitting next to them watching them paint, I just could not find the words to tell them. I mean this in a very literal sense, because even in the very rare instances I would try to say what I thought, the thought just did not come out how I wanted it to (there was just too much pressure!!). I always had the feeling the other kids weren't interested in playing with me and I hated how the teacher always pressured me to participate in group activities. It was just easier playing with my made up characters. Your daughter playing with her toys and giving them her friends' names may be her way of dealing with this, just how making up stories in my head while playing by myself was my way of dealing with it. All of this is just who I was as a kid, it was my personality. I doubt there is anything wrong with your daughter. It is just who she is.

One thing that really helped me open up was having a penpal. I had a penpal long before I ever made an "in person" friend. If you google penpals for kids, you can find reputable sites for students to get penpals. This could be something good for her when she is a bit older. I found it way easier to open up to someone on paper than having to deal with face to face interaction. It helped me get comfortable with the idea. Karate was another thing that helped me open up a lot too cause it gave me courage.

Another thing you mentioned struck me as familiar. My teachers also always complained that I seemed distracted and my mother said even when I was in preschool the teacher would say that. I have a good memory so I can remember exactly what I was doing, and to be blunt, I was not distracted... I was bored. I know this probably sounds egotistical, but it is the truth and I am not trying to brag, but I just learned faster than the other kids (I was a straight A student... I just had trouble talking and interacting with others). I caught on to new material right away, while the other kids had to ask 101 questions, and I would just get bored and start entertaining myself by daydreaming. In preschool, I would get bored with familiar stuff and even new things quickly, and would then start making up stories in my head to entertain myself. Perhaps your daughter is just smart and creative? Perhaps she is just bored?

I hope I helped ease your anxiety a bit. I know I don't have kids, but I thought hearing from someone who was also painfully introverted as a kid might help you. Good luck with your daughter, and I hope she makes good loyal friends.

 

[SFSU Students]

Her shyness might lessen over time. Good luck..

 

[Aussie Barb]

Hi Jayks

I was just wondering how you are going with your little girl and her talking? There has been some great advice posted. Has anything worked?
Aussie Barb

 

[mama1982]

Hi JayK

 

[lanceallen]

don't tell her what to do that's awkward and will make her feel weird and scripted
...hears the biggest lesson Ive learned if you want a child to open, up you must open up not push against them...

don't tell her shes doing bad tell her you understand and let her know your proud of what she is doing right even is it is the simplest thing don't tell her what you want shell thing everything else is wrong and it will confuse her "i wanna help more but this box only has 1000 characters"

 

[dwiley]

My daughter had similar issues when she went into preschool... She wouldn't talk or play with many of the other kids, only a select few.

She never spoke up event when other kids were bothering her or picking on her. This really bothered my wife and I.

We did end up taking her to a child counselor (more for our sake). He suggested we worked with her on her confidence level. I have compiled a list of the top things we did to help our daughter to be more confident.

She is now in 1st grade and is very social and doing great! We have worked long and hard with her on this and it has helped SO much!

 

[dwiley]

Oops! Here's that list I complied:***SITE LINK REMOVED BY MOD***
Hope this helps!

 

[Xero]

Sorry for the inconvenience dwiley, but we do not allow outside linking on this forum. You are more than welcome to put the link in the "homepage" section of your profile, though.

Thanks, and enjoy posting!


http://www.parentingforums.org/f17/rules-guidelines-read-before-posting-7179.html[/URL]

 

[superrod2010]

They come into this world with personalities all their own and will have likes and dislikes and challenges. Don't push and love them. I think the idea of inviting other children over is a great idea but no matter what don't "push". With their little personalities pushing them to act like everyone else in anything can hurt more than help.

 

[Kimberymother]

Hi hon, i totally understand your problem. it's quite common so don't worry too much about it. If she doesn't start talking then maybe you could speak to her teacher or get her some help.

 

[rrudnick]

My 3 year old daughter has always been shy. She never talks to new people and takes a while to make friends. I understand that about her and don't force her into a new environment.

I thought she will grow out of it eventually if she meets the same ppl everyday and so put her in playschool/daycare for 3 hours everyday. Its been 6 months but she still wont talk to anyone in school. I can tell she enjoys school, because she comes back home and talks to me about her friends and teachers. She even names her dolls with her friends names and play make believe at home. But at school she hasn't spoken out.

Now her teacher has told me that she seems distracted in class and doesn't respond to her. She is not interested in crayons/ writing or group activiteis. Instead she only watches the other kids do it.

I have been talking to her everyday about how she should wish goodmorning in class and we even pratice what she should say when she wants water or needs to go to the restroom. She has stubbornly answered me that she will not talk to her teacher. What do I do? How do I help her open up.

Our mother tongue is not English but we speak both languages at home and I can tell she understands English. Its not because she doesn't understand the teacher.

She's just 3 and I dont understand her already . What do I do?

As a preschool teacher working with 2 and 3 year olds, I can say with confidence that this is not uncomon at all. Many children are just observers and tend to sit back and watch more than engage, espeically in a new setting like school. If she is very talkative at home, she will most likely open up eventually, but don't be surprised or worried if it takes as long as a year, or even more. I had a child in my class last year who literally didn't speak a single word to me the entire year, but I knew from her parents that she was highly verbal for her age. This year, after spending a year getting comfortable with the school, she comes up to me on the playground and has long conversations about her weekend or what she is doing after school almost every day.

Give it time, and try not to make too big of a deal out of it at home. That might end up making her more anxious over time. Ask her teacher what the activities are at school and talk to her about those activities. Maybe try doing some at home so that the experiences at school are more familiar to her.

Really the most important thing is to just give her time to get comfortable.

check www.yikedat.com for more parenting information.

 

[P07-Felix]

i think the parent should try conversing with the boy. it will definitely do him good.

 

[MomoJA]

Some really good advice here. I especially like Launa's comments.

One other possibility that I haven't read here, (sorry if I missed it) could be cultural. You say English isn't your first language. I currently teach students with cultural background (though they are the same nationality and speak the same language as I) that is different from my own. I think I would be very quiet around the students I teach if I were their age. They are very loud and aggressive relative to my upbringing, which is not as reserved as some non-English-speaking cultures out there. If you are from a more reserved culture and your child's classmates are from a more open/aggressive culture, she might be intimidated. That on top of being naturally shy or timid could shut anyone down, especially a 3 year old.

If there are no other signs of social awkwardness, I would just let her be herself and let her know it's okay to be quiet and calm as long as she is able to stand up for herself when necessary.