44 year old dad needs help...

[sdtillt1966]

Hi Everyone. This is my first post. I need some advice about what to do with my wife. My wife and I have been married for 5 years. She has an eleven year old girl that she brought into the relationship. I've been a pretty good step father to her. She is a really good kid. When my son was born we decided that she would stay home and take care of him while I work. My son is now five and ready to start kindergarten. My wife doesn't seem to want to go back to work now (even though we really need the money). I am only asking her to get a part time job during the hours that he is in school. She says that's too unpredictably. She says "what if I have to work late and don't make it home to see him off the bus?" She also refuses to work nights because she says they are all dead end jobs. I'm working 45 - 50 hours per week and by the end of the day I am completely wore out. I'm not sure if she has a point or if she just wants to stay home and let me bring all the money in. Remember we are just scraping by with the bills. I mean you can't make someone get a job if they really don't want to. I want our lives to be better and have nicer things. If she doesn't go back to work I fear we never will.
So the big question is.....what should I do?
Thank you,
Scott

 

[IADad]

Not all night jobs are dead end. I was a financial planner and it wasn't working for me, so I found a job, any job, to get some money going, that was a third shift temp job, that lead to another job to another, and now I'm a manager here.

My point is that a job is only as dead-end as you allow it to be. That can be hard to see for some people, but it's true. No job is ever a waste of time. There are many jobs I've had that I never want to do again, but I neer regret having done them, because I learned something from them.

Surely there's some part-time job that doesn't endanger her ability to pick up jr from the bus. Even if it's for 4 or 5 hours until after lunch or something. A foot in the door and some cash in are all positive.

She worked before you met, what'd she do? how'd she pay her bills then?

maybe you could paint the picture for her in dollars and cents...if you get a job that makes this much, we could save and get this, or do that in 2 years, or if you get a different job we could have that...so perhaps that would make her choices between one of the other rather than yes or no. (i.e.close on the alternative)

You could also, at the same time paint the picture of these are the risks we as a family are facing if you don't go back to work (roof needs replaced, transmission goes out, one of you ends up in the hospital.) Perhaps if she see how precarious your finances are it will jar her a bit closer to reality. Maybe focusing some attention on the things a teenage girl might want coming up will make her feel more like her effort is for her and her DD...

 

[sdtillt1966]

Thanks Iadad for that. I agree 100%. Unfortunately, I've already tried all those things to no avail. When I met her she was a cashier at exon and she worked at the ups store. She does watch the neighbor's kids (2) when they get home from school until there mother gets home (its about $160.00 per month) and she get another $180.00 in child support from her daughters (my step daughter) father. She just wants to keep cutting back everything (grocery bill etc....) I really don't know what else to do. I don't want to divorce her..partly because I still love her and partly because I don't want to put my son or daughter through that. Besides I don't have the money to divorce her. This has been driving me to drink lately but thankfully I have stopped that because I know it will only make the situation a million times worse. Besides alcohol cost money I guess I have two options...option 1: get rid of her and put the kids through an ugly divorse or option: 2...keep working my but off until my son is 18 years old (I'll be 57 years then) and then leave her. Tough decision.

 

[sbattisti]

Ugh, this sounds familiar to me.

I'm sure you know this, but SO many marriages derail because of failure to see eye to eye on financial issues. If your relationship is fantastic (from BOTH parties' perspective), then this could simply be a matter of getting a neutral party to help you guys put together a financial plan.

The first thing I'd consider is, what is the REAL problem here? In my line of work (IT), we do a lot of problem solving, and in that, we talk a lot about "hidden solutions" versus the "root cause". For example, people will tell me, "We need new servers!" That's their idea of what the problem is, but that's not really the problem. It's their idea of the solution. The PROBLEM is likely something such as "the performance of the system is inadequate".

In your case, your posts have been about "how to make your wife get a job." That's not the problem, it's your idea of what the solution should be. You need to work with your wife to agree on what the problem is. For you, it sounds like the problem is that you feel like you're not saving enough money for a better life in the future. You need to make sure she and you agree on what the problem actually is. She may not - my wife certainly didn't!

Once you agree on what the problem is, you need to work together to come up with a solution that will get you towards your goal. Trust me, agreeing on a goal together is the hard part. Once you have a goal, there are any number of books or people who can help you put a plan together.

Unfortunately, my guess is that this ISN'T at all about her working or not. This is about something going on in your relationship where you aren't seeing eye to eye.

Another note, not to freak you out or anything, but my ex-wife behaved in much the same manner. There was always SOME reason she wouldn't go back to work. Eventually, she was diagnosed with depression. She never did go back to work until getting divorced forced her hand. I am NOT saying your wife is depressed, of course. Just saying that there could be a LOT of different things behind your wife's apparent lack of interest in getting a job.

Good luck!

~Steve

 

[IADad]

how about a little different spin on this one...

I was once told, "You can get anything in life you want, if you just help enough people get what THEY want." It was part of sales training, but it pretains to a lot of life, both in the work world and in families and relationships.

Instead of focusing on what would be good for the family, can you talk with her and try to find out what SHE wants out of life? What would make her really happy? What does she desire? Maybe that would lead to some idea/goals etc. Maybe a little cheap or government paid education or training would help put her on a path to what she wants and in turn put the family in a better place....

 

[sdtillt1966]

Thank you Steve AND IADAD. I appreciate the advice. I'll give those things a try and let you know how it goes.
Scott

 

[NinJaBob]

Well I suggest asking her if she has ay ideas on how this problem can be solved. Also find out if her view regarding the future results meet yours. If they don't then you are at an impass. At that point you have a couple of choices. You can get another job and work even more, learn to be happy with your current income, or dissolve the relationship.

I truly hope that you guys can come to an agreement here but if neither one of you will budge all you can do is let it eat you up inside or make a clean break.

I didn't read the other respondents so forgive me if this is redundant. There are options.

Medical transcriptionists often set their own hours and work from home.

She can take a job and tell her boss flat out that regardless of the situation I am leaving at 2:30 to meet my child at the bus and the boss will either agree or disagree then if the situation arrives and she has to leave at least the boss had advanced notice and if thy fire you then oh well it's not like you didn't warn them and at least you got some extra money for a while.

In home day care. She can watch other children and still be at home.

Telemarketing

Collections

Do a search for other oppertunities on the internet and cross check the jobs with the Better Business Bureau to ensure legitimacy.

Finally so what if they are dead end jobs. It's har to raise children without day care. I know we do it. We have had to make sacrifices not only for things that we want but my wife has had to turn down jobs that she wanted so that we could ensure that our children were taken care of. Personal desires must take a back seat for whats good for the family It's really risky relying on one income.

I lost my job a year ago and am still looking. My unemployment is not enough and my wife works part time but thats the only way we can ensure that we have family child care. I was abused by several different child care providers as a child and will not put my kids through that hell. If my wife would have had a full time job with benefits we wouldn't have to rely on so much family support for medical bills and medication. Our home is close to forclosure and they threaten to shut off our utilities often. Thank God for family. They are keeping us off of the streets.

How much family do you have? What if you lost your job? How long could you survive? One income is dangerous.

I wish you luck.

 

[Cazeur]

I agree with a lot of what has been said already. With all respect I can't help thinking what a selfish woman your wife is, especially when you have made it clear to her that her bringing home and income would be beneficial to the family, and secondly because you seem to be working a lot of hours to make up the shortfall in income.

I was very lucky when I had my daughters in that I am a nurse so I worked around my husband's hours, and had parents near by to help. BUT I was happy to make the sacrifice and work unsociable hours, which was exhausting, but meant I was doing my 'bit' for the family. I then had a career break and did property lettings for my brother so could work what hours I wanted, again giving me the flexibility to work around the family. I returned to nursing this year following a stint in University. As you can see, I have done my best by the family because I couldn't sit back and let my husband kill himself to keep us afloat.

My initial thought was that your wife was depressed too. She is probably also very nervous about getting back in the big bad working world. Not only would she have to go through the application and interview process, she would then have to learn about a new job and get to know her colleagues.

You really need to let her know how unhappy and how unsettling this is for you. She needs to know that you are serious and it is causing you to think seriously about the future of your relationship. Do you know if she is even happy with the way things are going?

I really think communication is the key here. Good luck to you!

 

[sbattisti]

I agree with a lot of what has been said already. With all respect I can't help thinking what a selfish woman your wife is, especially when you have made it clear to her that her bringing home and income would be beneficial to the family, and secondly because you seem to be working a lot of hours to make up the shortfall in income.

Hmm, let's not jump to conclusions here. In all likelihood, the wife isn't staying at home eating bon-bons. In the original post, he mentioned that she's concerned about the impact it could have on child care, etc.

I really do believe, though, that the problem is likely that the wife simply doesn't agree that getting a job would be beneficial to the same degree the husband does, and that doesn't make her selfish, that just means she has a different opinion than he does...

I really do feel that the key is working with the wife to come to an agreement about what the problem is!

 

[ElliottCarasDad]

Hmm, let's not jump to conclusions here....

I jumped to the same conclusion....but of course I had my mat..

 

[NancyM]

I don't want to divorce her..partly because I still love her and partly because I don't want to put my son or daughter through that. Besides I don't have the money to divorce her. This has been driving me to drink lately but thankfully I have stopped that because I know it will only make the situation a million times worse. Besides alcohol cost money I guess I have two options...option 1: get rid of her and put the kids through an ugly divorse or option: 2...keep working my but off until my son is 18 years old (I'll be 57 years then) and then leave her. Tough decision.

I sounds like there is something more going on here to me. Maybe some other issues in your relationship together need to be addressed first. I find it interesting that you're willing to divorce her, or 'get rid' of her because she "doesn't want to work". It just seems so drastic to go to that extream, unless something esle is going on.

You did mention drinking. Could that have anything to do with your wife not wanting to work nights? Maybe she feels uncomfortable leaving the kids with you if you do drink.

You said she brings in a little money, if she works part time will that cause her to loose the little income she does make, maybe she figures working part time won't make to much more that she's making now, and the way it is now, she she can still be home with the kids.

Have you re'assured her that you will be able to get to that bus stop if she cant make it. If she starts a new job, You must know that she won't be able to leave when she has to if she wants to keep it.

Also have you let her know that you will be able to leave your job and take care of everything that she won't be able to do anymore, especially with the kids. I don't remember you posting you that you will take up the slack so she doesn't have to worry while she is learning her new job.

She knows what she's in for. If she has concerns, you need to address them and find a suitable solution so she feels ok with leaving her kids in someone else's' care.

Just my two cents.

 

[Dale Simmons]

Start looking around ... when one door closes, another opens!

 

[sdtillt1966]

Thanks everyone for your advice. As of now..we've decided that she is to continue staying home until my son is finished with kindergarten (which he starts this September). As far a my drinking, I have stopped that months ago. I've found other healthier alternatives to stress. Anyway, she does want to work days starting this September but that would mean my 5 year old son would be in school all day. In kindergarten until 2:30pm and then to after school program until 5:30pm. She doesn't seem to have a problem with leaving him in there that long (which is surprising to me) Personally, I refuse to have my son raised by the public school system. Even if it means working 100 hours a week! Anyway..the plan is for her to stay home one more year and then go back to work. But the way I see it, we are going to run into the same problem next year with having to leave him at school all day in order for her to work. If she would just works nights everything would be fine.....but she will not.
Thanks again everyone for your help and support,
Scott

 

[IADad]

Understand that what you're asking her to do is to work nights (I assume you mean second shift, not overnights) which would mean she'd miss significant time with your son. I tend to think missing that time with her could be more dangerous than a couple ours in after-school care. But consider alternative. At first grade, our son, rod the bus to a daycare provider's house where he could spend 1-1.5 hours each day before I came and picked him up. So, consider there may be other options to look into for that after-school time.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I agree with NancyM, sounds like a lot more is going on. Divorce seems like an extreme solution to your wife's resistance to get a job.

Do you understand why your wife doesn't want to work? Does she feel like she has spent too much time out of the workforce to be capable? Sounds like something else is going on.

Since she sounds like she likes child care, maybe she could use this next year and get a childcare license. She could watch kids in your home and be there for your two other children when they get home from school. Or maybe should could work in your child's school?

Another thing you could do is sit down together and work up a new budget. If you both know what you are working with, where all the money is going, and see what needs to be cut to make it work, it could be good for you both.

 

[sdtillt1966]

Thanks so much for the advice. Stjohnjulie....some good ideas there..thank you. Everyone keeps saying "sounds like there's more going on". I've shared all of the details, leaving nothing out. I don't think it would do me any good to ask for advice and not give the adviser all the details. Anyway...thanks again everyone.
Scott

 

[Xero]

Thanks so much for the advice. Stjohnjulie....some good ideas there..thank you. Everyone keeps saying "sounds like there's more going on". I've shared all of the details, leaving nothing out. I don't think it would do me any good to ask for advice and not give the adviser all the details. Anyway...thanks again everyone.
Scott

I also think there "sounds like there's more going on", and I'll tell you why. My husband wouldn't talk about "getting rid" of me if I wasn't confident about getting a job at the exact moment he suggested it to me.

(mind you, I have a job and all, but I think you get what I mean)

No offense and all. But "I could just get rid of her either now, and ruin my kid's life, or I could just wait till he's 18" That's just pretty harsh for someone who claims that the only problem with his marriage is that his wife isn't sure about going back to work just yet.

I mean, as for everything else, I completely agree with what people have said about reassuring her, and helping her realize how it would help your finances, etc etc... I just wanted to point out why people are saying that to you.

 

[singledad]

No offense and all. But "I could just get rid of her either now, and ruin my kid's life, or I could just wait till he's 18" That's just pretty harsh for someone who claims that the only problem with his marriage is that his wife isn't sure about going back to work just yet.

I have to agree - that's not how you talk about someone you love and respect. If there is nothing else, they perhaps you've already let this problem get so big that it has caused damage to your relationship? I'm not accusing you of lying or hiding anything, but I'm afraid that maybe you haven't noticed how your relationship is suffering due to this problem, and as long as you think its ok, you can't work on fixing it...

 

[sbattisti]

Incidentally, for the record, it will be MUCH more harmful for your kids in the long term if you stay together with your wife "just for them" when neither you nor she are happy. In my opinion. Then you end up with grown up kids who realize that THEY are the reason their parents were miserable for the past decade. If you're unhappy in your relationship, then you need to work on that NOW and make a decision. If you can't afford a divorce, well, then perhaps that's another incentive to work harder at improving the relationship.

I'd also like to point out - having your son in an after-school program is NOT "having your son raised by the public school system." Please remember that children have many areas to learn and grow in their lives. Being in an after school program can be extremely positive for kids in terms of building social skills, and most such programs have constant activities and a curriculum that 99% of stay-at-home parents won't provide, because they will often be busy with other household chores. My son was in a full-day program from the time he was 3, and he's the happiest, most well-adjusted kid I know. I for one believe it's probably BETTER for him to be in an after-school program than at home alone with his mother. (Provided, of course, that there is still ample parent-child face time.)

Honestly, the biggest worry I have in reading your thread is that, frankly, you come across as pretty judgmental. Granted, this is only a tiny sliver of your life we've seeing here, but nowhere in your posts do I get any sense of compassion for your wife or a desire to come to a shared solution with her. It sounds more than anything like you're frustrated that she won't just "do the right thing," (i.e. what you're telling her to do).

Successful couples are the ones that can work through these issues and find mutually agreeable solutions - ones that DON'T leave the parties complaining about it afterward.

Just sayin', there might be a value in stepping back and asking yourself if you're really letting yourself be open to ideas other than your own. The more I read, the more it's clear to me that this is a "marriage problem" and not a "money problem."

Good luck!

 

[IADad]

Just a remionder everyone...

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and we welcome the comment, but let's not jump to conclusions about any of our fellow posters. I think we need to stick to comments about what was said, not what we feel a poster "is like."

Our respect for each other is what makes the comments here valuable, let's maintain it.