5 year old nephew thinks he is fat!...

[cwolfe]

My nephew Drake is 5 years old and is showing clear signs of having a negative body image. He is the middle child of three boys. His brothers are both tall and skinny, while Drake is a little shorter and heavier. He is by no means fat or as my sister says "morbidly obese". He has a larger frame and appears to healthy, solid and strong.

On more than one occasion, even in front of Drake, my sister has told me he is their least favorite child because he is "fat and doesn't want to do anything like go swimming". I of course was outraged and told her that I didn't feel it was right to say anything like that especially when Drake could hear her, but she says it doesn't matter.

At a family birthday party last weekend Drake changed into his swimming trunks. When he came back outside he immediately asked his his swimsuit made him look fat. His mom said no, but the fact that he was asking means that he is self conscious.
It has me very worried about him.

Drake is called fat and put down constantly from his parents and older brother. I am afraid of the effects this will have on him later in life.

If his parents and brother were physically abusing him I would call Child Protective Services, but I am ensure what to do about the emotional abuse he is suffering. If I talk to her about it again I know nothing will change. I have considered calling the school councilor but am not sure if they will even talk to me about someone else's child, especially when I have no kids in the school system.

 

[momandmore]

Oh wow. I wish I had some advice to give. emotional abuse is the hardest to prove. My soon to be 7yo SD has gone through this for years with older siblings and BM. She was everyone's least favorite and no one hid it. Just sickening.
I think, depending on the school, the counselor may talk to you. It wouldn't hurt to give it a shot.
I'm sorry your nephew is going through this and you feel there is nothing you can do.

 

[cwolfe]

I will try calling the councilor tomorrow and see if I can get across the importance of the situation and get them to talk with me. Thank you for your understanding.

 

[pwsowner]

It is abuse and it needs to be stopped. I am overweight. Have been since 6 months old, and I was picked on a lot and called fat a lot. In my teens, I became suicidal because of that and other things, so what they are doing to him will have a long term effect on him and needs to stop. If the family won't listen to you and the school counselor doesn't listen either, try the school principal. If that doesn't work, go higher up, family/social services, or if necessary, the law. If his own mother is running him down, she needs help.

 

[cwolfe]

I'm sorry to hear that you went through that and I agree that it needs to stop and will start with the councilor. Hopefully this will help and someone will be standing up for him because his mom is definitely not.

 

[Xero]

Wow, that's terrible! My first thought when I read the thread title was "why would a 5 year old even think about that kind of thing?" Of course, my question was answered once I read your post and found that his parents and brothers said such mean and nasty things to him. That makes me so mad.

My 6 year old is small for his age, but I'm pretty sure he has no idea. One time a kid in preschool told him he was "small for a 5 year old" and when he told me, I just said "no, you're a normal size for a 5 year old, that kid is just big" haha (which was true - he was the biggest in the class).

Anyway, there is no reason a parent should ever call their child fat or any other mean thing that would hurt their self esteem like that. To be honest, if he is overweight, it is certainly not his fault. If it isn't genetic (sounds not), then it's his mom's fault for probably feeding him a bunch of crap and letting him overeat. If it isn't an overlooked medical problem, that is. Also, of course he isn't active and doesn't want to run around. He's 5, he's not overweight because he isn't active, he isn't active because he's overweight.

I definitely agree to go to the councilor, something needs to be done, that kind of mistreatment is so hurtful for kids. I personally would also probably say something directly to the family about exactly how wrong and damaging it is to talk to a child that way.

 

[singledad]

You don't say which state you are from so I can't check - does you're state's laws recognize emotional abuse? I know a large number of US states define abuse along the lines of physical harm and/our neglect and leave it there. If that is the case in your state, your hands will pretty much be tied. If there is some provision for emotional abuse, an official complaint may get some results. Or not, depending on the attitude if the person you talk to, but it's worth a try...

The other suggestions you received are all good a well...

 

[momandmore]

DH and I are in a court battle where emotional abuse is a major factor, but not the only, and it is the hardest to prove.
You are doing the right thing by stepping up, it sounds like someone needs to. Before DH and I were even married the school counselor called and talked to me all of the time about SD. They didn't have to tell me anything or involve me in anything because in the court's eyes I was a "legal stranger" in the situation, even after we got married. But the school was very concerned and talked to me on a regular basis.
It may depend on the school and the counselor but I don't think something like this should be overlooked. Chances are, if he is that self conscious, openly in front of everyone else, the school has seen it too.
Please update when you find something out and best of luck!

 

[cwolfe]

Singledad I live in Nebraska, and I am unsure if the state recognizes emotional abuse or not.

I called but the councilor is teaching a class so I will call back later.

 

[cwolfe]

I just got off the phone with the councilor and she seemed genuinely concerned. She said she will pull him aside quietly and ask how he is doing and feeling about himself. She agrees it is a serious issue and will check in with him. I feel so much better knowing someone is looking for signs at the school and will be talking to him. I plan to keep a close eye on things and if I see any signs that the problem is continuing I will keep making phone calls. I know this is not over and that one phone call will not fix everything but it is a start.

Thank you all for your advice and support! I was afraid I was making something of nothing but you all reassured what my heart and gut were telling me!

 

[momandmore]

I am so glad you got to speak with her! I'm sure now that they have a heads up and will be speaking with him, they will probably even watch him more closely now as well as she will probably discretely let his teachers and certain staff members know the situation so they can also report to her. That is great news!!!!

ETA: If the school sees that it is an ongoing issue, they will call CPS. And from my experience, CPS listens and acts more quickly when it comes from the school.

 

[pwsowner]

I'm glad the counselor is looking into it. That is a great start.

 

[singledad]

DH and I are in a court battle where emotional abuse is a major factor, but not the only, <U>and it is the hardest to prove</U>.

That is true. I'm not even sure how one would go about proving it. The only way I can think of, is with an official psychological evaluation..

ETA: If the school sees that it is an ongoing issue, they will call CPS. And from my experience, CPS listens and acts more quickly when it comes from the school.

I hope you are right. That poor boy needs someone to stand up and fight for him, and the sooner the better.

 

[Xero]

Yeah, very hard to prove, it's a word of mouth kind of thing, unless you get it on video or something.

So glad you got in touch with the counselor, and she is taking it seriously. That is a good first step. Hopefully that will be helpful.

 

[cwolfe]

My other sister and I are both going to continue to keep an eye on him and if the situation does not improve for him I will keep calling the school and anyone else who will listen until something is done for him.

I am glad that so many people were able to comment and help but sad to hear so many kids are going though similar problems.

 

[momandmore]

singledad: that is just from my experience, but it sounds like this counselor is taking it seriously and it may take a while of watching and maybe he will even open up to her about certain things which would be even better, but from the sounds of it, he probably already feels that he has nowhere to turn. I really hope that isn't the case here.
When my SD's came back home drugged, it took CPS 3 weeks to talk to BM. that was even after going to the hospital with CPS and the police there. She lived in a different county so CPS in her county didn't see it first hand and didn't take it seriously.
When the school called CPS for another reason, they were at BM's doorstep the next day and were very involved.

 

[momandmore]

My other sister and I are both going to continue to keep an eye on him and if the situation does not improve for him I will keep calling the school and anyone else who will listen until something is done for him.

I am glad that so many people were able to comment and help but sad to hear so many kids are going though similar problems.

Is it a possibility that you and/or your other sister take him out to do fun stuff to boost his self esteem while this process begins like, to the park or out for ice cream?
In a situation like this, the smallest things can build up the little guy's self esteem.
Even if not, I'm so glad he has you two. He needs positive people around him! I'm extremely happy that you got the ball rolling! You definitely did the right thing.

 

[cwolfe]

His mom and I don't get along, basically because of they way she treats everyone. I decided long ago I didn't need her in my life but have made a point recently to try to more involved for my nephews sake. She amount let me take him anywhere due to food allergies and our strained relationship. I will talk to my other sister and see if she might be able to take him out. I agree it could make a big difference for him.

 

[IADad]

I'm coming a little late to this discussion, but here's my experience.

There's a big difference between name calling and belittling and trying to help a kid down a better path.

My eldest son is a big kid, and unfortunately he's gotten the trait that he carries his fat at his belly. His mom and I are also big and we're trying to modify our lifestyles, eat better, exercise both for our own good and to set an example. Bottom line, he knows he could be more fit. He knows he makes bad food choices sometimes. But he's okay with himself. He doesn't hesitate to change his shirt on the soccer sideline or go to a swimming party. So, it's okay to help kids want to be better and yes we've made plenty of mistakes having foods available that he can make bad choices with. But we're not perfect, but we're trying to get better, and so is he. I think(hope) in the long run this is going to serve him better than my experience growing up where I could literally eat any and everything and was still too thin. I never learned to be conscious of what I was eating and I pay for that now.

So, it's okay to talk with kids about fitness, eating better, feeling better, making changes for themselves. But it has to be positive, super positive - negativity simply doesn't work.

 

[cwolfe]

I completely agree IADad. Name calling or belittling are not constructive and wont help any kid. It sounds like your son is comfortable in his own skin and that's all I want for my nephew and my own daughter.