5yo boy not wanting to learn ANYTHING...

[SammiesMom]

This is my first post, so I'd like to just kinda introduce myself first... I raised my son as a single parent the first three years of his life, and I admit, I babied him. But now that he's 5, he doesn't seem to want to do ANYTHING on his own. He doesn't know how to tie his shoes, and he REFUSES to try and learn. I have to literally dress him every morning because he flat-out refuses (and makes him late for school/me late for work). He won't clean up his toys unless my fiance bribes him (no amount of reasoning from me works). He won't play with his toys alone, and he won't study or do anything that requires work. If he doesn't succeed at something the first or second time, he throws a fit and completely gives up.

I'm not sure if it's laziness brought on by me babying him so much, or what... but I'm at my wits end. I'm not sure what to do. Every time I need him to do something for himself, it's a battle.

Does anyone have any ideas?

(He's in pre-K instead of kindergarten for this exact reason. His teachers didn't think he would be able to handle kindergarten because of his temper and refusal to "work.")

 

[Kaytee]

welcome to the board and I am sorry that you are going through difficulties with your son.
Teh first thing I would do is try to get him to do things on his own before seaking outside professional help. Bribery does work for the "lazy" child sometimes anbd if it doesn't then maybe there is a deeper issue. By bribery I do not mean clean your room and you can have ice cream either. I mean more on the lines of Saturday morning asking him if he wants to go play at the park for a bit but before he can go he has to get dressed like a big boy and put on his own shoes. If he needs some help, he can ask but he needs to be a big boy and try himself or he can't go. I would bet he would do his best to go to the park.
Sticker charts do seem to help this age as well, but have a reward for a certain amount. Like if he cleans his room by himself, and gets dressed by himself today then after lunch you will take him for a picnic in the yard, or play with some play doe. Little things like that, tehn if he gets a certain amount of stickers in the week he can get a bigger treat, like ice cream after dinner.
I am sure others will also hav many ideas for you, but I would start with the basics, personally, and do what you can to try to rectify the problem, then if you still need help, seeking some sort of support (therapist or whatever)

 

[SammiesMom]

Thanks so much. A sticker chart has worked for us with some chores. We call it his "good noodle board" like on Spongebob. haha. I never thought of using it for things that he should be doing anyways. Thanks so much for your advice.

 

[Kaytee]

good luck and keep us posted on how things work out.

 

[fallon]

I agree charts have worked well here...we use them for everything from chorse to whining

 

[FooserX]

<r><FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>>>He doesn't know how to tie his shoes, and he REFUSES to try and learn.<e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>Buy him Velcro ones until his attitude changes. <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>>>I have to literally dress him every morning because he flat-out refuses (and makes him late for school/me late for work).<e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>You’re still babying him, and therefore he has no incentive to grow out of it. <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s><e></e></FONT> <br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>Try this, and be firm: <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>Tell him he has the choice not to get dressed if he doesn’t want to, but you’re not going to do it for him. He’ll whine, or resist....but take him to school dressed in his pajamas. Don’t even let him see that it bothers you, just lay it out for him plain and simple. “You can get dressed, or you can go to school like this…it doesn’t matter to me!” After a day or two in PJs, he'll wise up.<e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>>>>He won't clean up his toys unless my fiance bribes him (no amount of reasoning from me works).<e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>Lol…why are you even trying to reason with a 5 year old? Do you really think you can? Do you think he’s all in a sudden going to think like a mature adult? You can’t reason with kids, or discuss things – you just tell them how it’s going to be. <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>In this instance, you just say “Hey, you don’t have to clean up your toys…it’s fine by me! I’ll do it for you! Nice, hey!?” Then, pick up EVERYTHING, and put them away for couple days. He’ll cry his eyes out, but he needs to know that you mean business. Every time he doesn’t put his toys away the first time you ask….you do this. You give him a choice, and if he trys to fight it, just put everything up for a couple of days. This will break him easy once you show him that you will be consistent. <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>>>>He won't play with his toys alone, and he won't study or do anything that requires work. If he doesn't succeed at something the first or second time, he throws a fit and completely gives up.<e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s> <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s>Well that’s natural for babied kids. You brought this on, but the good news is that it can be undone – it’ll just take some time and work. Everything he’s learned about life needs to be undone…so you’ll have to be patient. <e></e></FONT><br/>
<FONT font="Verdana"><s></s><e></e></FONT> <br/>
&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;<FONT font="Verdana">&lt;/s&gt;Just say "hey, you don't have to play alone now...you can do nothing!" Your choice! Let him understand that it is HIS choice in everything. &lt;br/&gt;
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&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt; &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Every time I need him to do something for himself, it's a battle.&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt; &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;It shouldn’t be. Just do what I said and stay calm. Let him make the decision to clean up, get dressed, or whatever. It will be easy for you because you just remove his toys, or take him to school in PJ’s, or let him lose dessert, or whatever is the consequence. That’s easy – no struggling involved. It’s easier for you to put him in the car and take him to school as opposed to get him dressed. &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt; &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;He needs to know that he needs to do things for himself. As long as you and fiancé are helping him…he’s not learning anything…in fact it’s just reinforcing what he already knows – that you will do everything for him. &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt; &lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;br/&gt;
&lt;FONT font="Verdana"&gt;&lt;s&gt;&lt;/s&gt;&lt;e&gt;&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/FONT&gt;&lt;/r&gt;

 

[SammiesMom]

Wow. Thanks so much for your input. I guess I did bring this on myself by babying him so much... I'll try all of these things (even though taking him to school in his PJs is gonna be rough. haha).

 

[Kaytee]

lol, it won't hurt him though. The problem would come if he enjoys going to school in pj's.

 

[FooserX]

Why should it be rough?

He needs to know that you don't care, and won't fight with him on things. It's your way, or the natural consequences.

If anything be happy about it. Make it entertaining for you instead of frustrating.

I remember my son wouldn't pick up his toys before bed in the beginning, and my wife would pull her hair out trying to make him.

I asked him if he wanted me to do it for him, and he was SO happy for the offer! LOL! He was like "wow! I just got dad to do all my dirty work! I wear the pants in this family!"

It took me all of 10 minutes to pick up his toys while he watched me dumbfounded. Once he saw that they were going away to our room, he lost it. lol It was great watching him break. He was balling, and throwing the biggest tantrum...his face looks like Damien...like he wanted to kill me.

But I'll tell you what...that was it. One time to set the tone for his entire childhood, and about 3 or 4 more times periodically to drive the point home. Pick it up or lose it!

Now when I ask him, he does it. Every now and then, he'll get distracted and start playing....so I ask him "Hey, do you need some help with that?" It's so funny, he dives for all his toys and starts putting them away in fast forward motion. lol

 

[Kaytee]

lol I can see him freaking out when you ask if he wants help.

 

[SammiesMom]

haha. that is pretty funny. I guess I do baby Sam too much, because I would cave if he started crying. I always give him "one more chance."

That's my problem.

One time he was acting up in the store and I told him to quiet down or I wasn't gonna let him get a gum-ball from the machine. He was like, "Aw mom... Can I have 4 more chances?" FOUR!! haha

 

[musicmom]

I totally agree with Fooser on this one
You need to be firm and do NOT give in!! When you say you are going to do something then do it. Give him a few second to make his choice and then you do what you said as a threat. The first time you renig he has you wrapped around his finger. Trust me that you do NOT want a child to be this way with a teacher because they will not put up with it and it will look really bad on you. You are catching it at a good time. No more babying.

 

[FooserX]

Hah...yeah, my wife will sometimes complain "He's not listening to me!!"

I'm like "Uh...you're asking him 6 times to do it...why <I>would </I>he listen to you? As far as he knows, you're going to keep asking...so there's no reason to listen to you."

 

[Kaytee]

that's true. Follow through is the key. Don't threaten your child with a punishment unless you plan to do it

 

[fallon]

that's true. Follow through is the key. Don't threaten your child with a punishment unless you plan to do it

so true

 

[FooserX]

that's true. Follow through is the key. Don't threaten your child with a punishment unless you plan to do it

For sure.

The past couple of really bad incidents where our son really needs punishment, we've taken away some brand new toys that we've bought, and said that his cousin from Mexico can have them.

Then, after a week or so...I give them back to him because I really want him to be able to play with these brand new toys I bought for him.

So last week, I took back his brand new Zombie Hulk and Flash T-Shirt, and told him that we're giving them to his cousin. He had the nerve to tell me "You're just going to forget and give them back to me anyway!"

Lol!!

Guess I need to go back to being super firm and follow through again!

 

[Kaytee]

yep. Ikeep telling Nichole I'm gonna smack her butt when she misbehaves, but I won't and I have only did it once and felt so horrible afterwards that I vowed to never do it again. I need a better line! lol

 

[musicmom]

If you ever do spank or tap your child's behind they say it's better to do it with an object so the child hates the object and fears it, not you. I found that a one gallon paint stick from the hardware store works. I only had to use it once. It stings..ouch.
My children only get a spanking if they purposly hurt their sibling. I tell them "now you will feel what you did to them". It totally worked.

 

[obie]

When taking toys etc away from a child does not work, you have to get firm with the child. If it requires a spanking so be it. As long as you are not taking out your aggression or frustration on a child, there is nothing wrong with spanking. Some children only respond to spankings. Otherwise, children will know you will not follow thru on a punishment. Parents need to stop feeling guilty about spanking a child. Not spanking a kid is not helping the child in any way!!!! A child will not be damaged if he/she is spanked. It is more harmful for a child to not have consequences.

 

[Kaytee]

I personally would not say that spanking is a good thing, but to each is own I suppose