7yr old out of control, no help from wife...

[jperry1290]

Before kids my wife and I had a great relationship, but now that we have kids (4,7) our relationship is pretty bad. We are both college educated, have great jobs, and make good money, but the difference in parenting and responsibility is horrible.

Since day one my wife has decided to parent her way and not listen to advice from anyone else including her mom or I. We even saw a family therapist at my wife's request and she refuses to try the therapist advice. She would lay with the babies until they slept at night or at nap time, she made them custom meals if they didn't like what we made, and she did little to no discipline. Problem is she still lays with them every night till they sleep, sometimes let's them go to bed with her (I work graves 4 nights a week as a police officer), she still makes custom meals, and she provides very little structure and discipline. She allows the kids to leave dirty clothes on the floor, they leave their dishes laying around the house, I'm constantly tripping on toys left on the floor, and homework sometimes doesn't get completed.

My 7yr old son has become the terrible kid that nobody wants to be around. He is disrespectful at home and in public, will have a major tantrum if he doesn't get his way, he will punch/slap his sister and other kids if they make him mad, he rips his room apart if he goes to time out, he has learned to curse due to my wife's foul language. He has become a huge embarrassment almost on a daily basis. I try my hardest to instill good values on my days off and make the kids help around the house. My wife will never follow through with discipline when I return to work or she will give toys back early, take them out for a treat, etc. She thinks my son has a mental health issue, but she spoke to several doctors that disagree. She of course doesnt think they tried hard enough to diagnose him. This has become the source of daily arguments and is tearing the family apart. I feel like a second class citizen in my own home. I've asked my wife nicely and I've demanded change, but nothing happens. She claims the kids will grow up fine just like her.

My wife works in healthcare 8-5 three days a week, sometimes two. It was our decision to have her work part time so she could raise the kids. She gets to have a girls night whenever she wants, goes on trips with her friends, and does a lot of shopping and going out to lunch. Even with this she claims her life is too hard and she doesn't have any free time to make the kids pick up their things. She has actually stopped doing most housework claiming her 4-5 days off a week isn't enough to keep the house clean with two kids. She will let the shower mold, before I usually give in and clean it. She constantly calls me and explains how my son is misbehaving. She has told me that she has no maternal need to play with the kids. I paint my daughters fingers/toes, play dress up, etc. My kids tell me that my wife will just sit on the couch on her phone and ignore them when I am gone. Or they will say that mom didn't make them do certain chores, take showers, do homework, etc. She calls my son stupid (I've told her it's not ok) and they constantly yell at each other. She let's the kids go to school in wrinkled clothes and unbrushed hair. I try to rush home from work and make sure the clothes are ironed and the kids are ready.

I've threatened to leave, but in the San Francisco area it takes two incomes to pay the bills. Plus I'm affraid if I leave the kids will become even worse. My schedule also makes it difficult as I am assigned to graves and would have nobody to watch the kids at night.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Vdad]

This doesn't sound good. You have at least two issues here: The one with your kids lack of self control, and your wife's inability to co parent with you..of course they're interrelated. When kids see parents who cannot work with each other, not surprisingly, they learn its OK not to work with either parent, too. That's water under the bridge now, you need to work with her limited abilities not so much to see the cause, but just work on the effect.

The good news here is that she seems to recognize that the kids have "Mental health issues". I think your best course of action here is to agree with her wholeheartedly as well as acknowledge how overwhelming it is, and work with her awareness of this and get to a a competent psychologist ASAP.

Call the kids pediatrician for a referral (preferably to a child psychologist) and use your support of your wife's overwhelm (without judging it's cause or the other issues you raise here) and get her into the docs office and begin the work of stabilizing your son, as well as addressing her inability or unwillingness to co parent with you. I'd keep my goals very simple here: be supportive of her overwhelm and get to a professional. Anything more and she'll likely resist.

 

[page16]

I agree with VDad here that you will need 'outside' help.

Additionally, it sounds like she needs to learn priorities. The phone is not more important than making sure the kids go to school with decent looking clothes and brushed hair.

 

[artmom]

You're a police officer and I'm sure you've seen your fair share of the consequences of poor parenting and letting kids go wild. I know you can't talk about specific cases, but I'm sure you can come up with generalized examples of where this household is headed if this wife of yours doesn't shape up and smarten up. My dad is a retired officer and I know the crazy shifts he had.

I sort of disagree and agree with Vdad that you should keep finding a psychologist and believe that your son has a mental disorder. Mental disorders are very commonly diagnosed and misdiagnosed. If there is a concern, talk to his pediatrician about scheduling an MRI of his brain activity, and a set an appointment with a behaviour and speech specialist. They will be able to detect any abnormalities that a psychologist wouldn't be able to notice as they are different areas in the medical field.
A good idea is to talk to your son's pediatrician privately about the concerns you have with your wife's parenting and the effects it's having on your kids. Try not to make the issue too one-sided, all on your wife. I'm sure your not the only family going through this issue.

Parenting can be overwhelming. It is a job in itself. I've been on the receiving end of people trying to tell me that because I work part-time, or when I wasn't working, that I just don't do anything. I would clean the house, help my kid with whatever, yardwork, run errands and it never felt or looked like I did a whole lot because it's a constant, never ending battle of the mess and dirt. Plus, my then-spouse, was a slob so I would have to pick up after him. When I did start working, I was working shifts and I was always tired, I got little support despite pressured to work in the first place and I was still expected to keep house and raise my kid like I was home all the time. And I barely had any time to myself, nor go out with friends. When I first read your op I had doubts about your wife. Now, I think she is overwhelmed and could possibly be depressed. She may not be showing it because of fear of judgement from you and her mom. Or she's in denial. But if she is able to go out with friends and vacations, and is focusing on that aspect of her life, this might be a cry for help. She might be telling the family she needs to escape the chaos because she cannot fix it or know what to do.

Your kids should be old enough to take care of their homework. There should be someone there if they need help, yes, but if they forget it or don't do their homework, the only way they'll learn is by consequences.
I think a good idea is to get the kids out of the house for a bit. Is there an overnight camp they can go to for a week?

That will at least give you some chance to figure out what needs to be done.
Give her a swear jar, too. All proceeds go to filing for divorce if it gets too much.