I had a realisation riding home last night: my wife might not think that I'm perfect.
I was so pleased to have realised that, after all this time.
Bike-riding is such a useful activity - you can almost FEEL yourself thinking more as you ride, the blood flows more freely. BTW, this isn't actually bollocks, it's true. The release of endorphins and more highly oxygenated blood combined with the rhythmic motions make for a really easy way to enter a heightened thought-state.
Pretty much the whole marriage I've been making excuses for her... honestly at some points never quite being able to tell myself WHY I love her. I do... but, for what? For her good looks (well, _I_ think she looks good, but being honest she's a good looking woman trapped inside an obese person's body)? For her winning personality (actually... she's sometimes the most crabby, passive-aggressive person I know...)? For her positive attitude (well, no. it turns out that she has a terrible attitude a lot of the time)?
you get the idea.
You have to love someone for a REASON don't you? You can't just love someone Just Because? (BTW read Atlas Shrugged and you'll see why this is small 'e' evil.) You can't just love someone because they deserve to be loved or - even worse - because you want to have someone (anyone) in your life?
So I make all these concessions in my head. Even though she breaks a few of my deal-breaker minimum requirements (we got hitched before I realised that there WAS such a thing) (like I would never marry a suicidal person - whoops - I would never marry a negatively minded person - whoops).
There's all this good stuff.
She has the ability to love so openly and thoughtlessly it astounds me. I mean thoughtlessly in that she doesn't stop to think about it - she just gives her time and energy to those she loves.
She is the sweetest person I know - and not in a cutesy Disney way either, but in a womanly and genuine way.
She is deeply principled. True, her principles might not be so anally investigated as mine are (few are) but she sticks to hers much more than I do to mine.
She's a fabulous mother - she adores the children and is giving them the best life a person could hope for. This is really important for me now. This is a real reason for a man to love a woman: she raises his children in a loving environment.
----
So.
There's this list. A few bad things, a great many good things.
Certainly I'm a very lucky man.
True, I could have married a person who isn't psychotic for half the year... but... win some lose some.
----
So, all this time it's been as if _she's_ the lucky one: I count as a pretty good catch on paper. I'm athletic (did I mention that last year I made it Around The Bay In A Day - 210km??) I bike ride and rock climb. I'm great on guitar: chicks dig musicians right? I'm smart and well educated: I was in a special program at high school for geniuses, and now have an honors degree in mechanical engineering. I'm reasonably successful for my age. I'm passionate. I'm pacifist. I'm a great dad, a good provider and a faithful husband.
Which is why I've realised how lucky I am to have her in my life - after all this time, through all this bullsh1t - she must TOTALLY DESPISE ME. I'm arrogant, opinionated, elitist. I'm tactless, preachy, proud. I wouldn't even BE here if she hadn't worked almost full time while I was at uni. There's no WAY I'd be able to bike ride if she wasn't able to support me. 11 years later she's still my first real girl-friend and I'd probably still be sitting on that couch if she hadn't come along and given me a direction to take in life!
In her head, all this time, she's probably been justifying to herself why she's with me. It probably took her years to realise that she would have never chosen to fall in love with someone like me, but that she loves me anyway. I might not be her type, but I'm hers.
This is not the Grand Compromise. It's not Second Best.
This is real life, and it's the two of us going to the trouble of loving each other for the RIGHT reasons, instead of hating each other for the WRONG reasons. It's proof that, no matter what's happened, we've communicated the right things to each other. We're making it.
I have all these flaws. She must REALLY REALLY love me to even want to be around me after all that we've been through together.
----
So, that's it for tonight. I think I've bombed these message boards enough. I think I've typed almost 4000 words tonight.
Tell me if this is a good Speech to say to her on our anniversary:
I was so pleased to have realised that, after all this time.
Bike-riding is such a useful activity - you can almost FEEL yourself thinking more as you ride, the blood flows more freely. BTW, this isn't actually bollocks, it's true. The release of endorphins and more highly oxygenated blood combined with the rhythmic motions make for a really easy way to enter a heightened thought-state.
Pretty much the whole marriage I've been making excuses for her... honestly at some points never quite being able to tell myself WHY I love her. I do... but, for what? For her good looks (well, _I_ think she looks good, but being honest she's a good looking woman trapped inside an obese person's body)? For her winning personality (actually... she's sometimes the most crabby, passive-aggressive person I know...)? For her positive attitude (well, no. it turns out that she has a terrible attitude a lot of the time)?
you get the idea.
You have to love someone for a REASON don't you? You can't just love someone Just Because? (BTW read Atlas Shrugged and you'll see why this is small 'e' evil.) You can't just love someone because they deserve to be loved or - even worse - because you want to have someone (anyone) in your life?
So I make all these concessions in my head. Even though she breaks a few of my deal-breaker minimum requirements (we got hitched before I realised that there WAS such a thing) (like I would never marry a suicidal person - whoops - I would never marry a negatively minded person - whoops).
There's all this good stuff.
She has the ability to love so openly and thoughtlessly it astounds me. I mean thoughtlessly in that she doesn't stop to think about it - she just gives her time and energy to those she loves.
She is the sweetest person I know - and not in a cutesy Disney way either, but in a womanly and genuine way.
She is deeply principled. True, her principles might not be so anally investigated as mine are (few are) but she sticks to hers much more than I do to mine.
She's a fabulous mother - she adores the children and is giving them the best life a person could hope for. This is really important for me now. This is a real reason for a man to love a woman: she raises his children in a loving environment.
----
So.
There's this list. A few bad things, a great many good things.
Certainly I'm a very lucky man.
True, I could have married a person who isn't psychotic for half the year... but... win some lose some.
----
So, all this time it's been as if _she's_ the lucky one: I count as a pretty good catch on paper. I'm athletic (did I mention that last year I made it Around The Bay In A Day - 210km??) I bike ride and rock climb. I'm great on guitar: chicks dig musicians right? I'm smart and well educated: I was in a special program at high school for geniuses, and now have an honors degree in mechanical engineering. I'm reasonably successful for my age. I'm passionate. I'm pacifist. I'm a great dad, a good provider and a faithful husband.
Which is why I've realised how lucky I am to have her in my life - after all this time, through all this bullsh1t - she must TOTALLY DESPISE ME. I'm arrogant, opinionated, elitist. I'm tactless, preachy, proud. I wouldn't even BE here if she hadn't worked almost full time while I was at uni. There's no WAY I'd be able to bike ride if she wasn't able to support me. 11 years later she's still my first real girl-friend and I'd probably still be sitting on that couch if she hadn't come along and given me a direction to take in life!
In her head, all this time, she's probably been justifying to herself why she's with me. It probably took her years to realise that she would have never chosen to fall in love with someone like me, but that she loves me anyway. I might not be her type, but I'm hers.
This is not the Grand Compromise. It's not Second Best.
This is real life, and it's the two of us going to the trouble of loving each other for the RIGHT reasons, instead of hating each other for the WRONG reasons. It's proof that, no matter what's happened, we've communicated the right things to each other. We're making it.
I have all these flaws. She must REALLY REALLY love me to even want to be around me after all that we've been through together.
----
So, that's it for tonight. I think I've bombed these message boards enough. I think I've typed almost 4000 words tonight.
Tell me if this is a good Speech to say to her on our anniversary:
There's this Shins song that goes,
<I>"If you'd have took to me like a</I>
<I>Gull takes to the wind</I>
<I>Well I'd have jumped from my tree and</I>
<I>I'd have danced like the queen of the eyesores</I>
<I>And the rest of our lives would have faired well."</I>
...and I feel like I've been down here all this time dancing like a madman having the time of my life with you while everyone else is off doing their own thing.
<I>"If you'd have took to me like a</I>
<I>Gull takes to the wind</I>
<I>Well I'd have jumped from my tree and</I>
<I>I'd have danced like the queen of the eyesores</I>
<I>And the rest of our lives would have faired well."</I>
...and I feel like I've been down here all this time dancing like a madman having the time of my life with you while everyone else is off doing their own thing.
