I need some help for my 17 year old step son. He is the reason I searched for this forum so I'm going to put his life out here in hopes someone somewhere can give me advice. Here goes~
My darling Sean met his ex-wife when she was pregnant with Jonathan. She had concieved him through a 1 night stand with a stranger. They searched for his blood Dad when he was a baby due to a heart condition Jonathan has and were never able to find him. (They don't even have a name.) He was a spitting image of his Mom and since Sean seen no difference in him and his blood children, he chose not to tell him otherwise. When they divorced, Sean was still his Dad, paid childsupport, fought for his rights for all 3. And the whole while he was doing that, She and her family kept that secret.
Fast Foward about 4 years.. she moved to North Carolina, and while the courts let her keep custody, she became addicted to drugs. Sean was driving 9 hours every weekend to see them. One weekend when he got here he found they had been taken by DSS earlier that week. ( If you are not familar with the state, once they take a child, you have to jump through hoops to get them back, even if your not the one they were taken from) Had Mom told DSS about Sean, he could have had them without a fight, but after they were in the Foster System, it was hell. To speed it up.. it took a year, lots of money, changing a job that keep him traveling, moving to NC, and about 20 classes or evaluations for Sean to convince them he could raise them. The day he won in court, Mom told Jonathan that Sean was not his "real Dad". He was 14.
Mom died of a drug overdose in June, and although the courts had taken her parental rites years ago, He still allowed her to speak or see them under supervision when she could stay clean for the visit. It was not often, maybe once a month for a half of day. They didn't have the day to day contact, but her death devastated them none the less. It was only after her passing we learned of abuse they suffered.. Dog shock collars on their necks, making them stand outside in the cold while she got high, they helped her shoplift, saw her arrested numerous times and the list is just too long and too sad.
Now, the younger children seem happy and embrace our family and life. They do well in school and social settings, but not Jonathan. He's failing school, doesn't care about anything, says that he really doesn't have a family, and we've caught him smoking pot like 5 times. He even got caught with it at school once. He pulled away from his brothers and sisters and says he can't stand them or his Dad. He is bitter and I don't blame him, but how do we help him?
Before she died, we had a glimpse of his happiness. We sat him down and told him that a birth child, you had no choice but to love.. but that he was chosen, he was loved because he was Jonathan... we chose him everyday. He seemed to enjoy telling his brothers and sisters he was special and then we're back to where we started.
3 days before his mother died, she called him on his cell phone and irritated that he was spending time with me and she was high. She told that I was a b*%ch and that she was calling Social Service because she wanted the kids back in foster care. We found Jonathan screaming on the phone at his Mom that he hated her and to leave us alone and to never call him again. He said some pretty mean things other than that but I'll stop there. Having lost my Mom years ago I spent the next few days trying to convince him, #1, he was safe, I work in Law enforcement and Social Service gives me other peoples children, not take mine away, and #2. She was high and doesn't even know what she's saying, and #3. The importance of never regretting the last thing you say to someone. She died before they had a chance to talk again. I know that has to hurt him. I have to be honest and tell you that I lied to him and told him that she called after their fight and she didn't even remember calling that night. He believed me, but still.. I think he feels like he hurt her because of me.
We've done the therapy thing.. he refuses to talk... AT ALL..
I am sorry I was so long winded.. but now that you know our story.. Can anyone tell me anything to try to help Jonathan learn to love himself and his family again?
My darling Sean met his ex-wife when she was pregnant with Jonathan. She had concieved him through a 1 night stand with a stranger. They searched for his blood Dad when he was a baby due to a heart condition Jonathan has and were never able to find him. (They don't even have a name.) He was a spitting image of his Mom and since Sean seen no difference in him and his blood children, he chose not to tell him otherwise. When they divorced, Sean was still his Dad, paid childsupport, fought for his rights for all 3. And the whole while he was doing that, She and her family kept that secret.
Fast Foward about 4 years.. she moved to North Carolina, and while the courts let her keep custody, she became addicted to drugs. Sean was driving 9 hours every weekend to see them. One weekend when he got here he found they had been taken by DSS earlier that week. ( If you are not familar with the state, once they take a child, you have to jump through hoops to get them back, even if your not the one they were taken from) Had Mom told DSS about Sean, he could have had them without a fight, but after they were in the Foster System, it was hell. To speed it up.. it took a year, lots of money, changing a job that keep him traveling, moving to NC, and about 20 classes or evaluations for Sean to convince them he could raise them. The day he won in court, Mom told Jonathan that Sean was not his "real Dad". He was 14.
Mom died of a drug overdose in June, and although the courts had taken her parental rites years ago, He still allowed her to speak or see them under supervision when she could stay clean for the visit. It was not often, maybe once a month for a half of day. They didn't have the day to day contact, but her death devastated them none the less. It was only after her passing we learned of abuse they suffered.. Dog shock collars on their necks, making them stand outside in the cold while she got high, they helped her shoplift, saw her arrested numerous times and the list is just too long and too sad.
Now, the younger children seem happy and embrace our family and life. They do well in school and social settings, but not Jonathan. He's failing school, doesn't care about anything, says that he really doesn't have a family, and we've caught him smoking pot like 5 times. He even got caught with it at school once. He pulled away from his brothers and sisters and says he can't stand them or his Dad. He is bitter and I don't blame him, but how do we help him?
Before she died, we had a glimpse of his happiness. We sat him down and told him that a birth child, you had no choice but to love.. but that he was chosen, he was loved because he was Jonathan... we chose him everyday. He seemed to enjoy telling his brothers and sisters he was special and then we're back to where we started.
3 days before his mother died, she called him on his cell phone and irritated that he was spending time with me and she was high. She told that I was a b*%ch and that she was calling Social Service because she wanted the kids back in foster care. We found Jonathan screaming on the phone at his Mom that he hated her and to leave us alone and to never call him again. He said some pretty mean things other than that but I'll stop there. Having lost my Mom years ago I spent the next few days trying to convince him, #1, he was safe, I work in Law enforcement and Social Service gives me other peoples children, not take mine away, and #2. She was high and doesn't even know what she's saying, and #3. The importance of never regretting the last thing you say to someone. She died before they had a chance to talk again. I know that has to hurt him. I have to be honest and tell you that I lied to him and told him that she called after their fight and she didn't even remember calling that night. He believed me, but still.. I think he feels like he hurt her because of me.
We've done the therapy thing.. he refuses to talk... AT ALL..
I am sorry I was so long winded.. but now that you know our story.. Can anyone tell me anything to try to help Jonathan learn to love himself and his family again?
