adopted daughter...

[artcoreplayer]

I legally adopted my oldest daughter at 2 years old and within the 8 subsequent years my wife and I have had 2 more children (both girls).

Because my wifes first marriage ended due to the biological fathers abandonment and awful physical abuse,, we have no contact with him at all. His rights were legally terminated and I gladly stepped in to fill the roll.. We dont speak of him barely at all.

I worry she'll resent me and her sisters at some point,, feel like a outsider in her own family. It makes me sick to think of her drifting away from me.

Her mother and I are at a loss on how/or when to approach the topic.

This is not to say we've never talked about it at all with her,,, My wife did explain in no uncertain terms what happened and why,, and maintains a pretty open dialect about things.

Any advice would be great

 

[Dadu2004]

Honestly, being that you entered her life at such an early age, you're all she'll ever know and remember. I personally don't think there will ever be any resentment especially if you have a good relationship with her.

 

[artcoreplayer]

Thanks for the reply. This makes me feel a little better. We have a good open relationship, but as the teen years appear on the horizon :yikes: and I notice more random discontent, I wonder how i'll disern between teen angst and something deeper.

When I notice she's angry or fighting excessively with her 5 yo sister, I try everything to get her to talk to me,, she just states she "doesn't like to talk about her feelings."

 

[IADad]

I think your efforts to keep that dialogue ope is a key.

You know, that random discontent will happen whether she was adopted or not. I suspect she will at some point throw out and unkink and not well thought out word to hurt you (for your sake I hope not, but ask the parents of teens, it happens) and you have to remember it isn't her rational mind talking, it's that hormone filled lost soul who's stuck between childhood and adult. She'll need to you have a thick skin and keep loving....good advice for all of us really.

As for not liking to talk about her feelings, can you share some empathy with her, tell her you understand, you used to be that way (whther you are/were or not.) just anything to keep any kind of conversation going?

 

[artcoreplayer]

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate the feedback, I really am working at a mindful open dialogue filled with empathy with all my daughters. But this relationship with my oldest has me on edge a bit. Maybe its because she's going to be our first teenager and I have alot of fears about raising 3 teen girls in general (anybody know any good dad and daughter parenting books btw?). I dont know, I worry i'm going to get emotional circles ran around me, and while I have fears for each of my girls, with my oldest I'm just terrified that she might ever say "well your not my real dad",,, that would sting bad,, I will always love her and thick skin I do have and I'm sure i'll deal with it fine should it arise.

oh quick question I never really thought of until right now. Since I legally adopted her, she is just considered my "daughter" not my "step-daughter" correct?

Just recently my oldest and 5 year old and myself were watching some random TV show, and the plot contained a character who was "adopted" and for some reason it carried a negative connotation in this show,,, anyway, my five year old looked right at my oldest, and then to me, and pleaded with me to change the channel saying she didnt want to watch it anymore looking very upset, my oldest didn't seem shaken by it,, I asked her later if she was ok and if she wanted to talk about it,, she said no,, tI said thats ok and she can talk to me whenever about whatever.

 

[coatkl7]

First of all, I commend you on your adoption of your wife's child. Growing up my family was very big into adoption for many reasons, and my parents faced a similar dilemma to yours right now.

The best thing to do is tell her when she is old enough to understand, but not wait too long. My younger brother was adopted from South Korea, a little different, but he was abandoned as well so needed a home. Every year my mother would show him updates on his birth mother, which to this day I think have kept him grounded and have helped him not to resent my mother and father.
Stay strong, and take it slow, and go day to day. Keeping it form her when she is old enough to understand, however, will simply backfire in your face. I truly believe honesty is the best policy, but maybe wait until she can understand a little better.
Best of luck, and I hope this advice was of some help.