Advice needed: 6yo step daughter...

[Solost987]

I've been 'mom' to my step daughter since she was just over 2. Her bio mom is the typical deadbeat. She has picked sd up a handful of times for her parenting time since I've been in the picture but only twice before that. In the last 3 years she has picked her up twice. My husband has had her solely since sd was 7 months old. Let me make it clear that I do not resent my sd having a bio mom. Or when she gets to go visit her bio mom. I do resent all the promises the bio mom makes when she bothers to call and almost never makes good on those promises. I'm very careful not to let on though. I've asked questions on forums before and people seem to automatically assume that I'm making everything about me so I want to make it clear that I'm certainly not trying to do that.

Okay, the issue... bio mom moves every 3 months or so. The last year its been various places in the next state over. She did move back to our area for 3 weeks about 3 months ago. Made all kinds of promises about picking up sd every other weekend. Then moved to the next state over without a word. She was supposed to pick up sd for xmas this year. We allow sd to call her bio mom whenever she wants because bio mom wouldn't make the effort. Every call she counted down the days with sd until her xmas visit. Then told my husband a few days before xmas that she was too broke to come get her. My husband asked her to call and gently explain it to my sd. But she made up excuses every day not to do it so my husband finally told her he would just do it.

Yesterday I found out that sd thinks its mine and my husbands fault that she cant see her mom. We dont 'let' her. I don't think its my place to try to explain it to her, her father should. The problem I'm having is if he explains it he will tell her the truth. And not gently. I'm not saying he would intentionally hurt her feelings but tact isn't one of his strong suits. I'm not even sure how this kind of thing can be explained gently??? I don't want to have her think her bio mom doesn't love her, because she does. She just loves herself more. Is it better to just let her blame us and resent us for it? Or attempt to explain it and hope it comes off nicely?

Oh I am so lost on this problem. Her bio mom isnt planning to come pick her up until august for her summer visitation and sd asks every day how much longer. I tried to explain it in months form because that number sounds so much faster than by the days. The last 2 days she's hidden and cried about it. Its heartbreaking.

I didn't grow up with split parents so I don't pretend to understand how hard it must be. Bio moms visits keep getting fewer and farther between and I keep hoping that, because she's so young, that not really knowing Mommy will make it easier for her to adjust but she just seems to become more attached and more hurt by the broken promises. Maybe because she's getting old enough to get excited about promises and hurt more when they're broken? I really dont know. I'm really really hoping someone out there can give me some insight/advice.

Thanks for reading and I hope it all makes sense.

 

[artmom]

I experienced an MIA dad, so I know how hard it is. However, when that's all you know you can expect from a "parent" you start to accept it.

Since your husband has prime custody and bio mom is leading an unstable lifestyle, I think it's okay to exercise your step parenting rights now and be more involved. Have you discussed your concerns with your husband? It's a good idea to do so before you take any action in mentioning anything to your sd.

Your sd is confused and hurt. Lashing out at whomever is closer to her is natural. Don't take it to heart. She doesn't know the situation and that is frustrating. Kids just don't know how to manage their emotions so they will have tantrums and say things they don't mean, and cannot possibly know what they are referring to if they cannot comprehend the issue.

It's best not to explain everything. One rule I have is that no matter how rotten the other parent is, never talk bad about them to the kids. Even if it affects the kids.

Telling your sd that her mom loves her is good and keep it at that. When she is older she will eventually figure things out, but she will be more mature and able to convey her own thoughts about everything.
But for now, keep your feelings about her bio mom on the down low around her like you are now. Remind sd that she cannot take out her frustrations out on you and that you are there to listen when she wants to open up. Don't feed into her emotions or talk to much. Sometimes, kids just need to do all the talking to get out everything in their heads.

There is no gentle way of explaining a complex issue and it's not fair to the child when the subject isn't there to give her side off things.
Keep your head up and work on continuing to establish a maternal relationship with her. She needs a mother in her life and that's you moreso than bio-mom.

 

[Solost987]

Thank you for your reply. I did talk to my husband. He's as lost on it as I am. Although, he wants to blame bio mom. He thinks it's probably something she told my sd. I'm not sure. In the beginning, the first 2 times sd visited mommy, sd came back telling me things like i was going to die. Don't worry, i didn't take it personally. I just laughed that kind of thing off and responded with 'well I sure hope not. I have to work tomorrow.' Or something like that. So I understand his suspicions but that kind of thing hasn't happened for years.

As far as my opinion of bio mom... thats a product of watching the broken promises and having to deal with her myself while my husband was deployed for a year. It was awful. She lied a lot, was never excited when i tried to share happy/important news about her daughter, i even had to bully her into calling her daughter for her birthday because thats what sd wanted more than anything, etc. I do and will absolutely continue to keep my personal opinion and thoughts to myself. And, honestly, I try to hold out hope that she will change as time goes on but so far it just doesn't seem likely.

Sd just told me this morning the rest of the story. When she called bio mom on xmas day, she was told that the roads were too slick to come get her but she would come later that week instead. Obviously, that time frame has passed with no call and no appearance. So when I was explaining how long until summer I was inadvertently telling sd it wasn't going to happen. I feel awful. I accidentally broke the news that bio mom had moved out of state again on Christmas. She had moved over a month before and i thought sd had been told. I guess i need to keep my big mouth shut but idk how to do that when her dad works a lot and I'm the one there and the one she talks to about it. When I told sd about bio mom moving out of state again i was trying to make her feel better about not getting picked up for Christmas and telling her that at least when she gets to go next time it will be warmer so she can go to the beach and how fun that would be.

I'm not feeling like a very good mom at the moment. This step parenting thing has more mine fields than i ever expected. I don't regret it at all but i sure wish there was a manual or one of those dummies books.

 

[artmom]

Parenting is loaded with challenges and it's inevitable you will make many mistakes along the way. But don't beat yourself up about it. It will almost feel unfair that the bio mom is putting you and your sd in this situation. Bio mom may never change.
If you need extra support at any time you can speak to the school guidance counsellor. They can help parents just as much as they help students.
You can also reach out to your family for support.
As far as "bullying" bio mom to call sd, it's not a good idea. As sad and disappointed as your sd will be, bio mom may deem it harassment and might cause more problems.
Frankly, bio mom seems like a toxic person in your sd's life. If bio mom doesn't want to be a mom, then leave it be and concentrate on continuing a relationship with your sd.
Maybe have a talk with your husband about going after full custody.

 

[Solost987]

I didn't think about that when I was trying to get sd her birthday phone call. I will remember that in the future.

My husband has sole custody. Bio mom signed sd over and has visitation. In her words 'I just want to be happy. You can just have her.'. So toxic is probably not far off the truth. He wants to file unfit parent against bio mom but doesn't have the proof he needs. She did show up with a bad cigarette burn more than once as a toddler but dhs wasnt very helpful other than to state there had been calls to them about bio mom when she had sd with her. He got an attorney but it never went anywhere because bio mom claimed them as accidents and he couldnt prove otherwise. Now that sd is older she just spoils her rotten when she does see her.

 

[marrykerry77]

<t>Try to wait, be sincere with you stepdaughter and don't try to argue with her for she’s too little to easily express her personal opinion – she is influenced ONLY by grown-ups. Show her that you’re always there for her when her bio mother is away for no reason. Make her understand that you’re nothing like her bio mom says – she will appreciate it when she’s older.</t>

 

[Lisa Bunnage]

I'm a parenting coach and have a different spin on this. Some of my clients are in nasty custody battles so I've heard a lot of negative stuff. But when the other parent is letting the child down I tell my client to go along with it, that is, join the child in being disappointed and hurt. Never bad mouth the other parent but just say things like, "Oh no, I'm so disappointed she didn't turn up. I was so looking forward to you having fun with her, etc., etc." This puts you on the child's "team" if you will so she almost feels as if it's not just directed at her. Also, it takes the blame off of you if you are on her "team". It's just giving her someone to share the experience with rather than feeling so alone. She'll eventually figure this out but that doesn't usually happen until they're around 11 or 12 ... or even longer.

 

[babybibsplus]

I agree with the parenting coach. Show her that you are also sad that mom didn't show up again and let her know that you love her and will support her always.