advice needed to handle a spoiled and attention seeker baby...

[momat18]

i want some advice on how to deal my 2 year old who is very spoiled. he is the only baby in my family so everybody spoiled him a lot including me. we gave him, whatever he asked for and when he cried, everybody used to make a fuss and give him so much attention that now he is totally spoiled. now he is 2 year old and he cries often just to get my attention. he would wail as if he is in pain and would bang his head on the floor and on the walls, just to get my attention. i am trying to ignore him when he cries and i go out of his sight. but then he starts to call 'mama' 'mama' and when i answer back, he starts to cry again. he would deliberately bang his head and come to me pointing to his head that he is hurt so i would soothe him. i dont usually soothe him because i know he did it deliberately but even then, he does it all the time.

can someone give any advice how to deal with the situation.

 

[Squishy]

Well, just as an FYI, I never, ever liked the term 'spoiled', it suggests rotten milk or bread with that fuzzy blue mold on it. Kids don't spoil, you know, they're not ruined. They just adapt to how we parent them.

What you have here is terrible two + active learning. So, the short answer here is that you have to provide a different set of learning experiences for him/her. Instead of responding to bad behavior, try to recalibrate yourself and respond to good behavior, go out of your way to emotionally reinforce ("Good boy! That's so good that you're doing that!!") good behavior. Likewise, with bad behavior, you want to give a short, clear 'NO!", and a concise explanation, along with the proper, desired behavior.

Kids respond to us, so the best way to change their behavior is to change our on. Start by recognizing hat you;re doing to subtly (and not so subtly) reinforce the bad behaviors, and substitute other responses. To things to keep in mind here: First, don't expect immediate results, Two takes a while to figure out the game has changed. Second, remember that Two will also do anything for your attention, they are security freaks, so as long as you keep your cool and provide both positive attention for good stuff, as well as showing mild displeasure with bad stuff...and a redirect so he learns....you'll prevail.

 

[momat18]

Well, just as an FYI, I never, ever liked the term 'spoiled', it suggests rotten milk or bread with that fuzzy blue mold on it. Kids don't spoil, you know, they're not ruined. They just adapt to how we parent them.

What you have here is terrible two + active learning. So, the short answer here is that you have to provide a different set of learning experiences for him/her. Instead of responding to bad behavior, try to recalibrate yourself and respond to good behavior, go out of your way to emotionally reinforce ("Good boy! That's so good that you're doing that!!") good behavior. Likewise, with bad behavior, you want to give a short, clear 'NO!", and a concise explanation, along with the proper, desired behavior.

Kids respond to us, so the best way to change their behavior is to change our on. Start by recognizing hat you;re doing to subtly (and not so subtly) reinforce the bad behaviors, and substitute other responses. To things to keep in mind here: First, don't expect immediate results, Two takes a while to figure out the game has changed. Second, remember that Two will also do anything for your attention, they are security freaks, so as long as you keep your cool and provide both positive attention for good stuff, as well as showing mild displeasure with bad stuff...and a redirect so he learns....you'll prevail.

you have no idea how much we respond to good behavior. he is not like that with everyone. he plays with daddy and when he gets hurt, even slightly, he would make faces and come to me. when my husband is not at home, he would be cranky and would cry for no reason, would bang his head, throw tantrums, when he gets back, he would instantly start playing like a good boy. he knows that i tell him not to do certain things like spitting so he deliberately does it in front of me so that i say no. when i am not looking, he would call me and do it and he even laughs when i get irritated. its like a game for him, bother mama so she gets irritated. everything that i tell him not to do, he would do more.

 

[Squishy]

Right, I'm sure you're responding to good behavior. Try ignoring the bad stuff, it sounds like he's figured out that irritating you gets a response. Try to not take it personally, just ignore it.

This won't change immediately, you have to be consistent and patient.

 

[Trina]

<r>Sounds like typical toddler behavior to me. My son was a head banger at that age. It's fairly common and your son isn't "spoiled". He could be hungry, tired, frustrated or in pain (teething, ear infection). A good article below from Parent Center dot com.<br/>
<br/>
<B><s></s>Why does my toddler purposely bang his head?<e></e></B><br/>
<br/>
Head banging is surprisingly common. Up to 20 percent of babies and toddlers bang their head on purpose, although boys are three times more likely to do it than girls. Head banging often starts in the second half of the first year and peaks between 18 and 24 months of age. Your child's head banging habit may last for several months, or even years, though most children outgrow it by age 3.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
Possible reasons your toddler may bang his head:
&lt;LIST&gt;&lt;s&gt;<LIST>

• <LI>&lt;/s&gt;
  &lt;LI&gt;&lt;s&gt;</LI><LI>
• &lt;/s&gt;Self-comfort. As strange as it may sound, most toddlers who indulge in this behavior do it to relax. They bang their head rhythmically as they're falling asleep, when they wake up in the middle of the night, or even while they're sleeping. Some rock on all fours as well. Developmental experts believe that the rhythmic motion, like rocking in a chair, may help your toddler soothe himself.&lt;/LI&gt;
  &lt;LI&gt;&lt;s&gt;</LI><LI>
• &lt;/s&gt;Pain relief. Your toddler may also bang his head if he's in pain — from teething or an ear infection, for example. Head banging seems to help kids feel better, perhaps by distracting them from the discomfort in their mouth or ear.&lt;/LI&gt;
  &lt;LI&gt;&lt;s&gt;</LI><LI>
• &lt;/s&gt;Frustration. If your toddler bangs his head during temper tantrums, he's probably trying to vent some strong emotions. He hasn't yet learned to express his feelings adequately through words, so he's using physical actions. And again, he may be comforting himself during this very stressful event.&lt;/LI&gt;
  &lt;LI&gt;&lt;s&gt;</LI><LI>
• &lt;/s&gt;A need for attention. Ongoing head banging may also be a way for your toddler to get attention. Understandably, you may tend to become solicitous when you see your child doing something that appears self-destructive. And since he likes it when you fuss over his behavior, he may continue the head banging in order to get the attention he wants.&lt;/LI&gt;
  &lt;LI&gt;&lt;s&gt;</LI><LI>
• &lt;/s&gt;A developmental problem. Head banging can be associated with autism and other developmental disorders — but in most of these cases, it's just one of many behavioral red flags. Rarely does head banging alone signal a serious problem.&lt;/LI&gt;
  &lt;e&gt;</LI>

</LIST>&lt;/e&gt;&lt;/LIST&gt;&lt;/r&gt;

 

[parentastic]

he is not like that with everyone. he plays with daddy and when he gets hurt, even slightly, he would make faces and come to me. when my husband is not at home, he would be cranky and would cry for no reason, would bang his head, throw tantrums, when he gets back, he would instantly start playing like a good boy.

Momat18, could you elaborate a little bit on the kind of behavior you usually have with your son and the kind of behavior his daddy has with him on a regular basis in the past year or so?
Do you and his father have different ways to behave with him?
How do usually handle discipline? How different is it between both of you? How would his daddy usually respond when he gets hurts (such as falling down) and how would you? How would his dad usually react when he makes a mess (like spilling a glass of water) and how would you?
Are both of you present with him all the time? Most of the time? Little time? Does he go to daycare? Who is present and who works? How does he usually sleeps at night? Is it difficult or easy to put him to sleep?
Is he an only child or does he has siblings? Has something important happened recently in the family (moving, divorce, newborn, etc) ?

I know it's a lot of questions. If you can provide the answer, I might be able to help, or at least hint at what is going on and offer some insights.
But I need to understand the family dynamics a bit more first.

he knows that i tell him not to do certain things like spitting so he deliberately does it in front of me so that i say no. when i am not looking, he would call me and do it and he even laughs when i get irritated. its like a game for him, bother mama so she gets irritated. everything that i tell him not to do, he would do more.

Sounds very typical of a 2-years-old "no" stage. See my post here on the punishment thread for some tips about how to handle unwanted behavior effectively.

Be well,
Nicolas, Family Life Educator

 

[BayAreaLei]

I got into similar problems with both my kids when they are young. I don't really believe it is because it is you have only one kids. Based on my experience, every kids needs some attention and would find ways to get it.

I found it was helpful to set up a clear rule and follow the rule. Eventually, kids understand banging head would not be the reason for parents to say yes but the rule matters.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck!

 

[alter ego]

i think its just 'terrible 2s'
we either avert tantrums by distracting, or cuddle our children and explain that we understand they are frustrated, but *explain situation* (ie xyz is dangerous and they cant have/do it, we ask for a drink with our words, its time to go home from the park)
we very rarely have a huge tantrum, but my youngest is definitely the loudest!

 

[sleeper01]

I've gotten really good at blocking out crying. I've notice there is a difference between a cry for attention vs cry of hurt. Have you tried ignoring your child's cry for attention.?

 

[parentastic]

I've gotten really good at blocking out crying. I've notice there is a difference between a cry for attention vs cry of hurt. Have you tried ignoring your child's cry for attention.?

Never, NEVER ignore your child's cry.
Attention is a need.
Just like oxygen.

See the thread on delayed gratification for a description of what happens when a parent ignores a child's cries or respond to it on the parent's terms, under attachment patterns.

Nicolas, Family Life Educator

 

[alter ego]

agreed! ^^^
id never ignore our kids, and because i respond quickly they rarely get upset.

 

[MomMamaMommy]

I think you've conquered the first problem already: you realize that there's a problem and that you're partly to blame for the situation. It also sounds like you're on the right track by trying to ignore the behavior--you definitely need to continue to stop reinforcing the bad habits. But letting your child hurt himself to get attention isn't really a good solution, either.

You need to start teaching your son how to get your attention in appropriate ways. Start by giving him attention when he <I>isn't</I> asking for it: praise him for good behavior (good job eating all your dinner! I like the way you colored that picture! etc.). When he starts acting up, hitting his head and screaming for your attention, try to isolate him somewhere that he can't hurt himself and tell him he's having a time out so he can calm down. Maybe a pillow in a corner or something? You're going to have to be firm with him and put him back in the time-out spot when he tries to leave it. Keep physical contact and speaking to a minimum, though, because that's what he wants.

Good luck. You've got your work cut out for you, but you can do it! Don't give up or it'll only get worse!

 

[Anne M]

... its like a game for him, bother mama so she gets irritated. everything that i tell him not to do, he would do more.

Seems like negative behavior is being encouraged (and I'm sure you don't mean to). It sounds like your child knows that if he does "action a", mommy will respond to him. So what you can do is ignore it and find out why he really is seeking your attention.

Here's a link I found incredibly useful. It's an article from John Rosemond, a parenting expert who warns parents NOT to take their children's bait: Parenting Expert: How NOT to take your kids' bait (please just search for it on Google)

You may find the solution to your problem there. Hope it helps!

 

[FrancisJ]

I just read an excellent magazine dealing with this. It shows that up to age two a baby can get the impression that the adult world is there purely to serve him or her. Then at about age two the bubble bursts as the parent shifts roles from caretaker to instructor. Now the baby must realize the parents are not following his lead anymore and he or she must follow theirs. It's a very illuminating discussion. If you want more information just email me on francisjsf11 at gmail.com

 

[alter ego]

I think you've conquered the first problem already: you realize that there's a problem and that you're partly to blame for the situation. It also sounds like you're on the right track by trying to ignore the behavior--you definitely need to continue to stop reinforcing the bad habits. But letting your child hurt himself to get attention isn't really a good solution, either.

You need to start teaching your son how to get your attention in appropriate ways. Start by giving him attention when he <I>isn't</I> asking for it: praise him for good behavior (good job eating all your dinner! I like the way you colored that picture! etc.). When he starts acting up, hitting his head and screaming for your attention, try to isolate him somewhere that he can't hurt himself and tell him he's having a time out so he can calm down. Maybe a pillow in a corner or something? You're going to have to be firm with him and put him back in the time-out spot when he tries to leave it. Keep physical contact and speaking to a minimum, though, because that's what he wants.

Good luck. You've got your work cut out for you, but you can do it! Don't give up or it'll only get worse!

This is great advice. The only thing I do differently is to name the emotion, and have time IN instead of time out.
eg "I think you are cross cos mummy wont give you a biscuit. We cant eat biscuits now cos lunch is coming. Can you please help with and put this in the bin?"
if the behaviour escalates and turns to self harm, then "I can see you are frustrated. Lets sit quietly until you feel better." And then sit with them in a safe place until they can control their emotions

 

[candice]

I've gone through the terrible 2s as well. All of this sounds soooo familiar. But it does get better, through patience and time.I didn't think it would happen, but it eventually got better.
I actually just talked about this in my blog: loveandkids.wordpress.com

 

[klad1987]

My 3 year old is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. We have a very large family and because of that our son gets everything he wants. Grandparents tend to be the worst. What we began doing is enforcing his positive behavior and ignorning the negative. When he would start to be bad or cry we would change the subject or go into a different room and do something else. He has become a pro at playing by himself and not needing us for every little thing. Even boo-boo's are no big thing with him now. hopefully this helps!

 

[robin480az]

try and ignore the negitive,,and focus on the postive..its normal terrible 2's..been there done that..lol

 

[momtoallkids]

this might sound messed up and ill probably get critisizm for it but get the kid kung fu head gear and every time he starts banging his head, put the head gear on him. it will prevent him from actually hurting himself and at the same time he will realize that if hes going to do that then hes gonna look weird doing it. he will also realize that it no longer hurts and he wont have a reason for doing it.

when my 10yo gets fustrated he tends to bang his head off of things kinda like a self punishment thing. he doesnt do it as much anymore because when he does i hand him the helmet and tell him to put it on so he doesnt get hurt. he gets into such a fit of laughing that he doesnt bother anymore.