Advice needed...

[hockeyguy]

So my wife is a stepparent to my now 18 yr old son. We have had full custody for 8 years and 50% prior to that. My wife has had an amazing relationship with him for 15 years. Now she loves him but dislikes him. She hates that his birthmother does nothing for him and we had to take her to court to get a lousy $25/week support (she immediately became disabled when she lost the case).

Anyway, my wife also hates the fact that she feels he is lazy like his mother. Currently he's a full time college student. He spends too much time sleeping and playing video games I agree. He ended up with a B,B-, C+ and had to drop one class after attending the entire semester. I had already told him that we would pay for A' and B's, but nothing else, so the others will come from his college saving fund.

She wants him to get a job (continue school) and start paying for his own car insurance ($200/month). She's tired of seeing him so lazy. I think it would be different if he got all A's, but he's never been an academic, and he's always been a bad test taker. He never misses class, is in good shape, and uses no alcohol or drugs.

What should I do?

 

[stjohnjulie]

I guess I don't think it's unreasonable to make him pay for car insurance given what you described. If he has extra time to play a lot of video games and sleep, well, he has enough time to have a part time job.

I like the idea of paying for classes that result in an A or a B. But I don't know if it's really making a huge impact on him since the rest is coming from a 'college fund'. If that isn't money he has access to anyhow, it's probably no skin off his teeth. Maybe you can tell him if he gets all A's and B's that you'll pay for car insurance??? And he can keep the money he makes at his future part time job???

To me, it sounds like he is old enough to start taking on some of his own financial responsibilities. Better start now! Unless you want him to be living with you into his 30's

I don't think his behavior is unusual though. I mean, most people would comfortably stay in a situation where they are taken care of. I've always thought one of our main jobs as parents is to make sure we raise our kids so they can be independent contributing members of society. We can't take care of them forever!

 

[hockeyguy]

Well said Julie. Thank you for your honest opinion.

 

[sbattisti]

I would agree with stjohnjulie's comments in general.

As another note, I just think you should be careful, when you present these new rules, to do so in a positive light. If this comes across as "you're too damn lazy" it's not going to go well.

Another possibility is to make it a team thing. Rather than making it about "making it his responsibility," tell him that the cost of the classes is a challenge for you, and that you need him to start contributing. Whether that's by paying for his own car insurance, or paying a portion of his classes, let him decide. Just a thought that this might go over better than issuing an edict. (Of course, if you're independently wealthy it might be harder to plead poor.)

Good luck!

 

[loveydoveybabyk]

talk to her and compromise. My husband and I have a thing with his kids, if they're old enough to have a car and drive it then they're old enough to pay the insurance. we pay for college as long as the gpa is over 3.0. if they have a job before college and into college we'll pay as long as the gpa is over 2.6.

we let them have as much responsibility as they want and how much they have depends on how much we help them out. I think you should talk to your wife and come up with a plan like that. doesnt have to be exactly like that because you're family isnt the same as ours. good luck!

 

[lil mama]

I agree, point out to her those good qualities about him. And talk to her, im sure you guys will be able to compromise. good luck and good job on your parenting so far!

 

[Arob]

he sounds like a perfectly average dare I say normal teenager - they sleep too much and play too many videos. He needs a REAL JOB, just for a couple of months.

 

[jerrys]

When you have a job, your boss outlines his/her expectations. Do the same.

 

[NancyM]

Is it possible that your wife might be taking out on him what she resents about his mother.

Quote: "Now she loves him but dislikes him. She hates that his birthmother does nothing for him and we had to take her to court to get a lousy $25/week support (she immediately became disabled when she lost the case)."

Quote: "Anyway, my wife also hates the fact that she feels he is lazy like his mother"

Quote: " She wants him to get a job (continue school) and start paying for his own car insurance ($200/month)."

I think it's healthy for young people to work, and I also believe that if your family is in financial need that it's ok for our kids to kick in.

But If that is the case, maybe you could pay for his college with his college fund and not out of pocket, it might help ease the financial burden and stress on your wife.

Just my thoughts

 

[Chrissie]

Yeah hes just being a normal teenager, hes doing what every other (95%) of teens in america are doing LOL! My husband and I have already decided the same about our kids cars, if our kids want them they have to earn them and pay for them (we have 4, 3 are tweens now, we kinda don't have a choice of spoilage LOL!). I think he just needs a job or a hobby to get his butt moving. Whichever you two think is best, try talking with your wife or maybee have her read on here, if she has no experience with teens I can tell ya thats prolly why she isn't getting it. I was the oldest of my family, and man my daddy never let me have nothing I worked for everything I had, including the clothes on my back, my baby sister spoiled to death...Only kids tend to get a little of both..I'd outline clear expectations and consequences (realistically) and make his butt get a part timer to pay for his insurance..

I do really think Its important to talk with her about NOT comparing him to her..she might be his mother, but hes his own person and all of you have had share in making him who he is..If she feels hes following his mothers bad example (we go through this my my step babies Mama..ALOT) Then she can lead stronger examples for him, by working with him, taking him out Job hunting, teaching him a new art or craft besides video games! LOL! Heck all of you can do it together, just cause he's 18 does not mean he does not still need guidance ... I can tell you this works great with our 2, and we have allot of bad influence from their mother...good luck!

 

[Antoinette]

i think he should be paying his own car insurance as it is his car and having a car is a privilege.

i agree with you, paying for A's and B's. i would not pay anything else, even if he is a bad test taker, if he spent less time sleeping and on the computer he could turn those C's into B's and B's into A's. Trust me, i was never really an academic but i managed to pass high school with B's and C's and i passed my Cert II and Cert III in Children's services and now am studying for my Diploma in Children's services. i have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. (i had a new born in high school then another newborn while getting my Cert III)

if i can do it with 2 babies he can do it with none.

he probably isn't lazy though, just comfortable. if you don't have to do things you get used to it and then of course you don't want to do them. it is just natural. just sit down and have a talk with him

 

[babymaggie1]

I have three children and its difficult to tend to each of their needs. however I do the best i can.
I travel frequently and I am trying to determine if I should take my newborn to France with me this June. I have a wedding to attend for a close friend of mine.

I spoke with my doctor and she assured me everything would be fine.

 

[CountyGirl]

I can see where your wife is coming from, as I am in a similar situation... I'm just speaking from my point of view and experience here, but I feel it safe to assume, that it may not so much be a case of your wife "disliking" your son, but more so not feeling appreciated or respected... as I know this is how I feel. My step childrens mother, also claims disability in order to not have to pay support, and does absolutely nothing for them... cancels visits notoriously, and is always letting them down, so i'm left caring for my 4, plus my step children, and doing all the motherly duties that come a long with that, yet she gets all the credit of being their Mommy, and can do know wrong in their eyes... and they don't respect me or appreciate anything I do. Well thats the way it seems anyway. And trust me, i'm not complaining about doing anything for them, because I love them dearly... but once you've gone a while being and acting as their mother, while their bio mom pretends to be sick during the week, and party during the weekend... and she gets all the love and credit... well... it kind of gets annoying... I don't have much advice other then if your situation is at all similar to mine, try and understand where your wife is coming from (which i sounds like you do) and give her a big hug, and let her know that you appreciate her
Wishing you all the best!

 

[CountyGirl]

Babymaggie, (love the name btw, so cute!) I would have to agree with your doctor, I did a lot of travelling when my twin girls were infants, and they always came with me... nothing to worry about hun, your baby will be fine