Advise concerning religious difference...

[Dfeller]

Greetings and Salutations!

I am seeking the advise of parents who may have once been in my current situation, or who are dealing with an issue that's at the top of my mind at the moment.

A year and a half ago, my ex girlfriend informed me she was pregnant. Since then, we've been able to make great progress in understanding each other and we've been able to be very civil when it comes to making decisions. Currently, we do live together, but not in the capacity of partners, just co-parents. Our son will be turning 1 very soon.

Obviously, at age 1, he will not be contemplating the meaning of life, or exploring his beliefs on existence and religion, but it's something that I know will be discussed in the future, and probably sooner than I'd expect. So here's my dilemma: I am vehemently Atheist. I do not believe in god, and do not participate in any form of religious activity. On the other side of things, my ex was raised catholic, and has [sort of] converted to muslim. Currently, she is practicing aspects of both religions. But no matter which one she ultimately aligns more with, neither of them are even close to what I believe.

I do not want to lie to my son, EVER. So I've been having a hard time deciding what to do with this situation with religion. If both me and his mom were atheist, or of the same religious denomination, then it wouldn't be too hard because we would be giving him the same information. However, we are NOT the same, and will undoubtedly be expressing our beliefs about god and religion differently to our son.

Here are the major goals I want to accomplish:

1. I don't want to lie. I don't want to tell my son that if he believes in jesus he will go to heaven, because to me, that would be a lie. TO ME that would be doing the wrong thing, morally.

2. I don't want to confuse him.. I understand that as a child develops he/she has to use what his parents lay down as groundwork in order to build his or her own beliefs on life. If me and the mom are constantly telling him different things, I feel like it will be too confusing for a young mind to comprehend.

3. I don't want to anger my ex. weather me and his mom are together or not, I still want to maintain a healthy friendship with her. she will be in my life, weather I like it or not for the REST of my life and I do not want to start a battle over something like this. I would prefer to keep all parties happy.

4. I want him to eventually have the mental freedom to explore whatever religion or belief makes the most sense to him. Obviously, we will be major influencers in that decision, but ultimately I want him to believe in something that is meaningful to him...TRULY meaningful, and not just participate in something because his mom says he should, or because his dad say's that's what's right. I believe when exploring ones existence, one must use his or her intuition and trust their feelings to decide what they believe and NOT be wrongly influenced by those around him (or her). This is a freedom that I believe is not afforded by most organized religions.

So in summary, I'm seeking the advise of someone who has been through a similar situation. Not necessarily that you are an atheist, like me, but that you have had to deal with a differing opinion with the other parent about religion. How did you overcome those differences? how can I best satisfy my major goals when concerning this?

Any advise would be GREATLY appreciated.

Sincerely,

-Dan

 

[Dadu2004]

I've never been faced with this situation as drastically as you, but a touch I suppose. I'm a practicing Christian and my ex-wife isn't really practicing anything. She isn't an atheist, she doesn't really practice or believe in much of anything. She knows how important it is to me to raise my daughter in a Christian environment and supports me in that endeavor. In fact, it's written in our divorce agreement.

Now, that won't greatly benefit you (my experience) because you believe in one thing and she believes in basically the complete opposite thing. The only thing I can suggest is that you speak to your girlfriend about dealing with this. My suggestion is that as the child grows older, you expose him to all different beliefs and let him decide on his own. Understand, this won't happen at age 3 or 5 or 9, but will be a long process throughout his life. Maybe explain that different people believe in different things and that doesn't necessarily make it wrong or right, just that he needs to find what he believes in.

If your ex won't support this, then I'm not sure what to say. Catholics and Muslims alike instill beliefs in children at a very young age.

Good luck, and welcome to PF!

 

[Dfeller]

Thank you very much for your swift reply to this. I appreciate you advise. I think you're right about it being a process, not a single moment at age 3, 5 or 9. I suppose what's important is maintaining healthy morals, and helping him develop his own beliefs along the way. And I especially agree about teaching the value of religious tolerance, informing him that many people across the world believe different things, and not that any one of them is right or wrong...just different. perhaps explaining that mom and dad are just two expressions of a difference in the world's collective beliefs is a good way to re-enforce to him that it's perfectly ok to believe what ever makes the most sense to him.

Thank you again for your reply, Dadu2004. I have a feeling I'll be using this site more and more now that my little one is getting older. (I still can't believe he's almost 1...)

 

[Dadu2004]

You're welcome Dan, best of luck to you.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Religious people believe in God, atheists believe there's no God. What's common about them? They believe.

Actually, believing in God, doesn't restrict building your own set of beliefs and values. It makes it easier.

 

[Dadu2004]

Religious people believe in God, atheists believe there's no God. What's common about them? They believe.

Actually, believing in God, doesn't restrict building your own set of beliefs and values. It makes it easier.

I don't think that actually addresses his concern. I don't think he's saying that believing in God or not will restrict building his own beliefs.

 

[IADad]

It's hard for me to not interject my own beliefs into answering you but I'll try to approach it dispassionately. First of all I'ma a Catholic, just so you know something about who's talking with you. I was raised protestant and chose Catholicism.

I have not shared your experience, but I couple of thoughts come to mind you may want to consider.

First of all, is it confusing to teach a child that various people of the world believe in different things and some can actually ponder those beliefs with respect for each other and careful consideration? Kids start to pick up on that stuff pretty early. So, while I don't think you need to "lie" and teach the virtues of belieivng in Christ, neither do you have to argue against them.

I think it's good when a couple can raise a child in a common belief system simply because without that commonality, they usually (not always) end up being raised without much religious direcction at all. You and your ex seem to be consious self-examining sort of people who might be able to bring a variety of traditions and practices to his experience. But I'd hope you do so actively. I don't think a kid would necessarily be confused, as long as he's not in a situation where each parent is telling him the other is lying...

Hope that in some way helps.

 

[mom2many]

This is pretty common in my home, I am agnostic, I neither believe or don't believe, BUT I feel that religious introduction to kids is VERY important to children, and not just one religion but most if not all of them. I may not attend church with my kids but they attend with family and friends and all of different denominations, I have one athiest DD, one DD and son who lean my way, my oldest son although not religious, at least not to any one religion is very interested in all types and belives in god..heaven..hell (my teens). And my younger three are most likely going to be the religious ones, My 7 year old will go toe to toe with my athiest DD (17) he firmly belives..nothing she says or does shakes his belief, even when she makes a point...he believes.

It is not my job to push my beliefs on my children, it is my job to inform and support whatever choice they make, they all know where I stand, it's no great big secret and when they come to me with a religious question and I can't answer it I research it and answer it to the best of my ability. There comes a point in thier lives where they make the choice (usually as teens), by supporting his inqusitiveness about religion you are supporting him, not lying to him, lying would be the intention to stop him from making informed choices.

Example;
"daddy is there a heaven"
DAD-" well son there are plenty of people who believe thier is...what do you think?"
"well I think there is"
DAD-" well I don't happpen to believe thier is a heaven, but if believing in a heaven is what you want to do and it makes you happy, then keep believing"
"why don't you believe in a heaven?"
DAD- "insert your reasons" and leave it alone.

Hope that helped!

 

[fallon]

great advice Mom2many

 

[IADad]

well said M2m.

 

[zeitgeist]

An atheist took his son to visit a priest, a rabbi, an imam, and a Buddhist monk...

No joke here. When he starts asking about religion, in your position I'd explain my beliefs, then if he shows further interest I'd consider finding a practitioner (for lack of a better word) of each. Don't just take your son along and visit them cold, sit down with the person first. Tell him/her exactly your situation, and see if he/she wouldn't mind explaining how their faith works and why they believe what they believe. If you think you can trust them to explain what and why without the hard sell ("you'll go to hell and roast for eternity if you don't listen to the bible/koran/torah/whatever!"), make the next visit with the kid.

 

[Skyburning]

This is something I worry about as well. I'm a non-believer and it's not for lack of being brought up with religion in my life. Nolan's dad is on the fence I guess..he was brought up christian and has moved away from it since moving out years ago. Nolan will be brought up with religion in his life without a doubt, I live in the south, haha. I can count on one hand the number of people I know who don't believe, including myself. I won't allow anyone to make the "hard sell" (thanks zeit) to him though (including myself) and I plan to expose him to more than one belief so he can choose what's best for him.

 

[zeitgeist]

Wrong thread

 

[AmyBelle]

Im a Roman Catholic and my DH is Jewish. We havent 'chosen' a religion for our girls, if they want to make that move when they are older it will be their choice and we will support them 100%.

Ive always been interested in different religions, so when Bek (as Lily is way to young to start asking about it) asks questions I usually respond with "Some people believe ____, some others beleive ____ and there are others who beieve ____. What do you believe?" when shes older we will ge a little more complex about it.

Im with M2M, my role isnt to push my beliefs onto my kids, its to educate them about whats out there so they can make their own discisions.

 

[Jschneier]

I am an atheist and my ex husband is a Christian and we both have a Jewish background. I think it is important for my kids that I am honest about my beliefs but I also think knowledge of the Bible is not a negative. I handle this in a very similar way to what M2m.

My daughter is 11 and son is 8 and I would say that they are not confused at all but instead we have instilled in them the feeling that each person can make their own decisions about what they want to believe. I think that is a very valuable lesson. So far they both seem to be agnostics....

 

[Aunt]

I can relate to this a lot. My sister was practicing catholic & i had not stepped into a church in years. I tell my niece religion means different things to different people. I know she worries about my own lack of faith & this concerns me

 

[TabascoNatalie]

An atheist took his son to visit a priest, a rabbi, an imam, and a Buddhist monk...

sounds interesting, but how feasible is that in the real life? after all, there are so many sorts of Christians -- Catholic, Orthodox, Lutheran, Baptist, Methodist, etc. Is it possible to introduce a child to all of them?

My and my husband are Catholic. not very practicing, since we don't agree with many things that the Church says. some may say -- change the denomination. I don't believe in that, like "shopping" for faith.

But I find raisnig a child in religious way kind of easier. For example, when your child asks about death. It is a very SCARY subject, especially for a young child. Also the norms of morality. Religion gives a guidline, and some degree of responsibility.
things like making your own decisions -- comes anyway, to people of ANY religion.

 

[Rosa]

I think it is easily feasible, it is commonly done in the UK as it is compulsory that children are educated in denominations of the top five religions.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

but there are way more than five. what about Pagan religions?

 

[IADad]

good discussion here. A couple thoughts come to mind.

First, I wonder what you do with a young child. I think it's important to start osme faith orientation at a young age. I what my children to have a basis in faith that they can rely on when they are presented with challenges, So, for me it's relatively easy. I teach them my faith, as they grow I encourage them open their eyes and explore their world and learn about what other's believe. So, what you do when parents have different views is still a bit of a puzzle. I guess lots of communication and understanding. If nothing else it teaches respect.

TN - I don't think you have to be comprehensive in teaching kids comparative religion. I'd think if you hit Catholic, it's similar to Orthodox, hit one of the mainstream protestant, jewish and mulsem, then you've kind of covered that commond history group. Then you could meet up with some people who don't believe, and then you could move on to eastern religion, and them maybe those that don't fall into those categories.

I was raised Methodist and had a pastor who took our youth group toother churches. It was a great experience. It was far from comprehenisve, but it opened that door to "you can go out into the world and look for yourself."

So, even if you'd explore a few and give the information that there are hundreds of different viewpoints out there, and keep the door open for them to come discuss them with you as well, I think it would do a child a service.