Afraid he isn't getting enough attention?...

[randomperson]

So I recently received custody of my younger 6-year old brother. I've been trying my best to take care of him but I've been feeling as if he's getting neglected.

I'm 20 and I try to spend as much time with him as possible, but between college and work I barely get 5 hours of sleep. I just moved into a new apartment because I felt my old place didn't leave much space for him to play, but I seemed to forget that he needs someone to play with.

I just can't, I've been wracking my brain for the past couple months trying to think of someway to re-arrange my schedule to spend more time with him but I just can't. I'm already feeling overwhelmed enough as it is. I really REALLY hate asking him to be patient a bit more, I think he suffered enough by being with my family.

So since I moved him here, I can't simply find anyone for him to play with. The neighbourhood is pretty kid-friendly and I know a lot of the people near us, but unfortunately, none of them have kids his age to play with. Plus I don't trust just anyone to take care of him.

The rest of my family don't want anything to do with me and won't even pick up when I *tried* calling them, since I'm apparently the illegitimate son. Either way, I don't want them around him. They're a negative influence and are verbally abusive. I got yelled at enough as a kid, I don't want him to have to deal with their radical methodes of socialising.

What should I do? I need to find some playmates for him and fast, I don't want him to start feeling as if he's lonely. But at the same time I don't want to be out of his life, I don't want to be the type of person to dump him on another couple and leave for the rest of the day. I really do enjoy spending time with him.

Work is too important and I can't lower my hours, college is getting more and more difficult, especially with the subject I'm taking. If I fall behind I could end up flunking completely. The only other option I could think of is finding a hobby, but I keep thinking he maybe too young for one, and I don't want him to become an internet addict, so that's out of the question.

So what do you suggest? I would appreciate any help whatsoever. This would really help me sleep at night if I could solve this once and for all.

Thanks for reading.

-randomperson

 

[cybele]

What does he do when you are at work/school? Surely he would be making friends at daycare/school?

 

[randomperson]

What does he do when you are at work/school? Surely he would be making friends at daycare/school?

I usually put him in daycare or at friend's house. However, I put him at the daycare only recently, so he hasn't exactly made as many friends as he could. Plus, he's a bit shy according to the school-teachers. Some of his friends live a bit far away, but when my schedule's a bit loose I can drive him there. From what I've noticed he's usually hyper around me and them, but that's basically it.

Most of the time when I'm home I have to study, I can't spend as much time with him as possible, and I've been feeling pretty guilty about it.

I've been thinking about this for a while, should I dump my summer-classes? It's the only thing I could think of. The boy needs a father figure to spend a little more time with him. I've been feeling that this is a priority, but should I do it? I mean, it would work out perfectly, I can spend quite bit of time with him during summer, make him feel more at home, then when school starts he can start making more friends and we'd be equally busy. Plus since he's adjusting to the situation this would definitely be helpful. Though I don't know if it'll be as easy. Things have a way of never working out like they do on paper.

Thank you for the reply!

 

[adoptive dad]

Well let me first say that I take my hat off to you, taking on as much as you have. Our six year old has a couple of hobbies. She goes to dance (we got it cheap with a colleauge) and swimming each week. She also goes to St John Ambulance Badgers on a Monday. I'm sure your kid could get a few hobbies. Our four year old has one or two as well he loves art expecially. You should only drop summer school if its not going to effect your future and is the best thing for BOTH of you.

 

[akmom]

How would dropping the summer classes affect your graduation plan? I know that some classes are only offered once a year, or even once every other year for some upper-division courses. And if they are a pre-requisite to another course you planned to take, it could throw off your whole schedule. Definitely go over the decision with your academic advisor, who will be more familiar with what courses are going to be offered and when, and how you might be able to combine credits for certain elective or core requirements. I've known people who have dropped courses for various reasons and added years to their schooling. It's expensive to be a student. There are overhead costs involved in just being a student, regardless of credit load. And there's the lost wages from not being able to work (or having to work less) because you had to go to class. So I wouldn't take the decision to drop courses lightly. Especially if they are courses that you have already started. Then you lose your investment of time and money that you've already put into them. Not to mention, all those extra years you might add to your schooling are going to impact time with your brother too.

On the other hand, your brother is in his formative years, so time spent with him could really make a difference in his life. I don't know what your work schedule looks like, but I once heard a study strategy that made a lot of sense. (I never used it because I'm a procrastinator/night owl.) You study for 8 hours/day during the week. For the average student taking 15 credits, that is about 15 hours a week in class (maybe more for labs), leaving about 25 hours between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. for studying, finishing assignments, going to the library, utilizing the computer lab, etc. Drag everything with you and do your homework when you have gaps between classes. Apparently, people who do this rarely have homework after 5 p.m. I don't know what your work schedule is, but this could possibly leave evenings open. Or week-ends.

Another thing to consider is the quality of time you spend with him (versus quantity). Even as a stay-at-home mom, sometimes I feel like my kids aren't getting enough attention. Life happens. Sometimes I get too busy with projects, or unexpected things happen and require a lot of running around. Then when I finally get a minute, it's nap time (and I've learned that's typically not a good place to "steal time" from). But at some point, I just set aside some time to play with the kids, and it does wonders. If you can even set aside four hours on a week-end to go out and do something fun with your brother, I think he will relish it and you will be able to build memories with him. Maybe you don't need to drop courses at all.

Best of luck.

 

[pwsowner]

If dropping your summer classes won't be a big problem for you, it would be good to spend the next couple months being the father figure. If it's not really a good idea for you to do that, then look for some group he can join, or if it's not too late, sign him up for a summer camp program.

 

[soccermomma]

You're a brave soul, but since it's summer time right now and the school year is approaching, you may find that your 6 year old will find friends at school. There's only one month left and given your situation, there's not much you can do about it. Good luck.

 

[Andrew W.]

I am going to guess that you are incredibly financially strapped, since you probably aren't getting any assistance from the family you are trying to rescue your brother from.

If dropping a summer class is just going to be only a minor inconvenience for your plans, do it. Don't sacrifice your education, though, which is also his ticket to freedom. Delaying your graduation will just mean coping longer with very little time and very little money.

Quality of time together and making sure he feels loved are much more important than quantity of time together. Make your time together matter. Work on projects together. Teach him to plan menus, and to cook however much he can. Six is not necessarily too young for using knives or the stove if supervised, which could mean you are at the kitchen table doing homework. If he is the kind of kid who can sit quietly in the back of a classroom and read or color or draw, talk to your professors about occasionally bringing him to classes. Then you can have the time going places together to talk. Have him quiz you on your course material, to help you study. You can make flash cards or something, depending on the nature of your classes. He doesn't need to really know what is going on. He will be thrilled to help you out, and it won't cut into your free time.

Ask him if he thinks you spend enough time together. Ask him what some important things for you to do together during the rest of the summer are. Go to a park and roast marshmallows over a fire and cook hamburgers or sweet corn in foil or hot dogs on sticks. It won't take that much longer than a regular meal, but will be memorable. Listen to him. Read to him.

If he is interested in trying out some sports or other summer activities, there are probably some he can still get involved with. Otherwise, school is just around the corner and he will meet plenty of kids his own age then.

You need to develop a network of supportive friends yourself. See if your school has a single parent organization, or any parent organization. Ask your professors if any graduate students in their departments have young kids, and see if you can meet any of them. They will mostly be married, but they are your peers in the child-raising department--young, financially strapped, busy, and in college. Don't be shy about talking to his friends' parents about picking him up or doing more than half the driving required to get the kids together. A twenty-year-old taking on raising his brother will get lots of support. Accept people's offers. Don't feel you are taking advantage of them. Letting people help you when you truly need it is a great way to establish friendships.

 

[babysitter]

Have a talk with someone in your school's Registrar's Office or equivalent (e.g., Academic Advisory Office) as soon as possible and inform him or her of your situation; he or she may be able to help you reconfigure your work load so that you have more time to spend with your brother. The schedule he or she works out with you may entail your switching to part-time student status; if doing so would be financially viable for you and you wouldn't mind spending an extra year or two in school, it is definitely worth your consideration.

 

[MarkLakewood336]

I guess that I am a little confused. You stated at the beginning of your question that you just got custody of your six year old brother. Please do not take this the wrong way because I mean no disrespect - When you were awarded legal custody, was the court aware of this situation and did the judge make any suggestions as to how to resolve this situation? It sounds as if you have a full plate and deserve to live your own life. And now, you were awarded custody of your six year old brother. I commend you for that. I apologize that this reply does not answer your question but under the circumstances, it seems like a rather difficult question to answer.