Age-Inappropriate Topics...

[akmom]

I don't know if this is really the right forum for this, but it is "parenting," so I'll give it a shot. I debated putting it in the general category and might move it there, I haven't decided.

Earlier this summer I learned about a mountain pass trail that I was interested in hiking, and I mentioned it to my husband. He said it sounded cool, and let's do it. He picked a timeframe and scheduled vacation for those days, and insisted that I do too. I didn't think we'd actually end up doing it, but he was insisted, so I scheduled my work around those days - which was pretty easy, since I can pretty much cram a whole month of work into five days. I don't have many hours.

Anyway, about two weeks ago we were coming up on those days-off - and not having made any plans for this excursion, I figured it wasn't happening. It was a bit unrealistic for our young kids anyway. One day he told me he wanted to catch a movie, so we dropped our children off at my parents' house. Then he drove straight to the airport and he said he needed to drop off a bag for a friend who was flying in (which is not uncommon), and asked me come in and wait with him. So I did. Then eventually he told me it was time to board, and surprise! We were going to Hawaii for a week for my 30th. Which was totally awesome, by the way, and I am back from it now. (He apparently arranged this with my parents a long, long time ago and everyone managed not to tell me.)

Not to spoil a great story, but apparently my parents took the opportunity to indoctrinate my children in ways that are starting to bother me. When I came back, one of the first things my daughter (6) asked me was if [someone] was going to hell. I asked her how she even knew about that, and of course it came from my parents. Then my barely-4-year-old son randomly said, "I don't think God will destroy the world. Because he loves us, right?" What?? He is not very verbal, so for him to articulate a question like that means it's really heavy on his mind. Then my daughter explained that the world is going to be destroyed by fire, and various other apocalyptic details that she had apparently memorized. I knew my parents read them Bible stories, but why in the world did they explore this topic in such detail to young kids? What could they possibly gain from it?

Well, what's done is done, and I'm not really interested in stewing about it. My parents are kind of "Revelations" fanatics and always have been. (That is the end-times themed book of the Bible.) But my kids are stressed out and confused, worrying about topics that I did not plan to approach at all until they were much, much older. And even then, we had planned to attack it as a study of multiple perspectives. So I'm kind of stuck, because they have questions now, but they don't have the maturity to understand a topic like that. And they're not going to just forget about it. I really wish they would have just shared the love-themed portions of their faith, but no, one week alone with the grandparents and it's all about hell. Why?? And mostly, what now?

 

[cybele]

My parents did the same kind of thing to my kids, the way we approached it was with discussion of what the bible is, where these stories came from and the context they were told in. Also that this is not actual fact, rather and opinions and beliefs of some, and the difference between fact and faith.

I know that approach isn't suitable for everyone, and I have to admit, as we are not Christian we were more than happy to pretty much just go "Yeah it's kind of like a fairytale" but regardless of your stance I would assume that some discussion about literal vs theological would be beneficial.

 

[akmom]

But they're 4 and 6.

 

[cybele]

You can still discuss the concept, you just have to use quite basic wording.

 

[mom2many]

Their ages are plenty old enough to grasp the difference between a story, and a fact. They are young so it is a fine line to walk, but not one that is impossible.

I know I have mentioned this before, but my community is almost all Mormon. My MIL has recently converted (for what the church has to offer more then anything), she's also fairly religious. This of course always leads to questions.
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When they ask about things I approach it from the angle of the bible being a book of stories, but not necessarily a fictional book, but a book of time and place long ago, like a history book.

Things that happened a long time ago, what the people in that era believed would happen, and what has really happened. I also tell them that I like to see the good in the bible. I have a childrens book of bible stories and we will read some of the nicer stories in the books. I explain that the God I know and understand was a God of love and understanding, but that doesn't mean he always agree's with what we do. Kinda like us parents, we always love our kids, but we don't always like what they do.

Now with the 4 year old I would start with bible stories, and discuss what he liked about the stories and then follow his lead.

The 6 year old should be able to understand most of what you say.

 

[Xero]

Ack, that really bothers me to read. :l I would be livid with my parents/in laws if they did that. Can't say I'd be very nice about it. Ugh.

All I can think is that it is going to take a lot of explanations and reassurances. I don't think that they will 100% understand to the proper extent that this is just a story/opinion and not a fact that applies directly to them, unfortunately, but you can try your best and they will process it to the best of their ability and probably be fine. I can't stand the hell-threatening/death of Christ focused/wrath of god/end of the world aspects of Christianity (well I don't care for religion in general, but that's my least favorite part), and I personally think that young children do not need to know about it. That can be very stressful and scary to them, especially when someone trusted by them and near to them makes it out to be a fact, and something that is supposedly very true and serious for them to contemplate and worry about. DH and I feel that children are born perfect, without the burden of "sin" and the very frightening threat of eternal torment.

Anyway, sorry you have to deal with this, and that husband's a keeper lol.

 

[akmom]

I don't want to invalidate what my parents told them. Who am I to say it's untrue? I don't know everything either. I just want my children's beliefs to be genuine, not dictated by someone else.

And I don't want to give the appearance of opposition. They respect their grandparents, and I don't want to villify them. I don't want to villify anyone, actually, and that's another thing my parents did. They "warned" them that schools would try to teach them lies. I despise that attitude. I would have preferred they mention their objections and concerns as they arose, not villify a whole educational system as evil, or mischaracterize what they teach, or make the child feel like it is their moral obligation to tune out certain information. My husband and I try very hard to explain "the other side" on so many topics, rather than declare the opposite wrong. We aren't neutral, but we try to be fair, so our kids get real answers.

I don't want them to feel like the world is against them. That is a huge amount of stress. I remember my parents basically saying that many of my friends and others dear to me would go to hell if they didn't believe some specific doctrine, and even variations of those beliefs were not close enough. And the only way they would escape this fate is if they converted, so it was our duty to share our beliefs. But no pressure! :S That was a huge source of stress for me as a kid. What is the point? Are they hoping to scare or shame them into little evangelists? I don't want my kids to have that burden. If/when they share their faith, it should be driven by their own convictions. We are raising them in a Christian household, because you have to start somewhere, and for the most part those are my beliefs.

But we are really trying to present it with open, thoughtful dialogue, and I'm not sure how to get back to that now.

 

[IADad]

First, I totally understand your struggles, you've read about my MIL, I can empathize.

It aboslutely stymies me why some people focus so much on the end of the world part of Christianity and much less on they "love thy neighbor part. Seems to me, if you do enough of the latter you don't really need to worry so much about the former.

Some people are just freaks about doom. They dwell on illness, crime and apocalyptic themes and I think it's absolutely wrong to dwell on these things with young kids. But as you say, "what's done is done."

It seems to me the thing to do right now is to work on their views of their safety in the present. Kids tend to have a pretty short time frame, so maybe you can help reinforce their feelings of safety. Second, you don't really have to refute "fact" with them. It's not so much that your parents were "wrong" it's more that it was inappropriate subject matter to fill young kids' minds with. So, I agree that it's good to talk about what they learned in the context of a story about people who do wrong and fail to want to do right. Go ahead and re-enforce the notion that "God loves us" as your 4 year old asked, and as long as we do everything we can to be good to one another we should have nothing to fear.

If I were you, I'd be absolutely livid with my parents - they've essentially stolen some of your children's innocence. But, it's probably not going to do much good to lash out at them. They obviously don't understand the role of nurturing young minds (perhaps they did and they've forgotten) so it becomes a caitionary lesson to you about limiting the time the spend capable of imparting such influence.

 

[akmom]

Yes, I agree that the focus on love and security is key, and I think my son was recalling those lessons when he made his comment. But I don't know if I should continue reinforcing those lessons or wait, because I'm afraid that any mention of God will remind them of the stressful things my parents taught. I do want to avoid the "do your best to be good and you don't have to worry about hell" route, because it's basically the same message, just emphasizing the more favorable possibility. Right? Is that not how children would view it? I don't actually believe that way either. I think our destiny is determined by God's forgiveness, not our actions. I mean, we are trying to develop our children's empathy and compassion as a motive for how they treat others, rather than a fear of hell.

I'm upset at what happened, but I'm not really livid because I know how my parents think and they feel obligated to teach these things. Why they would attempt it with such young children I have no idea. But if I brought it up with them, it would only cause them a lot of stress. They would feel like they needed to get us on the same page, and why give them that assignment?

I guess it just really comes at a bad time. Our children have already had to come to terms with the concept of death (of pets) and we have shared our belief in heaven as a coping mechanism. Then my parents go and throw out the proposition of another outcome...

 

[IADad]

I don't see a point in avoiding talk of God, don't you want to supplant all the negative thoughts with good ones, about the loving God rather than the vengeful God?

Sure destiny is determined by God's forgiveness, but forgiveness is reliant on being repentant and you can't be truly repentant if you confess only to cognitively continue to sin. So, our actions do matter. None of us is free from sin, that's why we need forgiveness, but we have to seek forgiveness with a contrite heart, right?