Aimee conflict...

[Jordy]

so Aimee goes home on Friday but she was crying today and moping around the house and i asked her what was wrong and she broke down and said she refused to go home and she wouldn't go and if i drove her back she would get straight back on a bus to come here and this is her home and there is too much at her other town that she can't face (the boys, the memory of pregnancy) and she can't put herself through that and she thinks her mother is sick of her and everything she has done lately...

i don't know what to do.. i can't keep her, her mother has full custody i don't even have to have visitation rights if she doesn't want me to. i called her mobile but she isn't back in the country yet and she isn't answering and i am supposed to me driving her home on Friday/Saturday/Sunday etc. it's a long drive so her mother can meet my girls and catch up with Andrew and we are staying there for a week and then coming home but Aimee is refusing to pack her clothes saying she isn't going and every time i pack them i find them neatly unpacked and put away the next morning. she is cleaning and helping with Caidy and Cammy saying she is proving to me she will be helpful around here... i have no idea what to do.. and i can't get hold of Michelle

 

[Jeremy+3]

I don't think you should handle her too harshly, but you should view this quite harshly, which I know does sound heartless. Aimee has placed herself in this situation, and the behaviour is clearly her own realisation of this, no one wants to face the music, but in the end we don't have a choice. Doing things you regret is part of growing up, you can't bury things for ever I'm afraid.

Say she were to get a bus all the way back to our house what is she going to do, you'll be at her parents, is she going to live in the garden for a week?

Yeah, her mother is probably sick about what has happened of recently, but we only become sick of things when we want them to improve, by Aimee refusing to go home not only will she be putting more stress on everyone as they are worried about her, but it will also be very upsetting for her mum.
Now, we all know that teenagers are never perfect and don't mean to be so hurtful, but no matter how much you know it, when they do things like this it does hurt.

Ultimately you need to make Aimee realise that she needs to go home fairly calmly, she needs to know the likely consequences if she chooses not to.

Pack her bags again, whether that be today or the night before you leave, then put the suitcase in the back of your car. I she freaks out, maybe you should remind her that if she was capable of helping with the girls she wouldn't be expressing such behaviour around them.

 

[Hartz75]

I am not 100% sure of the situation, but when you take her home is her mother going to be there? Who will be there when she gets home?

I assume she in not of the age to make her own decision if there is custody arrangements.

I think you will have to pack her bags gently and take her home. Tell her that you understand but you and her cannot make that decision and that you both need to speak to her mother in person to hash all this out. Talk to her mother not on the phone I think this will be better in person.

Good luck, this is a hard one.

 

[Jordy]

a basic rundown for you Hartz is she is 14. she lives with her mother in another state across the country. she fell pregnant with a baby to a boy who she would not tell us the identity of but i have recently found out he is 19. she wont say who he is because she is protecting him (not that we would have pressed charges anyway) she recently lost the baby.. while all this was going on another boy was blackmailing her with nude pictures she sent him. this was all happening in the town she lives in with her mother and her mother;s husband.

i live in Western Australia with my husband and out two daughters. Aimee is my biological daughter and is staying with me while her mother is in Bali for a wedding because she refuses to get on a plane.. her mother gets back on thursday and Aimee goes home on Friday... if i can get her into the car that is...

as much as i truly love her and love having her around it simply isn't an option for her to stay.. there is just too much happening and even if it were an option for me her mother would never allow it.. she is just being a stubborn teenager because in her heart she must know that there just isn't a way she can stay here... she can visit on the school holidays but until she is 18 her mother has custody and i am not about to fight her for it.. Aimee is a 14 year old girl and her mother is so much more used to her right now than her father and her father's boyfriend... her mother raised her from birth i now nothing about teenage girls nor do i have any right to step in 14 years later and assume i can do a better job than her own mother.

 

[IADad]

just a couple of thoughts...When you say, "it simpy isn't an option for her to stay." Can we put that in context? I mean if, god forbid, her mother died, could she come stay? What if rather than live at home, she ran away and lived on the streets, would you be able to accomodate her under those circumstances? And, I'm not trying to be leading or pointed about this, just wondering id practicality, convenience and habit are superceding need. So, whether she could possibly stay or not is something you'll have to finally decide.

As for the drive, I guess I'd make the trip, talk to Aimee, about how either way you are making the trip as you want introduce the girls etc. and that you clearly need to talk with mom about her situation. I think it's time for some frank talk about "laying in the bed she made" perhaps, and about her making decisions to live her life rather than just live in it. I see not wanting to cave to her teenage whims, and I can also see her fears may be very real and you, both of you, need to help her face them, cope and move forward. This is an opportunity to help her grow, and just laying done the law, probably isn't going to do that.

 

[mom2many]

This is a hard situation, and a very fine line that needs to be walked.

She needs to feel that her dad is always there for her and that she will always have a home with you.

And by the same token I can see how mom would not like the idea of her lving with you, can we not just extend her vacation with you for a little longer?

I know it is complicated by the fact mom won't return your phone calls but there has to be some middle ground here. She is 14 she should be able to have a little say in her living arraingments.

 

[www777]

I feel sorry for her that her mom is not there to help her through a very traumatic experience. She clearly needs a bit of stability but the fact is that if she was almost a mom herself and she has to realise that the world is tough and that she has to face the music.

You are her dad and you have to take charge and make the decisions. Speak to her as an adult and just be frank and honest that legally she cannot stay with you but that you are there for guidance and love.

Maybe you should also raise the question to her mom as to how such a young girl can be in such a predicament and why she is not protecting her or teaching her better judgement?

 

[IADad]

Maybe you should also raise the question to her mom as to how such a young girl can be in such a predicament and why she is not protecting her or teaching her better judgement?

wow, spoken like someone who's never been married to woman...;-)

Sorry, I'm kinda just kidding, but kinda sincere as well...just how is that conversation supposed to happen without being view accusatorily? non-custodial parent asks how custodial parent can possibly be so reckless and irresponsible as to allow daughte to become pregnant? I'm guessing if Jordy had an real concerns about mom's capacity to mother, he'd be raising those issues. From the posts so far is seems that Aimee is a very smart girl, who's probably been able to deceive a lot of people (and that's no doubt in part why she doesn't want to go back eh?) Mom, probably already feels horribly responsible and negligent, I doubt putting her on the spot is going to yeild anything constructive.....JMHO

 

[Hartz75]

thanks for the run down. I understand you not wanting to step in, and I am sure that if you all of a sudden did the mother would be very upset, I know I would. So talking to them both together IMO is what I would do. The mother needs to know where she is coming from. Also extending the visit might be good for her for a bit but with the mothers consent.

I so hope it all works out for her. She will get over it in time, not the loss of her child, I don't think you can "get over that?" but all the other stuff. AH wait better words in time she will get past it.

 

[Xero]

I know this might sound crazy, but if it were me I would let her stay. I'm not trying to sound mean, but you are her dad and if she wants to stay with you, it should be an option for her. She is your child! If it were me, I would rearrange my life slightly to fit my first child into it. ONLY of course, if I talked to her mother and that's the way she wanted things to go as well. I would not force it, I would only accept it if it was what everyone wanted. I also would worry that maybe Aimee might get the idea that now you have new kids, that you don't have room for her in your life anymore, and that would probably hurt a lot if she felt like that. Like they are more important than she is.

There has been several years that you haven't had to parent her. Don't you think its only fair that when she personally asks you to step up to the plate and be her dad that you at least give it a chance? I realize her mom has raised her thusfar, but you did help to create her and maybe its your turn to contribute to her life. She has been through a LOT and I could see how going back to all that would be hard on her. Maybe it would be a huge thing for you to do for her, to let her have a chance at a fresh start?? Its not easy growing up without your dad, but now she has a chance to have him, don't you want to be there for her in her darkest hour? Her greatest time of need so far?

I'm not trying to be mean or judgemental at ALL!!! I know for sure that you're a great dad and you love your kids like crazy and you do your best. This is just my first reaction, this is just what I would do if it were me. Maybe its unrealistic or not the optimal choice, but its what my heart would tell me to do. And I think that if (and only if) her mother can accept Aimee's choice to stay there, that maybe it would be a really important thing that you can do for her at this point in her life.

 

[Jordy]

the thing isn't that i don't want to step up and let her stay. if her mother consented i would move her in tomorrow but it isn't possible <U>because</U> her mother made it clear before she came that this was to be a short term arrangement and if it went well she would <U>think</U> about letting Aimee come down on school holidays..

i thought about simply extending the stay but Aimee has already missed so much school (although school holidays do start next week so i could possibly get another two weeks out of her mother) but her mother is not the most easy going person you have ever met.. especially when it comes to aimee.. and our parenting styles are different.. when Aimee lost the baby her mother told her its for the best and it's gods way of saying she is too young to be a mother. thank god that the lord intervened... i just told her that it wasn't her time and in 7 years or so it will be her turn and she will get to be a mummy and she will be able to be a better mummy because she will be older and wiser

 

[mom2many]

If Aimee is really serious about this then she needs to go home and have a serious talk with her mom.

As a mom I know that is what I would want.

 

[Xero]

Yeah I mean, I guess really the whole thing depends on her mom. She ultimately should probably make the end decision. M2M is right, a long talk should probably be had for sure. Everyone should definitely be in agreement in order for it to happen. I was just saying, if everyone was in agreement.

 

[Jordy]

i agree with that.. there is nothing we can do about it without seeing her mum anyway so her refusing to pack her clothes is pointless because we are going there either way.. we would still need to go home so we could get her belongings and it would involve a LONG LONG conversation with her mother and step father before any decisions were made

 

[pi20166]

 

[Hartz75]

maybe the three of you can sit and talk. That way Amiee and her mother can hash it out but you are there to listen and to hear the actual facts.

I think you said it was this weekend. How did it go?

 

[Jordy]

sorry i just got back to perth today.. it went well when we were there, we all talked about it and decided Aimee would finish the school year with her mother and then if she still wanted to come to live with me then that would be arranged. BUT about half an hour after we got home i got a call from Aimee's mother. and apparently she had gone missing.. that was about 10 hours ago. and i just got a call from Aimee 3 hours ago telling me she was on a bus coming "home" to me.. i called her mother who said we are simply to put her on another bus straight back but i don't know if that is exactly the right thing to do either... I'm confused right now.

 

[Hartz75]

Oh no, that is not a good situation. Was Amiee part of the conversation when you all talked? IF so you need to remind her that she should have talked, running is not going to solve it, it will only make it worse.

Poor girl, she is so confused I bet.

 

[Jordy]

yeah it was Me, Andrew, Aimee, Michelle and Shaun (Aimee's step dad) and we all agreed that she would come down on holidays and then she could come live with me at the end of the school year if she is still interested. her mother is apparently pregnant anyway due in December, i didn't know about this but when she told me she said "so it would be easier anyway" which was rather offensive as children aren't supposed to be easy and no one has ever alleged that they are.

well when she gets here i will just take her back as i have been instructed to do i suppose

 

[mom2many]

I sorry Jordy, you are in such a difficult situation. One that really doesn't have a "right" answer.

Somehow (I know, easier said the done) you are going to have to reason with Aimee. If mom has all legal rights she could be putting you in jeopardy.

Good Luck!