Am I being too strict?...

[unreasonabledad]

My daughter has a friend that is a fairly respectful young lady. They are both 12 years old and have been best friends for about a year (after a rocky start) My issue is not with the friend but with her parents. They have done several things that have irritated me in the last few months but last night after my daughter was allowed to go over to her house we got a voicemail that they were going out and she would be back later that night.

She got home at 8:30 and I found out they had gone down to the waterfront for a few hours. Seems pretty harmless (and it is) but in my opinion the parents should have made sure that they had permission before taking my daughter anywhere I would never have taken someone's kid with me for 2 hours without making sure that the parents knew where we were going and that they were ok with it.

They also smoked in the car the entire way (half an hour)

Based on the fact that they don't seem too concerned about letting me knwo what they're doing, the smoking and some other unrelated issues (letting the girls walk to my house at 10pm in the dark alone) I decided that my daughter would not be able to go over to this girls house.

She can still see her friend outdoors and at our place jsut not at the girls house.

My feeling is that if the parents are being irresponsible about these things then they are being irresponsible about others I don't know as well. My daughter of course lost her mind and my wife thinks I'm being too strict.

I think I don't trust her friend's parents and that I'm just looking out for my daughter.

THoughts?

 

[ElliottCarasDad]

I think the first thing to do is talk to them and see whats up. They might be totally understanding of your concerns.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Well they did try to tell you and left a voicemail, if someone isn't answering the phone there isn't much more they can do apart from cancel plans. If I thought a friends parent was going to take one of my children somewhere that wasn't suitable my child wouldn't be going round their house in the first place, so we don't send them anywhere we aren't confident about.

 

[unreasonabledad]

Jeremy: They didn't leave a voice mail my daughter did, informing me they were taking her with them. They live less than 2 minutes away, I would not expect them to cancel their plans they could have simply dropped her off or stopped by the house to ask me if it was ok. I was home but with a 4 year old/dinner etc etc I don't always hear the phone.

My point is, I don't think it's appropriate to ever take someone elses kid somewhere without clearing it with the parents first. Appropriate location or not. This is the straw that broke the camel's back essentially as this is not the first time they have done something that has irritated me (sent both girls walking to our home alone at 10pm because my daughter forgot some piece of clothing she wanted for a sleepover)

ElliottCarasDad: I have a feeling that any conversation with these people is going to go south pretty fast. My attempts at small talk in the past have always been met with blank stares and silence. They're moving in 1 month anyways so I thought it would be less drama for everyone to just limit my daughter's visits to their home til they left. Guess not.

 

[Hartz75]

if they are moving then just limits the visits why create an issue. IF they were staying I would be suggesting differntly. I could not send my daughter where I did not feel comfortable, you sound uncomfortable so don't let her go. She may be mad but you need to feel comfortable for your child's safety.

 

[Jordy]

i agree if they are moving it is less of an issue. but as a father myself i would not let any of my daughters go ANYWHERE i wasn't 100% comfortable with them being. and i would need to meet and like the parents before letting my daughters stay there.. your daughters safety comes before her wants

 

[unreasonabledad]

Thanks everyone. I was being ganged up on a bit and I was wondering if I was completely out to lunch on this one. I spoke with my wife this morning and we're on the same page again so I'm happy about that. I hate feeling like I'm always the bad guy but I'm willing to be hated if it means my kids are safe.

 

[sbattisti]

Yeah, I think ultimately you have to do what you think is right for the safety of your child. Of course, it's best if you're on the same page with the wife.

You also haven't cut off your daughter from her friend, she just can't go to her house.

I can see why she's upset - ANY kid is going to react that way to restrictions. Just try to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and explain that you're not punishing HER, you're just trying to be the best dad possible.

Good luck!

 

[JessicaMadison]

I definitely don't think you're being too strict. I would be also be cheesed off if I were you. Just because the parents don't care about where there child is doesn't mean you do. Too be honest, it sounds like these parents are a little dull. If they would have just called you I'm sure it would have been fine. Honesty is the best policy always. They were smoking half the way? Urgh, that would drive me insane. That's so disrespectful, not only to you and your child but that shows how much they care about their little girl. Don't worry too much, your daughter will get over it. She'll realize you were just trying to protect her eventually. That's good that they are moving soon, you won't have to deal with these problems anymore. Good luck!

 

[NancyM]

No. I'm in agreement with you on this one. Listen, I left my 9 yr old at a boys house and when we pulled up, the mom and her friend were on their way to the MALL. (leaving the kids with her other child,with out my knowledge)

NOT! I very politely said" No, problem I'll take them to my house." she explained that her 13 yr old daughter--who was SLEEPING, was going to to be with them.

Sorry. Not my child. She felt like an A$$ and decided to stay home after all. I let him stay for an hour, because almost begged me. After that her son came to my house.

No. Your child is your first concern, and it's your job to make sure she is in a safe and responsible place.

 

[Xero]

I agree that it was incredibly inconsiderate of them, and I would be mad too!! They don't sound like the greatest of people anyway, she's probably better off not going over there. I mean, if the girl is still allowed to your house and she's moving away anyway, then I don't think you're that bad. Like the others said, your child's safety is first priority. I don't understand why people think they can say "I would never send my child ANYWHERE that I didn't know for SURE was safe" because its not like its possible to be best friends with the parents of every single friend your kids ever make. Meeting them makes sense to me, possibly calling to catch up with them once in a while. And even then you can never know for SURE that they are safe or trustworthy people. You find that out in instances like this, and you go from there. You can only do your best to insure that its safe at the friend's house your child is going to, but there is no way to be absolutely certain unless they are your family or good friends, or you install cameras in their houses. I would have done the same thing in your shoes.

 

[Choppy]

1. As a parent you have to go with your gut about things like this sometimes. If you're not comfortable with these people supervising your daughter, it's reasonable to restrict her from seeing them.

However, as you've experienced, this will not come without consequences. At 12, your daughter will obviously not be happy with such a decision.

2. How do you know that the situation didn't go something like this:

Other Parent: "We'd like to go down to the waterfront and you're welcome to come, but we'd like you to make sure it's okay with your parents."

Daughter: "Sure." (calls - no answer - really wants to go - leaves a message) "Uh - yeah, it's okay with them."

 

[Xero]

Yeah honestly I somehow didn't think about that. She's just as at fault as they are. She should have known that she would need permission to go somewhere a lot better than the other girl's parents. When I was a kid, if I went somewhere without being SURE I had permission, I was the one to get in trouble, not the people that took me. I mean, she obviously must have let them believe that it was okay because I'm sure they didn't force her to go even if she told them she wasn't allowed without permission.... know what I mean? And if she didn't KNOW that she needed permission for sure, then maybe it should have been made more clear to her before hand?

Now, I do still think that they should have been more considerate and that they should have made sure that she had your permission. However, you said yourself that it would have been easy for them to drop her off home (2 minutes away) and I can't see why they wouldn't have if she hadn't had them thinking it was pretty much okay. I imagine she really wanted to go, and she probably told them either something like choppy said, or maybe even just "I left a voicemail, so he knows where we will be, so its okay!" (some parents are okay with that). Other parents don't know exactly what you might be expecting, and if your own daughter tells them its okay if she only leaves a voicemail, I could see how maybe they might believe that and go along with it?? Not saying its okay, I still think they could have made sure, but I think I see why this happened that's all.

So I think really that both parties (those parents, and your daughter) are at fault here. If it were me, I would probably make sure that she knew that she made a bad decision here by going with them rather than coming home (I'm sure she knows she had options, she wasn't kidnapped) since she couldn't get ahold of you. Really this situation probably made those parents look a little worse than they actually are. And I wouldn't call smoking in the car anything that terrible. (Unfortunately) most of DH's family smokes and I can't force them not to do it EVER around my kid (as much as I would appreciate that) and that doesn't mean I don't trust them or I think being around them is unsafe for my child. They are great people and they love him to death and they just happen to have a bad habbit. I don't control the world just because I have a kid. But anyway, I think I would just try to remember also that these people were really just trying to be nice. They took her on a nice little trip that she probably almost definitely enjoyed (aside from the car smoking, which hopefully was done with the windows open) most likely with the best of intentions. I think needing permission to do everything should be assumed, but otherwise really its your daughter's responsibility to uphold your expectations when she is at someone else's house. She's old enough to know better, IMHO.

 

[mumsafari]

I do not think you are being too strict nor protective. You are simply being responsible parent. Bringing your child to another location without your permission is a no-no. What's more, they made them inhale second hand smoke for half and hour. It's really unthoughtful.

 

[mom2many]

I agree with Choppy on this, but I must be odd cause I don't find it to be that big of a deal.

Had there been no phone call letting me know what was going on that would be different. But they did let you know, they had her home at a reasonable hour for a 12 year old. I really must be the odd one, all that I ask is my kids let me know if they aren't going to be at the place I thought they were at.

As to the smoking..inconsiderate...yeah. I smoke, but i never smoke around someone else's kids without asking if that is a problem, and if the kids are teens I ask them if it is a problem, most say no but some have said yes and I respect that. But still at the end of the day....not a huge deal, at least not a deal breaker on a friendship.

The good thing is that there is only a month left, so most drama will likely be a non-issue.

 

[Xero]

Yeah I mean that's why I was saying that those parents are not so much at fault as his daughter. Because some parents (like you M2M) would only need a voicemail letting them know where their kids are at. Some parents would rather their kids get permission for sure before going anywhere. I don't see anything wrong with either way. So I just think that his daughter should have known what he expected out of her (getting permission) but the other parents might not really know that. Especially if she was telling them it was okay, then they probably thought he was the type of parent that you are. It is her responsibility to know what her parents expect, and her responsibility to tell them that.

 

[Jessica2925]

I would not feel comfortable with this. My kids do hang out at a friend's house every now and then, but its always people we know really well. I don't want to offend anyone here who smokes, but the idea of my child breathing in second hand cigarette smoke would be enough for me.

 

[marjan]

I really hate when ppl smoke around my kid. As you know 2nd hand smoke is dangerous and much more dangerous to kid. Do I want to put my kid at dangerous places? HELL NO!

 

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[scrotty]

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