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Am I being too strict?...
- Thread starter unreasonabledad
- Start date
One thing you can try if your teen is acting up is send them to a special military school. We know people who have had wonderful results with such programs.
Try <URL removed>
Try <URL removed>
Uh I don't think his daughter needs a Boot Camp.
I don't think you're being to strict, I would have done the same thing ... although the smoking in the same vehicle and sending the girls to walk alone in the dark at 10pm, alone would have been enough for me to march back over there with the girls and ask the parents why they didn't just call and ask you or your wife to bring whatever your daughter forgot or why they didn't drive them over so she could grab it. How would they have felt if something had happened to the girls on their way to your place or on the way back to theirs?
I think your doing the right thing, your not to strict. But I do think you need to have a talk with these parents and let them know how you feel about what went on and listen to what they have to say, if you don't like what they have to say back then I would just walk away ... allow their daughter to come over but don't allow yours over there unless they're going run any plans by you that involve your daughter.
I don't think you're being to strict, I would have done the same thing ... although the smoking in the same vehicle and sending the girls to walk alone in the dark at 10pm, alone would have been enough for me to march back over there with the girls and ask the parents why they didn't just call and ask you or your wife to bring whatever your daughter forgot or why they didn't drive them over so she could grab it. How would they have felt if something had happened to the girls on their way to your place or on the way back to theirs?
I think your doing the right thing, your not to strict. But I do think you need to have a talk with these parents and let them know how you feel about what went on and listen to what they have to say, if you don't like what they have to say back then I would just walk away ... allow their daughter to come over but don't allow yours over there unless they're going run any plans by you that involve your daughter.
I think thats a difficult one. At 12, you know what, if my daughter goes somehwere with a friend without telling me, it isnt going to bother me in the slightest. I cant think up a single reason why it would. But then I know that not everyone feels the same way.
Find out exactly what happened first, before you make any discisions.
Find out exactly what happened first, before you make any discisions.
I like to know where my kids are. If they say they are going to be at a friend's house that's where I expect them to be. Not at the beach 15 miles away.
Thanks to everyone for the opinions. This family is moving away in a few weeks so I've decided to continue to limit access to the friend's house and just let it die.
Thanks to everyone for the opinions. This family is moving away in a few weeks so I've decided to continue to limit access to the friend's house and just let it die.
I would let it die too since they are moving away.
One thing I have found helpful (my 13yo hangs out with a lovely girl, but she has an irresponsible mother) is that I always let my daughter know that I really like her friend, but that it is her mother that is not doing her job. They have been friends for 2 years, and it even got to the point that she wasn't allowed to go over there for a while, and she seems to understand (and trust me, she is not the understanding type at 13). I think they just don't want their friends to be 'dissed'. We just explain safety issues, etc, and let her know that we can't protect her in that type of environment.
Good luck!
One thing I have found helpful (my 13yo hangs out with a lovely girl, but she has an irresponsible mother) is that I always let my daughter know that I really like her friend, but that it is her mother that is not doing her job. They have been friends for 2 years, and it even got to the point that she wasn't allowed to go over there for a while, and she seems to understand (and trust me, she is not the understanding type at 13). I think they just don't want their friends to be 'dissed'. We just explain safety issues, etc, and let her know that we can't protect her in that type of environment.
Good luck!
you are right. if u cant get the ok from mom and dad, then u just have to face the fact that plans are cancelled. just part of having kids. as far as smoking they shouldnt EVER be doing that around their own kids let alone yours. have a long talk with the girls mom and dad and i would give one more chance
I think that your daughter is the one who needs to be talked to. You should make yourself very clear as to what is acceptable to you and make sure she is able to follow your rules no matter who she is around. This family will be moving away, but there will be others in the future, and as she gets older, it's only going to get harder.
Your daughter is the only one who knows what is and is not acceptable to you. People are different and what is acceptable to others may not be acceptable to you, and that is a two way street.
When my son is not with me, I always have my cell phone on me. I have to make sure that I am available at all times when he is in someone else care. If something is going on that is not ok for him, or ok by my rules, then he can reach me and I can go get him.
All that being said, you can't think of every situation before it happens. If they do something that is not ok, then you talk about it and let them know what is expected in the future. If they break the rule, then you start dishing out consequences. You can't watch them 24/7 and you need to be sure that they are able to make good decisions when you are not around. And when they make good decisions when you are not around, be sure to tell them how proud you are!
Your daughter is the only one who knows what is and is not acceptable to you. People are different and what is acceptable to others may not be acceptable to you, and that is a two way street.
When my son is not with me, I always have my cell phone on me. I have to make sure that I am available at all times when he is in someone else care. If something is going on that is not ok for him, or ok by my rules, then he can reach me and I can go get him.
All that being said, you can't think of every situation before it happens. If they do something that is not ok, then you talk about it and let them know what is expected in the future. If they break the rule, then you start dishing out consequences. You can't watch them 24/7 and you need to be sure that they are able to make good decisions when you are not around. And when they make good decisions when you are not around, be sure to tell them how proud you are!
Your the parent, it is your decision.
I am embarrassed to admit but I smoke, I also respect that many parents don't want their kids exposed to it at all. If my kids have friends over I don't smoke in the house/car unless I know the parents or ask the kids if their parents smoke around them.
However, I think it would have been best for the parents to call you not your daughter. I'm gonna keep that in mind for future reference when we have visitors.
I am embarrassed to admit but I smoke, I also respect that many parents don't want their kids exposed to it at all. If my kids have friends over I don't smoke in the house/car unless I know the parents or ask the kids if their parents smoke around them.
However, I think it would have been best for the parents to call you not your daughter. I'm gonna keep that in mind for future reference when we have visitors.
Hartz75 said:
I agree wholeheartedly. Listen to your instincts. Even if it looks harmless to your senses, if there is something about them that doesn't sit right, dont' take chances with your daughter. Who cares if your daughter is upset? That is why you're the parent. to keep her safe when she can't do it herself.
I would attempt a conversation, for your spouse's sake, but still stick with my original decision.
I agree with the "not too strict" verdict.
I agree you could find out what really happened and not jump to conclusions.
And, although you are the parent and you need to decide what happens, you know that teenagers (OK she's 12) will rail against rules. Perhaps, if you can have the mindset that you are "on her side" rather than "a dictator." I don't mean you are "her friend," but that you give her a little bit of respect and discuss things. For example, if you had explained what you find unacceptable and that you think she should have her friend over to your house rather than the other way around, perhaps the outcome would have been less volatile.
Sometimes things that seem really risky, are not all that risky in the big scheme of things. Especially if nothing actually happened.
Matt
I agree you could find out what really happened and not jump to conclusions.
And, although you are the parent and you need to decide what happens, you know that teenagers (OK she's 12) will rail against rules. Perhaps, if you can have the mindset that you are "on her side" rather than "a dictator." I don't mean you are "her friend," but that you give her a little bit of respect and discuss things. For example, if you had explained what you find unacceptable and that you think she should have her friend over to your house rather than the other way around, perhaps the outcome would have been less volatile.
Sometimes things that seem really risky, are not all that risky in the big scheme of things. Especially if nothing actually happened.
Matt
As long as your not terminating the friendship, I see no reason why putting restrictions is a bad thing. However, the way you presented it may be the reason for your daughter's anger. She is probably old enough to resent when you make decisions for her so try to bring up these topics in a more collaborative way. Ask her opinion. Explain your concerns. Suggest your restrictions in positive way.
It would also be helpful to talk to your daughter about what she felt about the situation herself. Otherwise I totally support your decision. Only you yourself can decide which things are appropriate and which are not for your child.
Nope, not too strict IMO.
The clincher for me would be the smoking in the car....which means they most likely smoke in the house as well.
That would never fly with me at all, that's a form of slowly poisoning my kid.
And if they took her somewhere unannounced, that would do it too...what if something was to happen, that I needed to get to her immediately?, or something happenned to them on their outing....
A parent has a right to know where their young children are at all times.
I would discuss the issues and concerns with the other girls parents...if they seem uninterested in complying, then cut them loose.
The clincher for me would be the smoking in the car....which means they most likely smoke in the house as well.
That would never fly with me at all, that's a form of slowly poisoning my kid.
And if they took her somewhere unannounced, that would do it too...what if something was to happen, that I needed to get to her immediately?, or something happenned to them on their outing....
A parent has a right to know where their young children are at all times.
I would discuss the issues and concerns with the other girls parents...if they seem uninterested in complying, then cut them loose.
You must follow your instincts, and if you're uncomfortable with the friend's parents, then you have every right to not allow her over there. Speaking with these people might help, but if theyre setting the wrong example for your kid and not supervising her the way they should, then theyre probably never going to. Theres never anything wrong with doing what you feel you have to to protect your kid, even if it means hurt feelings.