Am I Doing The Right Thing?...

[Xero]

The joint physical custody being sought is 1 year me, 1 year him with unlimited visitation in-between time, etc...since he lives 8 hours away.

NO WAY. I'm sorry, but NO WAY. All of the things you said about what kind of person he is, and what kind of stuff he is DEEPLY into, I wouldn't want my kid AROUND someone like that let alone being cared for by someone like that. Don't get me wrong, unless he seriously screwed up I wouldn't take my kid away from the guy completely, but this kind of guy I would only EVER give every other weekend with my child. MAYBE every weekend IF he 100% got ALL of this done:

I need to know I'm doing the right thing by insisting that he have his own place as opposed to living with other people, giving our daughter her own room/bed, that he attend AA meetings and not take our little girl on the job with him. I need to know that he is stable in these ways for at least 1 full year--which, of course, he's not in agreement with. He's the type who wants it all without having to work for it.

And I understand that the every other weekend/every weekend thing isn't possible because he moved far away, but IMO guess what - Not your problem!!!! If he cares enough to see her, he'll move closer. I feel like you'd have to be crazy to let her go for a YEAR with a man who is into drugs so bad he wouldn't even consider AA, continuously does irresponsible and dangerous things while under the influence and probably sees no problem with that, and can't/wont even get a place of his own, and doesn't have a bed or a bedroom for your daughter when she goes.

And I want to say, I am SO not trying to make you feel bad. Maybe I'm just crazy over protective of my kids, and so I come off as over the top. BUT it is sincerely my thoughtthat if he REALLY cared about seeing her, he would do EVERYTHING in his power to do what he had to do to make his situation suitable for her, not just cry in court and whine about how he "can't afford it" or "doesn't have time". He needs to grow up and get his priorities in line. He's not helpless or handicapped or incapable. The fact that he wont get his crap in order is enough of a red flag to me that he doesn't care to change, and he will definitely have your daughter in situations you wont be comfortable with. My mind would be screaming "don't do it!!".

Aside from all of that, I really feel for you and your daughter, because it must be hard making the tough decisions like that and your daughter must really be hurting because she doesn't understand what's good for her or what will keep her safe and healthy, you know? It hurts for everybody. Unfortunately, before she will be okay to go with him for that long, he needs to get his life together. Most people do that when their kids are born, not 11 years later.

I don't want to sound mean, I just had to be totally honest here because that's how I would feel if I were in your shoes. I truely hope that you and your daughter get through this soon, and that your ex gets his life together for her sake.

 

[momofpandemoniu]

NO WAY. I'm sorry, but NO WAY. All of the things you said about what kind of person he is, and what kind of stuff he is DEEPLY into, I wouldn't want my kid AROUND someone like that let alone being cared for by someone like that. Don't get me wrong, unless he seriously screwed up I wouldn't take my kid away from the guy completely, but this kind of guy I would only EVER give every other weekend with my child. MAYBE every weekend IF he 100% got ALL of this done:




And I understand that the every other weekend/every weekend thing isn't possible because he moved far away, but IMO guess what - Not your problem!!!! If he cares enough to see her, he'll move closer. I feel like you'd have to be crazy to let her go for a YEAR with a man who is into drugs so bad he wouldn't even consider AA, continuously does irresponsible and dangerous things while under the influence and probably sees no problem with that, and can't/wont even get a place of his own, and doesn't have a bed or a bedroom for your daughter when she goes.

And I want to say, I am SO not trying to make you feel bad. Maybe I'm just crazy over protective of my kids, and so I come off as over the top. BUT it is sincerely my thoughtthat if he REALLY cared about seeing her, he would do EVERYTHING in his power to do what he had to do to make his situation suitable for her, not just cry in court and whine about how he "can't afford it" or "doesn't have time". He needs to grow up and get his priorities in line. He's not helpless or handicapped or incapable. The fact that he wont get his crap in order is enough of a red flag to me that he doesn't care to change, and he will definitely have your daughter in situations you wont be comfortable with. My mind would be screaming "don't do it!!".

Aside from all of that, I really feel for you and your daughter, because it must be hard making the tough decisions like that and your daughter must really be hurting because she doesn't understand what's good for her or what will keep her safe and healthy, you know? It hurts for everybody. Unfortunately, before she will be okay to go with him for that long, he needs to get his life together. Most people do that when their kids are born, not 11 years later.

I don't want to sound mean, I just had to be totally honest here because that's how I would feel if I were in your shoes. I truely hope that you and your daughter get through this soon, and that your ex gets his life together for her sake.

Thank you for this. It's exactly what I was looking for: good, solid confirmation that what I'm doing is the only thing that should be done.

It IS hard seeing my baby's emotions being unhinged. My heart hurts for her.

In my own observation, he has stopped all drugs and alcohol since he's been up there. In conversation with his bf's g/f, whom he's staying with, she has also confirmed that he's been clean. The motorcycle incident and being kicked out (and later welcomed back) were all done while he was clean. Perhaps they were residual effects of the drugs/alcohol.

Being clean isn't good enough. He needs a complete thorough support system to stay clean for our daughter's sake--hence, my insistance he goes to AA.

Unfortunately, during 1st mediation, he agreed to attend AA just for visitation rights, alone. He didn't follow through. There's nothing going to guarantee that he will follow through on this one.

If my daughter were not involved, I'd not have a reason to control his situation.

Thank you for helping to ease my anxieties. God has brought me to this place.

God bless you ALL and I will try to not seem so uncharacteristically rigid. This situation is all new to me. It's like non-stop drama.

 

[superman]

no offense but he dosnt sound likke a "bad" dad like ur trying to make him out to be. it sounds like he makes bad judgement calls when hes alone..pretty sure he wouldnt do the stuff if he had his daughter with him. i think ur bitter bout the break up and the fact that hes moved on with other women. dont take ur feelings out with ur daughter. this is her only dad

 

[superman]

<LIST>

• 
  <LI>
• moved 8 hrs away b/c he was beat up by a known gang-member w/violent history...gang-member in jail over incident--fear 4 life and he had nowhere else to go since we were already separated and I wouldn't let him come back</LI>
  <LI>
• mediator argued that she was a military brat and it didn't negatively affect her</LI>
  <LI>
• daughter likes it where he lives--beautiful there--daughter is versatile and very family oriented--would desert friends for family without a thought--emotionally close to daddy--</LI>

</LIST>

so how could u think that seperating them for a whole year is good for her (and him) in any way ....like wtf

 

[Jeremy+3]

How about she lives with you in school term time then you have an equal share of the school holidays, or possibly he has a majority share. Or she could live with him during the school term and come to you in the holidays.

She is 11, she can decide how much time at east, summer etc that she wants to spend with you or her father, then you can do alternate christmas/religious celebrations if you celebrate any.

 

[mom2many]

so how could u think that seperating them for a whole year is good for her (and him) in any way ....like wtf

You miss understand, that is what the dad wants but there is a lot more to consider then what he want, there can be a better way then neither mom or dad not having her for a year at a time.


I was thinking the on the same lines as Jeremy on this one.

 

[singledad]

Wait, what? 1 year at a time? No.

[*]He's done meth since he was 16, cleaned up for 1 year while on parole (parole b/c of too many DUI's--10 mos prison)--day after parole over: he picked it back up
[*]he cleaned up for 4 or 5 years after I'd threatened to kick him out and went back to it a year prior to his July 2009 arrest at gunpoint 4 starting to "go" once he was stopped (I'm not a drug user/drinker)[/LIST]I've no reason, at this time, to believe that he is drinking or doing drugs. I believe he's been cleaned up since he's been up there (6 months)

Six months is not enough. Period. He's been clean for longer before, and then relapsed again. Besides, you can't even know for sure - it is only what you "believe". And frankly, him going to AA wouldn't change anything IMO. AA is far from being a guarantee that he will stay clean. I still maintain that in your shoes I would require proof that he is clean consistently, for at least a year or more, and leave how he accomplishes that up to him. To repeat myself - AA isn't for everyone. There are other support systems available besides AA.

You seem to think that he has good intentions, and that's great. Its great that he cares about his daughter and wants to be a part of her life. Unfortunately good intentions are worthless unless backed up by actions. I would not say "never" just yet. I would say "not until he proves he has changed" and than "not for so long at a time". Your daughter may not see it this way, but her safety is more important than her wishes.

Don't get me wrong, unless he seriously screwed up I wouldn't take my kid away from the guy completely, but this kind of guy I would only EVER give every other weekend with my child. MAYBE every weekend IF he 100% got ALL of this done:
.
.
BUT it is sincerely my thought that if he REALLY cared about seeing her, he would do EVERYTHING in his power to do what he had to do to make his situation suitable for her, not just cry in court and whine about how he "can't afford it" or "doesn't have time".

That.

 

[momofpandemoniu]

no offense but he dosnt sound likke a "bad" dad like ur trying to make him out to be. it sounds like he makes bad judgement calls when hes alone..pretty sure he wouldnt do the stuff if he had his daughter with him. i think ur bitter bout the break up and the fact that hes moved on with other women. dont take ur feelings out with ur daughter. this is her only dad

No offense taken. I've repeatedly written in here that he's good to and with her and I'm agonizing over not allowing her to go 8 hours away to live with him every other school year.

If you read my posts, you will see that my concerns lie in the safety factor and that if anything happens on his watch, it won't be purposely on his part, it will be a poor judgment call on his part. I, under NO circumstances, want to keep her away from him. As previous posts say, I not only don't speak about his faults and problems in front of her but, my door is open to him 24/7--any time he pleases, he can just walk right in without knocking. Not a problem. Of course I still love him: love doesn't come with a switch.

During our marriage, he repeatedly said that he needs me and the girls in order to "quit," (an addict cliche) but only went back to it. He needs to be independent and do it on his own for himself.

He has not moved on to other women and I've not moved on to other men. I was the one who kicked him out for the addiction/alcohol/never working to support us and, I advised him to move 8 hours away for fear of his (and mine and my girls' lives).

Please go back and take your time with my posts. Thank you.

 

[momofpandemoniu]

so how could u think that seperating them for a whole year is good for her (and him) in any way ....like wtf

He can and has come to get her on her school vacations/weekends any time he pleases.

If I don't make sure everything is right for her to go LIVE with him for an entire school year, then what kind of a mother would I be? We're not talking about someone who just made a few mistakes over a period of 29 years and bada-bing-bam, everything's okay after only 6 months.

???

 

[momofpandemoniu]

How about she lives with you in school term time then you have an equal share of the school holidays, or possibly he has a majority share. Or she could live with him during the school term and come to you in the holidays.

She is 11, she can decide how much time at east, summer etc that she wants to spend with you or her father, then you can do alternate christmas/religious celebrations if you celebrate any.

This is what joint physical custody is.

An 11 year old should not be put in the position to have to keep themselves safe--the parents should do everything they can to keep their children safe. To give him the care on a year-long basis under the circumstances I've described, whether intentional on his part or not, wouldn't be good for her.

I know he never intended to put our lives in danger on multiple occasions--but it happened--burning our home down not once but twice--on tweak jobs--among other things.

Thank you all for your insight into this situation.

 

[momofpandemoniu]

Wait, what? 1 year at a time? No.


Six months is not enough. Period. He's been clean for longer before, and then relapsed again. Besides, you can't even know for sure - it is only what you "believe". And frankly, him going to AA wouldn't change anything IMO. AA is far from being a guarantee that he will stay clean. I still maintain that in your shoes I would require proof that he is clean consistently, for at least a year or more, and leave how he accomplishes that up to him. To repeat myself - AA isn't for everyone. There are other support systems available besides AA.

You seem to think that he has good intentions, and that's great. Its great that he cares about his daughter and wants to be a part of her life. Unfortunately good intentions are worthless unless backed up by actions. I would not say "never" just yet. I would say "not until he proves he has changed" and than "not for so long at a time". Your daughter may not see it this way, but her safety is more important than her wishes.


That.

Thank you and I agree that AA isn't one size fits all but it's a start.

Do you have any suggestions on what types of programs I can suggest? Perhaps a parenting program "in addition to?"

I'm going to take a parenting program, myself. I'm up for benefitting from the experience of others.

 

[momofpandemoniu]

Wait, what? 1 year at a time? No.


Six months is not enough. Period. He's been clean for longer before, and then relapsed again. Besides, you can't even know for sure - it is only what you "believe". has changed" and than "not for so long at a time". Your daughter may not see it this way, but her safety is more important than her wishes.

We're on the same page. Thank you, you have been extremely helpful. I would like so much to give them both what they want, but...

I so appreciate your insight. Thank you.

 

[Xero]

Superman, you need to try not to be rude about a topic just because it applies to you somewhat. A lot of what you said was pretty immature, like "you're just mad cause he moved on"? Come on bud, that's not what this thread is about. She listed all of her concerns, and I think most people here find them to be pretty valid concerns.

You might not be perfect, but at least your carelessness never got your kid hurt and at least you probably have a bed for your son at your place, and you're not trying to move hours and hours away to make things harder. You have partial custody on weekends and whatnot, which would not be possible if you lived far away. Its too much to ask any parent to give away their kid for an entire year. Would you want to go without seeing James for a year and the whole time be uncertain of his living situation and his safety? I doubt it. Make sure to look at things from both points of view, not just your own, or just this guy's.

momofpandemonium - Don't take what he said to heart, he is looking at your story in a personal way and not taking in the important details or whether or not the child's safety is at risk, only the fact that the father with problems is not seeing his daughter the time that he would like.

 

[momofpandemoniu]

Superman, you need to try not to be rude about a topic just because it applies to you somewhat. A lot of what you said was pretty immature, like "you're just mad cause he moved on"? Come on bud, that's not what this thread is about. She listed all of her concerns, and I think most people here find them to be pretty valid concerns.

You might not be perfect, but at least your carelessness never got your kid hurt and at least you probably have a bed for your son at your place, and you're not trying to move hours and hours away to make things harder. You have partial custody on weekends and whatnot, which would not be possible if you lived far away. Its too much to ask any parent to give away their kid for an entire year. Would you want to go without seeing James for a year and the whole time be uncertain of his living situation and his safety? I doubt it. Make sure to look at things from both points of view, not just your own, or just this guy's.

momofpandemonium - Don't take what he said to heart, he is looking at your story in a personal way and not taking in the important details or whether or not the child's safety is at risk, only the fact that the father with problems is not seeing his daughter the time that he would like.

Thank you. I suspected.

Visitation is in place and he's had her every major holiday and before he left, he was staying with our very responsible 22 year old just around the corner from my residence and our 11 yr old stayed with them as much as she pleased without having to switch schools and make/abandon new friends.

When he wasn't home, (out at bars and tweaking around town--I wouldn't say that if I didn't know first hand), and our 22 yr old had to go to work, I would grab our 11 yr old and keep her with me, ultimately with her wanting to stay with me for awhile while still seeing him when he wasn't "busy."

She's had a very good, even dose of both of us and, had he lived closer, she would continue to get a very good, even dose of both of us with him still wanting joint physical custody.

Since he's been 8 hours away, he comes down every other weekend and, I've allowed him to take her on every holiday (Christmas/Thanksgiving, etc) and, we have our holidays as a WHOLE family--when he comes to get her, I make holiday dinners early and we sit around like a family. For Xmas, he had her the week b4, brought her down and had Christmas like a whole family and then took her back with him for the remainder of the holiday and brought her back.

He will have her 1/2 of her summer (probably the whole summer if I give in to her) and has her for all of the other 4-day or 1/2 week vacations. He comes down on any weekend he wants, as well--keep in mind: he has no other responsibilities (except a steady job he's never had since I've known him)--he has nothing keeping him in a single place.

Considering moving 8 hours away was his doing (almost getting killed--the guy who beat him up was not only a gang member but, was going to stab him--and I'm still worried when the guy gets out of jail that he won't come to my door since ex used my address as his own when he hadn't lived here for 2 years prior), then he should do whatever it takes in order to EARN joint physical custody.

And tomorrow, my daughter's broken heart will pierce my heart again and make me second guess myself.

I'm sorry for superman's situation and hope it gets better but, mine and superman's situations are completely opposite.

Thank you for all your advice and help.

 

[momofpandemoniu]

We're not talking about someone who just made a few mistakes over a period of 29 years and bada-bing-bam, everything's okay after only 6 months.

By the way, he is 45 years old and I'm somewhere in that age range. That's an embarrassing statistic for the both of us for obvious reasons.

Sometimes, youngsters have better insight than we fogies. Even at my age and having 4 children, I've never been through anything like this and, I hope to handle this in a mature fashion.

 

[momofpandemoniu]

Superman, you need to try not to be rude about a topic just because it applies to you somewhat. A lot of what you said was pretty immature, like "you're just mad cause he moved on"? Come on bud, that's not what this thread is about. She listed all of her concerns, and I think most people here find them to be pretty valid concerns.

You might not be perfect, but at least your carelessness never got your kid hurt and at least you probably have a bed for your son at your place, and you're not trying to move hours and hours away to make things harder. You have partial custody on weekends and whatnot, which would not be possible if you lived far away. Its too much to ask any parent to give away their kid for an entire year. Would you want to go without seeing James for a year and the whole time be uncertain of his living situation and his safety? I doubt it. Make sure to look at things from both points of view, not just your own, or just this guy's.

momofpandemonium - Don't take what he said to heart, he is looking at your story in a personal way and not taking in the important details or whether or not the child's safety is at risk, only the fact that the father with problems is not seeing his daughter the time that he would like.

And thank you for your support, understanding and sensitivity. You are very kind.

 

[superman]

sorry

 

[momofpandemoniu]

sorry

It's okay. I understand. I'm sorry for your own pain.

 

[Aunt]

On the substance abuse thing,as somebody who has been there a long time ago I can say that 12 steps, contrary to popular beleif is not for everyone. If he says it is not for him dont assume that this is because he is unwilling to get clean. I can remember finding this attitude maddeningly unhelpful and annoying. However if he is unwilling to try any rehab options then this is a very worrying sign. He needs to show a real commitment to kicking these bad habits.
I think that having a kid on the cusp of puberty spend one year in one place and another in the next is a bad idea. At this age the peer group becomes important and it gets hard to make friends when having to continually swap places. This can lead a lot of kids to fall in with a less than desirable crowd.
I would cut him some slack on the toe truck thing. She is 11 not 4. If he locks the door and keeps an eye on her this seems fair enough.
Given that you say he goes out and parties on the weekends that she stays with your 22 year old, it does not bode well. For a start he is acting too selfishly to recognize that his older kid is a young adult who deserves a life of their own. They are doing him a favor and he is using them up for it. This is not OK.
I can appreciate this is tough on your daughter but so would moving be. Continue to allow as much access as both parties want but do not allow too much unsupervised access until you see a comittment to putting the needs of his child first. Good luck

 

[singledad]

Thank you and I agree that AA isn't one size fits all but it's a start.

Do you have any suggestions on what types of programs I can suggest? Perhaps a parenting program "in addition to?"

I'm going to take a parenting program, myself. I'm up for benefitting from the experience of others.

A parenting programme is not a bad idea.

It is hard for me to recommend an alternative to AA, not knowing what is available in his area. I could recommend the programme that helped me, but I did it in combination with intensive CBT, so I really can't say how effective it would be on its own, without the guidance of a therapist. I can PM you the link if you want.

There are quite a number of websites that also provide awesome resources, as well as forums where one can get advice and support. I would, however, not just jump into any forum - some are flooded with bad advice from people who are still using and have no desire to stop.