Ok, I know as I'm putting this down on paper, I will look like an idiot of a parent for not picking up the signs of this a long time ago. I have 3 children. The oldest and the youngest are doing great. The middle son is another story. He has always been mediocre in school. Nothing any of the teachers said much about-- just that he could always do better, but we all thought....."he's a boy, etc"
Graduated from high school and on to community college. Didn't do so well on the placement tests, so took some remedial classes to get him up to speed. Got a "D" in biology first semester, so retook it 2nd semester and passed with a "C". Came to us and said that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't do well. Took him to the Dr. and we got a diagnosis of ADD. He's now on Vyvanse. Went another year at Community college and "seemed" to be getting "C"'s,
Around spring break of 2nd year, he came home really messed up (first time we've ever witnessed anything like this). Searched his car (our car actually that we allow him to drive to school and work) and found a bong and a metal box with bank receipts. When we checked the account number, found that he had been making withdrawals from his brother's account ($1600 over a few months). We got a committment from him that when his job started in April he was going to pay his brother back (and he did). Worked the summer, things seemed to be going ok. Back to school for his 3rd year at Community College. After the incident in the Spring we told him we we would no longer pay for college. He would need to take out loans and we would reimburse him if he passed his classes with at least a "C".
Each semester he would print out his transcript and show it to us.....nothing worse than a "C". , but we have since found out that he doctored the printout that we saw, so he had failed classes. We now know it's for non-attendance. He got up on time for school each morning and came back promptly on time, but never went to class.
In the Spring of his 3rd year, we got a knock on the door. It was from parents of a kid who our son had written checks that had bounced. (their son was a drug dealer)Their accounts had been frozen because of the bounced checks and were looking for payment or they were going to the police. We had been keeping our sons money and not allowing access (other than for small amounts), so son took from this money and paid them. 2 or 3 days later another kid comes to the door with copies of bounced checks our son had written him and wanting payment. So son paid him. both of these situations were for purchase of drugs....although we find it very humorous that drug dealers in these parts take checks. He also owed the bank $1600 from bounced checks and fees that they had paid. He's paid the bank off, too.
Anyway...during the course of this time, he had a car accident (thinks he fell asleep....no drugs in system), then a month later has a seizure and 10 days after that another seizure. In hindsight, we think the car accident was a seizure and in further thinking, think it was that he was trying to get off drugs and be clean for when his girlfriend came home from college.
Herein lies the other issue. He has a sweet girlfriend from an affluent family. She wants to marry a college graduate. He does not want her to know anything about his drug use. He appears to be clean over the summer and falls back into the same pattern when school starts up. We are starting to think that school stresses are what have him turning to drugs.....wanting to do well for her but not able to.
He's now on depakote for 2 years for seizures. We are drug testing him on a fairly regular, unannounced basis at home. Everything going fairly well with the drug test until this past October. Failed the opiate part. Said that he got a Vicodin at the golf course because he had this horrible headache that wouldn't go away. We semi-believed him, as he has bad allergies, but still weren't quite buying it. Then the cell phone bill came and we saw a phone number on there more times than the calls to his girlfriend. We didn't recognize it, so I went to a payphone and dialed it. It went to voicemail and the name was a person who is known as a drug-dealer in our town and a pretty messed up kid.
Confront the son and he breaks down and says that all along it's been a problem with heroine......off and on. He was doing fairly well at staying drug free until the drug dealer showed up at our house when my husband and I were gone. Now, our son could have said no, but didn't. and now has this monkey on his back again. He was been in counselling since the Spring, but also had his counselor buffaloed, too.
Well, as you can guess, this semester didn't go so well either and the community college has terminated him.
My husband and I have been attending a Families Anonymous Group and it has been very helpful. We are deciding to make this his problem, not ours (although with him in our house, it is somewhat our problem). He knows that if he has any more drug issues, it is either rehab or he's out of the house. We want to send him to rehab, now, but he won't go because then his girlfriend would know what's going on.
The counselor says that although he's 22 years in age, his maturity is more like a 15 year old. Do you throw a mental 15 year old out on the street?
I should add that I always thought my husband and I were very involved parents, knew our kid's friends, etc. Our family attended church on a regular basis, etc. Had dinner together as a family. No drugs and very very little alcohol was used in our home. Everything that the books say to do, we did.....but it didn't seem to work for the middle kid.
Any thoughts?
We've told him that he's got to come up with a plan....whether to appeal his termination, get a full-time job, maybe go into a trade school.
We are not, though, going to help him. We can supply him with options, help him locate places, etc.
Sorry this is so long. Anyone have any experience with this type of situation?
Graduated from high school and on to community college. Didn't do so well on the placement tests, so took some remedial classes to get him up to speed. Got a "D" in biology first semester, so retook it 2nd semester and passed with a "C". Came to us and said that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't do well. Took him to the Dr. and we got a diagnosis of ADD. He's now on Vyvanse. Went another year at Community college and "seemed" to be getting "C"'s,
Around spring break of 2nd year, he came home really messed up (first time we've ever witnessed anything like this). Searched his car (our car actually that we allow him to drive to school and work) and found a bong and a metal box with bank receipts. When we checked the account number, found that he had been making withdrawals from his brother's account ($1600 over a few months). We got a committment from him that when his job started in April he was going to pay his brother back (and he did). Worked the summer, things seemed to be going ok. Back to school for his 3rd year at Community College. After the incident in the Spring we told him we we would no longer pay for college. He would need to take out loans and we would reimburse him if he passed his classes with at least a "C".
Each semester he would print out his transcript and show it to us.....nothing worse than a "C". , but we have since found out that he doctored the printout that we saw, so he had failed classes. We now know it's for non-attendance. He got up on time for school each morning and came back promptly on time, but never went to class.
In the Spring of his 3rd year, we got a knock on the door. It was from parents of a kid who our son had written checks that had bounced. (their son was a drug dealer)Their accounts had been frozen because of the bounced checks and were looking for payment or they were going to the police. We had been keeping our sons money and not allowing access (other than for small amounts), so son took from this money and paid them. 2 or 3 days later another kid comes to the door with copies of bounced checks our son had written him and wanting payment. So son paid him. both of these situations were for purchase of drugs....although we find it very humorous that drug dealers in these parts take checks. He also owed the bank $1600 from bounced checks and fees that they had paid. He's paid the bank off, too.
Anyway...during the course of this time, he had a car accident (thinks he fell asleep....no drugs in system), then a month later has a seizure and 10 days after that another seizure. In hindsight, we think the car accident was a seizure and in further thinking, think it was that he was trying to get off drugs and be clean for when his girlfriend came home from college.
Herein lies the other issue. He has a sweet girlfriend from an affluent family. She wants to marry a college graduate. He does not want her to know anything about his drug use. He appears to be clean over the summer and falls back into the same pattern when school starts up. We are starting to think that school stresses are what have him turning to drugs.....wanting to do well for her but not able to.
He's now on depakote for 2 years for seizures. We are drug testing him on a fairly regular, unannounced basis at home. Everything going fairly well with the drug test until this past October. Failed the opiate part. Said that he got a Vicodin at the golf course because he had this horrible headache that wouldn't go away. We semi-believed him, as he has bad allergies, but still weren't quite buying it. Then the cell phone bill came and we saw a phone number on there more times than the calls to his girlfriend. We didn't recognize it, so I went to a payphone and dialed it. It went to voicemail and the name was a person who is known as a drug-dealer in our town and a pretty messed up kid.
Confront the son and he breaks down and says that all along it's been a problem with heroine......off and on. He was doing fairly well at staying drug free until the drug dealer showed up at our house when my husband and I were gone. Now, our son could have said no, but didn't. and now has this monkey on his back again. He was been in counselling since the Spring, but also had his counselor buffaloed, too.
Well, as you can guess, this semester didn't go so well either and the community college has terminated him.
My husband and I have been attending a Families Anonymous Group and it has been very helpful. We are deciding to make this his problem, not ours (although with him in our house, it is somewhat our problem). He knows that if he has any more drug issues, it is either rehab or he's out of the house. We want to send him to rehab, now, but he won't go because then his girlfriend would know what's going on.
The counselor says that although he's 22 years in age, his maturity is more like a 15 year old. Do you throw a mental 15 year old out on the street?
I should add that I always thought my husband and I were very involved parents, knew our kid's friends, etc. Our family attended church on a regular basis, etc. Had dinner together as a family. No drugs and very very little alcohol was used in our home. Everything that the books say to do, we did.....but it didn't seem to work for the middle kid.
Any thoughts?
We've told him that he's got to come up with a plan....whether to appeal his termination, get a full-time job, maybe go into a trade school.
We are not, though, going to help him. We can supply him with options, help him locate places, etc.
Sorry this is so long. Anyone have any experience with this type of situation?
If he doesn't learn how to stay away from them and say no in any and all circumstances, then he will not progress.