Asking questions about absentee father......

[SammiesMom]

Sam has been asking a lot of questions lately about families and things. (His father and I split up when I was pregnant, and he hardly sees him. We tried to form a relationship, but it always ended up with Sam and I sitting around waiting for his dad to show up, and he never would... So I quit trying).

First he started asking how his father and I had him if we weren't married.

So I told him that we loved each other very much and wanted a baby, so we had him.

Then he asked HOW we had him.

So I explained that men have magic seeds and when a mommy and a daddy decide they want to have a baby, the man plants the magic seed in the mommy's belly and a baby grows. He asked HOW the seed gets in the mommy's belly, but I just told him I'd tell him that when he was older and he didn't need to worry about it just yet. haha

Then he asked why his dad and I aren't married now, and why I am going to marry someone else and not his daddy.

I tried to explain to him that his daddy and I both love him very much, but we aren't in love with each other anymore, and that just because we don't live with his dad, that doesn't mean he's NOT his real daddy...

Then he went on to say that he wishes his father and I were married and loved each other still, because all of his friends have both a mom and a dad, and he doesn't get to see his daddy.

It's just really tough trying to explain to him that his daddy loves him, even though he shows no interest in being in his life.

How to I assure Sammie that his daddy loves him, even though he is clearly a total idiot?

 

[fallon]

how often does his real father see him...ever???? That will make a total difference in how I answer this question (I also have a 5 yr old with an absent bio-dad)

 

[SammiesMom]

Well, this year he's seen him once. For about an hour at the mall (His father wasn't interested in taking him anywhere other than the mall).

But he sees his father's parents daily, so he is aware of that side of his family..

 

[musicmom]

Do you have a new man in your life? I have recently explained to my children that just because you do not share the same blood doesn't mean someone can't be family. (Aunts and people like that)
I would say something like this (I'd sit him down and hold him) "sometimes daddy's can not do all the work it takes to be a daddy but a mommy can. They don't understand how to love like your mommy does. (you don't want to give him false hope that his daddy loves him if he doesn't) Your daddy knows that I will protect you and love you and take care of you. Daddy and I decided together that mommy would keep you safe and daddy could come and see you when he could. Daddy works alot so it's hard for him to come here. Then ask if he has any questions.
Poor little guy. I'd like to kick his daddy in the butt for him.

 

[fallon]

I know what you mean...My dd's father is in prison but before that he was not active in her life at all...he'd see her maybe once a month for like 5 minutes. His parents however see her overnight once a month sometimes more. I remind her when she starts talking about daddy's that some men just aren't ready to be daddy's and I tell her how lucky she is that she has Ryan who does all the same things a daddy would do and loves her just as much if not more than any daddy could loves his daughter. I also tell her that parents can't really choice their kids but how nice it is that Ryan was able to choose a daughter and he picked her. I tell her that Josh (bio-dad) loved her very much but just couldn't handle being a daddy, maybe one day he will realize how silly he is for missing all the wonderful stuff she does. I never never bad mouth Josh (in front of her anyways) but when the daddy subject comes up This is how I handle it. If your ex is making the choice to be absent in your sons life then you should feel like you HAVE to convince your son that his "real" dad loves him...don't say he doesn't or anything. I guess the way I see it is I don't ever want my daughter to think I was lying to her about her bio-dad so I just tell her things about him that I know are true...no false promises

 

[musicmom]

This is why I got my son into karate. He has to answer to Shihan. Shihan is not a father figure but my son has to answer to him if he misbehaves. Shihan is also a police officer and teaches respect, self control, awareness, etc. He holds my son accountable. No it is not my son's father but he is a positive roll model and is picking up my son's fathers slack.
All my son has of his father is phone calls every other day that last about one minute and broken promises to come see him. I do not bad mouth except to say that it ticks me off that he does not keep his promise. My children know I have their best interest and I feel the same way they do.

 

[SammiesMom]

Sam is in karate as well. And my fiance has been in his life for almost two years. Sam knows that my fiance is not his daddy (and I must admit, my fiance is having a hard time adjusting to "dad mode."), but I wish that they would click more in that area.

Telling him that his dad just wasn't ready to be a daddy and that we decided together that I would take care of him is a good idea. Thank you for that.

It's a shame that when he's older he's gonna realize what a bum his father actually is. He probably won't want very much to do with him... But I guess he's bringing this upon himself.

 

[musicmom]

Look at it this way too, when your son is older remind him how it broke his heart and tell him that you know when he becomes a daddy one day that he will be a good daddy since he knows what it's like.
All we can do as parents is to make sure our grandchildren have a better life We can raise respectful and responsible sons.

 

[FooserX]

Great post Fallon. I liked reading that.

 

[fallon]

Great post Fallon. I liked reading that.

thanks...I think there is something very special about a man who chooses to father a child who isn't actually "his" especailly when he treats that child as his own instead of being just a step-parent

 

[musicmom]

I agree Fallon. You are an inspiration to me. I am going ot have to pm you and ask you some questions to how you go about feeling comfortable with a guy around your children. I am having a problem and I have recently started seeing two guys. I may eventually fall in love and want them around my children.

 

[SpitNCobra13]

Keep in mind programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters www.bbbs.org, and sometimes the local YMCA will have a similar program if BBBS isn't active in your area. Its a great program for kids, I wish I had been enrolled as a kid instead of depending on all this stuff I didn't get from my dad. The people in the program are usually people like me who have been through it from the kids end, and know what the kids need. The only problem is a shortage of volunteers, so the kids often have to wait a while to get matched.

 

[musicmom]

So what exactly does a big sister or a big brother have to do? I thought about becoming a gaurdian ad litum. That is really cool of you to do that SpitNCobra. Why do you not have children of your own? Can I ask how old you are?

 

[Kim]

thanks...I think there is something very special about a man who chooses to father a child who isn't actually "his" especailly when he treats that child as his own instead of being just a step-parent

I absolutely agree. My husband is that way with my daughter and it just makes me melt to see the way he cares about her as if she was his.

 

[fallon]

I agree Fallon. You are an inspiration to me. I am going ot have to pm you and ask you some questions to how you go about feeling comfortable with a guy around your children. I am having a problem and I have recently started seeing two guys. I may eventually fall in love and want them around my children.

feel free to pm me anytime...I love to talk about my little family

 

[SpitNCobra13]

So what exactly does a big sister or a big brother have to do? I thought about becoming a gaurdian ad litum. That is really cool of you to do that SpitNCobra. Why do you not have children of your own? Can I ask how old you are?

Well, first off you apply to be a big brother or sister, and there are pretty extensive background checks and interviews. This is for two reasons- To protect the children's safety, and to try and optimize the match. Once you are matched, you spend a couple of hours every week alone with the child, and you get to know them really well. The idea is that you are a mentor, and a personal friend to the child. You support them, advise them, and help them grow. Obviously no one can replace a parent, but you do your best to fill in a lot of missing areas in the child's life. The bonding usually is pretty deep in these programs, and often times you hear about the pairs being friends for life. As far as what you actually do, you are encouraged to go out and do things with the child, but you should avoid spending much money, because its not supposed to be about buying them things, or just being entertained. Im only 20 right now, and I just got out of school (note that I didnt particularly say graduated), and I start as a Realtor after Christmas. I haven't met the right woman yet, but I am trying real hard, and I absolutely cannot wait to start a family. Its the most important intention in my life, and wanting kids in the near future is an absolute must in a partner. Who are you planning on becoming the guardian of?

 

[musicmom]

Its a state program where you represent a child in court. They believe children should not be in court so they have volenteers to represent them. There is also an extensive background check and classes because you are working with abused, neglected children.
I think you will have a wonderful family. Good luck on finding that right girl, I wish you a happy family one day

 

[chefrick]

Keep in mind programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters www.bbbs.org, and sometimes the local YMCA will have a similar program if BBBS isn't active in your area. Its a great program for kids, I wish I had been enrolled as a kid instead of depending on all this stuff I didn't get from my dad. The people in the program are usually people like me who have been through it from the kids end, and know what the kids need. The only problem is a shortage of volunteers, so the kids often have to wait a while to get matched.

When BBBS works, it can be a real life saver to kids w/o Moms or Dads. I meet Roger, My big brother from the united way when I was 10, and here we are almost 29 years later, and I went camping with him and my 2 youngest last October. I am not sure I would have survived chidhood without him. It's a shame that too often a BB or Big sis will meet with a kid 1 or 2 times and then stop. If you are TRULY interested in making a commitment to a young child throughout their life, I can speak from experience that you will make a huge difference for the positive.

 

[Kaytee]

I have known many people who have had horrible times with BBBS, to the point of having to call the police on their little brother/sister. But I am sure there are many positive cases out there as well.

 

[chefrick]

I have known many people who have had horrible times with BBBS, to the point of having to call the police on their little brother/sister. But I am sure there are many positive cases out there as well.

Troof!!!

Roger was my 5th. It wasn't me that was the hellion (I was still too young ) the 4 prior picked my brother and I up once and never showed again.

It is definately a commitment as an adult that you shouldn't take unless you can persevere a potentially rough situation.