Between a rock and a hard place...

[Step23]

I would be curious to know: you say this young man's mother's boyfriend allegedly abused him. Is this something his mother has said? His father? The police? Or is this something the young man has said?

If the young man has claimed his mother's boyfriend has abused him, I'm willing to bet $10 this kid was spoiled by his mother, and when her boyfriend came on the scene, he attempted to unspoil him. And the kid didn't like it, and moved in with dad. When dad wasn't willing to do what mom did, you hear how bad his life is. How much solid information did you find out before taking this kid into your home?

Do I feel sorry for this guy? Yeah, in a way. But he is an adult, and you are not responsible for him. If you are willing to put up with him and put in the time and effort to hope he changes, go for it. If not, and your boyfriend isn't willing, tell the kid he needs to find another place to live by the end of year. Or less. It's your home, he's an adult, it's your call. You don't have to live with it.

If he hits bottom and is homeless, it might just be what he needs. Yeah, I know sounds heartless. But this kid has a mom and a dad. And with the behavior he's displaying at your home, I'm doubting the abuse allegation - unless there has been a report with CPS and it is on file.

 

[sweettartsarah]

I had a thought about the "talks" you've been having with him. I like what parentastic said abolut "I" statements. Also, you may want to be sure the talks are actual conversations, not lectures. Research shows that people only hear a minimal amount when being lectured. You could try using a "speaking stick" where only the person holding a specified object is allowed to speak. That can help the conversation not become a lecture or argument. Also if he thinks you are interested in what he has to say he may become more interested in what you have to say.

 

[Carmenellie]

I would be curious to know: you say this young man's mother's boyfriend allegedly abused him. Is this something his mother has said? His father? The police? Or is this something the young man has said?

If the young man has claimed his mother's boyfriend has abused him, I'm willing to bet $10 this kid was spoiled by his mother, and when her boyfriend came on the scene, he attempted to unspoil him. And the kid didn't like it, and moved in with dad. When dad wasn't willing to do what mom did, you hear how bad his life is. How much solid information did you find out before taking this kid into your home?

Do I feel sorry for this guy? Yeah, in a way. But he is an adult, and you are not responsible for him. If you are willing to put up with him and put in the time and effort to hope he changes, go for it. If not, and your boyfriend isn't willing, tell the kid he needs to find another place to live by the end of year. Or less. It's your home, he's an adult, it's your call. You don't have to live with it.

If he hits bottom and is homeless, it might just be what he needs. Yeah, I know sounds heartless. But this kid has a mom and a dad. And with the behavior he's displaying at your home, I'm doubting the abuse allegation - unless there has been a report with CPS and it is on file.

Abuse doesn't have to be CPS worthy to hugely impact a child's life. It could be a parent coming home and telling you how selfish and worthless you are, every single day. It could be the other parent completely ignoring every good thing you do and constantly criticizing you. It could be a parent who just plain ignores you. It could be a parent who plays mind games- they are nice and understanding for a little while, they get you to open up to them again, and then the minute you let your guard down they tear into you mercilessly, mocking your dreams and interests, or worse, they tell you that you're lying about what you think and feel and constantly demand a different story until it satisfies them.

 

[parentastic]

If the young man has claimed his mother's boyfriend has abused him, I'm willing to bet $10 this kid was spoiled by his mother, and when her boyfriend came on the scene, he attempted to unspoil him.

wow. You have a gift for generalizing and drawing huge conclusions out of completely unproven assumptions.
What does "spoiled" mean?
More importantly, what "unspoiling" means?
In your views, you might as well take a belt and regularly beat a child and call this "unspoiling him"...?

Do I feel sorry for this guy? Yeah, in a way.

Really? Somehow, this doesn't strike me.

If he hits bottom and is homeless, it might just be what he needs.

Excuse me?
No human being deserves this, regardless of their age.
And no human being under survival can truly learn anything else but survival.

Yeah, I know sounds heartless.

That must be because it is? :arghh:

 

[singledad]

I can understand that you may need to be taught to recieve kindness, but this kid has no problem with that. Its reciprocating it thats the hard part

But that's the thing, see - he doesn't know how to respond. To you, and to most people, reciprocation is the natural way to respond to kindness, but he may just not get that. Even if he realises that he should reciprocate, he may not have any idea how. I know that sounds crazy - its something that comes so naturally to people, but it is something you have to learn.

As others have said - its likely that things like fitting the bowls together doesn't even occur to him. parentastic has all the correct scientific words for what I'm trying to say. What I can tell you is that most people would be amazed if they knew how much of what they regard as "natural" is actually stuff that children learn through observing and interacting with their children. Abused children are often almost feral... they've never learnt how to function in a normal, stable household. They never learnt how to contribute to society, or how to treat other people. They have never learnt how to do laundry, how to keep a space neat, or to consider the best way to stack mixing bowls. Yes, its obvious to you... but not necessarily to him. Add to that what I've said before :

Perhaps he is pushing your buttons because subconciously he wants you to yell at him and put him down - it is what he knows, and what he believes he deserves. He knows how to feel and how to react when people treat him like that, so he doesn't have to come to terms with new, strange (and therefore frightening) emotions.

Finally, I would start by apologizing for throwing his laundry out in the grass. Most likely, no-one, NO-ONE has EVER aplogized to him. This can be a POWERFUL experience

Yes, yes, yes! Apologising is such an incredibly powerful way to show respect. And for someone who has never been respected... it will definitely make a difference to him.

B does not seem to have the foundation that we all take for granted. It is very similar to a person raised in another culture. All the things you and I might take completely for granted are totally absent from their experience.

Yes, well put.

Take the laundry bags, for instance.
I am betting if you would take him by the hand, bring him to the bags and say: "I notice the laundry is still in the bags, B. How about we do it together? I'll show you how." Then you ask him to pick up the bags, you give him small easy objective (separate the colors... here is how we set the machine, etc) and you do it WITH him, coaching him, and giving him clear feedback: "I noticed you separated the color well, good job. Thank you for doing that."

You then can do this over and over again WITH him for a few days or even a few weeks, slowly doing less and letting him do more, until one day, you can then tell him: "Would you take care of the laundry for me please? " and when he realizes you are not there to do it, you can then say "it's okay, I know you can do it, I trust you."

This sounds like good advice. Just keep in mind that although he is acting 14, and probably has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old, if that, he isn't actually 14. He knows he is older, and he probably knows he should be able to do these things. Not knowing where to start and/or getting it wrong all the time, must be really humiliating for him. If you coached him like a child, he may perceive it as condescension, and take offense. It could also add to his humiliation, and put him on the defensive. So be careful - don't patronize him, and don't be condescending. He is a strange mixture of child and adult, and I'm pretty sure that no one finds it more confusing than him...

I dont have kids of my own for a reason: Im not ready to be anyones mommy, certainly not to someone only a few years my junior. But as frustrated as I am with him, I know hes got no place else to go and Im not sure that I could be responsible for making him homeless. Any thoughts?

I really feel for you. It sounds like this is way bigger than you expected when you took him in, and now you are left without a way out. It must be horribly frustrating and overwhelming to have to deal with problems that you didn't cause, and that isn't your responsibility. I do believe that, if there is a heaven, there must be a special place reserved in it for people like you, who reach out to help those who can't help themselves.

And please know that we are all here to listen and to advise you to the best of our abilities, whenever you need someone to talk to...

 

[singledad]

with the behavior he's displaying at your home, I'm doubting the abuse allegation

You obviously have NO understanding WHATSOEVER of the effects of abuse, or even what constitutes abuse.

Its people like you who prevent so many abused children from getting the help the need and deserve.

unless there has been a report with CPS and it is on file.

So when abuse hasn't been reported, it isn't abuse? So if someone stole your car, and you didn't go to the police, does that mean you still have your car? Do you have ANY IDEA how many cases of abuse never gets reported, or gets reported and not filed, either because of attitudes like yours, of because of the huge gaping holes in the definition of abuse pointed out by Carmenellie?

Yeah, I know sounds heartless.

I'd be more inclined to call it criminally ignorant.

 

[alaskatre]

Its obvious you're being taking advantage of. Now the big question is what are you going to do? You have a legal adult stealing from you and not holding up his end of the verbal contract. It's time for some serious attitude overall. You need to let him know life isn't all about games and television; and without goals or dreams he's going nowhere and will end up on the streets or in jail. Help him set some goals, and if you haven't told him yet let him know his attitude is bringing you to your last straw and you can't take much more of it. He either needs to hop aboard the responsibilty train or choose somewhere else to live because you can't continue to provide him with everything he wants and needs when he can't even pick up after himself. If you guys can sit down and list several goals he can obtain (Short term and long term) and he promises to give 110% effort to obtain them let him stay and help him become a better citizen. If this is another failed attempt to better him, you should SERIOUSLY consider his behavior out of your controll and give him a month or two to leave. People can only be helped if they want it, B just might be a case of someone who doesn't want help, and if thats the case my advice is cut your loses short and let this adult be an adult and handle his own problems, you gave it your best efforts and that's all you can do.
(link removed by mod)

 

[RegalSin]

That sounds like a variant of my family members including myself.

1. Don't give any breathing room about doing chores. Just
disconect all electricity from the garage.

2. Take him down to homeless shelter, and outside and show him the value of a dollar ( which is 25 cents nowadays ). I know a guy who was homeless. He was fat and over weight, he got thrown out by his parents.
He uses public assistance ( the same one that 14 year old pregnant women uses ), and goes to college. Reality he open admits, he hates to
work. Another young man, who I saw recently on the subway, holding his
head down, had red patches all over his face. He said honestly he is injured and is unable to work. Another guy ( dressed with pants half
way down his leg ( search booty hunter on youtube ) and a bandana was
begging for money. THIS TALL YOUNG CLEAN CUT GUY COULD BE A MILITARY MAN, BUT INSTEAD IS BEGGING FOR MONEY. Seriously take him
to a homeless shelter.

3. Find out his ultimate wnts in this world is. Remember their is allways a way. If he is not working on anything, then make him do stuff ( chores ).
While your giving him house and board, try giving him some money from time to time, and see what he does with it.

He loads the dishwasher so poorly, because he is probably a generation Yer. Yers don't have concept of ownership and is the reason why people think digital is real. Without his electricity he is a dead duck in water.

He does not know how to wash dishes, period.

he does them completely half assed. He does not understand that this is your home and not his.

"I dont see why I have to clean it, Im not the only one that uses it." He's right, hes not the only one but thats what we call community effort.

That is called an excuse, excuses are piles of doodie. He owes you money right their.

You would think that to be able to be on a job with a carpenter, mason, and mechanic, he'd see it as a valuable learning experience for future work. No. Every time we go to look for him hes watching Netflix on the xbox. He says "it's not my house, why do I have to do the work?"

Then you get the boytoy to pull him by his ears, and make him participate like a slave from Conan series. Make him watch Conan also to see where he stands.

then spray at them with brake cleaner. In case you dont know, theres a chemical in brake cleaner that strips color out of vinyl siding. So of course he sprays it right at the garage, ruining a good 3 pieces, meaning that we have to buy a whole new box just for 3 pieces.

Again he did not understood.

QUOTE]B likes to smoke those little cheapey cigars, and I smoke cigarettes, so Ive got 3 ashtrays in the garage, since thats the only place I smoke, other than outside.[/QUOTE]

There is something you can do together, get cancer together.

I noticed one day that one of my painted terra cotta plant bases

A plant base, for catching water?

was shoved in with his laundry heap,

He could have washed it out, but he was again doing this out of stupidity.

I found that he had taken one of my expensive drawing pens apart,

Do you think this boy, who's 18, is taking advantage of our hospitality?

I believe 100% he is taking advantage, or does not understand your intensions, and something else is occuring in your or his life. Maybe he is just dumb ( which is normal ), and he needs to be register with selective services or else he will not be able to get goverment jobs.

Do you think Im wrong to ask him to do chores, and housework when everyone else is doing work? Would you let him stay? Or send him back to his father?

No your not wrong. He is a guest in your home. If it was my kid, I would drag em around like a puppet and force them to wash the dishes, and if they give me lip, then make em take a tour of the prisons, and wonderfull homeless facilities.

I really feel that Im being taken advantage of

Monkey see, monkey do. That is how you feel, then you need to make the correct the problem. Like the payments for your damaged art tools, the electricity, and how the place is not kept tidy.

What about him in school, or work, or something??? If he seriously does nothing at all but play with electricity, he could be a medical major all day, but I guess that would be asking too much. Even a city job, or actor.