Birthday party fiasco...

[yunihara]

I am the proud parent of boy/girl twins, but they couldn't be more different than night and day. My girl is very social and loves to be around people. When its the weekend, she always has a friend to come over, or a place to go, and loves to participate in group activities and functions. She's quite the chatterbox, and loves to talk. It seems like everyday she has made a new friend at school, and is always sure to be inclusive. My boy, on the other hand, enjoys to spend time quietly. He can be talkative, but usually keeps to himself, reads, draws and writes. He has a few good friends, but social gatherings, even with family, can make him quite uncomfortable. When it comes to functions where there will be a lot of children, I don't usually force him to go especially if he has a strong adversion to it.


Most recently, both children were invited to a birthday party. It seems like the boy whose birthday it was had invited the entire class (which was about 30 children). I imagine that not every child went to the party, so when my boy said that he didn't wish to go, I had no problem with this. My girl was very excited about the party and she went by herself, and my boy wrote a thank you for the invite and sent a gift along with his sister, which was completely his idea. I didn't see anything wrong with this, as I didn't want him to go to the party and be made uncomfortable, or to behave shyly and cause discomfort to anyone else there.

So here's where it started to get a bit messy. After school, the mother of the boy who had the party, came up to my boy specifcally and basically lectured him about how he should have gone to the party and stuff of that nature, and how it was weird that his sister went but he didn't. My boy didn't know what to say, but he apologized to her, in which her response was "That's not good enough." This upset my boy so much, that he went to the other child and apologized for not going. It turns out that this boy hadn't even noticed my boy wasn't there, and my boy was so embarrassed that he was in tears when he came home.

I feel like the mother was out of line, and I automatically wanted to go and speak with her about it. However, my boy saw how much this upset me, and he nearly begged me not to go and talk to the mother, as he was embarrassed enough as it was. I'm not sure if talking to her would be appropriate, but I still feel like she was unfair and hurtful to my child. Although my child really doesn't want me to, I still have half a mind to call her and try to discuss the situation. If her child hadn't even realized that one of his classmates was missing, then why is it such a big deal? Should I have made him go to the party?

 

[stjohnjulie]

I am a lot like your son. I have social anxiety, and have had it, my whole life. It is Very hard for some people to understand, even if you try to explain it to them.

I feel what this other parent did was just flat out wrong. I put myself in your son's shoes and I know exactly how he feels and how this mom made him feel. And I am not surprised that your son doesn't want you to say anything to her. He is likely a bit like me when it comes to that....hates confrontation or conflict of any kind.

Do I think you should say something to her, yes, I do. I would think really hard about how your are going to say it though. You don't want to make it a huge issue, but let her know that your son is very uncomfortable in social situations and how hard it is for him. Personally, I'd do it in an email. Gives you more time to think about what you are going to say. Just make sure you don't throw anything in that doesn't need to be said, or anything that might upset her. Just state what you have to state and leave it at that. I feel like you should let her know that there are people out there like your son and hopefully she will take that into consideration before she opens her mouth in the future.

I have spent the better part of my life feeling like I am a freak of some sorts because I am not social. Not everyone has to be a social butterfly...and the sooner your son can come to this, the better. What this mom did only makes his anxiety worse, and I am betting that this will be a set back for him. If something like this happened to me, even at 37 years old, it would set me back and make me more reclusive than normal and make me feel bad about myself. Shame on her.

I think what he did, the note and the gift, was more than enough.

 

[yunihara]

I want my boy to feel comfortable and be who he is without anyone making him feel like he's wrong. I thought he was quite thoughtful, especially since he decided not to go to the party. I know that he absolutely hates conflict and confrontation, and he feels like if I go and talk to this mother, that he has caused trouble of some sort. I think he's also worried (and so am I) that this mother will confront him again if I say something..

I have no idea what to say to this mother, either, without getting angry. It happened on Tuesday, and I feel if I wait too long it'll be too late to bring it up. However, my son is still feeling uncomfortable about the situation. I don't want it to be an argument, so I'm trying to figure out what exactly to say so that she can't argue with me about it.

I've talked to my son and told him that he's a perfectly fine person, and that he doesn't have to do anything that makes him uncomfortable (i mean, within reason). He still seems a bit doubtful about this all, and it really frustrates me that this happened at all. I don't want him to feel like he's odd or wrong for being who he is.

What gives her the right to chastize my child anyway? If she had a problem, she should have talked to me or my wife first..

 

[TabascoNatalie]

What a nasty woman. I would ignore her completely.
If it were my kids, I'd say -- you did nothing wrong. But there are weird people out there, and you don't have to take it personally.

Maybe that's not a very good example, but if I'm invited somewhere where I don't wish to go, I just say that either I'm very busy/going away/am ill -- I know not honest, but the other person doesn't feel offended, like if saying "I'm not interested".

 

[Xero]

That is totally out of line! There is NO reason any other parent should approach a child that is not theirs and scold them or say something rude to them to make them feel bad. That is completely rediculous. I wish I could be as nice as you guys about this. I would probably go crazy mom on this lady haha.

"Say something else to my kid and see what happens."

Would be how that conversation would end. The rest would be relevent, but also threatening. lol

 

[yunihara]

I definitely am tempted to go crazy on her, but I also don't want to be out of line lol. Every protective bone in my body is buzzing, still, but my son is starting to feel better about the situation.

My wife is saying that she thinks its best to ignore the mom and tell my son that people can be rude and selfish (it seems selfish for this mother to do such a thing)... I don't want my child to feel anymore discomfort from this situation, and if he were to know I talked to her, he would be quite upset. I'm still on the fence about what to do lol

 

[Xero]

I hear you on that - I would be worried about upsetting him anymore than he already is too. Poor little guy. I would have to make a decision based on what I knew about my son I guess - its hard to say without being there in your shoes. I'm sure he will take your word for it, and that will be enough to help him through the bad feelings she gave him. I would still have such a hard time not saying something to that nasty woman though... self control, self control.

 

[mom2many]

The mom would be spoken to if it was my child. Party aside, she had no buisness questioning your son in that manner....period.

I would pull her aside and politely tell her that the next time she has a question regarding the whereabouts of your child then she needs to direct them towards the parent. I would then go on to explain what you just told us, and that even though your son felt the situation would be uncomfortable for him he still wanted the nirthday boy to be recognized...hence the present that was sent.

The truth is that you didn't have to send 2 present if the twins were invited only one present was necessary.

But this coming from a woman who does not like people like that.

 

[NancyM]

I think you need to confront this woman and tell her straight up that you feel she was completely out of line to be questioning your child the way she did, and for her not to do that again. Short and sweet. No apoligizes.

I would not tell her anything about your son's social indifference, I'm afraid when she tells the rest of the mothers (and she will) about what you said, she will also add that you said there is something 'not right' with your son. Be Careful not to tell her anything about his shy nature she will love to twist that around.

You don't have to make excuses to her, she was out of line not your son.
I'd take back that gift too. lol Only kidding! .. Well maybe it if was within reach I might!

 

[yunihara]

Well, I ended up calling this mother and talking to her. She acted very offended that I would even have a problem with her "discussing" the party with my son. I didn't tell her anything about my child's personality, only that he wasn't available to go to the party but that he wanted to send his regards to her son. She calmed down after a few minutes, but still seemed rather sore about the whole thing. Although, I did ask if she would like it if I had done that to her son, and that seemed to change her tune. She actually apologized at the end of the conversation, and basically, I feel better that I talked to her. I'm still rather angry that it happened in the first place, and I just don't get why she decided she should do that to my son.

I haven't told my son that I talked to her, though. I don't think I should...but a part of me wants to tell him that I talked to her and everything is alright.

 

[3sACrowd228]

i usually let my first husband plan the birthday parties as i wasnt that good at it. But i might have to start now as my fiance isnt good either.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

Good news! i'm glad you got it resolved. some people just act before they think

 

[Venezia]

Good news! i'm glad you got it resolved. some people just act before they think

Absolutely! I suspect some people get so worked up that everything should be perfect for their 'little angel' that they very often fail to see anyone else's point of view, including that of their child!

Glad you got it cleared up, and I hope that woman thinks twice before lashing out at someone else's child. I really do think you did the right thing in clearing the air. Go you!

 

[Xero]

Good for you for calling her! It sounds like you handled it in the best way possible. I think something needed to be said, you can't just walk around mouthing off to other people's kids you know? Hopefully she'll put more thought into her actions in the future.

 

[NancyM]

I agree, you did the right thing. It's probably better not to mention it to your son, he may feel uncomfortable and self conscious at school.

It was between the adults anyway so just let it go for now.

 

[willow44]

I agree that it was unecessary and she was WAY out of line..