Brand new teenager... and I am scared to death!...

[EvilGidget]

My daughter just turned 13. She has been showing signs of becoming one of those little monsters that frighten me so... and it's getting worse.

I am a very overbearing.... suffocating... clingy... overprotective... mom.

OK... that doesn't sound nice at all... but I promise ... I am the way I am... because I love her so.

She is my life... like I'm sure all of your kids are too..... she is an only child and while I do make an effort not to spoil her completely rotten... she is spoiled non the less.

Anyway.. she likes the "goth.. or punk" look... and I'm trying to be smart and choose my battles wisely, so I let pretty much everything slide (with the exception of tattoo's, piercings.... etc).

We have a normally great relationship, but just because she is a teenager... things do seem to get tense from time to time.

One example that I'm really not sure how to go about dealing with at the moment is that there is this girl that she wants to hang out with and I disapprove. Mainly because the girl has been exposed to way more than any child should be at that age... and she seems to be much more into boys and farther advanced than my daughter. When I try to make sure that my daughter (Amber) doesn't hang out with this girl.... of course it just makes her want to more. She said she's going to be friends with her and there is nothing I can do about it... and she's right.... but isn't there some magic words I can say to turn her off from this girl?

I am so scared of what's to come... I look at her and know she is going to break my heart ... probably more than once in the next few years... and I just don't know how well I'm going to be able to cope with it.

 

[IADad]

It's tough and I don't know what I'm going to do when mine reach their teens and I certainly haven't been there, so take my opinions for what they are, pretty theoretical. Hoepfully some of the parents who've had some success navigiatin their teens will chime in.

My suggestions for you is tryreally hard not to smother. Part of your job is to help her grow and be independent. Smothering and mothering may make you feel good, but I don't think it's "doing you job" at this stage in her life. (just hink about that, I could be totally full of it.)

I've given this advice to parents of teens before (so, at least I get points for consistency) don't just talk TO her about things, try to really have two way conversations, break the routine, get her alone, one on one, where she doesn't have to worry about being seen talking with her mother, where she can let done her guard a little. Talk with her about her dreams and her passions, communicate to her that you want to help her attain the things she really wants, then talk to her about how things that seem like harmless fun now, cna lead to stuff that could derail her from her dreams. If she's really really passionate about something, it think you can at least get her to stop and think some. It's not magic and it's not one after school special and then you're done, but I think if you can do it consistently you can make a difference in the decisions she makes.

The other thing is to help her understand the respinsibilities that go along with rights. Teens are all about rights, "You don't have the right to stop me...." "I have the right to..." but they seldom think about the responsibilities that go along with it and what that means for their day to day decisions.

JMHO

 

[EvilGidget]

Thanks IADad. I think you are right that I need to have good communication with her and I try really hard to. But I think I do that... AND smother... and I feel her pulling away from me.

She has been wanting to stay after school in the library to hang out with the girl I don't approve of.. and I normally lecture for a while... and let her... but not willingly. So today I tried a different approach. She asked me last night if she could stay after today, so I asked her to let me think about it. Before bed, I went to her and said "I am going to let you go, and I trust you." I said that while looking her in the eyes. Hopefully she gets the point... as long as she doesn't do anything to make me not trust her, then she will have more freedom.

.... crossing my fingers.

 

[sbattisti]

Are you really smothering?

I ask this because many parents are far harder on themselves than their kids are. I'm 40, and my mom is still traumatized because she would never let me have multiple scoops of ice cream when I was a kid, and she feels like she was unforgiving and harsh about that. I have no recollection of it at all.

But, even if we accept that you're smothering (because she's told you so, for example), have you talked to her about that? I mean, sit down with her and ask her what she thinks about your "parenting style". Too hands-on? Too smothering? This is not to say you should remake yourself in whatever image she wants. It's your JOB to be the boss. But that doesn't mean you can't make an attempt to change the things that rub her the wrong way, and score points in your relationship along the way. So, you talk to her, and maybe she says, "You're smothering me, mom! You won't even let me hang out with my friends!" Then you take the opportunity to explain what your fears are that make you feel that urge to smother. Explain, for example, your concerns about her friend. Then (if you want), offer to try to let that go a bit. But in return, you're trusting her with more responsibility, and you want her to recognize that it takes a lot of effort to trust her with that. And that you would be tremendously hurt if that trust were broken, and that there would be repercussions if that happened as well.

Maybe make the point about it not being about NOT GETTING CAUGHT doing something you wouldn't approve of. It's about respecting your parents and what is important to them, etc. etc.

Just a thought.

~s

 

[IADad]

Thanks IADad. I think you are right that I need to have good communication with her and I try really hard to. But I think I do that... AND smother... and I feel her pulling away from me.

She has been wanting to stay after school in the library to hang out with the girl I don't approve of.. and I normally lecture for a while... and let her... but not willingly. So today I tried a different approach. She asked me last night if she could stay after today, so I asked her to let me think about it. Before bed, I went to her and said "I am going to let you go, and I trust you." I said that while looking her in the eyes. Hopefully she gets the point... as long as she doesn't do anything to make me not trust her, then she will have more freedom.

.... crossing my fingers.

Have you heard of Dr Greg and Lisa Popchak? They are Catholic family counselors (but don't hold that against them, hahaha) and parents. I'm not going to say I agree with everything they say, BUT, they have some really good suggestions about connecting with and staying connected with teens. May be worth searching out some of their resources to give you another perrspective/some ideas.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Ok, so as as teen, I was your worst nightmare. I was horrible to my mom especially. As an adult, I can see that what my mom was doing was an attempt to keep me protected, but it fell short. I had a lot of rules and I didn't respond well to the restrictions that I had vs. what my other siblings had. The tighter they squeezed, the worse I got. I engaged in risky behavior and all communication with my parents came to a screeching halt. It remained that way until I moved out of the house at 18. I resented my parents so much that I did things that I didn't even want to do just to spite them. They didn't trust me even though I didn't give them a reason to so I eventually decided to live up to their expectations and really give them something to worry about. I shaped up eventually, but it was after I was out on my own and gave them limited access to my life. At 36, we now have good relationship, but it was a long time coming.

Keeping up GOOD communication is essential. There are probably a lot of things going on inside her head that you have no idea about. From what you say about yourself, I would bet she holds a lot back when she is talking to you. You might want to think about going to a parenting class or therapist so that you can learn how to communicate with your brand new teenager. She is on her way to being an adult and you cannot treat her the same way as you did when she was a child. She is going to have more and more time away from you and you need to be sure that she feels she can come to you when she needs help navigating her way through adulthood. She is going to make mistakes along the way and it's so important that she feels she can be open with you so you can help her when she needs it the most.

It's soooo hard to let go!!!! But I really think you need to give her some room to figure things out on her own. You have to trust that you did a good job raising her that she can make good decisions on her own.

 

[EvilGidget]

Thanks for the replies everybody... I'm taking it all in, and trying to let go some. I wish I could pick and choose her friends by my standards, but I know that's not going to happen.... so I have to trust her ... it's hard... but hopefully I will get through it.

 

[JessicaMadison]

EvilGidget - thats a hard stage. I've been through that once and I'm going to go through that 2 more times. There is always going to be people like that in your daughters life. It might be a girl or there might be boys. I agree what others have said about giving her freedom. But I think you also should sit down with her once or twice and tell her that just because she has friends that might be different than she is she still can be her own person. Make her feel special too. Do things together that she enjoys and just bond. Take her to a chick flick and you should let loose around her as well! Then she'll know how cool you are. I guess let her go a little bit but always keep her at an arms length. You don't know what kind of effect this girl with have on Amber. It could be positive. Maybe she just puts up a front. But if you do notice negative changes pluck her from that situation immediately and forbid her to hang out with the girl. I hope we all helped. I'll be sending good vibes your way!

 

[IADad]

Since I've never been a teen girl or the parent of one, I'm going to ask what people think of this idea relative to the selection of friends. What do people think about telling her what you told us, that you'd like to be able to pick them out to your standards, that you know you can't, but that you hope she thinks about it. Also, I read a lot of advice about things to tell her, and I just want to throw out a reminder to listen. I know you really want to tell her things, but really really listening shows how much you care. I think that'll resonate with her.

I know I associated with people my parents would never approve of, one in HS and a few in college, and by that time I was able to see them for what they were. Sure, I associated with them, but I didn't want to be like them. I treated them with kindness and I think that's what my parents would have wanted me to do. So, I guess I'm saying just because she hangs out with someone doesn't automatically mean she's going to become a lot like that person. Sure, put up your guard, and open the communication, but don't jump to conclusions.

 

[EvilGidget]

Thanks guys

I appreciate all the advise

 

[NancyM]

I don't know. She's only 13, I feel you have every right to set limits with her. Of course 13 is a hard age, but your older and wiser and yes, you can call the shots still.

I learned with my son, that he actually wanted me to prevent him from doing certain things even though he acted like he didn't. Sometimes he would go to a group gathering with a couple of kids, and I knew he didn't really like most of them.

I suggested that when I call him or he call me, we use a code word to let me know if he wants to come home, this way he could act like I'm making him come home in front of the other kids. He was around 11/ 12 and 13. I found out later that another parent did the same thing.

My point is that your daughter is too young to know what is right for her, she doesn't know what dangers lie ahead and you do. You were 13 once she has never been your age. So you have more experience.

You still have a few more years to "Bud" into her life, personally I think at 13 she's going to make a lot of bad choices and you still need to interfere..

oh yeah...Don't ever apologize for this:

Quote: "I am a very overbearing.... suffocating... clingy... overprotective... mom."

She's very lucky to have a mother who loves and cares so much, don't let her run the show.